My Family

I got my cousins over here, and we are having a great time. They can't really hang with me, and I am taking more of a big brother/cousin role with all of them, but it is nice.

It just reminds me why people say they want to only deal with their own kids or have no kids at all. They are fun and everything, but MY GOD!!!!! :-)

So it is all cool, and I love my lil cousins. But when they go home tomorrow I won't shed a tear cause there will be peace once again.

So I haven't gotten much work done these past 2 days, but I have been getting some done. It is hard staying motivated and progressing at a reasonable rate with what I am doing. I feel like it is me moving a mountain...so much work.

I almost feel like I cannot do it, and I need some help. But I am doing my best. I sometimes just wanna go with the regular people and do something reasonable and lower my expectations. I just wonder what it would feel like to be ok with a normal job, and doing everything that would make people happy. I wonder what it would feel like to be comfortable.

The guy who has been really wanting to be on my dick has stopped talking to me. I think he found out that I cannot give him what he wants and needs. I am not in the place right now. I wanted to, but it was hard...especially since he was so super duper feminine. I mean I cannot get behind a man who says toodles and is serious about it.

Now I am not saying anything against fem men, but they are just not my taste. I have my benchmark for feminine men, and he wasn't it. Now there are some white men and women who I've been talking to, but I am not sure.

Sometimes I keep thinking...nevermind. It is what it is...I'll just casually date and have fun. I keep getting reminders of Van. Little things...like now I am watching Sister Act and that was always his way of joking on me. :-)

Even on Christmas my little niece asked about him. Smh...

Anyway everyone go out and see Django. I'm going to have to catch Les Miserables and Jack Reacher...maybe during the week sometime.

J-Bo

God showed me something...

So I was sitting here reading, and really getting into a great book. It was a book that has been changing my life. I won't get into what the book is...just yet that is.

While reading this book God revealed something to me that was so powerful. I want to premise this that I wasn't thinking about relationships or love or anything like that. I was thinking about my business life, and what I have been doing, and what I need to be doing.

So it was about leaders and supporters. It was about one not being more important than the other, and both of them as ideal and necessary.

Immediately I asked God what kind of man or woman (I know, I know, but lemme do what I do please) should be in my life as my partner...my ideal mate.

Immediately it was shown to me that I am a leader. I am someone that walks into a room and commands attention, and can withstand the weight and multitude of issues that comes with being a leader and in the front lines.

What I need is someone who is the great supporter. I know that cause no great man or woman could do what they do without a strong supporter behind them. And by supporter I mean the men and women who help change the world.

I believe that is something that I had with Van.

Now this is not to say that all people will be one way all the time. Even though I was more of a natural leader and out there, Van was also a leader in things, and I gladly lent my support. It made it easier to do things knowing he was there.

Every leader needs a supporter, and there are supporters who rock and change the world.

there are supporters who spend their time on their knees and change countries. 1/2 the time they are behind the scenes on their face talking to God. They are the big old pillars that you just don't see, but if they were removed, everything would fall apart.

I have to give myself to be a leader cause of the responsibility and weight that it carries, but I talk with God all day that he help me realize his calling on my life.

Whatever role you play love that role and run with it. The one thing that Van and I made a mistake with in the beginning as trying to change each other into who we thought the other should be. I wanted him to be more like me, and he wanted me to be more like him.

It was until we just had a friendship that we learned to let each other be who we are. I am suppose to be crazy, gregarious, out-going, and adventerous. He is meant to be who he is. Now that doesn't mean that we cannot change and grow, but that comes from working on ourselves...not working on the other person.

I am very radical in my spiritual beliefs, and he was very conservative. I wanted the ability to have the whole world, and share it with him...he wanted his little slice and set up shop and kids. We both were talking the same thing, just different ways of going about it.

I bring this up not because I miss Van, which I must be honest and say that I do and he crosses my mind at times more than other times, but I because some of you are living your lives based on the rules of others.

Don't let someone else decide how you should be, who you should be, and everything else. Don't let them dictate your story, and tell you what is best for you. No one can do that.

I strive everyday to strip away my heritage, culture, race, and more, and just get down to the meat of me. I don't want to be influenced by anything, and just go on as God would have me. Not an easy thing cause my heritage is so intertwined with who I am, but it isn't impossible.

I decided a long time ago to decide who and how I was going to live and become the man that I want to become because God has said so. It isn't easy...I am the man who has been called to be one of the few who goes out and is meant to change the world. I need strong supporters behind me cause I cannot do it alone.

I just cannot do it by myself.

Pray for me as I pray for all of you.

J-Bo

P.S. D and A are doing great in their relationship. I think they are finally starting to get it. I just wish them the best, and I am a little mad cause it isn't me, but I know God will work it out. He sent me someone as awesome, great, and valuable as Van so he can do that and more for me again. I just thank God for Van and all he has taught me. AWESOME GOD I SERVE!!!!!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and Happy Holidays!!!!

I know it is a lot, but now everyone who follows and reads me is Christian or believes in Christmas, so I wanted to make sure that I got everyone.

I just wanted to send my love and support, and let you guys know that this has been a great year, and I thank all of you for reading and following.

My family just left and now I can sleep, and relax. Today has proven to be such an awesome day. My phone has been blowing off the hook with phone calls, and texts. I have to admit that I love feeling the love...

So just remember that you guys are all loved and appreciated.

There will be more updates later.

J-Bo

Disappointment, Fucking Annoying, Stupid, Idiot...all ME!!! :-)

These are the words I have heard today from my lovely parents...over what you ask?? Over the menu for what was to be cooked for Christmas.

My mother wanted me to create a menu of things to cook for Christmas. I kept asking her what should I cook? What things is she going to have so I know what I should be doing. I asked many times what are the main things I am going to be working with.

She kept on telling me to just create a menu...so I did.

Her and my father come back and next thing you know I am being attacked. All I hear is how selfish and stupid I am. How I am trying to impress someone by cooking all this gourmet food. My father kept saying I thinks this is a restaurant.

So of course we get into a yelling match (not really yelling, but definitely back and forth) about how I am stupid and this and that. She came in saying why didn't I say anything about turkey, or ham, or anything else.

She said when have I ever seen a Christmas dinner with so much food like Thanksgiving!!! I almost said my grandmother's house, but kept my mouth shut. She then went through my menu choices and said when have we ever cooked any of these for Christmas...I held my tongue on that one, but I was about to say we haven't had a Christmas with all of us in years, because you run away every year to the islands.

So I stood my ground, and stayed strong, and they just went upstairs and into their bed.

After they left I rushed into the bathroom and I cried. All the words that they said about me and called m really hurt. I acted nice and tough and like I don't care, but to be honest Being called those names hurt...alot.

So now I had plans to go to church tomorrow, but thanks to the way things went down I don't even wanna be in the same house as them much less the same car. So I am going to stay home, and do what I do.

Pray for me guys...I am reaching that point of no return.

J-Bo

I still miss and think of him...why??

So I was sitting here, and really thinking of Van.

It doesn't happen all the time...most times I am really good. But every once and awhile I see or hear something that reminds me of him. I smell something that reminds me of him.

Now don't get me wrong...I am not walking around just missing him. I have been out having fun, and living my life, and doing me. No that does not mean I am sleeping around. I haven't been with anyone since him.

I don't want to just jump into bed with someone, and all the great people in my life who want to be with me, there is just a block. Not sure why, but how many people have leading medical and legal professionals wanting a relationship with them. How many people have financial and political leaders interested in them.

Maybe it is because I don't feel like I am doing all that I can right now that I don't want to be with so many great people. I just feel so humbled and grateful that they want to be with me. The big trip is that I am finding "big" names in the religious and spiritual community coming around. God knows what they see in me...what Van saw in me??

So tomorrow I have plans to do, but now I just want to sleep. I am starting to working out again cause this weight has to come off.

When I do think of him I push it out of my head. I kind of put a barrier up around my heart and mind when it comes to him. The funny thing is that he has always been able to get pass them with little to no effort. God, why am I so weak, and what is it about him.

I have literally had royalty on my dick, and yet this kid comes and rocks me. God what were you thinking?!?!?!?!

BTW went to the doctor and dentist and everything is great except I need to lose this weight. Wow...i just rhymed. :-)

Off to bed...night people.

J-Bo

P.S. I wonder how he is doing? I wonder how his family is doing? I wonder if he ever thinks about me? I wonder how med school is going? I wonder...I just wonder.

P.P.S. I put in the title why I thought about him...I know why. I still have feelings for him. I knew that wasn't going to change. 

Doctor's Appointment

I am back in the city and it feels so damn GOOD!!! I like being upstate just because it gives me a chance to reset and relax, but I miss the hustle and bustle of the city. I asked someone what is there to do up there...a few people and all of them said sex, work, drink, and more sex.

