Thursday, October 25, 2012

BFA: VOICE STUDENTS FOR LIFE

So I ended up going to school to hear my voice friends sing.

IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!

I didn't think I was going to get jealous, but I did. I really wanted to get up there and do my thing. I love those guys so much...I really do.

It was a great day seeing all my friends. Makes me miss the Big 3.

It is time for me to go to bed.

Also Van and I hung out a bit today. He is doing what he does...it is what it is. Nothing bad and nothing good. But I am getting ready for a change. God is preparing me for something great.

J-Bo

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Taking It Slow

So I talked to one of my friends yesterday, and he was very uneasy with what I was doing. He knows more than anyone that the church has a long history of violent and very damaging actions against those who don't toe the line.

I think he was worried that I was going to die, get beat up, or have something real bad happen to me if I didn't act smart.

Funny these are all the things that Van had said, but I guess coming from someone who isn't always acting out of fear made me take light of the information. I guess I should trust his instincts more...I mean the pessimistic approach does have a place in the world.

So I am still being asked to help and show the information, but I think I am going to have a go between. And that makes more sense until I get more things situated for myself. There are men and women already fighting the fight.

Maybe instead of being in the forefront, I can be in the back. I know of people out there fighting and spreading the news, and that there are people who want to hear this information. So instead of me doing it I can do what I originally wanted to do...supply and support the ones doing all the great things.

To be honest there are so many ppl making strides, that it is easier to help them, and those who really need me I can do those.

I feel good about this approach. When someone comes to me I will talk, but for bigger things and a wider audience I will be a silent partner, and provide material and keep doing research.

Pray for me ppl...I am still going to be talking to ppl, but more intimately. Maybe I will create a product about this, so the many people can find it, and get healed and blessed by it. Gotta pray on it, and talk it over and see.

J-Bo

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Very interesting day...

So today started out with me getting to work, and getting things in place for tonight. I was going to speak to some leaders in the Catholic Church, Baptist, Methodist, UPCI, SDA, COGIC, and Protestant churches.

I must admit that it was very nerve racking. I only went to listen, and hear what some of these leaders were discussing and talking about. I really didn't think to consider, them giving me the chance to go ahead and speak.

So I talked for a while and told them where I was coming from. Let me tell you they were so nice to me. They listened to me, and just took everything in. Of course I know some were uneasy, and they waited for a chance for them to speak...how do I know this?? Because when I was done they came at me.

But I kept my cool, and did what I had to do. I stayed strong, positive, and prayed up and I let God speak through me.

Funny enough some of them asked me why did I feel the need to question the churches teachings on this topic? Why do I feel the need to speak to these things? I told them that I had to tell the truth, that by keeping quiet I was risking lives and my own conscience.

They said that I should be led by the Holy Ghost and I shouldn't be doing these things on my own. I said do you think I want to do this?? Do you think I want to be out there, that I want to be seen as progressive, radical, and liberal?!?!?! Contrary to popular belief I want to be one of the people...I don't want to be seen as out there and crazy.

I told them it was the Holy Ghost that told me to dig deeper. It was the Holy Ghost that made me question and look for answers.  They couldn't argue with me, but I could tell they didn't like it.

I told them that I can name 3 people in each denomination that are leaders that don't believe that the God doesn't condone homosexuals.

I named many Priest, Bishops, and other leaders. I got some serious flack from one man who is COGIC, and I had to shut his ass down. I said that the man they appointed...the man whom God has entrusted to lead that church believes in human rights and equality for all. And that he removed a lot of anti-gay rhetoric from the website.

He didn't even know what I was talking about!!!! I just shook my head, cause the man is speaking outta ignorance. Like Van would say he is spreading ignorance.

So I had a good talk, and when I was finished I had to ask them a question. I said for all of them who don't agree with me, despite all my facts I asked them why. I said what about what I said doesn't make sense.

Funny enough I got no answers...they were quiet. So finally after 2 minutes of dead silence, one person said it is the way it has always been. I of course was ready for that. It was nonsense. I cannot believe this is what we have been reduced to.

So of course I left them with Jesus' words and teachings. I left them again with the positive homosexual or as they would be known back then as loving relationships. I spoke about the centurion and his partner, Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, and also Jesus talking about the gays of his time.

Nevertheless all that was great, but the big part of my day that means the most to me was me doing the laundry and my parents surprising me to see how it is that I was the clothes. Smh...it was a hot mess, but it was funny. They said they just wanna do an inspection, and make sure I am still doing a good job.

So of course I had a ball making them do the laundry for me since they were there. I figure why the hell not...you guys are here so you might as well get to work. :-)

With everything I did today it wasn't the big thing of talking to these leaders, and getting the ball going, but it was spending those few minutes with my parents. It was real nice. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. I want to tell Van about my day, but I don't think he would like it too much. So I will give him what he wants to hear...about the laundry and good times we all had. If he ask which I doubt he will I will tell him more. God is so good...I am alive right now.

