I had a convo with a girl from my school earlier on. She is this little soprano who is very talented, but has the habit of being too much sometimes. I love her to death, and she is like a bratty little sister to me.
She calls me, and ask for my advice, and takes it. I see her just coming into her own. It is so good...so awesome to see the changes being affected. I see the same thing happening with Dishone. Aaron and Steve are a little more work, but they are at least taking it in.
The ones that are doing great and making moves make me feel so good. The ones that are stuck in their ruts are sad, but that is life.
Van is right. Some people are going to go nowhere and that is their choice. Some will see their way, but they will be paralyzed by fear and be stuck. The only thing I can do is live and move forward and make my dreams a reality, and wait for them to have enough and get their acts together.
I saw this post of facebook and it is from one of my professors, and a mentor to me even now:
"The first time I met you I
saw GOD. your humbleness your grace, your love for others, your
selflessness, your courage and your talent. I remember your hard work
you will work just to take a class to get better. I can't anymore
because i am going to cry but JASON I love you and thank you for you."
-Arthur Sabb
Guys I have to realize that I have a lot, and that I am so blessed.
I know people want an update on my personal relationship status and you will be getting that soon.
J-Bo
Monday, April 30, 2012
Some great advice...
This is going to be short, because I have work to do, and I have to get ready for tomorrow.
I talked to Van today. Nothing serious I just needed some advice. He was real blunt and in your face about it, but that doesn't diminish the fact that he does give good advice. I mean the man is stuck in life, but he sure does give some straight to the point advice.
It was greatly appreciated.
I have to realize the the only people who make a change in their life is those that make it a real decision. Van said that unless that person hits rock bottom, or comes looking for advice than the only thing I can do is be there for them, and just let them live their lives.
It is hard advice for me to take, but I have to take it. There are 3 people in my life that seem to be stuck in a rut, and the only thing that I can do is be there. Oh well, that leaves more time for me to live an extraordinary life.
I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!!
I am mastering the Science of Achievement and the Art of Fulfillment. God is blessing me big time. I sad thing is that almost anyone can have it, but so few do. I remember my mentor said to get what you want takes you dong something you are scared of doing. To be drastic...so few make it because everyone wants to be in their comfort zone.
I thank God, for making me uncomfortable in my comfort zone so I always push forward.
J-Bo
I talked to Van today. Nothing serious I just needed some advice. He was real blunt and in your face about it, but that doesn't diminish the fact that he does give good advice. I mean the man is stuck in life, but he sure does give some straight to the point advice.
It was greatly appreciated.
I have to realize the the only people who make a change in their life is those that make it a real decision. Van said that unless that person hits rock bottom, or comes looking for advice than the only thing I can do is be there for them, and just let them live their lives.
It is hard advice for me to take, but I have to take it. There are 3 people in my life that seem to be stuck in a rut, and the only thing that I can do is be there. Oh well, that leaves more time for me to live an extraordinary life.
I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN!!!!
I am mastering the Science of Achievement and the Art of Fulfillment. God is blessing me big time. I sad thing is that almost anyone can have it, but so few do. I remember my mentor said to get what you want takes you dong something you are scared of doing. To be drastic...so few make it because everyone wants to be in their comfort zone.
I thank God, for making me uncomfortable in my comfort zone so I always push forward.
J-Bo
I miss Dan and I miss Sean.
I love my boy Dan, and I miss him like you wouldn't believe. I also learned a lot about his love for God, and how he was raised and what he believes to be right and to be wrong. For example the big thing that he was raised to believe is that all healing comes from God. That modern medicine and all the likes are not to be used.
He did say that some did use medicine, and a doctor and such and they were seen as having less faith, and were looked down upon. I always respected him because he came with me to doctor's appointments, and to health expos. He never had much of an open mind, but over time that changed, and he became a man that saw God in everything.
That still didn't help him get over his fears. He felt that if he was to go to a doctor and use modern medicine that meant he was going to go to hell. It was and still is one of those things that scares and baffles me.
I wish there was something more I could do for him while he was still here. The reason I am writing this post is that last night I went to his cousins house...his cousin is a doctor, and of course the outcast of the family. I sat with him while he cried. He was so worried that he was going to hell. I couldn't believe it. He was doing great work helping, and healing people. Being there and giving people a way of moving forward and on.
He is great at both alternative and traditional medical practices. He focuses on being more preventative and proactive, so people won't be in the place to need a doctor. He showed me testimonials of people who were and are grateful for all his work. How can someone that is helping so many people feel that he is going to go to hell for it. He says it is something he fights with, but it gets better. He says when it comes on it comes on strong, but the death of his cousin really hit him hard.
I also found out that Dan's family is saying that he didn't pray enough, and he was displeasing to God so he died before his time. They said that this is his families generational curse, and that the only way to get past it is to pray and fast. That it hasn't been broken yet, because God is doing something.
What do you say to something like that? How do you fight a principality? I wish there was more I can do, and I will continue to be there for him, but I am lost.