And me with no man or girl in my life. SMH

So I am going to enjoy the city...see some friends. And also go to the doctor and dentist. I already know what my doctor is going to say, but I still gotta go. I didn't do everything that I could've to make my doctor happy, but all that will change. Things are looking up, and I am so damn excited about my life.

So as I sit here waiting and getting some stuff done, I see everyone running around...doing last minute studying and reviewing. I do not miss that, but I do miss the staying over nights and talking and studying and having fun.

I've made memories and experiences that will forever be with me. City College has become one of the defining moments of my adult life...I love that realization, because I am so young and I have so many more to look forward to.

Life is so good...

So I am bringing in the new year a single bachelor, but that is ok. I am still hopeful for the future...now lemme finish eat this food, take a nap, and go see my doctor and get started with the rest of my day.

J-Bo

In the company of real Men and Women

So I am in the loving spirit. And no it is not only because I am so horny I could put a hole in my brand new queen size mattress!!!

So my friend A asked me to hang out with him on Monday, and mentioned Van coming out too. I told him Van doesn't want to see me, think of me, or even know that I am alive. I said I am not going to be around anyone who thinks so little of me.

So he wants to come up to my new house and hang out with me. I told him he can come up and bring whoever he wants and we can all chill and have a good time.

I am hoping that all 3 of them can come up here and have a great time. I cannot lie and say it would be awesome if Van was driving them up here, but I know it is all a pipe dream. I don't exist and he probably focuses a lot on making me not even a memory.

That hurts, but it is what it is.

Now I need to find food, and get my ass to do some more work.

Spend time with loved ones, and start living your truth.

J-Bo

Brain Tumor...please pray for my family.

Just found out my maternal grandmother has a brain tumor. Apparently she had one about 7-8 years ago and they got it out, but now it is on the other side of her brain.

This is bad news, but nothing I am worried or scared about. I just don't like the news.

Please keep my family in your prayers.

J-Bo

Been a long time...how have you been?

I know that I have been MIA as of late.

Let's just say that I have been very busy. From going on dates and meeting great people, I have also been focusing on making some serious money.

Being out here is a blessing cause it does force me to get stuff done, and it has allowed me to get back to 0. To get centered and peaceful.

Thank God for the small things.

So as of right now I am just keeping myself real busy, and it has been working. There are times when I think of certain people, but that is neither here nor there. I am dedicated to not being undervalued and treated like shit. I am worth my weight in gold, and I am a big man. :-D

So something that I want to tell you guys is that the BFA's had their end of semester recital. ALL OF THEM WERE AWESOME!!!!! ALL OF THEM!!!!!

I was blown away!! It is obvious that some of them are better than others...there is a clear distinction that there are 2 great vocal teachers, and 2 bad vocal teachers. But still everyone's voice has grown and people came out of the wood works that night.

Even "The Director" as we call came by...off from her tour of South America. :-)

Watching them has lit a fire under my belt. I love them so much...my BFA family for LIFE!!!! Not all voices were free and without tension, but at least there was sound and growth. And to add some love and stroke my ego almost everyone came up to me telling me how happy they were that I was there.

A few of them even said they watched me as they performed to know that they were doing great. I don't know why they said it, but I am humbled and grateful.

Now even though it is early for me over here it is time for bed...long day tomorrow, and I need to keep up the momentum.

J-Bo

Me and my boys!!

My kids had some business to take care of here on the East Coast and decided to surprise me and spend some time with me.

It was a great surprise, and so happy to see them in love. They told me that they tried letting Van know that they were here, but he didn't respond to their message. Mack of course said he probably cut them off, and threw them away too.

Corey is really hurt by that, but he said if someone can do that to you, and call themselves a man of God they are lying to themselves. I agree...Van is doing what he feels is right for him, and that is great for him.

I gotta do what is right for me and those around me. I cannot live life like that...I cannot be that way and be happy. Some of us are meant to fly.

So now I am going to finish hanging out with these guys and then get to bed.

Got a long day tomorrow.

J-Bo

Today I did...NOTHING!!!

To day was one of the most unproductive days I've had in a long time, but I'm not mad. Obviously my body needed sleep, and rest, and to do some healing.

I just wish it was more my choice, but the older I get I realize I either have to take extra care of my body, or risk being taken down by the inside out, and that cannot happen. At least, I know what I have to do, and now I just have to do it.

We still need to get phone, cable, and internet out here. I missed all my shows...Glee, Private Practice, Grey's Anatomy, Elementary, Law & Order SVU, The Doctors, Dr. Oz, Ellen Degeneres, Burn Notice, and Covert Affairs, to name a few. God bless DVR, cause without it I couldn't watch any of them, and now I am a week behind.

Also Shark Tank too...I am about to make nice with these fine ass neighbors that I have and go use their electronics. I know the girl likes me, cause she heard me sing, and we talk and flirt a lot, and her male friend (assuming he is a brother or cousin) is gay cause he is just giving me all the clues.

I shouldn't be worrying about doing anything seeing how I am single...but I am talking to someone else kinda on the regular, and I have to head up to BK to go see him soon. He told me he is hungry for some fun, and so am I.

But we are just dating, and we are not in a relationship, so I don't feel bad. He has a business he is running, and so do I...gotta make that paper!!

So not that I am up and it is only minutes to 6, I need to find some food, and find something to do. I hope we get this cable sorted out by this weekend. I am looking forward to going to church Sunday...I miss my friends, and I miss having a stable source of internet and my friends too.

But this time out here has been a blessing in disguise. I just had to change my perception, and my internal dialogue.

So I hope all of you are having a good Friday. I know I am having a real slow and boring one, but maybe that is what I needed. I needed some me time...and some more.

J-Bo

Back on campus

So I am back at my school, and it feels nice. I am looking forward to being with my friends.

It is funny though that at one point I was calm, peaceful, and tired, but when I walked into the library I still had all those feeling, but then Van entered my mind.

This is to be expected...my last 2 years of my undergraduate degree Van was a huge part of that. I will admit that I do miss him and think of him. It happens and I just thank God for the great times we had, and wish him well.

So now I am back in that library in the chairs in one of the rooms that we would find each other in our arms, and having sex, and yes making love, and all around enjoying each others company. :-)

Now I am going to go to sleep, and get some serious sleep, cause last night I did not get enough. I need to catch up on my sleep.

Hope everyone has just as good a day as I am already having. Time for bed!!

J-Bo

Quick Update

So some of you may know and some of you don't but I recently made a move to Upstate, NY. About an 1hr to 1-1/2 hours drive out of the city.

To be honest I already miss the city...I should clarify and say that I miss the convenience of having everything at my finger tips.

There is nothing around me, but if I take a drive then things are more accessible, but I don't have my car yet. So I have to take baby steps, but still moves are being made.

It is really beautiful out here. I mean just being so close to nature and having this peace and quiet is a God send, but not everyday. It is giving me time to get to work though so I should be happy about that...and I am.

Later on I am going to go out for a walk...the view with the sun kissing the horizon, and the fog is breathtaking. I love these moments of communing with nature. I feel it brings a certain beauty and elegance to my prayer and meditation life.

So I hope all of you guys and gals out there are doing good...cause I am very blessed. I have so much, and I keep getting more. Not an excuse to rest on my laurels though...there is still much that needs to be done.

So lemme get back to unpacking and then I need to take a nap. I only got 2 hours of sleep last night. I ended up staying in a hotel cause there is something wrong with the sewer pipes on this side of the housing complex. It is a new construct and I found out that what we have is house-style condos.

I cannot wait to have my friends and loved ones come up for a visit and stay the night.  But first work needs to be done.

I decided this would be a nice place to come to on the weekends, or to get away when my folks are away. Kind of a lovers spot. :-)

Things just keep getting better.

J-Bo

Sorry for being so MIA

My family has been planning on moving, and it has been stressing me out, but I am dealing with it.

The good news is that my business is up and running, and we are making some really big moves. I am still working on the little things to get everything up and running, but I feel God has lit a fire under my ass.

Honestly it was always there, but this move really is motivating me...which just helps to sell my belief that we as people are controlled by two primary controls...pain and pleasure.

The want to go for pleasure, and stay away from pain, and pain is a bigger motivator sadly...but it is the truth.

It is.

I just found out it will cost me about $21 to travel one way taking the metronorth...that is so disgusting to me. Then I gotta still pay when I get into the city. I just need to make some more money and that is what is going on.

This is going to be an awesome Christmas.

I also promised to say what was still bothering/hurting me.

I still feel bad about the way things ended up between Van and I. But I don't let it bother me too much anymore. All I have to do is remind myself that this is not in my control.

He is a man and he made a decision, and he wants to believe he is doing the right thing.

I need to raise my standards anyway, and get more of the best.