P.P.S. Another thing that was weird to me was when I asked again why do they feel I am wrong if they do believe that only 3 of the 15 answered, and they said because it is. They said all the things in the bible that have been explained and not followed are ok because they don't fit our lives today. So I brought that back to them, and they said there is no reason to apply it to this. I was shocked, and I brought up a number of things that could apply to today with no problem...they just shook their heads. I swear I am not going to quit. I can and will help all those like me, Van, the boys, and others. You can tell how something is by it's fruit, and I am sorry to say that the fruit of the traditional teachings have bore nothing but suicide, drugs, killings, being kicked out, excommunicated, and more. I am sorry, but that is against Jesus...against God. I will not be denied. :-D

P.P.P.S. Tomorrow I spend all day at school until I tutor my kids, and then the next day my BFAs are singing some Folk music, and I have to be a part of it. I have to show my support. I wish you guys could come, but I guess not. I wonder if Van is going to come. I do want to see him tomorrow and just laugh and chill with him, but we will see. Also if he is feeling funny and weird for no reason I will tell him I am going to the BFA Folk Song Recital so he can not go if he is going to do what he needs to do. But then again he probably doesn't even know...and he has always tried to act like the BFAs don't mean a lot to him and they are just w/e. That man makes me so damn angry sometimes. :-)

P.P.P.P.S. I think he really sees me as too progressive and too radical and too liberal. I don't really care because of what people like me are doing there will be the next generation and future ones that can walk hand and hand together with more freedoms and rights. The times are changing and God is revealing more to us...I can't be bothered if people are concerned that the boat is being rocked. But I will not tell him anymore of my talks and excursions. He really doesn't want to know about them. I don't think he wants to see me succeed in this area...I think he kinda wants me to fail. I know that is bad, but it does line up. Oh well...I have had haters and detractors before. I keep on keeping on. So from this day forward if he doesn't ask I won't tell...and he won't ask. I'll answer his questions to the degree of that he asks me. He is good for vague non direct questions, so I will give him those answers. I'll go back to answering people literally and only giving more when asked.

So I am confused...

For those who know me know that me being confused is nothing new. I mean people are always telling me I am very smart, and I am very wise and knowledgeable, but I am also very slow. :-)

I guess as Van says I can be autistic at times...but it adds to my quality, charm, and being a savant. :-D

So what I am confused with is Van. I mean we are not together, and we have a pretty casual relationship, but I am so confused.

I mean one minute he tells me he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone, and the next when we are on the phone he sounds like he is annoyed to be on the phone with me. I don't know if it is the wall he is trying to put it up or what??

Makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me...but I do know that there is nothing wrong with me. The only thing that I know I need to work on his my health and fitness goals, and also my fashion sense. I put those two last, but I should change that around, cause it is so worth it.

So knowing that I don't know what the hell is going on. Maybe instead of asking you guys I should just ask him. :-)

I know that he wants me in his life. I know that he wants to build a life with me, and marry me. I know that he is in love with me. You'd think it would be easy fix right...be with the man you love and who loves you back.

But I am not even worried about that, cause I know we have that one thing holding us back so I am content with being friends. I don't like it, and I want more, but I am trusting in God. I mean he brought us together in the first place.

I want to know if he prefers to just talk via fb, or what the hell does he want?!?!?!

But I feel he is going to give me some BS, about something. Oh well...I will deal with that later. I'll tell you what though I am running late for a night out on the town talking to these church folk. I love my job. :-)

Wish me luck to my supporters. And those who don't want to wish me luck...I do this for you as well. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. I remember he told me he doesn't mind having sex with me, and the intimacy and everything else, because we are married every which way it counts. Of course I had to get him to expound cause I was confused. He said we are married in heart, body, mind, and spirit. That our souls are cleaved to one another. God I love that man...he talks in poetry sometimes. :-)

P.P.S. Pray for me guys...I am walking into a lions den and they want me to fall and falter. I WILL NOT FAIL!!!!!!

Monday, October 22, 2012

The speech was a huge success...

So the debate was awesome. I reached a lot of ppl and they are ready and looking for a change, and thank God I can provide that for them.

I just ask that God continue to order my steps and lead me cause I am going into hard times, but I know I will be alright.

I am having some of the people come to my house to talk to me tonight and watch the debate with me. 2 guys and 1 girl who were there and they were some of the people I talked to afterwards. So we are going to have a good long convo.

I was also asked to speak at another church at some event. I told Van that it was COGIC church, and he wants me to stay away. Which makes no sense...it is no secret gay people are in and through COGIC and in positions of power and in the pews...just like everywhere else.