It's the same thing that happened with Sean, and him being raised an extreme racist and bigot. What is going on with the Body of Christ. The sad thing is that there are so many denominations, and everyone feels they have the right way. I just ask that Jesus continue to love me, and be part of my life.
All this helps me to understand, but also baffles me. I am sure I have what Van calls my autistic face. I am just baffled. I need more help in understanding this. If I am really meant to be a intercessor, and a preacher then I have to do the work and get it done. I have to be honest and upfront and say I am scared out my ass...how do I know which way to go?
Sometimes I pity those who have their lives outlined for them...sometimes. It would be easier if I didn't know anything except one thing, and that was all that mattered.
Can ignorance be bliss?
Back to rehearsing...
J-Bo
He did say that some did use medicine, and a doctor and such and they were seen as having less faith, and were looked down upon. I always respected him because he came with me to doctor's appointments, and to health expos. He never had much of an open mind, but over time that changed, and he became a man that saw God in everything.
That still didn't help him get over his fears. He felt that if he was to go to a doctor and use modern medicine that meant he was going to go to hell. It was and still is one of those things that scares and baffles me.
I wish there was something more I could do for him while he was still here. The reason I am writing this post is that last night I went to his cousins house...his cousin is a doctor, and of course the outcast of the family. I sat with him while he cried. He was so worried that he was going to hell. I couldn't believe it. He was doing great work helping, and healing people. Being there and giving people a way of moving forward and on.
He is great at both alternative and traditional medical practices. He focuses on being more preventative and proactive, so people won't be in the place to need a doctor. He showed me testimonials of people who were and are grateful for all his work. How can someone that is helping so many people feel that he is going to go to hell for it. He says it is something he fights with, but it gets better. He says when it comes on it comes on strong, but the death of his cousin really hit him hard.
I also found out that Dan's family is saying that he didn't pray enough, and he was displeasing to God so he died before his time. They said that this is his families generational curse, and that the only way to get past it is to pray and fast. That it hasn't been broken yet, because God is doing something.
What do you say to something like that? How do you fight a principality? I wish there was more I can do, and I will continue to be there for him, but I am lost.
It's the same thing that happened with Sean, and him being raised an extreme racist and bigot. What is going on with the Body of Christ. The sad thing is that there are so many denominations, and everyone feels they have the right way. I just ask that Jesus continue to love me, and be part of my life.
All this helps me to understand, but also baffles me. I am sure I have what Van calls my autistic face. I am just baffled. I need more help in understanding this. If I am really meant to be a intercessor, and a preacher then I have to do the work and get it done. I have to be honest and upfront and say I am scared out my ass...how do I know which way to go?
Sometimes I pity those who have their lives outlined for them...sometimes. It would be easier if I didn't know anything except one thing, and that was all that mattered.
Can ignorance be bliss?
Back to rehearsing...
J-Bo
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Disappointed...
My nest friend is getting married, and I still need to come up with the money for his wedding. I am in the wedding party.
The problem I have is that one of my other best friends who is suppose to be in the wedding is a no show. He is always known to be a ghost and really selfish. We are looking for him, and trying to look out for him, but he is just gone.
I tried to call him, and had to call his sister. I got incontact with him and he said he changed his number. I asked him to send me his cell number, and I still didn't get it. I am so mad at him. My friend who is having the wedding called me asking my advice on what to do about the situation. We just had a 1hr conversation, about him. It is just hard, because it is like he doesn't care.
I don't know what to do. He stays around people that don't want to do nothing but drink, smoke, have sex, and lay around. It is crazy. He is in a loop. He takes one step forward, and two steps back. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DAMN CRAZY?!?!?!?!?!?
J-Bo
P.S. I need to find him. I need to find my friend. I feel like he is drowning. What the hell am going to do?!?!?!?!
P.P.S. I need to talk this out something serious...I need another point of view to see if I am missing something important.
The problem I have is that one of my other best friends who is suppose to be in the wedding is a no show. He is always known to be a ghost and really selfish. We are looking for him, and trying to look out for him, but he is just gone.
I tried to call him, and had to call his sister. I got incontact with him and he said he changed his number. I asked him to send me his cell number, and I still didn't get it. I am so mad at him. My friend who is having the wedding called me asking my advice on what to do about the situation. We just had a 1hr conversation, about him. It is just hard, because it is like he doesn't care.
I don't know what to do. He stays around people that don't want to do nothing but drink, smoke, have sex, and lay around. It is crazy. He is in a loop. He takes one step forward, and two steps back. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO DAMN CRAZY?!?!?!?!?!?
J-Bo
P.S. I need to find him. I need to find my friend. I feel like he is drowning. What the hell am going to do?!?!?!?!
P.P.S. I need to talk this out something serious...I need another point of view to see if I am missing something important.
Personal time with MY GOD!!!
Today was interesting. Of course I woke up and was on my natural high. I missed church, but that is nothing to big and off the wall. I need me a resolution. I woke up with so much worry on my mind. Pretty soon I will have my degree, and start the next chapter of my life. I have plans and goals for what I want to do, but I am still worried and scared out of my mind.