Now I have to rush to school, and chill out till I tutor these kids, and then tomorrow I am back in school to hang out with a great woman. She misses me and I miss her too.

So tomorrow is going to be a great day...today is a great day. Now back to work.

TTYL

J-Bo

Thanksgiving and beyond...

I hope everyone had a great thanksgiving.

Mine was great..except a quick stint when my cousin had a fight with his new baby mama. I swear it makes me happy that I am more into men then women, cause the shit people put themselves through makes me sick.

It also makes me wanna be alone, but that isn't going to happen. I have women and men in my life right now that want to be with me, but I am just so lost.

For the most part because there are so many options I don't know what to do. Very similar to how I am when in a restaurant...everything looks so good that I don't know what I want first. I must be honest...I am like a kid in a candy store.

So I cooked my famous dish, but it came out good, but not the same because I had to substitute ingredients. My cousins and grandmother told me to give them a shopping list of what I needed, and of course they didn't get me what I needed and wanted.

So next time I know better and this will not happen.

So I have to find something for me to do, cause I am so bored and anxious. I just need some loving...some intimacy...some attention.

The next post I want to tell you guys something that no one knows...not even the Big 3. Something that I am hiding from everyone.

J-Bo

Black Friday fun!!!

I have so much to do today, but I don't want to do any of it.

I have 3 dates today, and 2 of them want me to go back to their house. Or I should say we are suppose to start at their house...

I just don't know what to do...I know what I want to do.

I want to be wanted and appreciated and loved fully without any BS in the middle. Van didn't want to do it, and these guys and 1 lady want to do that. So maybe I should just let them.

Why am I even thinking about this man...he doesn't think or even remember anything about me!!!

I am having a good time with his cousins though and his siblings...they are the kind of people who I like to hang out with.

I will never forget his graduation party...he was so torn between being his own person, and being the person they feel he should be.

Not that I care...I have better things to do. I just need to vent every once and awhile...I don't want my other friends to know I still think about him from time to time...sometimes more than I thought that it would.

So I have a female and a guy who are like him. I mean they have everything from him that I absolutely love and desire, but they have one added bonus.

THEY ARE LIVING THEIR OWN LIVES AND IF THEIR FAMILIES DON'T LIKE IT THEN THAT IS TOUGH BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT GOING TO BE UNDER THEIR THUMB...THEY ARE ADULTS!!!!!!

It is so refreshing...it is like Van's cousin's and siblings...they are all so free spirits, and about doing what it is that they want and need to do for themselves.

Another thing that I love is that they are always looking for ways to do better and get better. They don't just lower their expectations...

"When people show you who they are, you need to believe them." ~ Unknown

Meaning that trust what you see...Van has shown me time and time again he doesn't want to grow change or mature in any significant way...but that is not fair. He was doing it. He really was.

There is a double edged sword going on...you have to trust what ppl show you cause it is the truth, but then again when people want to make a change they can...so you cannot hold them to old paradigms because if they are changing you are doing yourself and them a disservice.

Lemme get ready for these things, and see who I am feeling more right now...

I won't even tell you what criteria I am using to decide who I spend my time with on any given day.

J-Bo

Happy Thanksgicing

Just wanted to send you guys some love on one of my favorite holidays!!!!

Love you guys

Got Christmas already on repeat...but then again I had Christmas music on repeat from the day after Halloween.

J-Bo

My phone...my poor phone!!!

So my phone is not working right now...this is annoying. I needed to vent a little.

So now back to work. What is your plans for Thanksgiving??

Also I need some help.

I have 6 people in my life and they all wanna be with me. Not just date...which is what I want for right now. They all want relationships, and I wanna...forget that.

I cannot be in a relationship with all of them. I mean one person is hard enough. So now I have to make a very hard decision...what to do what to do??

Guess I should be thanking God for giving me such great options. It is like he is making up for the mess with Van. You cannot tell me God ain't good. Van messed things up, and as a reward I have my choice of men and women as to whom would be great partners.

Now I just gotta figure out what it is that I am going to do...

That is it for all...ttyl.

J-Bo

I should be happy...

Maybe it is too soon for me to be dating even though I love the attention.

I mean I am horny as hell, but the thought of having sex with someone else feels strained...but the hornier I get the easier the thought is becoming. I guess this is how infidelity creeps into marriages and relationships.

So I should be happy that 1 guy and 2 females who are great prospects want to be with me. They all told me today that they really want to be with me, and see where things go.

It makes me happy to feel wanted and appreciated...I mean they have just met me once and 1 of them not even that. Funny what people can see and appreciate in me. It must be the spirit of God, cause I know I ain't nothing special.

With all this all I can think about is that I am so happy to be here right now in my life. The other thing that is on my mind is that it is Van's bday. Another couple of months would've marker 3 years being in each other's life.

Funny how things can change. No one knows what is going to happen, but God.

Now off to bed cause I get to spend time with one of my kids tomorrow. Gotta get my sleep to tire this little girl out.

J-Bo

Today was a day of spiritual satisifaction...

So today was a good day...and the last couple of days have been pretty good, but I still feel like I have so much to do.

I NEED A VACATION!!!! Just to recharge and get things into perspective.

So I got spiritually fed today watching Super Soul Sunday...you guys have to watch this every Sunday and get BLESSED!!!!!!!

Then I went to church and got blessed again, and had things confirmed in just another way.

Last I stayed for a gospel concert, and that was fun. Someone came to the Lord tonight, and I had a good time with my friends. So now I can go to sleep, but I gotta call these guys and gals and make plans for the rest of the week.

I spoke to one of my best friends today about my issue. I told him that I have all these men and women who are awesome and I am confused. I have doctors, lawyers, dancers, actors and actresses, musicians, singers, scientist, entrepreneurs and more professionals who are interested in me, and as far as I see I am not even worthy...yet. :-)

My friend I will call him L, said it has always been like that. I have always had people of great stature and status who wanted to be with and around me. The only difference is that they were of questionable character some of them. Van really broke that mold.

So now I have all these people who are great and want me, but I am so lost. I am so confused. I have to talk to the Big 3 and get some perspective.

Also what happened to the masculine gay/bi man. I mean yes Van wasn't all that masculine, but he was a man. There is this one guy who is really really close to me now, and I think it is because he reminds me so much of Van...and he has the one quality I wanted in Van. A free thinker and strong spiritual foundation not based on religion.

I have more important things to do than to worry about relationships right now, but it is nice to be needed and wanted.

I hope you all have had a great weekend, and tomorrow finds you well. Now I am off to sleep ppl.

J-Bo

P.S. Some of the guys asked me how Van is doing. I said they have to find out for themselves. I do wonder how the med school stuff is going. Not that I care of course cause I don't. His bday is in 2 days, so I have to remind my ppl to reach out and wish him a happy bday. Not that I care, but it will make him feel good.

So much going through my mind...

I got so much going on in my head.

I am working on business stuff, that is making moves, but I need an infusion of capital to keep going, so I have to work on those.

I have 5 people in my circle right now that want to date me, but I am not overly impressed or really thinking about them.

I don't really want to be with them...I am just very horny and kind of lonely in the romantic area. I don't want to use them just to fulfill a need I have when I don't want them to fill it. I just have to see, what I can do.

I just feel so pulled in a lot of directions.

I am working now on getting my life situated so that what I am dong is going to bring me closer to my goals.

Just pray for me people...soon I am going to be doing big things, and I will share as much as possible. Things are getting better, but I am tired of them being so damn slow. I want massive growth and change, but I have to get myself ready.

It is all there for me when I take action.

J-Bo

Bachelors and Bachelorettes...so many, too many

Just wanted to let you guys know that I am so confused and so lost in ways that I have never thought of before.

But I shouldn't be...

I mean I am single with men and women interested in me. I mean they want me now even with all the things that I consider to be issues that I want to work on, but they still see me as a great catch. Part of me thinks they see the kind of man I am, and turning into and wanna hitch their wagons to me.

It is a little scary. With Van I knew he was with me because he really cared and loved me for who I am...the mess that I am. :-)

Now there are 6 people including this Sire person who really like me, and really want to go somewhere with me. I mean they are talking about hopping on a plane and just going away and doing stuff.

It sucks so much cause it seems I am getting all that I want now, but it is not what I really want. I am so confused.

All I can think about is talking to Van and just hearing his voice...sometimes it is really strong and sometimes it is not strong. All I know at the core of it is, is that I miss him. I miss him so much...so much.

I kind of feel I am jumping into this too soon...even though I am working hard at not comparing anyone to Van, it is hard...cause I find myself doing it without realizing.

Funny how people work. We can have someone or multiple people in my case who want to give us everything and anything that we want and need to be happy, but for some reason the person who was emotionally and mentally incapable is on my mind.