I have a message that could help so many of them, but I know he feels everyone in his denomination all see things exactely the same. I am not sure that he realizes that not everyone agrees...including the Presiding Bishop.

Times are changing and there is nothing anyone can do about it. They can hold onto their prejudices and old ways of seeing things all they want. I have facts, science, proof, and God on my side. I am not limited to the old ways. That is a very freeing realization...I don't have to see things they have always been.

That doesn't make it right. The Holy Spirit is so good. I just felt my spirit jump on that one. :-D

So I have to get ready for the next time I speak and it is at a COGIC church this time. The last one was at a Church of Christ Church...One step at a time.

I think I will keep the COGIC churches I go to a secret from Van...I don't want him to get upset or defensive, and it is best if I keep it quiet. If he ask me I won't lie, but I don't see him asking me. So Saturday is the day.

J-Bo

Sunday, October 21, 2012

LONG WEEKEND DONE!!!!

So this weekend started off with me singing for the Hymn celebration. It was a celebration of the 2nd edition of the Lead Me, Guide Me hymnal. So that was fun cause that was the hymnal that I used to sing from my whole life.

Then today after church I came home and got ready to go out and perform at this Opera and Ballet Concert Gala. That was fun, but some of the people were so unprofessional.

It really made me think that my college chorus director was really high class, cause some of these people were jokes, and they weren't even singing. It was a mess...but singing with a full orchestra was fun.

One day I will get to do that as a soloist, and that will really be something to talk about. :-)

Also Dishone and Aaron came to my house and they talked to each other. They made up...Dishone realized he was being an ass. Funny they say Van is being stubborn too. Smh

So they sat down and they talked...or I talked and they listened. I know they can make it and have it work, but they need to put the work into it. That is the problem...they never put the work into it, and that is what was killing them.

I want to call Van and tell him the good news, but I don't want to bother him. He has med school stuff to deal with, and I told him I will not bother him and give him his space.

I have decided that I have been single long enough. I want to have even 1/2 of the feelings that I have with Van. I am still in love with him, but the intensity isn't there like it used to be. Distance will do that, but I want someone special in my life.

It is clear that Van doesn't love me, and doesn't want me, and that is ok, but I want and I need more for myself.

I pray that God works something out. What God puts together no man can tear asunder...trouble is that God has done his part. But of course that damn free will messes us up. Especially when you are scared and have doctrine going against you.

So I am ready for love...I am so ready for love. I want Van, but he doesn't want me. Maybe he knows of someone good for me. He knows the kind of man I am, and he knows that I am a great man, a great partner, friend, and more. So he can look for me too.

I was thinking it would be weird, but he honestly doesn't care about me anymore so I don't know what to do, but ask for his help. He may not care about me or think of me ever, but maybe he knows someone worthy.

J-Bo

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Rev. Dr. Otis Moss, III Challenges Fellow Black Clergy On Marriage Equality For Gays And Lesbians

A pastor from the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago took a big step when he read a letter to his colleague about his rants telling ppl not to vote because Obama is for gay marriage.

This man took a huge step and a risk in doing so, but that is what makes him someone to love and respect. I will stand by his side, and fight this fight not only for me, but ppl like me, and ppl under oppression period.


I hope you guys get blessed as much as I got blessed.

J-Bo

Friday, October 19, 2012

What the hell is going on with these saints...SO WEAK!!!!!!!

So I am very frustrated.

Apparently my friends Steve, Aaron, and Dishone are going through and it is so frustrating. They are all making me mad, and it is for different reasons.

First Steve is feeling low cause his uncle is near death, and that though sad isn't even the worse right now. Dishone is going to Steve for help, and Steve believes that being gay is wrong, and even though he loves his friends he pushes them away.

I love my friends, but he has to stop. He is doing things off of a false doctrine. Steve is one of those people who would work within the system. He isn't a trendsetter, and to top that off he is so biased against relationships.

I just want him to stop and hopefully read his bible himself, and open his mind. He is so frustrating. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING!!!!!!! He is doing Dishone so much damage and so much pain.

Dishone is of course feeling low and feeling bad because he misses Aaron. He misses the man he loves. He misses his best friend.

Aaron has a lot on his mind too, but the one thing that is making it worse is Dishone. He wants him back and I feel his pain. I feel his hurt and confusion. I want the best for them, but they aren't listening.

They are so lucky. They both love each other so much that it affects them. I love a man who doesn't even care or think about me. I mean we had plans to hang out today, and when I called him he didn't even remember.

He was doing some work for Med School, and I totally understand, but he coulda called or text me to let me know that plans have changed. I am not saying it like we are together...I just cursed out my nephew for acting like a little kid and told him to get his shit together.

I don't play those games.

But rehearsal tonight was AWESOME!!!!! I mean the music was a mixture of gospel and classical. It was too good. I know these great voices came together for this event tomorrow, but I am sure we are going to have a Pentecostal Church service tomorrow!!!!!!!!