I just need some clarity. It's weird really. Van thinks I have everything figured out, and I am not scared or worried. That is so not the case. I feel it everyday. I need to break through this fear. God told me something awhile ago.
"The direction you are most scared to head to, the path that scares you the most is usually the path you should take. that is where growth happens, that is where change occurs, and that is where your blessings happen. You cannot grow if you are safe and secure. You cannot progress if you stay comfortable."
I try to remember this, because it is easy to be lulled into a sense of staying where you are and being comfortable. It is easy to think that the thing to do is stay where you feel safe, happy, and at peace. It keeps you where you are, because it is safe to you. Everyone that lives an extraordinary life did so by stretching, changing, and growing.
I went to school to sing, and everything happened all right. It was an ok rehearsal, and I am sure that everything is going to go well, but I am just mad and sick and tired that I am not the BEST!!!!!
I was in the middle of doing some work when I just had to ask God to help me. I had to ask him to everyday give me a renewal of his holy spirit, and to give me strength. He said how can you get that, without giving me time...without giving me your all. So I did. I broke down...I haven't spoken in tounges like that in a long time. I haven't felt a renewal like that in a long time.
I feel a new understanding. I don't need a special place to feel God...I can feel him all the time. Whenever, and wherever I am...all it takes is me to spend time with him. Van used to say that he doesn't feel God like he used to, and that it bothers him. I feel the same way sometimes, and I couldn't figure out why that was until recently. I haven't felt God because I don't give him time...and I don't give him 110%.
Today I gave 110% while I was at school and I felt him all over me. I came to him like I used to, and I spoke to Jesus as a man asking him for guidance. I have a lot of dreams and goals, and will be going outside of my comfort zone...I am going to be needing Jesus more and more.
It's weird because I kinda wanna see Van, and pray with him. I want to share this feeling with him. Not as boyfriends (which we are not remind you), friends (which we are the closest), and just two people looking for our place in this world, and asking that Jesus be with us all ways.
As I write this I am in tears...I feel so blessed and so relieved. I feel like God is smiling on me. I have to get back in the habit of praying every morning and night. Of having that time where it is my time and no one else. Van told me that God has been waking him up to pray, but he has been eating...LOL I know. I think God is trying to get this man to do what he got last night, go to him for himself and pray and feel God.
I am so grateful right now I don't know what to do. I know some of you are wondering what do I feel for him. I will always be in love with him, but more than that I am realizing that the more I fall in love with Jesus the more love I have to give to him and everyone. It is a really cool thing to have happen.
I just want to send this out to all of you out there that read this. God loves you...he adores you. You are the apple of his eye...his children. I just pray that you all feel his love, and now that when man has failed you Jesus is always there. He will put people in your life that will be your support here on Earth. I have that...I have the big 3, Van, the BFAs, and more. I have an awesome 1st family that loves me, and I choose a great 2nd family that loves and supports me for being me. I feel so blessed.
I know some of you feel bad about yourself, some of you are scared, and some of you are dying for something great to happen. I want you to know that God has given you the power to make it happen. the only thing standing in your way is you. Men and women of God, and all religions and backgrounds I LOVE YOU...I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE. I hope my sincerity comes through, because it is honest.
Contrary to popular belief I know a God that loves you despite of your background, race, color, creed, sexual orientation, and economics. For everyone that feels like an outcast, and feels like they have no hope but to conform and try to fit in...JESUS DID NOT FIT IN!!! He was and still is a man that stands out from the crowd. He came not for religion, but for relationship. remember that.
Back to work... :-)
J-Bo
P.S. Do you think if I was to ask him to pray with me, he'd laugh in my face. He doesn't know that when Dishone had his crazy moment I prayed with him. he doesn't know that I pray with a lot of people when I help them, but I just leave it out of the story because I don't want to be seen as something special because of that. I just want to be seen as a great man that touched alot of people, and left a legacy long after he went home to Jesus.
P.P.S. A friend of mine Nia said it sounded like I was preaching to her yesterday. I told her Van said I would preach, but I said people don't want to hear what I have to say...too honest and too radical. She said that we need more people willing to speak and just let it out. The Body of Christ needs healing!!! Of course I didn't tell Van this because he would jump onto it.
I just need some clarity. It's weird really. Van thinks I have everything figured out, and I am not scared or worried. That is so not the case. I feel it everyday. I need to break through this fear. God told me something awhile ago.
"The direction you are most scared to head to, the path that scares you the most is usually the path you should take. that is where growth happens, that is where change occurs, and that is where your blessings happen. You cannot grow if you are safe and secure. You cannot progress if you stay comfortable."
I try to remember this, because it is easy to be lulled into a sense of staying where you are and being comfortable. It is easy to think that the thing to do is stay where you feel safe, happy, and at peace. It keeps you where you are, because it is safe to you. Everyone that lives an extraordinary life did so by stretching, changing, and growing.
