I know some people wanted to know, but Van and I are still not together. No worries though. It's not because there is no love an chemistry. It's just that he has things to work on.
We are still friends. I asked him for some advice, and he gladly gave it to me. So sorry to all you guys that wanted more...there is no more. Nothing more for me to day. It is is what it is.
I know that some of you will be thinking about how he said he must get past this because he needs me in his life, I am a part of his destiny, and he wants to marry me, but honestly for right now that is means nothing. That was Friday. It was all fun and awesome.
On Saturday he went to a church service. He said it was the most spiritually awesome event of his life. When I read that I was overjoyed for him. Not only did God work and allow him to speak things and be honest. Not only did God let this man open up and share and God spoke through him, but he blesses him even more on Saturday.
I was over the moon. To me it was great that this happened back to back. I saw it as God confirming a lot and letting this man move forward. He already knows how his brain plays tricks on him. I felt that this God saying things are starting to click, but I am not sure if he sees it that way.
I know he really wants his mom and dad, more so his mom, to love and accept him. I keep thinking that his brother loves and accepts him and doesn't care. He know that, but it isn't enough. he wants his mom and dad to support him, and he is convinced that they won't. I envy his gay cousin. Maybe he needs to move out and do him, and then freedom and healing will happen.
I keep getting the awkward feeling God has something in store for this man that is going to rock him to his core. His whole world is going to shake again and he is going to be thrown out of his comfort zone. What to do?? I wanna tell him, but I feel he will dismiss me, and ignore me.
Any advice??
So we are friends and nothing more. But deep down things are working. He did say he needs to work on it, and I believe his subconscious and God are working. That is what worries me...things might come out in a real interesting way.
J-Bo
P.S. Had a great talk with Dishone today. He is doing better, but still has a lot of healing to do. He said he was begging Van to not make the same mistake that he made. Funny how things change. Dishone has what Van desperately wants...a mother and sibling that know and love him. Dishone's mother doesn't care for it, but she loves her son, and wants him happy and healthy with a man, instead of just getting by with a woman. GOD WORK SOMETHING!!!! I am sure Van's father and brother (who have already proven his support) should be enough, but he is worried that his father won't. Fear is a BITCH!!!!
P.P.S. Dishone told me that when he was younger his family told him to walk straight, hold his hands firm, and more stuff. Basically they were trying to train the gay and feminine out of him. Another thing that him and Van share. I swear the irony is funny, but also sad at times.
P.P.P.S. There is this guy that reminds me of Van and he is all into me. He is a PK and PGK, and honestly he could be Van in a different body sometimes. The sad thing is that even though this great guy wants to be with me, I cannot stop thinking of Van when I am with him. It is too much to handle. I have to get a handle on this. When I was with Van today I was in total control, but spending time with this other guy has me bugging.
I know you into guys and all, but can you please give me a shot. I've dated my fair share of guys that seem nice, and even jerks. There is something special about you.
ReplyDeleteI know this ain't Christian of me, but leave homeboy all together. He doesn't deserve someone like you fighting in his corner. I can use a great man, and I know to never let my man leave me hungry or horny.
I can see you've been burned. I'm not with him, and as far as I see there is no getting back together. I just need his friendship because he gives solid counsel and he pushes me to do more and greater.
DeleteI also know I am the closest thing to him, and I am here for a reason. God doesn't make mistakes...as he knows. ;-)
Is it even worth it? I mean I get the feeling that Van can come and knock any man or woman from away from you. I see that he gets priority...I assume so if God placed him in your life for a reason.
ReplyDeleteHe kinda can, but I wouldn't tell him that. I like him to think that he is replaceable in a heart beat. :-)
DeleteWhen you go around the world take me with you. I could use a vacation...BIG TIME!!!!
ReplyDeleteYOU AND ME GIRL!!!!!
DeleteIt is pretty clear to me too guy...I think he would be over the moon. But I know church kids...I am one. If he is anything like the PK/PGK in my church then he is going to see things like his family. The only time he will do for him is if it is something he has had permission to do.
ReplyDeleteI do pray that he gets the love and support he needs, but he gets more than one family...more than one chance. If his family really will treat him like the love of heir lives one minute and then 2nd class the next, and be a church family they don't have the spirit of God.
He should've been out of that house from the time he started college so he can be free. Hopefully he gets a place soon.
So do I...so do I. But at the end of the day he says he needs Jesus alone, but yet he bends to his family. Kinda disproves his theory that all he needs is Jesus, and the approval of no one.
DeleteIn fact he desperately still trying to please his family...problem with people is that the are fickle. They will be proud and content one minute, and then change the next. Can't please people, because it is near impossible.
Don't give up on him. I get the feeling that you aren't, but you are doing you and you should. With what he told you on Friday it is clear to me that God is working, and even he is working without realizing it.
ReplyDeletePatience and long suffering.
I won't Ms. Betty. I am always going to be his friend, and confidant. That will never change. =)
DeleteFrom what you said Van is really about being his own person. He thrives on being unique and different, and being his own person. Carving out his own path in the world.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand he also has this huge desire to please. And through pleasing of course comes conforming, and changing yourself to suit others. I mean he was being trained to do it from a young age. Look at what he said about how his family treated him.
It is clear to me that there is a war going on. The great thing is that normally people's drive to be unique and themselves coincides with what Jesus calls us to be, and if he really wants God's will he will be himself. It is a scary path, but it will happen.
He won't make another year being under their thumb, and controlled by them until he snaps...maybe a lil longer, but I doubt it. The only thing that might pull him back is a family issue like a sickness or death, that they may blame him for not being there, or helping.
He is most likely going to be tied down until he can't do it anymore and escape. Hopefully it happens soon. You are a good man and friend for being there. He knows it. I see it when I read what he said to you. I swear I need a friend like you in my life.
You are a wise man sir. You remind me of a mentor, and friend with the same name. I haven't spoken to him a while, and it maybe time to reach out to him.
DeleteI also agree with your assessment, but feel it could be less than a year or more. He really is an individual trying to blend in with others, and it's our uniqueness that God loves. I mean it is how we were created.
We shall see...you guys have given me a lot to think about.