We shall see...but I am off to get ready for bed. I have to get there early tomorrow. Rehearsal in the morning, and then to my church for a fun event. Should be really good...I hope, cause y'all know I be on that other stuff sometimes.

J-Bo

FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I woke up and I had the strongest urge to be fucked!!!!

I know this is real blunt, but I feel the need to be stroked something serious. Of course the need and desire to do some stroking is there, but I just need to be fucked like right now.

Like no lie I would rape the shit outta Van. I could always find someone else, but I don't want to put myself at a risk for a STI and also I want more than just sex. Thought I would share that with you guys...

It was an overwhelming feeling. I still feel it. Maybe I should go out for a walk to something.

J-Bo

Thursday, October 18, 2012

DISAPPOINTMENT...OPERA...CALLING!!!!!

So today was a pretty laid back day.

I didn't get too much done...I did get a call that a business deal isn't going through because of my age, experience, and also color of my skin. I had to dig the information out of the guy who was giving me the news.

I think my slow and non-existent start today was because I am a little demoralized. I know I need to put in some serious work, but I kinda feel crushed, but I am bouncing back. I called Van hoping he would pick up so that I can tell him what happened, but he didn't so I left him a message.

Then I went to Queens for a rehearsal for this Opera show that I am doing on Sunday. I am just in the chorus, and it is unpaid, but it is a great learning experience. I am going to be performing with a full orchestra and a ballet, so this will be great experience.

Earlier today I spoke to Van about stuff...he told me some news about getting a new doctor. I had to ask some questions, and see if it was a man or woman. I found out it is a guy and Asian so I dropped the questions. If he was black I would have to dig deeper. Just to see if he is his type.

I don't like him like that, but I just wanted to know for sure.

Anyway, we laughed and talked, and made plans to hang out for like 2 hours or so, before he has to race home and pick up someone from the airport. I talked to him recently and confirmed for tomorrow and he said he doesn't know which means he will most likely flake on me.

It used to bother me, because if you care about someone than you would do things to make them happy. And more importantly you would want to see them and hang out. I know we are not together, but he is still a friend, and valued treasure in my life.

But I guess that goes to show, that he feels it is ok to make plans with me, and cancel them without caring about how I will feel, cause how I feel means nothing. It has very little standing and very little clout.

Oh well...nothing I can do about that. If you don't matter to someone, what can you do right?? So if he comes and hangs out that is cool, but if he cancels on me then that is also cool. I kinda understand that for him it means nothing if that happens, and for me it is different. I just wish he would recognize that we differ in this and act accordingly, but that requires caring.

I will continue to treat him great, because I want to be treated great. I truly believe in treat others, how you want to be treated. If I treat you right and with respect, love, and dignity, I expect it in return.

He would say I am expecting a lot from him, but to be honest I am expecting very little from him. I do this with everyone I meet, and he should know that by now. From the guys to strangers. I give a lot to all I meet and encounter. :-)


Now it is time for bed, and hopefully I see him tomorrow. I really want him to give me his take on my material, and let me know how he feels. I really wanna prepare myself for the battle the Lord is gearing me up for. Someone has to be the one to stand up and fight, and that is me. I take what God has called me for with dignity, honor, and grace.

So we shall see what happens tomorrow, but regardless I have to rehearse with my fellow singer, then another choir rehearsal for the Catholic church, and then hopefully I want to go to church and fellowship and see the youth explosion.

I really hope I can go, but my body is running outta gas. I need to stop burning the candle on both ends, but soon I will be able to slow down a little.

J-Bo

Don't be crippled because you have support...

This story seems sad, but it is actually one of empowerment. This is something that more should read to learn and know what it takes to be successful after a bad life changing move. I commend the woman in this story, cause she is a rare breed.

Most will never take a step because they are scared, not realizing that they are damaging themselves more than anyone else.

Here is the actual link to the site which is Huffpost Gay Voices:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/shura-lopezbeale/i-didnt-deserve-to-lose-you-an-open-letter-to-my-anti-gay-parents_b_1963070.html

Here is the article:

I Didn't Deserve to Lose You: An Open Letter to My Anti-Gay Parents
 

Dear Mom and Dad,

I was filling out an application the other day. It asked me what I felt my greatest accomplishment thus far was. I thought for a moment and answered that I am most proud of surviving all that came with coming out to you as a lesbian.

I am an adult and a college student with a job and a life apart from you. I've been told that I don't need you, and for the most part I rarely think about your absence. I have said before that I sometimes forget that I ever had parents; my life is too busy to dwell. Part of that is denial, isn't it? Being 20 years old hardly makes me an adult, and one always needs family, no matter his or her age.