I went to school to sing, and everything happened all right. It was an ok rehearsal, and I am sure that everything is going to go well, but I am just mad and sick and tired that I am not the BEST!!!!!
I was in the middle of doing some work when I just had to ask God to help me. I had to ask him to everyday give me a renewal of his holy spirit, and to give me strength. He said how can you get that, without giving me time...without giving me your all. So I did. I broke down...I haven't spoken in tounges like that in a long time. I haven't felt a renewal like that in a long time.
I feel a new understanding. I don't need a special place to feel God...I can feel him all the time. Whenever, and wherever I am...all it takes is me to spend time with him. Van used to say that he doesn't feel God like he used to, and that it bothers him. I feel the same way sometimes, and I couldn't figure out why that was until recently. I haven't felt God because I don't give him time...and I don't give him 110%.
Today I gave 110% while I was at school and I felt him all over me. I came to him like I used to, and I spoke to Jesus as a man asking him for guidance. I have a lot of dreams and goals, and will be going outside of my comfort zone...I am going to be needing Jesus more and more.
It's weird because I kinda wanna see Van, and pray with him. I want to share this feeling with him. Not as boyfriends (which we are not remind you), friends (which we are the closest), and just two people looking for our place in this world, and asking that Jesus be with us all ways.
As I write this I am in tears...I feel so blessed and so relieved. I feel like God is smiling on me. I have to get back in the habit of praying every morning and night. Of having that time where it is my time and no one else. Van told me that God has been waking him up to pray, but he has been eating...LOL I know. I think God is trying to get this man to do what he got last night, go to him for himself and pray and feel God.
I am so grateful right now I don't know what to do. I know some of you are wondering what do I feel for him. I will always be in love with him, but more than that I am realizing that the more I fall in love with Jesus the more love I have to give to him and everyone. It is a really cool thing to have happen.
I just want to send this out to all of you out there that read this. God loves you...he adores you. You are the apple of his eye...his children. I just pray that you all feel his love, and now that when man has failed you Jesus is always there. He will put people in your life that will be your support here on Earth. I have that...I have the big 3, Van, the BFAs, and more. I have an awesome 1st family that loves me, and I choose a great 2nd family that loves and supports me for being me. I feel so blessed.
I know some of you feel bad about yourself, some of you are scared, and some of you are dying for something great to happen. I want you to know that God has given you the power to make it happen. the only thing standing in your way is you. Men and women of God, and all religions and backgrounds I LOVE YOU...I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE. I hope my sincerity comes through, because it is honest.
Contrary to popular belief I know a God that loves you despite of your background, race, color, creed, sexual orientation, and economics. For everyone that feels like an outcast, and feels like they have no hope but to conform and try to fit in...JESUS DID NOT FIT IN!!! He was and still is a man that stands out from the crowd. He came not for religion, but for relationship. remember that.
Back to work... :-)
J-Bo
P.S. Do you think if I was to ask him to pray with me, he'd laugh in my face. He doesn't know that when Dishone had his crazy moment I prayed with him. he doesn't know that I pray with a lot of people when I help them, but I just leave it out of the story because I don't want to be seen as something special because of that. I just want to be seen as a great man that touched alot of people, and left a legacy long after he went home to Jesus.
P.P.S. A friend of mine Nia said it sounded like I was preaching to her yesterday. I told her Van said I would preach, but I said people don't want to hear what I have to say...too honest and too radical. She said that we need more people willing to speak and just let it out. The Body of Christ needs healing!!! Of course I didn't tell Van this because he would jump onto it.
Saturday, April 28, 2012
My night with some of my boys....
So I am chilling with my friends Aaron and Steve, and they are telling me about some crazy night they had on Friday. As you know my Friday was spent in school, at a recital, and then the hospital. They had a night of passion and fun with these two girls.
Steve was messing with some fly by night girl. She was not someone that will be around after a while. Aaron on the other hand used to date my boy Dishone, and he is now with a woman. They seem to be going strong. The only thing that she is doing that Dishone wasn't is staying in the game and working. It's the same thing that Van isn't doing.
Aaron is very happy with this girl. I haven't told him I have doubts about the future. He is happy and everyone should be happy. So I keep my mouth shut and let the man have his fun. I know Dishone would not be happy that Aaron is kinda flourishing in his relationship, and the only problem is that he pushed him away for the last time, and this man has a woman that is giving him the only thing he wanted from Dishone...STABILITY!!!
Aaron says the things that she is doing that he loves is communicating with him. Telling her when she is happy, mad, scared, wants and needs something of him. She is an open book, and if something is going on she tells him immediately. She encourages him...tells him to pray and prays with him sometimes.
She goes out to parties and stuff, and Aaron doesn't like it, but they understand that they have similar and dissimilar interest. They agree to disagree and come together. He likes the fact that she also helps him with his money situation in terms of planning. Basically he likes her because she gives and she takes, and she makes it clear that she will continue to give and give. He loves the communication and the fact that she is in it to win it.