Don't get me wrong I am not obsessing over him...he is a dream at times. But I cannot lie and hide the fact that I still love him...still in love with him. He owns so much of my heart and spirit, and I believe I own more of his.

It is for that reason he runs away from me, and blames God. Of course he is also messed up in the head, and living a life he doesn't want. But he is willing and happy to live this way. He won't see it until it is too late cause he doesn't want to.

So I am so totally screwed up...but I have to remind myself Van don't want me, and he wants to be alone. He had plans to be alone, and never be with anyone besides Jesus. If he gets married to a woman that will last for so long until it blows up. I want to spare him from that, but I think he knows.

He knows what is going to happen so he is going to be alone...works too. He comes from a family of people who are alone and without that kind of love. It just sucks that he is choosing that.

Lemme stop talking to him. I have entrepreneurs, accountants, surgeons, doctors, lawyers, musicians, businessmen and women, and dancers who want my and my attention. So why not give it to them. I feel bad cause I want to be with them...kinda.

What do these people see in me. Also forgot I have a few ministers and preachers too. I don't consider them cause for the most part people who are raised in church are really handicapped and emotionally and mentally unstable. That is not totally true, but it is a pattern.

I mean some of them are talking about taking trips, traveling, doing and seeing great things.

I know what I have to do...I have to keep moving forward wherever that is. Going to take some of them up on some fun stuff. No sex though...even though I so want it. I just need to get Van out of my mind. It isn't fair that he doesn't think and feel anything for me. I hate that he just moved on.

I know men and women who would be so happy. To have all these eligible bachelors and bachelorettes that are trying their best to make themselves available. Not only that but they are on the right path spiritually and I can see how most of them are so doing the right thing.

God why am I so confused. I am staying home today. I don't want to meet anyone today. I will just text, e-mail, vid chat, and IM the people I am already talking to.

J-Bo

God works in mysterious ways

So I was pushed to go onto a site called OKCupid, by one of my friends and I wasn't about to do it.

I prefer to meet people in person, and have that great connection and see how things are going back and forth.

But OkCupid is an interesting site, cause they match you up pretty good. Not only did I find a church boy but his family is also from the South (Mississippi) like Van, and he is a singer. I must admit that I made this new guy sing for me, and he sounded ok, but he was lacking that sound that I have grown accustomed to.

I always said Van has a down south delta blues slave voice, and it has so much soul in it. Some things he sings it doesn't fit, but if he sticks to jazz type stuff and classical I think Van will do just fine.

But this new guy I will call him Sire, he also has a good voice, but I was doing some comparing, and that wasn't fair. Also what I figure is going on is that I am not really hearing his voice. There is this guy in my church and I never liked his voice when I first heard it, but then I realized I caught him on a off day.

But now that I hear hear him...THAT BOY CAN SANG!!!!! So since Sire has that straight up Baptist training, and grew up as that church boy I know he can get down. So I know that it was just an off day.

But me and this dude really connect...like really connect. I am really shocked as to how we just click.

Don't get me wrong now Van will always hold a special place in my heart, but this man is a force to be reckoned with. I mean he comes across as a total asshole sometimes, but he is a no nonsense man. He actually reminds me of the west indians in my life.

Another added bonus is that he is 6'2"...I haven't had a tall man in a while. Not that it mattered for me. I was always the tallest in all my relationships so Van fit right in, and he worked out great, but it will be interesting when I meet this guy and see how things go.

The last thing that bothered me about Sire was that he sounds a lil more feminine that I care for. But as I talk to him I realize that Van also had very fem talk. It was just that with Van I was used to it, and it was clear to see.

So with Sire I am putting it aside, and making a decision to feel him out. Cause he even addressed that...he said even though I am a lil more fem than some guys I am a man. And he went ahead and said what he wanted to say. But he does have some more feminine traits than Van and I am so not into the Fem thing, but we will see.

Just going to hang out and see if we really click.

I will say one thing...this man impressed me last night. We just clicked. Not sure where it will take us or what to expect, but I am very happy. I think he will be a very good friend, cause I need me a masculine man or one who is a little fem like Van...Sire maybe more fem than I want, but I will see.

J-Bo

P.S. I will always consider Van to be a friend, so if he was to ever need help or just want to talk and reconnect I am always here for him. But that is up to him, and until then I am having the time of my life. I am happy with where I am right now, cause things are going very very good. So I don't throw anyone away, and I am here if needed...

P.P.S. This man is such a hard ass...he won't let me get away with nothing. He has a lot of the qualities I loved in Van, and also the best thing is that he is a free thinker, and a critical thinker. He isn't about image and ego...he is about so much more. Thank God for this man...not sure what will come of it, but I am happy to have his influence in my life...so much growth and change coming.

How to Know It's Real Love??

Got this article from this website: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/How-to-Know-Its-Real-Love-Advice-from-Martha-Beck/3

I tried to just put the link here but it is hard to just add the content to another blog...don't know why, but I want to share it with you guys.

I read it and reread it, and I am convinced that this is something that not only did I have, but I had in spades. Funny how we had it working out. Why the hell does he have to believe that being gay is wrong??!!??!?! So annoying!!! :-)

As I read this I dare to Van to say that we don't match up pretty well. Sure we both had our short comings, but we really did click.

Enough waiting...here it is:

btw the article is by Martha Beck

-------------------------

In a folktale that has been retold for centuries in many variations (one of which is Shakespeare's King Lear), an elderly king asks his three daughters how much they love him. The two older sisters deliver flowery speeches of filial adoration, but the youngest says only "I love you as meat loves salt." The king, insulted by this homely simile, banishes the youngest daughter and divides his kingdom between the older two, who promptly kick him out on his royal heinie. He seeks refuge in the very house where his third daughter is working as a scullery maid. Recognizing her father, the daughter asks the cook to prepare his meal without salt. The king eats a few tasteless mouthfuls, then bursts into tears. "All along," he cries, "it was my youngest daughter who really loved me!" The daughter reveals herself and all ends happily (except in King Lear, where pretty much everybody dies).

This story survived throughout Europe for a very long time because it is highly instructive: It reminds listeners that in matters of love, choosing style over substance is disastrous. It also helps us know when we're making that mistake. Salt is unique in that its taste doesn't cover up the food it seasons but enhances whatever flavor was there to begin with. Real love, real commitment, does the same thing.

Each of the following five statements is the polar opposite of what most Americans see as loving commitment. But these are "meat loves salt" commitments, as necessary as they are unconventional. Only if you and your beloved can honestly say them to each other is your relationship likely to thrive.

1. I can live without you, no problem.

"I can't live," wails the singer, "if living is without you." It sounds so tragically deep to say that losing your lover's affections would make life unlivable—but have you ever been in a relationship with someone whose survival truly seemed to depend on your love? Someone who sat around waiting for you to make life bearable, who threatened to commit suicide if you ever broke up? Or have you found yourself on the grasping side of the equation, needing your partner the way you need oxygen? The emotion that fuels this kind of relationship isn't love; it's desperation. It can feel romantic at first, but over time it invariably fails to meet either partner's needs.

The statement "I can't survive without you" reflects not adult attraction but infancy, a phase when we really would have died if our caretakers hadn't stayed close by, continuously anticipating our needs. The hunger for total nurturing usually means we're in the middle of a psychological regression, feeling like abandoned infants who need parenting now, now, now! If this is how you feel, don't start dating. Start therapy. Counseling can teach you how to get your needs met by the only person responsible for them: you. The "I can't live without you" syndrome ends when we learn to care for ourselves as tenderly and attentively as a good mother. At that point, we're ready to form stable, lasting attachments that can last a lifetime. "I can live without you" is an assurance that sets the stage for real love.

 

2. My love for you will definitely change.

Most human beings seem innately averse to change. Once we've established some measure of comfort or stability, we want to nail it in place so that there's no possibility of loss. It's understandable, then, that the promise "My love for you will never change" is a hot seller. Unfortunately, this is another promise that is more likely to scuttle a relationship than shore it up.

The reason is that everything—and everyone—is constantly changing. We age, grow, learn, get sick, get well, gain weight, lose weight, find new interests, and drop old ones. And when two individuals are constantly in flux, their relationship must be fluid to survive. Many people fear that if their love is free to change, it will vanish. The opposite is true. A love that is allowed to adapt to new circumstances is virtually indestructible. Infatuation relaxes into calm companionship, then flares again as we see new things to love about each other. In times of trouble and illness, obligation may feel stronger than attraction—until one day we realize that hanging in there through troubled times has bonded us more deeply than ever before. Like running water, changing love finds its way past obstacles. Freezing it in place makes it fragile, rigid, and all too likely to shatter.