I have lost friends, extended family and mentors as a result of coming out, but all those are secondary to parents. Friends come and go, extended family move about and expand, and mentors are replaced as one ages, but parents are needed. My first mature relationship, my first heartbreak, when friends turn on me, my big adventures, my successes and failures -- I want to share these experiences with you. I'm supposed to share them with you. I want you to be the first to know about my engagement. I want you to help me with the wedding planning. I want you to come with me to pick out my dress. I want you, Dad, to walk me down the aisle. I want you to be excited when my wife and I announce that we're expecting your grandchildren. I want you to be there when those children arrive.

But you won't be. You will turn up your nose, as you have done since I came out, and as you will continue to do. You will be somewhere in Tennessee, ranting about my sins, while my brother and older sister take your place at all these milestones.

I have always been a hardheaded, independent kid who never quite fit into the conservative, legalistic Christian box you had set up for me. Maybe it was easy for you to step away from me. You have to understand: I have spent most of my life attempting to run away from myself. The first thing I was ever told about homosexuality came from you, Dad. You were explaining that I couldn't join Girl Scouts because "they let homosexuals be den mothers." You elaborated, "Do you know what homosexuals do, Shura? They rape children." I was 8. Several months earlier I had been introduced to rape by a monster in a rest-stop bathroom outside Savannah. I didn't want to be a monster.

And if the sermons and radio programs that I was constantly hearing were correct, I didn't want to go to hell, either. Everything in our conservative Christian world was telling me that I was disgusting, perverted, ruining America and dangerous to children. I hated myself. I was willing to do anything to get away from myself, including suicide.

Yes, I was a difficult child. I wasn't easy to raise, or easy to love. And in the years leading up to my coming out, I was perhaps the most difficult.

You may not have suspected that I was anything but straight, but others did. From 15 to 17, when I wasn't living with you, I had few friends. Instead, girls would loudly accuse me of looking at them in a sexual way, called me "dyke," "fag" and "lez." They would strip down in front of me just to accuse me of masturbating to the image later. The harassment culminated in a month during which two girls would slip into my bed at night, pin me down and sexually assault me, all while whispering in my ear, "You like this, don't you, dyke?" I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about any of it, because I didn't want the subject of my sexuality to come up. I thought it would be written off because of the suspicions.

I was right. When I came out to you last year, that was one of the first things out of your mouth. "Why did you whine about those girls?" you demanded. "Didn't you like it, girls touching you? You like that. Why did you pitch a fit about it?"

Let me provide you with an answer: I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve believing that I was disgusting, a monster or going to hell because of others' ignorance and hatred. I didn't deserve being ostracized and harassed because of others' ignorance and hatred. I didn't deserve to have my body violated because of others' ignorance and hatred. And I didn't deserve to lose you because of your ignorance and hatred. But all those things happened to me.

As a result, I have grown up. I have learned to stand on my own two feet and keep myself from being affected by others' actions. I have learned to be confident in myself. I have learned that in life there are hard choices to be made, and I have learned to make them. I have learned to rely not on others for my validation but on myself. I have learned to love myself.

My life is not always easy, partially because of your absence from it. How I am going to pay for college and where I am going to go on school breaks are constant worries. But you are the ones who are truly missing out. I will do great things. I will bring about positive change in this world. I will have a beautiful life. I'm quite convinced that my future kids will be adorable and ridiculously cool. You will miss out on all that.

I feel sorry for you. Your hatred, your ignorance and your fear are blinding you and took away your daughter. I will not dwell on this. I have living to do.

With all my love,
Shura

J-Bo

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Coming Out: Is life changing and it affects more than just you!!

So this is coming from Huffpost Gay Voices, and the author is Wade Davis Jr. Here is the e-mail address, and I hope you guys like the article...I found it very enlightening.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/wade-davis-jr/coming-out-is-it-all-about-you_b_1892157.html?utm_hp_ref=black-voices&ir=Black+Voice

Though I can remember almost everything about that day, from my mother's facial expression to her subtle physical responses, only recently have I tried to understand her reactions and consider her feelings throughout my coming-out process.

James Baldwin said it best: "Everybody's journey is individual," and that was definitely true when I decided to come out to my mother. Inviting others into one's personal life and no longer rendering one's sexuality invisible is important and can momentarily leave one incapable of understanding what anyone else is experiencing, and justifiably so.

My only focus at the time was the need to understand my attraction to men. I spent hours and days thinking about what that meant and how it would change everything around me. I was my only focus. And I neglected to fully consider what past experiences in my mother's life would shape her reaction to my news, and her subsequent acceptance. The typical narrative crossed my mind about how she was groomed in a Southern Baptist church, and though I believe those past experiences had an influence, I wondered if there were other factors affecting her reaction. I wondered about her contexts; growing up as a poor black woman in the patriarchal Jim Crow South, for example, might have shaped the way she views the world.