J-Bo
P.S. I feel bad for Dishone because he is alone and the man he wants is with some woman. I still don't think that it will last for long, but the point is that Dishone needs to make sure that he has mad considerable advances in his life. Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Financial, and Physical advancement. What to do, but be happy for one and support the next.
P.P.S. Steve is acting up...I gotta kick his ass. LOL...
P.P.P.S Aaron is really ready to settle down and be with the person he is meant to be with for the rest of his life. Dishone pushed him away thinking he was doing the right thing. Foresight is a bitch...he gotta hope that Aaron comes back to him. Steve is still scarred by his babymama. He needs some healing and a resolution.
Steve was messing with some fly by night girl. She was not someone that will be around after a while. Aaron on the other hand used to date my boy Dishone, and he is now with a woman. They seem to be going strong. The only thing that she is doing that Dishone wasn't is staying in the game and working. It's the same thing that Van isn't doing.
Aaron is very happy with this girl. I haven't told him I have doubts about the future. He is happy and everyone should be happy. So I keep my mouth shut and let the man have his fun. I know Dishone would not be happy that Aaron is kinda flourishing in his relationship, and the only problem is that he pushed him away for the last time, and this man has a woman that is giving him the only thing he wanted from Dishone...STABILITY!!!
Aaron says the things that she is doing that he loves is communicating with him. Telling her when she is happy, mad, scared, wants and needs something of him. She is an open book, and if something is going on she tells him immediately. She encourages him...tells him to pray and prays with him sometimes.
She goes out to parties and stuff, and Aaron doesn't like it, but they understand that they have similar and dissimilar interest. They agree to disagree and come together. He likes the fact that she also helps him with his money situation in terms of planning. Basically he likes her because she gives and she takes, and she makes it clear that she will continue to give and give. He loves the communication and the fact that she is in it to win it.
J-Bo
P.S. I feel bad for Dishone because he is alone and the man he wants is with some woman. I still don't think that it will last for long, but the point is that Dishone needs to make sure that he has mad considerable advances in his life. Mental, Emotional, Spiritual, Financial, and Physical advancement. What to do, but be happy for one and support the next.
P.P.S. Steve is acting up...I gotta kick his ass. LOL...
P.P.P.S Aaron is really ready to settle down and be with the person he is meant to be with for the rest of his life. Dishone pushed him away thinking he was doing the right thing. Foresight is a bitch...he gotta hope that Aaron comes back to him. Steve is still scarred by his babymama. He needs some healing and a resolution.
SINGING HARMONIES!!!!!!!!
Today was an interesting day.
I sang some songs with some of my friends for a class. It was awesome. I have a problem keeping my part, but that is only because I have no real experience doing it. It isn't one of my strong points, but I am working on it. It's important that I develop this skill. I have opportunities coming up, and I need this skill quick fast and a hurry.
For some reason I did good one time, and after that I was all over the damn place. My pitch was off, my parts were off. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING LOSER!!!!! I HATE NOT BEING THE BEST!!!!!!!!
I am going to have Van help me, but at this point I feel like giving up. I have to get this done, and because it isn't something that I have had to do, and now that I have to do it I am suffering. I can sing circles around all these damn people and I feel like I am some little kid.
WTF?!?!?!?!?!
J-Bo
I sang some songs with some of my friends for a class. It was awesome. I have a problem keeping my part, but that is only because I have no real experience doing it. It isn't one of my strong points, but I am working on it. It's important that I develop this skill. I have opportunities coming up, and I need this skill quick fast and a hurry.
For some reason I did good one time, and after that I was all over the damn place. My pitch was off, my parts were off. I FEEL LIKE A FUCKING LOSER!!!!! I HATE NOT BEING THE BEST!!!!!!!!
I am going to have Van help me, but at this point I feel like giving up. I have to get this done, and because it isn't something that I have had to do, and now that I have to do it I am suffering. I can sing circles around all these damn people and I feel like I am some little kid.
WTF?!?!?!?!?!
J-Bo
Real quick...
A lot of work to do. There is so much that I want and need to do that I am freaking out a little. Losing Ben is still fresh on my heart. I so need a vacation. Van told me he wanted to go Connecticut, Maine, or even Vermont. I wanted him to so bad...I just wanted to be on the open road. It was so random of him that I love it.
I just head an awesome quote:
"We all have fears. It's normal. The thing to do is to talk about it so it doesn't consume you, and to act in spite of fear."
I am scared out of my mind...PETRIFIED!!!! I have to act in spite of that and move forward. I cannot give up and I cannot fail. I know what I want, and I know what I desire. I just ask God to give me the strength. I just ask that God guide me, and lead me.
J-Bo
I just head an awesome quote:
"We all have fears. It's normal. The thing to do is to talk about it so it doesn't consume you, and to act in spite of fear."
I am scared out of my mind...PETRIFIED!!!! I have to act in spite of that and move forward. I cannot give up and I cannot fail. I know what I want, and I know what I desire. I just ask God to give me the strength. I just ask that God guide me, and lead me.
J-Bo
Friday, April 27, 2012
I almost forgot...