3. You're not everything I need.

I'm a big fan of sexual monogamy, but I'm puzzled by lovers who claim that their romantic partner is the only person they need in their lives or that time together is the only activity necessary for emotional fulfillment. Humans are designed to live in groups, explore ideas, and constantly learn new skills. Trying to get all this input from one person is like trying to get a full range of vitamins by eating only ice cream. When a couple believes "We must fulfill all of each other's needs," each becomes exhausted by the effort to be all things to the other and neither can develop fully as an individual.

It amazes me how often my clients' significant others feel threatened when the clients revive childhood passions or take up new hobbies. I encourage people to bring their spooked spouses to a session so we can discuss their fears. The hurt partners usually come in sounding something like this: "How come you have to spend three hours a week playing tennis (or gardening or painting)? Are you saying I'm not enough to keep you happy?" The healthiest response to such questions is "That's right, our relationship isn't enough to make me completely happy—and if I pretended it were, I'd stunt my soul and poison my love for you. Ever thought about what you'd like to do on your own?" Sacrificing all our individual needs doesn't strengthen a relationship. Mutually supporting each other's personal growth does.

 

4. I won't always hold you close.

There's a thin line between a romantic statement like "I love you so much, I want to share my life with you until death do us part" and the lunatic-fringe anthem "I love you so much that if you try to leave me, I'll kill you." People who say such things love others the way spiders love flies; they love to capture them, wrap them in immobilizing fetters, and drain nourishment out of them at peckish moments. This is not the kind of love you want.

The way you can tell real love from spider love is simple: Possessiveness and exploitation involve controlling the loved one, whereas true love is based on setting the beloved free to make his or her own choices. How you use the word make is also a tip-off. When you hear yourself saying "He makes me feel X" or "He made me do Y," you're playing the victimized, trussed-up fly. Even more telling are sentences like "I've got to make him see that he's wrong" or "I'll hide what I really think because it would make him angry." You are not the victim but the crafty spider, withholding and using manipulation to control your mate's feelings and actions. Either strategy means that someone is being held too close, wrapped in spider silk.

Getting out of this sticky situation is simple: Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Begin by taking responsibility for your own choices—including the choice to obey the spider man who may have you in his thrall. Then communicate your real feelings, needs, and desires to your partner, without trying to force the reaction you want. If your relationship can't thrive in the clear light of honesty, it is better to get out of it than to sink further into manipulation and control.

5. You and I aren't one.

Perhaps you are neither a spider nor a fly but a chameleon who morphs to match the one you love. Or you may date chameleons, choosing partners who conform to your personality. Either way, you're not in a healthy relationship. In fact, you're not in a relationship at all.

I used to tune in so acutely to my loved ones' wants and needs that I literally didn't know my own. This denial of self ultimately turned into resentment, poisoning several close relationships. Then—once burned, twice shy—I went briefly to the opposite extreme. I found myself having a lot of lackluster lunches with folks who hung on my every word and agreed with everything I said. Narcissistic I may be, but Narcissus I'm not; hanging out with a human looking-glass, no matter how flattering, left me lonely.

If you're living by the "We are one" ideal, it's high time you found out how terrific love for two can be. Follow your heart in a direction your partner wouldn't go. Dare to explore your differences. Agree to disagree. If you're accustomed to disappearing, this will allow you to see that you can be loved as you really are. If you tend to dominate, you'll find out how interesting it is to love an actual person rather than a human mirror.

*****
Buddha once said that just as we can know the ocean because it always tastes of salt, we can recognize enlightenment because it always tastes of freedom. There's no essential difference between real love and enlightenment. While many people see commitment as a trap, its healthy versions actually free both lovers, bring out the flavor of their true selves, and build a love that is satisfying, lasting, and altogether delicious.

Last night was disappointing...thinking of him.

Was suppose to go out last night, but due to what I will call a misunderstanding I end up going home without hanging out and getting the interaction that I wanted and needed.

On the whole ride home thank God I had my iPod cause I was preoccupied on the music.

It wasn't until I got home, that I started to think of Van. I mean I was going through some serious withdrawal, and the thing is that besides the sex, I missed my friend.

Van has become such an integral part of my life, and it is hard not having him here.

I just miss talking with him, sharing ideas, laughing, arguing, and just being there. Connecting and learning about each other. And also I do miss the sex...I mean that ass was too sweet and that dick!!!!! :-)

Now I'm all in that place. Lemme get up and shower and head to school. Gotta hang out, tutor, and then back to school for some event...basically free food and music. :-)

So these next two days are days in schools and just getting stuff done.

I need to get these emotions out and the best way to do this was singing and writing. I just miss him so much. Gotta do something...and do something big.

I can imagine him awake already cause now he is an early riser...something I put in him cause that was so me, and he was the person to wake up at noon. Smh...

J-Bo

Brand New Me

This song just blessed me.

It was if God himself wrote it...then again all our creativity comes from God so I guess he did.

I hope this blesses someone else to, and remember you are who you are meant to be.

I am redesigning my life...got huge plans and goals and I don't want negative people around me. If you can't support me and be positive than you don't want to be in my life and that is ok.

I have to remember that he doesn't think about me, he doesn't miss me, and he doesn't want me. I mean everyone is saying it...he is not that stupid to be a victim of his social conditioning. So it is what it is.

I am going out with my friend to go and see this guy friend of his for a few drinks and just to chill. I am always down for some new friends. I just don't wanna be back in the house right now...need to keep Van out of my head.

J-Bo

Back Out on the Scene

So I have officially rejoined the dating scene, and while there are still things that I want to work on for myself on myself I am doing pretty good.

Just reminds me that I have no problem meeting people, and honestly people want to be with me.

Just sad that while I am out and about I am thinking that you are nice and would be fun, but I honestly don't want to be with you. I know who I want to be with.

So cool this girl said she wishes I was str8 cause she would marry me...that she has never met a man like me that makes her feel good on all fronts.

I cannot lie that made my day, and also made me think that I do have something.

Good thing is that I don't have to ask people to be with me, and I don't worry about relationships failing. I am solid gold...just gotta get this man outta me.

I am thinking of fucking him outta my head. But that isn't going to work...honestly it is getting easier to deal with him not being there. I just know that he is always going to have that special place in my heart...nothing I can do about that.

I truly believe that what God puts together no man can tear apart...even the people in the middle of it. We mess things up...not God, and Van messed this up.

But I have found quite a few interesting ppl to talk to just to keep me busy. The funny thing is that most of them are COGIC and Baptist which just goes to show that they are two very very gay denominations.

LOL...ain't God funny though.

Time to get back to this rehearsal.

J-Bo

Make It Like It Was - My prayer and my plea

This song just demonstrates what I am feeling right now.

I miss him so much. I am happy I can be honest with you guys...

Funny thing is that I hate the fact that this has happened...I don't like it, and I feel like writing him a letter or calling him, and letting him know how I feel.



This is my prayer to God and also to all of you out there who are acting out of fear, and stuck.

No more writing...time for a nap.

J-Bo
 

Getting better and better...

Not going to be long today...so tired.

Church was off the chain, and I stayed late for the evening service, just cause the preacher was this lady I like a lot...she preached a real serious word and it touched me.

So I just want to say that things are looking up.

I am feeling really overwhelmed at all the opportunities that are coming my way. I feel like I need 45 assistants and 300 staff.

If I don't do something soon I am going to burn out. I am already starting to feel my body give out on me a little...working on 6 hours sleep on 48 hours active.

So tonight is an early night...

Gnite people and I hope tomorrow finds you all better and brighter.

J-Bo

Spreading the Good News...

So I put up a picture saying: I know God loves me because I am created and I am perfect, or something like that. I could always look at it, but I don't feel like it. Actually I will post it right now for you...duh:

So I did that and my cousin was like are you trying to tell us something because I posted it and it had the rainbow colors...I honestly didn't even see that there. I was just thinking of the message and the fact that I loved it...the words moved me.

So I of course denied being gay, because I am bi, and even though it is a loophole ppl like Van and others cannot use, I can. I am not ashamed, but I wasn't asked. Kinda feel guilty as if I lied by default, but I will deal with that later.

So I started getting into some talks with some people, and then the next thing I see is my old gospel choir leader from college starts in and says what he wants to say. I of course try to keep it light, and not go to hard, but he was going in, so I had to come back with the facts.

Then he started to say a bunch of stuff, and I knew I had him then. People just don't have the facts...they are being deceived, and I believe it is both intentionally and unintentionally. I mean most people teaching are just rehashing the same things they were taught without thinking outside themselves...funny thing religious people seem to be the most gullible and simple.

But spiritual people tend to be thinkers...and deep thinkers at that. :-)

So I felt our conversation getting kinda long and hard, so I decided that I will see him at school and have a good talk with him then. I mean I love having these discussions and sharing what I have learned.

So I want to go out and do so. I believe first and foremost my purpose...my assignment is to teach/preach and to be a leader where there are mostly followers. I have always had a bleeding heart and was seen as overly compassionate and loving. That is where my strength lies...in my kindness and compassion.