I could only half-heartedly recreate the portrait of how hard it was to raise a black daughter and son in the South. And I blindly mused about the ways being a divorced, single black woman may have affected her life, but honestly, how could I fully understand -- then or ever -- what that must have been like? So I became incensed when she rejected my sexual identity, and I grew even more enraged when she rejected me after she'd promised to make an effort. From my vantage point, I could not see her effort, and that was the beginning of our problem. We were both blinded by our own viewpoints. My viewpoint: a search for my own identity. My mother's: the vision she had for her only son. When I proclaimed I was gay, her second comment was, "You're already black." Immediately I understood what that meant. As a black man, I was born into the world with one indelible strike against me, and to my mother, the idea that her supposedly strong black son would "intentionally" take another strike against him was unimaginable.

My mother grew up as a young black female in the South, meaning she witnessed the manifestation of hatred directed toward a particular group of people. Segregation, hatred, and quite possibly death were the results. She was raised with (and helped raise) four brothers, so I can only imagine that she observed firsthand what the world had in store for black men. Maybe she understood that raising a black son meant teaching him one of his most important lessons: how to stay alive. Though I often perceived our relationship as being defined by favoritism, it was actually something much deeper: My mother kept me close in order to save my life.

My life was in her hands in more ways than I had the knowledge to understand then. And what mother wants to tell her son, "This world hates you," or that he was never meant to survive? I can only attempt to envision what she may have been thinking. Actually, how can I? I can't visualize living as a black woman being perceived as a "welfare queen" during the Reagan years, or being perceived as a family-destroying matriarch at a time when black women were the lowest-paid wage earners (as is still the case now), or being objectified and caged into the myopic imaginations of others, all while watching husbands, uncles, and brothers die and/or be treated as savages, then birthing a son. Being a parent is inherently arduous, but to live in the U.S. as a parent raising a black son is to live in constant fear, to live in a constant state of anxiousness about what the world might do to him every time he is out of your sight.

So how could I understand? Why would I imagine her history when it was not mine? But I'm trying, trying to understand why and how the fact of whom I love could rock her to the core and unravel a relationship that I thought was stronger than the Rock of Gibraltar. I announced my sexuality in an effort to get her to see me as an extension of her, as an adult and not the little boy whom she worked so tirelessly to save and protect. The generosity of her love was the sustenance that I lived off as a child and continue to benefit from as I strive to define success for myself today.

I will persist in working to remove the space that still exists between us, which has been caused by years of uncertainty and heartache. Thankfully, we've allowed each other the space to cope with the external forces that shaped our actions consciously or unconsciously with each other, and now that she has accepted me, all of me, I can rest, but only for a moment, because we must continue to remove the space created by our perceived differences and replace it with love.

Love removes the empty space that allows our fears, insecurities, and inhibitions to keep us apart. Love is freedom. So we can finally see each other for who we really are, as individuals who must now and forever do the work to understand the other's perspective and respect (as opposed to inspect) every decision or choice that the other makes. We must practice the art of viewing everyone through the lens of love. Our world will look vastly different when we do.

J-Bo

These Damn Kids!!!

So today started off real good. i got an early start and was able to see 3 of my girls. We had great talks, and it was just nice to feel like I matter and that I am someone that matters.

So I didn't get much work done, because these girls needed advice and also an ear to listen. I did get some don, but not as much as I would've liked.

So I tutored the kids today and they were so distruptive. I tried being nice, but they are pissing me off, and I am going to kick some ass next week. I am trying to stay sane and calm, but Van won't like what I am going to do next week, and how I am going to talk to them.

Oh well...they need the help, and I gave them 2 weeks to get their shit together, but it ain't working. Now we do things my way. My aunt wants me to talk nice and be gentle, but fuck that...these fuckers need some reality.

So now I am home alone, and it is so nice. I am curled up reading a good book. Nothing is playing just me and my book, and complete silence. Very good stuff.

J-Bo

Saturday, October 13, 2012

WHY AM I AWAKE SO EARLY???

So for some reason I woke up at 5am. To be honest the heat was on real hard, and I woke up sweating, and feeling dry and dehydrated.

So I am guessing my body was dying for some fluids, and it got some. It was not a game.

Anyway I want to ask you guys a question. It is something that happens to be of interest to me.

As you know even though I am friends with people of all walks of life and all religious beliefs I am a Christian. I love my Jesus and that is all there is too it...can't leave the best man and best thing to ever happen to me.

So I am getting mixed reviews of people who will and won't have sex before (after doesn't really matter too much) church. I am one of those men who believe it is ok to have sex before church. I mean it doesn't matter to me...if I am in a committed relationship like I was with Van where we were in love and tottally committed it didn't seem like a problem to me.

Now that I think about it we were like a married couple in body, mind, and spirit from the very beginning. From that first kiss something happened. I say it was God cementing something, but that is for another post.