We are not together...though we are still tied to each other. He says he has work to do and he does. I got him to take a personality test and it shows him why he does what he does, but it also shows him something else he doesn't want to see.
It shows him that even though he has a high sense of being an individual and doing his own thing, he is tied to being letting others decide things for him. He lets them decide what he does and how he acts. We can all see that this is a conflict, because even though he wants to break free, he also wants to be enslaved. It's kinda sad, but not uncommon...I read it is called the prison effect.
He can get past it, but it is his choice. I am his closest and best friend, and he is one of mine...I see why God put us together, but OMG!!!!!! He can be so aggravating. From all the stuff that he said in the last post, you can see also the conflict in him. I am here for him, and I will keep making him face himself. I still think the best thing for him is to come out of the closet to his family and then just move on. He is already out...he's just scared that his family will find out. He'd be the type to have two facebooks...one for his family and the other for him to be him.
I remember when he showed me pics of some PK and his husband. He was like he just up and got married and is now doing him, still in church, and happy. I remember how sad he was, because he wants that to be him. Is it wrong that I wanna sneak into his house now that almost everyone is gone...
HELP!!!!! :-)
J-Bo
P.S. Those behavioral assessments are really on point. He of course was happy to agree with all the points that he found flattering, but not the others. I really hope he takes a look, and see what is going on in his head. He maybe surprised.
It shows him that even though he has a high sense of being an individual and doing his own thing, he is tied to being letting others decide things for him. He lets them decide what he does and how he acts. We can all see that this is a conflict, because even though he wants to break free, he also wants to be enslaved. It's kinda sad, but not uncommon...I read it is called the prison effect.
He can get past it, but it is his choice. I am his closest and best friend, and he is one of mine...I see why God put us together, but OMG!!!!!! He can be so aggravating. From all the stuff that he said in the last post, you can see also the conflict in him. I am here for him, and I will keep making him face himself. I still think the best thing for him is to come out of the closet to his family and then just move on. He is already out...he's just scared that his family will find out. He'd be the type to have two facebooks...one for his family and the other for him to be him.
I remember when he showed me pics of some PK and his husband. He was like he just up and got married and is now doing him, still in church, and happy. I remember how sad he was, because he wants that to be him. Is it wrong that I wanna sneak into his house now that almost everyone is gone...
HELP!!!!! :-)
J-Bo
P.S. Those behavioral assessments are really on point. He of course was happy to agree with all the points that he found flattering, but not the others. I really hope he takes a look, and see what is going on in his head. He maybe surprised.
HE NEEDS ME!!!
This is going to be quick. Van comes and picks me up. My friend died last night so he offered to drive me around and feed me. I took him up on the offer. We ate talked and had a good time. We parked by a park, and just talked and laughed. He looked at me and told me to kiss him. I resisted, but he pulled me to him, and then we started going at it.
It was awesome...no full on sex, but it was something. He said I am part of his destiny, and that he sees me as his husband. He said he has to get past his fears, because I am the rest of his life. It was really touching to hear him say that.
We went to school to get some work done. I started, but he fell asleep. Next thing I know he puts his head on my chest. I wake him up to get him to do his work. I tell him I am not going to ask him if he is ok...he is an adult and he has to seek help and advice.
He told me he is already starting to feel a lil bad. He said that I can send him all the information in the world, but he won't read it. Honestly this man needs his family to back him up. But his family won't...that is what he says. He has one of those holier than though families that believe their way is best, and if it isn't working then something is wrong with him.
THEY ARE A CRAZY ASS FAMILY!!!! If something doesn't work and getting no results, then they do the same thing over and over again praying. They believe that you should just put your head down and go in one direction and that direction is the right one. IT IS FUCKING ASS BACKWARDS!!!!!!!! WHY GOD?!?!?! WHY ME?!?!?!?!
J-Bo
P.S. Van wants to marry me, he wants to be with me, but he is frozen. He is still trying to make his family happy, and nothing is going to make them happy. Anything he tries to do will be for them, and it won't work. I so want him out of that house so he can have the distance that he himself wants and his siblings and cousins are getting.
P.P.S. He still sucks a mean dick!!!
P.P.P.S. God I am trying to help this man, but I am stuck. Sometimes I feel the best thing for him to do is to be forced out on his own. I get the feeling his family is going to really know about him...but it will be when he moves out. I think when that happens you will see him have to grow, because there is no going back. Then he will see who is for him, and all the people he is trying to make happy won't matter. He will.
It was awesome...no full on sex, but it was something. He said I am part of his destiny, and that he sees me as his husband. He said he has to get past his fears, because I am the rest of his life. It was really touching to hear him say that.
We went to school to get some work done. I started, but he fell asleep. Next thing I know he puts his head on my chest. I wake him up to get him to do his work. I tell him I am not going to ask him if he is ok...he is an adult and he has to seek help and advice.
He told me he is already starting to feel a lil bad. He said that I can send him all the information in the world, but he won't read it. Honestly this man needs his family to back him up. But his family won't...that is what he says. He has one of those holier than though families that believe their way is best, and if it isn't working then something is wrong with him.