So it is a hard and dangerous road, but God is in me...so I have nothing to fear, but fear itself, and that is pretty stupid.

So now I have to prepare for this, and I am not only looking to teach, but also to learn so hopefully he can shed some light on somethings for me...as to how I can go about help to open the eyes, and bring the church further into what Jesus was all about.

I keep seeing a church body interested in traditions, rituals, and precepts. Funny cause Jesus Christ was more of a spiritual man than he was a religious one, but we have so many people tied to the religion side of things.

I cannot lie...I am scared as hell, but it is what needs to be done.

It is going to happen sooner or later...why not start with me.

Now off to church...running late. Expecting to be thoroughly blessed and entertained. Looking to get something to feed my spirit more than I get on my own. I do fine by myself, but I am really appreciaiting my time in church.

I missed Sunday School, but maybe next week, and I think Fridays and Sundays are just fine...and maybe a Wednesday for bible study...gotta see. :-)

If Van was operating in faith, trust, and truth then he would be here to kinda help me on this. I value his opinion...I miss him so much and I wanna call him. Just to hear him laugh...the door is always open on my side.

We are soul tied and hence soul mates...so he will always be a welcomed and trusted friend...and I think he knows the same is true for him. Interesting thing is that he would try to lie about it, but if we were to hang out one of two things would happen...he would be a super dick trying to keep a wall up and ruin our time together, or he would be who he is and we would have a great time...seeing some action flick.

I wanna take him to the new James Bond movie...actually I wanna go as a group. Lemme stop planning...church awaits!!!

J-Bo

When you ask God answers...but maybe not in the way you think.

I awoke this morning, and this was on my spirit. It came from me watching a funny, but heartfelt movie, and it really helped to open my eyes and mind to seeing more than one way.

It was simply this...when you pray for courage does God give you courage or give you the chance to have courage.

When you ask for anything does he give it to you, or does he give you the opportunity to have it, and obtain it?? It isn't always cut and dry, cause some things are not meant to be changed cause there is nothing wrong.

For example being born black, or into a very diverse family where your genetic make up is diverse and exotic.

Some other things that are not meant to be changed are people with certain "disabilities" that come around and change our lives. I know a few people who have gone as far as having no legs and arms, but go around the world teaching people to accept who they are and use that to make a difference. I know people born with diseases that attack their bones, and are stuck in wheelchairs, but have a thriving business and travels around the world and meets the most beautiful women.

Here is the video so you can see for yourself. It teaches us that there are more than one ways to see a story, because sometimes we get stuck in seeing it one way. Also the bible didn't say for the animals to be 2 by 2...the numbers are actually different. Won't get into that...I mean I just accepted that it was 2 by 2 my whole life...told you group ignorance is still ignorance.

J-Bo

105th Holy Convocation

So I am not COGIC, but kinda sorta have an attachment to them only through Van.

I have other friends in COGIC, but honestly Van is the one who drew me in, and at least put them on my radar...I am not a denomination man. I believe God is waiting for his people to be unified and together, and that requires one united church.

Not pentecostals, methodist, etc. Just people coming together to praise God not pumping up their denom...cause in the kingdom there will be no denominations...there will only be the unified church.

So I am sitting here watching the 105th Holy Convocation via live web-stream and it is very good. Well the singing is.

The choir is ok, and are adding to the atmosphere, but my man Micah Stampley is performing, and he is KILLING!!!! I really do love his voice and anointing...such a man of God.

So I am going to watch as much as possible, and watch the preaching.

I cannot help, but wonder if Van is at this event too, and where he is exactly.

I cannot get over the music...some of it is not my taste, but then they have some that is OFF THE CHAIN!!!!

I know Tamela Mann performed last night among others, and I really wanted to hear her. Oh well...I know it will be online probably now and I can pick and choose.

On that note lemme get back to listening, cause more music is coming on, and I wanna enjoy it.

For all of you who want to watch and get something then here you go. Just be careful on some of the preaching or what ppl say. Some have the truth and some don't.

http://cogicislive.com

J-Bo

God I need help!!!

Just wanted to let it be known that I love God with all my heart and all my soul.

As I sit here, I am just overwhelmed with emotion. I pray that God continues the work he is doing in my life.

It is a good feeling, but I feel like a piece of me is missing. I am asking all of you to have God fix that part of me...to fill that part of my spirit again with a love he blesses.

Everything is going well, and it looks like it is getting better, but I am looking for God to work in my life again, and bring a man into my life where we both fall head over heals for each other. Where we get lost in each other, and push each other.

Where we help each other grow and demand the best. Someone who challenges me, and forces me to grow. Someone who I can be an asset to. Someone that I can grow in all areas of my life with.

I want what I had with Van. It was so good, and so beautiful to love and be loved.

Something that very few people ever experience, and even less keep it. I ask that God give it to me again. I have so much love to give and experience...I want someone who at the very basic level is ok and happy with who they are, but want more.

I hope that you guys can pray this prayer with me...the truth is I don't want anyone else. Van and I worked well, but with the religious stuff it is a hurdle that I cannot do anything, but let God work.

I just got off with Dishone and he told me that he is done, cause him and Aaron are bumping heads, and this time the problem is with Aaron. That man is very stubborn, and so pig headed. I love him, but he needs to change, and as long as he feels he is perfect and nothing wrong with him he will be stuck.

Van and I didn't have that...we were always growing and changing, and doing and becoming more. I mean we had our fights, but we were learning each other so well.

I want that again...the only thing holding us back was that he refused to see and accept the truth about the bible and God. It seems it would take changing his entire COGIC faith for his to accept and open his heart to the truth.

What to do? What to do? What to do?

So God please send me someone to love, and someone who will love me back 110%. Honestly I ask that God send me the love I have had, but with growth and maturity, in knowing the true intentions of God.

Now to try and get some work done.

I wonder how Med School stuff is going with Van??

J-Bo

Eating disorders, relationship problems, and more

So I am trying to do my own work, and keep myself busy. When I am not busy I think of Van and wonder what he is doing, and how he is feeling.

Like right now I wonder if he is thinking about me, during those down times, when nothing is going on...or when things are going on.

Anyway I need to talk about this girl who said she has a eating disorder, and she needs help. She cried for help, so now I am just waiting to see if she will reach out to me and accept my help. I know I can make a change in her life, but I just have to let her walk through the door.

Now Aaron and Dishone are going at it again, but not really. Honestly Aaron is stressed out with financial issues, and feels Dishone isn't being as supportive as he should be.

Honestly Aaron is being stubborn and not communicating in a way that Dishone is understanding, and Aaron wants Dishone to make moves like he does. He is expecting to see things how he sees them, but he is feeling Dishone isn't giving it to him.

Honestly this is where Aaron is falling short.

That boy is so stubborn that he may do what Dishone is good at doing...sabotaging.

What to do??

J-Bo

P.S. I really wanna know how Van is doing at Holy Convocation. I bet his grandmother is watching him like a hawk!!! Keeping him from going around and doing stuff...not that he would. I know he just wants to be like everyone else...just being able to come and go, but he will never be free. But he seems to like being under their rule. I have to leave and go to this girl's bday party...all I wanna do is stay home and read a book...and a nice hot long bath. Smh...feeling old. :-)

Engaged!!!!!

So my cousin just told me that he got engaged to his boyfriend of 2 years.

I am so happy for him, and I swear I feel like singing and celebrating.

I just told him about Van and how I am happy that someone made it work despite the craziness out there...he said he didn't know I was into guys.

That is stupid cause I told him when he was last in the city...that just goes to show you how no one cares like that. Some maybe shocked, but it isn't all that big in the news area.

So that is what I wanted to say for right now...gotta go to school, and just get to some work, and see about some moves.

I need to make some moves people. Stay warm and safe, and those of you on the east coast be safe cause we are suppose to be in for another storm. Not as bad, but you never know.

Remember God is good, and nothing happens that is not in his will. Love first, and keep that in your mind and heart.

Make at least 2 other people happy today!!!!

J-Bo

OBAMA 2012!!!! 4 MORE YEARS!!!!!!!!!

So he won...and I can go to bed in peace.

Goodnight y;all.

Hope you guys are as happy as I am!!!!

J-Bo

Does the clock reset or does it just unpause??

I was talking to some friends of mine and we were talking about relationship and love, and partnerships.

It was an interesting conversation, and it was in that conversation that I learned something very interesting. When you break up with someone and get back together you don't restart as if nothing has happened...you guys just press play on the relationship.

I mean that means you can be with someone for 3 years not see them for 10 years, and then if you guys get back together it is like you guys pick up where you left off.

I know I shouldn't be surprised, but it is astonishing...very astonishing. I am so shocked by this...not sure why, but it is something I never thought about and now that it comes to my attention it does make sense.