Now Van said that when he gets totally comfortable with his sexuality and who he really is completely, both spiritually and physically that he wouldn't have a problem with sex before church.

Now when I say church I mean Sunday Service, and any other day that there are plans to head to church. So in my church that means Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

Now with Van that wouldn't be a problem...maybe just Sunday. My friend D is different. He just says that when he is going to church he wants to get himself ready for the task at hand.

I find that interesting. It seems to be pretty split. From straight couples to gay couples it is a hit and miss discussion. It seems it really comes down to personal choice and some will have no problem and others will want to abstain especially right before.

Where do you guys stand???

Also would love to see how other religions answer this question...sex before and after your religious service or gathering??

J-Bo



Friday, October 12, 2012

Donnie McClurkin

I just need to vent on this one.

I really, really love and enjoy Donnie McClurkin's music, but as a man he is starting to piss me the fuck off.

Something about him. Even when I listen to his music I have to temper it with something else. I have to set myself up to listen to him.

I know he is just doing what he thinks he should be doing, but still...SHUT UP!!!!!! You are actually doing more harm than good...STOP HURTING THE SAINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is no proof biblically, historically, or scientifically to support those claims. Now it is just bias that people won't let go, and proving yet again that people hate change, and the church will do all it can to not change.

History is doomed to repeat itself.

Even though he is disappointing me, living a damn lie and not being strong enough to either speak up or better yet SHUT THE FUCK UP I still love the songs he sings. Just he is a pain in the ass.







J-Bo

National Coming Out Day

So apparently yesterday was National Coming Out Day. It was just a regular boring day for me. Nothing special happened...nothing I am proud of anyway. (That is for another day. :-( So disappointing)

So I want to know what everyone felt about the debate. I am hearing Democrats saying that the Biden won, and Republicans say that Ryan won. All I can do is vote for my man Obama, and get him another term to make a change in this country that we desperately need.

So I want to share a story from the National Black Justice Coalition - NBJC. Here is the link to read it for yourself. So you can get all the goodness: http://www.nbjc.org/blog/coming-out-two-acts-one-mans-story-family-love-and-living-authentically

And here is the story reprinted here for you guys. Hope you guys got as much as I did.

J-Bo

Coming Out in Two Acts: One Man’s Story on Family, Love and Living Authentically

It all started with an awkward conversation with my dad when I was 16. On what I thought was a day like any other, we were passing our neighborhood Wal-Mart when my father began the line of questioning I’d been dreading since before I was positive I knew the answers.

“Why aren’t you dating anyone?”

“Uh…I’m really focused on my studies right now. And…and…uh…I haven’t found a girl that I’m really interested in dating at my school. Err…and did I mention I was really focused on school? Like, super focused.”

“Do you have any gay friends?”

“Uh, sure…maybe? No, not really.” (I went to a performing arts high school, so I don’t even remember how I attempted to dance around this one.)

“You’re not gay, are you?”

Even through my youth, I knew the next few seconds in the car with my dad were going to define the rest of my life. By this time, I was already out at school, and had told my older sister. However, I’d skirted, rebuffed, obfuscated, and down-right avoided any discernible inferences to my sexual orientation from the rest of my family for years.

But I couldn’t lie this time. I don’t even know what spirit made me answer my dad’s question in the affirmative. The shouting in my head that scored the moment was a cacophony of dissent and course correction – I was sure that I was eliciting the wrath of my father, my family, and God. Up to that point, the only coming out stories I’d heard weren’t exactly heart-warmers. I thought all (or at least most) gay teenagers were disowned by their parents and kicked out of their house to start living as cheap hustlers in the inner-cities of America after coming out of the closet. I wasn’t prepared for that.

What I also wasn’t prepared for was my dad’s reaction to my life-changing announcement. He laughed. He couldn’t believe I was serious – how did I know for sure, he wanted to know. I probably answered him as good as a 16-year-old Black gay kid from Oklahoma could, but then it was over. We went home, and I didn’t hear anything else about our car conversation.

Until a week later: my dad handed me an article he’d printed from the internet about Donnie McClurkin’s “ascension” from “homosexuality.” He told me to read it, and then he wanted to talk to me about it.

I give my 16-year-old self major credit: after reading Donnie McClurkin’s story, I was more clear than ever before that what I was feeling – who I was – was both natural and okay. When my dad and I spoke later, I told him matter-of-factly that while I appreciated Donnie’s story that that wasn’t my testimony. Then we talked for an hour – about what my identity meant for my spiritual wellness, my health and safety. I was mortified – as a teenager, this is the closest I’d ever gotten to the “bird and the bees” conversation with my dad, and I was (and still am not) a fan.