THEY ARE A CRAZY ASS FAMILY!!!! If something doesn't work and getting no results, then they do the same thing over and over again praying. They believe that you should just put your head down and go in one direction and that direction is the right one. IT IS FUCKING ASS BACKWARDS!!!!!!!! WHY GOD?!?!?! WHY ME?!?!?!?!
J-Bo
P.S. Van wants to marry me, he wants to be with me, but he is frozen. He is still trying to make his family happy, and nothing is going to make them happy. Anything he tries to do will be for them, and it won't work. I so want him out of that house so he can have the distance that he himself wants and his siblings and cousins are getting.
P.P.S. He still sucks a mean dick!!!
P.P.P.S. God I am trying to help this man, but I am stuck. Sometimes I feel the best thing for him to do is to be forced out on his own. I get the feeling his family is going to really know about him...but it will be when he moves out. I think when that happens you will see him have to grow, because there is no going back. Then he will see who is for him, and all the people he is trying to make happy won't matter. He will.
Goodbye to another friend...
I just got in from seeing my friend in the hospital. He was suppose to be leaving for Alaska, but there were some complications. I think I should start at the beginning.
I had a great day in school. I sang...hung with friends, saw a recital and went out. I didn't stay out though because I am walking around on no food and water for the whole day. They offered to buy me food and stuff, but I was really interested in just getting to my bed. So I left to go home. While on the bus I get a call from Dan's cousin telling me to rush to the hospital...so I do.
Dan looks like he is about to go any minute. The lack of food has me really weak with emotions, and I start crying. He can't even cry...he has no more tears. It was one of the most horrible situations I have seen. He talked to me for 5 minutes telling me to never give up. To make sure that I love without abandon always...that, that is what being a Christian is about.
He died talking to me, and it is one of those things I will never forget. I sang his favorite spiritual that I introduced to him. I sang Give Me Jesus...the man managed one tear, and then he was out. I miss him so much. I know he has work to do, and I don't want him getting all weird and freaked out on me. :-)
On my way out I stopped in the "chapel" at the church to pray, and center myself. There was this kid balling his eyes out. I didn't want to say anything, but I felt compelled. Turns out it is a kid that just lost his mother, and he feels it is his fault because he is gay. What kind of poison has he been receiving to believe such lies.
We talked and in 45 minutes I was able to help him. I prayed with him, and we both got some stuff out. At the end of it he asked me how can I be sure that Jesus loves and accepts him..I had to smile. I told him what came from God, and he felt relieved...he felt blessed. I feel so good having God use me is such awesome ways.
J-Bo
P.S. Van came to the recital. He was late, but he did come. What will tomorrow bring?
P.P.S. I need to stop crying. I lose Sean and I lose Dan. One to a disease, and another to hate...God you are testing my emotions. Both men that have changed a lot in their lives and left us too soon. You guys give me hope that people can change, no matter the fear and doubt.
P.P.P.S. It's weird because I feel Van's fighting spirit being riled up. That means he is hearing something he doesn't want to hear. I wonder what it is?? The only thing I can imagine is about his sexuality...he really wants to be straight...shame that he wants to rework the foundation of who he is. I was always taught that God makes no mistakes, and we are who we are.
I had a great day in school. I sang...hung with friends, saw a recital and went out. I didn't stay out though because I am walking around on no food and water for the whole day. They offered to buy me food and stuff, but I was really interested in just getting to my bed. So I left to go home. While on the bus I get a call from Dan's cousin telling me to rush to the hospital...so I do.
Dan looks like he is about to go any minute. The lack of food has me really weak with emotions, and I start crying. He can't even cry...he has no more tears. It was one of the most horrible situations I have seen. He talked to me for 5 minutes telling me to never give up. To make sure that I love without abandon always...that, that is what being a Christian is about.
He died talking to me, and it is one of those things I will never forget. I sang his favorite spiritual that I introduced to him. I sang Give Me Jesus...the man managed one tear, and then he was out. I miss him so much. I know he has work to do, and I don't want him getting all weird and freaked out on me. :-)
On my way out I stopped in the "chapel" at the church to pray, and center myself. There was this kid balling his eyes out. I didn't want to say anything, but I felt compelled. Turns out it is a kid that just lost his mother, and he feels it is his fault because he is gay. What kind of poison has he been receiving to believe such lies.
We talked and in 45 minutes I was able to help him. I prayed with him, and we both got some stuff out. At the end of it he asked me how can I be sure that Jesus loves and accepts him..I had to smile. I told him what came from God, and he felt relieved...he felt blessed. I feel so good having God use me is such awesome ways.
J-Bo
P.S. Van came to the recital. He was late, but he did come. What will tomorrow bring?
P.P.S. I need to stop crying. I lose Sean and I lose Dan. One to a disease, and another to hate...God you are testing my emotions. Both men that have changed a lot in their lives and left us too soon. You guys give me hope that people can change, no matter the fear and doubt.