I guess this works better if you were in a good relationship and split amicably.

That is what crossed my mind...now back to work.

Tomorrow is Holy Convocation for COGIC...I think I may watch some of the sermons and see what is going on. Not sure why, but it could be interesting.

J-Bo

Does Mediation Have a Place In A Christian Home??

Before I begin I want to say that I am so proud that today my nephew and youngest brother voted for the first time today. I am very proud of them...it's the little things that mean the most. :-)

I do believe that mediation should be part of any and all those who call themselves Christians. Below you will find some verses in the bible that talks about meditation.

11 total.

I have all sorts of proof and data that shows that Christians used mediation on the regular in the past, but it of course fell out of practice as the years went on.

It didn't help that all the mediation has gotten a bad rap, and people forgot that it was a practice we all used to do and not just those of eastern based religions.

So now mediation has this bad rap for being satanic, and evil, when it really isn't. I mean it is as clear as day, but then again from my dealings with Van it is easy to see that all because something is in the bible, it means very little.

No matter the proof and evidence and benefits ppl are going to be stuck because they are. That is what happens when followers are asked questions.

Meditation is not really focusing on things, and it is not prayer even though these do play a part. Some people think meditation is also contemplation and concentration, which it is not. Mediation is actually the process of quieting your mind and allowing yourself to get to a place of total quiet or pure consciousness.

In old Christian traditions this is the process of quieting everything else out so that we can get to that place of God speaking not into our minds, but into our hearts and spirits. It seems a bit wacky but it isn't. :-)

So many people are used to trying to hear God as a thought or a voice without realizing that it is usually our own thoughts and fears and desires speaking to us. Not to say that when we hear a voice it isn't God, but just that we have to pay attention, and figure out what is going.

I mean for example I asked God about these talks, and I heard it clear as day to do it, but it wasn't until I was in that quiet place that I realized that I have to take my time, and prepare myself cause this is going to be one hell of a fight. So I am on the right path, but I just have to have patience and not rush into things.

For example if I ask God a question on whether to go left or right, my brain is processing all sorts of information to make that answer for me. This is where science and spirituality meet and can make us better people and better Christians.

Anyway back on topic.

So I have started a daily meditation practice on God and who he is and just getting to that quiet still place. Of course that in conjunction with my daily prayer habit, and I feel so centered and at peace.

Scientific studies show that when you go into that space, and I guess the best way to describe it is the space between your thoughts, many wonderful things happen to you. Blood pressure goes down; heart rate goes down; immune system gets stumulated; hormones such as growth and also sex hormones increase; vision and hearing gets better; and in long term studies even wrinkles have been shown to go away.

So this is not a fad, but something that has been a tradition for most of us over the years, but it is a lost art.

I am happy to say that it is making a comeback. Of course most people don't know what it is and have all these negative associations about it...sad cause they are missing out on something God obviously wants us to do.

So you don't have to meditate if you don't want to, but I believe you are missing out on some great things if you don't. Just like praying is super beneficial.

For you science heads out there rest assured that mediation has been studied by medical and scientific professionals for over 30 years. The results have been documented, and if anyone wants to dig deeper and find them than you can. But believe me you will be astonished at what you find, and hopefully it will widen and shift your paradigms.

Just to give you guys a taste meditation is when 

There are a number of bible verses that speak on meditation or the need to meditate. Here are some of the ones that I could find...these are all NKJV verses:

1. Joshua 1:8 This Book of the Law shall not depart from your mouth, but you shall meditate in it day and night, that you may observe to do according to all that is written in it. For then you will make your way prosperous, and then you will have good success. 
2.  Psalms 19:14 Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart, Be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my strength and my Redeemer.
3. Pslams 1:2 But his delight is in the law of the Lord, And in His law he meditates day and night.
4.  Psalm 119:15 I will meditate on Your precepts, And contemplate Your ways.
5. Phillipians 4:8 Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things. 
6. Psalm 104:34 May my meditation be sweet to Him; I will be glad in the Lord. 
7. Psalm 119:97 Oh, how I love Your law! It is my meditation all the day. 
8. Psalm 49:3 My mouth shall speak wisdom, And the meditation of my heart shall give understanding. 
9. Proverbs 4:20-22 My son, give attention to my words; Incline your ear to my sayings. Do not let them depart from your eyes; Keep them in the midst of your heart; For they are life to those who find them, And health to all their flesh. 
10. Matthew 6:6 But you, when you pray, go into your room, and when you have shut your door, pray to your Father who is in the secret place; and your Father who sees in secret will reward you openly. 
11. Isaiah 26:3 You will keep him in perfect peace, Whose mind is stayed on You, Because he trusts in You.

These are a few of the many that I have found. I think there are over 40 in total, and you guys can go and find them...it is not that hard. :-)

J-Bo

GO VOTE!!!!!

Please go out and vote...I did and I am counting on Obama 2012 to pull through again.

Whoever it is that you want to win please go and make your voice heard.

If you don't then you cannot complain about anything, cause you forfeit that right. Let's make history and bring back the sunshine.

J-Bo

Horny; My Friend; Pimples...and did I say HORNY!!!!!

So I wake up with a raging hard on, and no one to take care of it. :-(

I swear I was sweating like a pig, but part of that is that my room has no circulation, and the heat was on blast last night.

I am so horny that I had a hot ass sex dream, and someone that resembles Van was in it. I am not sure if it was really him, but he felt like he did. Smh...that boy is all in and through me.

So anyway as you all know Van had another fucking episode and did what he does best. I am not even mad or sad anymore...to tell the truth I am more annoyed and shocked.

WTF?!?!

So here I am horny for this bitch ass man, and he is running around thinking it is wrong to be gay. I mean no self respecting man who has common sense would look at the facts and see that...which tells me he isn't.

So sad.

More than that, he is my friend. One of my very best friends, and even though he hates to admit it I am his best friend. I am closer to him than anyone else in his life. So I know he must feel really this is necessary, but he is wrong.

We are coming into a new enlightenment stage in our lives. We are coming to a new place where we are all growing, sharing, and contributing more.

I seem radical and progressive now, but soon I will be considered old fashioned, but no one will take me as progressive anymore. I mean soon what I know and have been preaching others will too, and we will see a surge and power in the church like never before. :-)

But nothing I can do about that...I have to do great things cause I won't settle for less.

Today is a new day...I am up now so I might as well head out to go vote, and then make a difference in other ways.

Gotta love my friends, cause they all see Van as making a huge mistake. I will say that when this all comes out I will be the first to tell his dumb ass I told you so, and slap him. :-)

Now to do something while I wait for the car.

Oh yea I have found 4 new pimples on my body. I got that from Van. Gotta go sweat them out and eat better. This is not cool...

Why did it have to be acne??

J-Bo

P.S. It must be love cause even with him being as narrow minded and limited as he is, and also having an STI I still want him. God what is going on?? Oh well...God work on his heart, but send me someone who appreciates the blessings you bestow and someone man enough to stand up and fight. Now I am speaking out of anger, cause that is him...he has shown those qualities...he just isn't used to it all the time.

FEELING GOOD!!!!!!!!! Health and Wellness!!!!!!

Just called my doctor's PA and she said I am STI free, and everything on my blood work is awesome.

I was worried because Van said he has an STI and of course I took blame and responsibility for it.

Then I just called again to make sure, and I asked my actual primary care physician and he said I was negative for everything and that I am in great health.

He did say that because of my weight I am at risk for somethings, but besides that I am perfectly good. Also my sugar is a little high and not nowhere near diabetes, but he said I need to keep an eye out and start working on being proactive.

So my number one goal is to lose the weight, and take care of the outside as much as I do the inside. Gotta be the best man for me, the world, my future husband, and of course gotta respect the temple that God resides in.

So when I go in for my check up in December I am going to get it checked again, and after that I will go back to my 6-month check ups. So every January/December and every June/July.

MY GOD IS A GOOD GOD!!!!!!

Feel like going for a run right now actually...

Van was told by a friend since he cut all ties of communication with me, but that is all well. He at least knows and is going to figure out what happened. I believe he didn't cheat on me...I still trust him with my life. But he has to figure out what happened.


Now off to have some fun, and get ready to vote and make my voice heard tomorrow.

J-Bo

Hurrican Sandy, Health Concerns, and Lost Friendships

So this past week has been very interesting...and not all of it has been good, but I know that is part of life.

First the east coast got hit hard by Sandi, and so many people got affected, but thank God that we were safe. As far as I know all of my family is safe and ok, just some better off than others, but nothing to even concern ourselves about.

The health concerns are nothing that big, and they are yet to be discovered. Just gotta take better care of myself which I am doing...just have to be more active in it, but things are looking up. Just waiting for my blood results to come in, and then I can see where I am starting from.