But again, my dad surprised me. Sure, it would take him a few years to becoming completely cool with who and how I love, and he asked me a lot of questions about my faith that I wasn’t prepared to answer and that eventually drove me back into the closet (at least, to my family) for my last years of high-school. But even on that day, there were no raised voices, no hellfire-and-brimstone condemnations of my sinful wickedness, no renouncements of my branch on the family tree.

My father’s message was unmistakable: You’re my son, and I will always love you – unconditionally.

Coming out a second time wasn’t much easier. I was a sophomore at Morehouse College, and had been out on campus since I’d moved to Atlanta. To my family, though, I was straight again – I hadn’t yet reconciled how my orientation met with my religious convictions, or my ideas of ideal Black masculinity, and was not in a hurry to do so. So it seemed that life would move forward that way – me, being as gay as the day was long to everyone in my life but those who loved and knew me best  (though, to be honest, my portrayal of a straight man has always been, at its best, farce).

This all changed after a fateful trip to Washington, DC. I attended a conference for LGBT students attending Historically Black Colleges & Universities (HBCUs), and was so amazed and moved by the testimonies of my peers – these Black people who, like me, weren’t confused about who they were, but shared my fear of how their world would change once they shared their last truth. Some of them had even experienced the worst of the horror stories I’d heard growing up about what happens when children come out to their families. But here they were, standing and sharing with me – bruised but not broken.

I took a break from the conference to make another major life decision. No matter the extent of their dormant assumptions about my orientation, living my most authentic life was no longer subject to my family’s approval or rejection. I was the same guy, for better and worse, that I’ve always been, and I was no longer going to presume that those who loved me before would no longer choose to do so.

As a child, I came out of the closet surrounded by fear. Now, a growing but confident adult, I opened that door and stepped out into power. Affirmed and secure in the knowledge that I was going to be okay with whatever happened after I hung up the phone, I called my mother first. Three days later, I called my father.

Yes, I’d already made this declaration to him once (which he then shared with my mother and stepmother), but shortly thereafter I’d retreated back into the closet to avoid the barrage of questions I was sure my family was going to throw at me. Even now, I can’t say for sure why I lied and told my parents I was straight – chalk it up to being a 16-year-old gay boy just trying to understand my place in the revolving world of changes around me. Yes, I knew I was gay – but I wasn’t ready to face society and answer its questions. At the time, I didn’t know that the Universe loved me, even more fiercely because I was standing on the truth in which I was made. I didn’t know that being gay wasn’t an indictment of my personality or expression. I didn’t know yet that honoring my sexuality and orientation was just that, and that none of it was bigger than who I am holistically. I didn’t know that I could be more than one thing, or more than what I was taught gay people were. For me, the hardest part of coming out was answering those questions – and sharing those answers with the people who brought me into this world.

Neither conversation contained loud words or curses of my identity. They were both more sensitive and supportive than I could have ever imagined – this wasn’t at all the narrative I’d heard through the years of what happens when Black kids come out of the closet. I’d never heard of the southern Black family that had a fabulous gay son and accepted – and loved – him with open arms.

About a week later, my mother called me – it was our first conversation after my re-coming out, and I was expecting that the calm and love that had permeated our original conversation about this topic had dissipated, and was preparing myself for the dramatic scene I’d read/heard about years before.

Her words: “Son…you’re going to have to do really well in school and get a good job after you graduate, because you gays have a very expensive lifestyle.”

I laughed, and exhaled deeply. No, this wasn’t the coming out story I’d heard in my youth. But with the love of my family and the courage to own my power and live authentically, I’ve been able to write a new narrative.

And for me, it’s made all the difference.

- Michael J. Brewer

Michael J. Brewer serves as the Policy and Programs Manager at the National Black Justice Coalition (NBJC). A burgeoning political voice, Brewer has served as LGBT Coordinator for the Democratic Party of Georgia, Co-Chair of Atlanta Mayor Kasim Reed’s LGBT Advisory Committee and advisor to Georgia State Senator Vincent Fort’s (D-Atlanta) 2010 re-election campaign.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

I'm Coming Out 2

No I am not coming out to the world via facebook or other stuff!!!! :-)

Honestly I am not concerned to tell people, but I am not broadcasting anything...I mean str8 ppl don't disclose they are str8...why the hell do I have to just because I am bi/gay. It really makes no sense to me...like I don't have to tell people that I am business minded...ask me and you will find out.

Maybe that was a bad analogy, the last one, but whatever.

I just saw this online, and I wanted to share it with you guys.

For those of you struggling with accepting yourselves maybe these stories will help you.


Take it one day at a time...it gets easier and by grace it gets better.




I am out, but not totally so believe me I know how hard it is. And I am bi, but Van calls me gay. Smh...he is so stubborn. :-)

J-Bo

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

One Day...God knows this will be me!!!!



Take a look at this guys...just brings joy to my heart.

Night all.

http://www.naterob.com/index.cfm?fa=welcome



J-Bo