Also Van went to a church service, avoided my phone calls, and then hit me up on FB telling me that we can't even be friends!!! Smh...

To be honest I don't know how to feel...I mean he does this all the time. But it still hurt...and it hurt a lot.

But I am in a better place than I was. I mean I was so heartbroken that I went from feeling really healthy and strong to waking up with a really bad and horrible head cold. I mean it was bad enough to knock me on my ass.

Church was good, and a lift to my spirits.

I just don't get it how we aren't doing anything, and not even planning on doing anything. I mean I was happy with being friends...not really, but I was going to accept it. I was even going to start dating again so that it would be more easy to see that we are just friends.

With everything that happened this week this is the biggest thing. But it is what it is I guess.

He also went ahead and unfriended me on FB, so that was like wow. I thought he might do it, but never thought he would. So I blocked him...

I know it was like you do this so I do that, but still. I did it. I hate that I did it, cause it is against my character, and I know Jesus is not a man who acted like that. But I am tired of being the better man and holding myself to higher standards.

In any case he has totally cut me from his life, and though it hurts I understand. This has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him, and what is going on in his head and in his heart. I am in the clear so it makes no sense for me to hold onto guilt. I don't deserve it, and I am in the right.

I know what some might be thinking...I am not going to hide from him and I am not going to throw him away. If he needs me for anything or needs to get incontact with me, there are many ways he can do it. We have many mutual friends, more than I ever realized.

I know this isn't the way things should be, but it is out of my hands. If he wants to get incontact with me, then he can. I know his bday is coming up, so I already got some of my friends to tell him, and wish him the best.

Kinda feels good knowing that I did everything I could even to the point of settling to be just friends, but in the end not me. Always called him crazy. :-)

So now I am off to bed, cause tomorrow is a brand new day.

J-Bo

P.S. I am not officially a member of my church. Feels like I have always been a member cause I have always considered myself a member. But still I guess now it is what it is...feeling good.

BFA: VOICE STUDENTS FOR LIFE

So I ended up going to school to hear my voice friends sing.

IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!

I didn't think I was going to get jealous, but I did. I really wanted to get up there and do my thing. I love those guys so much...I really do.

It was a great day seeing all my friends. Makes me miss the Big 3.

It is time for me to go to bed.

Also Van and I hung out a bit today. He is doing what he does...it is what it is. Nothing bad and nothing good. But I am getting ready for a change. God is preparing me for something great.

J-Bo

Taking It Slow

So I talked to one of my friends yesterday, and he was very uneasy with what I was doing. He knows more than anyone that the church has a long history of violent and very damaging actions against those who don't toe the line.

I think he was worried that I was going to die, get beat up, or have something real bad happen to me if I didn't act smart.

Funny these are all the things that Van had said, but I guess coming from someone who isn't always acting out of fear made me take light of the information. I guess I should trust his instincts more...I mean the pessimistic approach does have a place in the world.

So I am still being asked to help and show the information, but I think I am going to have a go between. And that makes more sense until I get more things situated for myself. There are men and women already fighting the fight.

Maybe instead of being in the forefront, I can be in the back. I know of people out there fighting and spreading the news, and that there are people who want to hear this information. So instead of me doing it I can do what I originally wanted to do...supply and support the ones doing all the great things.

To be honest there are so many ppl making strides, that it is easier to help them, and those who really need me I can do those.

I feel good about this approach. When someone comes to me I will talk, but for bigger things and a wider audience I will be a silent partner, and provide material and keep doing research.

Pray for me ppl...I am still going to be talking to ppl, but more intimately. Maybe I will create a product about this, so the many people can find it, and get healed and blessed by it. Gotta pray on it, and talk it over and see.

J-Bo

Very interesting day...

So today started out with me getting to work, and getting things in place for tonight. I was going to speak to some leaders in the Catholic Church, Baptist, Methodist, UPCI, SDA, COGIC, and Protestant churches.

I must admit that it was very nerve racking. I only went to listen, and hear what some of these leaders were discussing and talking about. I really didn't think to consider, them giving me the chance to go ahead and speak.

So I talked for a while and told them where I was coming from. Let me tell you they were so nice to me. They listened to me, and just took everything in. Of course I know some were uneasy, and they waited for a chance for them to speak...how do I know this?? Because when I was done they came at me.

But I kept my cool, and did what I had to do. I stayed strong, positive, and prayed up and I let God speak through me.

Funny enough some of them asked me why did I feel the need to question the churches teachings on this topic? Why do I feel the need to speak to these things? I told them that I had to tell the truth, that by keeping quiet I was risking lives and my own conscience.

They said that I should be led by the Holy Ghost and I shouldn't be doing these things on my own. I said do you think I want to do this?? Do you think I want to be out there, that I want to be seen as progressive, radical, and liberal?!?!?! Contrary to popular belief I want to be one of the people...I don't want to be seen as out there and crazy.

I told them it was the Holy Ghost that told me to dig deeper. It was the Holy Ghost that made me question and look for answers.  They couldn't argue with me, but I could tell they didn't like it.

I told them that I can name 3 people in each denomination that are leaders that don't believe that the God doesn't condone homosexuals.

I named many Priest, Bishops, and other leaders. I got some serious flack from one man who is COGIC, and I had to shut his ass down. I said that the man they appointed...the man whom God has entrusted to lead that church believes in human rights and equality for all. And that he removed a lot of anti-gay rhetoric from the website.

He didn't even know what I was talking about!!!! I just shook my head, cause the man is speaking outta ignorance. Like Van would say he is spreading ignorance.

So I had a good talk, and when I was finished I had to ask them a question. I said for all of them who don't agree with me, despite all my facts I asked them why. I said what about what I said doesn't make sense.

Funny enough I got no answers...they were quiet. So finally after 2 minutes of dead silence, one person said it is the way it has always been. I of course was ready for that. It was nonsense. I cannot believe this is what we have been reduced to.

So of course I left them with Jesus' words and teachings. I left them again with the positive homosexual or as they would be known back then as loving relationships. I spoke about the centurion and his partner, Ruth and Naomi, David and Jonathan, and also Jesus talking about the gays of his time.

Nevertheless all that was great, but the big part of my day that means the most to me was me doing the laundry and my parents surprising me to see how it is that I was the clothes. Smh...it was a hot mess, but it was funny. They said they just wanna do an inspection, and make sure I am still doing a good job.

So of course I had a ball making them do the laundry for me since they were there. I figure why the hell not...you guys are here so you might as well get to work. :-)

With everything I did today it wasn't the big thing of talking to these leaders, and getting the ball going, but it was spending those few minutes with my parents. It was real nice. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. I want to tell Van about my day, but I don't think he would like it too much. So I will give him what he wants to hear...about the laundry and good times we all had. If he ask which I doubt he will I will tell him more. God is so good...I am alive right now.

P.P.S. Another thing that was weird to me was when I asked again why do they feel I am wrong if they do believe that only 3 of the 15 answered, and they said because it is. They said all the things in the bible that have been explained and not followed are ok because they don't fit our lives today. So I brought that back to them, and they said there is no reason to apply it to this. I was shocked, and I brought up a number of things that could apply to today with no problem...they just shook their heads. I swear I am not going to quit. I can and will help all those like me, Van, the boys, and others. You can tell how something is by it's fruit, and I am sorry to say that the fruit of the traditional teachings have bore nothing but suicide, drugs, killings, being kicked out, excommunicated, and more. I am sorry, but that is against Jesus...against God. I will not be denied. :-D

P.P.P.S. Tomorrow I spend all day at school until I tutor my kids, and then the next day my BFAs are singing some Folk music, and I have to be a part of it. I have to show my support. I wish you guys could come, but I guess not. I wonder if Van is going to come. I do want to see him tomorrow and just laugh and chill with him, but we will see. Also if he is feeling funny and weird for no reason I will tell him I am going to the BFA Folk Song Recital so he can not go if he is going to do what he needs to do. But then again he probably doesn't even know...and he has always tried to act like the BFAs don't mean a lot to him and they are just w/e. That man makes me so damn angry sometimes. :-)

P.P.P.P.S. I think he really sees me as too progressive and too radical and too liberal. I don't really care because of what people like me are doing there will be the next generation and future ones that can walk hand and hand together with more freedoms and rights. The times are changing and God is revealing more to us...I can't be bothered if people are concerned that the boat is being rocked. But I will not tell him anymore of my talks and excursions. He really doesn't want to know about them. I don't think he wants to see me succeed in this area...I think he kinda wants me to fail. I know that is bad, but it does line up. Oh well...I have had haters and detractors before. I keep on keeping on. So from this day forward if he doesn't ask I won't tell...and he won't ask. I'll answer his questions to the degree of that he asks me. He is good for vague non direct questions, so I will give him those answers. I'll go back to answering people literally and only giving more when asked.