P.P.P.S. It's weird because I feel Van's fighting spirit being riled up. That means he is hearing something he doesn't want to hear. I wonder what it is?? The only thing I can imagine is about his sexuality...he really wants to be straight...shame that he wants to rework the foundation of who he is. I was always taught that God makes no mistakes, and we are who we are.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
My cousin and his husband...
I just wanted to throw a quick post about my cousin and his husband. I am not sure for how long they have been married, but they are both happy and have come a long way. I know that his husband is very much like Van...that he came a long way and been through a lot to feel comfortable with himself.
I see their post on facebook and to see them happy and together brings hope to my eyes. They really made a life for themselves. I am going to visit Atlanta again soon, and hang out with them. They keep telling me about this awesome Pentecostal church...I think it is non-denom, but I am not sure. I am always good for a good service. Hope the music is on point... :-)
Right now they are at the movies watching Think Like a Man, and Act Like a Lady. I wanted to see that with Van, but I am sure it maybe too much for him...maybe if we sit on opposite sides of the theater. We were also suppose to go watch The Lucky One...that is a big love story movie so I am sure he will have a problem with that...we would definitely have to sit on opposite sides of the theater, and leave separately.
That is a bit much, but funny to think about. I hate the separation, but it is what it is. I just need him to think I don't care at all. I have been getting really good at hiding my emotions and desires. That day we spoke I kept it together. Now that I think about it I maybe over him...I think I am. If he was to ever say anything I would be able to cut him off and turn him away...I PUT MY FOOT DOWN!!!! :-)
J-Bo
P.S. This story makes me think of him. And it is inspirational for myself.
In life we are permitted to do whatever our own minds allow us to do, and we have to understand that everyday and in every waking second, we have a chance to start a new beginning, a chance to start with a clean slate and work towards the things that our most in our hearts.
Don't waste time worrying about yesterday, your past is your past and will always be so. Worry about the present, who you are now, and who you will eventually become, and live it!
I see their post on facebook and to see them happy and together brings hope to my eyes. They really made a life for themselves. I am going to visit Atlanta again soon, and hang out with them. They keep telling me about this awesome Pentecostal church...I think it is non-denom, but I am not sure. I am always good for a good service. Hope the music is on point... :-)
Right now they are at the movies watching Think Like a Man, and Act Like a Lady. I wanted to see that with Van, but I am sure it maybe too much for him...maybe if we sit on opposite sides of the theater. We were also suppose to go watch The Lucky One...that is a big love story movie so I am sure he will have a problem with that...we would definitely have to sit on opposite sides of the theater, and leave separately.
That is a bit much, but funny to think about. I hate the separation, but it is what it is. I just need him to think I don't care at all. I have been getting really good at hiding my emotions and desires. That day we spoke I kept it together. Now that I think about it I maybe over him...I think I am. If he was to ever say anything I would be able to cut him off and turn him away...I PUT MY FOOT DOWN!!!! :-)
J-Bo
P.S. This story makes me think of him. And it is inspirational for myself.
"one day can change everything"
Many choose to believe that just because they have experienced so much in their lifetime, and because their life is and has always been a certain life, that one day can't change everything. Though it is much easier to hold on to the past and who you used to be, we must all realize that with one moment we can create a new beginning for ourselves if it is truly inside of us to do so. In life we are permitted to do whatever our own minds allow us to do, and we have to understand that everyday and in every waking second, we have a chance to start a new beginning, a chance to start with a clean slate and work towards the things that our most in our hearts.
Don't waste time worrying about yesterday, your past is your past and will always be so. Worry about the present, who you are now, and who you will eventually become, and live it!
How can I be sure God LOVES ME?!?!?!
Something that answers alot of quesetions. Alot of the concerns Van has this guy answers.
This helped save a life...I gave it to someone last week, and he said it kept him from killing himself. GOD IS GOOD!!!!!
This helped save a life...I gave it to someone last week, and he said it kept him from killing himself. GOD IS GOOD!!!!!
HORRIBLE!!!!
I came from the gym where I met my new love interest. Nothing serious, but we were talking and having a good time. Suffice it to say I did not get any work done, but I am not complaining. But when he leaves to get ready for work, and I decide to get some work in 2 men come up to me telling me to be careful.
Apparently my new "beau" as he calls himself gave his best friend HERPES!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?! Me and this man talked about sexual health, health and fitness, and all that good stuff. Not once did he bring this stuff up to me!!!!!!!!
I was also told that on many occasions he forced himself onto this guy. I was being told that a rapist who has a STD was trying to get into my pants and take me away for the weekend. I AM SO PISSED OFF!!!!!! You can't trust no one anymore...people are walking around and they don't care ready to infect everyone else. Or the other side thy don't know, lie about it and keep it moving.
Some girl overheard our discussion and she falls into the latter. She said her boyfriend said he has nothing. The truth was that he never got tested for anything because he didn't want to know. His way of testing was that he had sex with a pregnant chick and her baby came out clean!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!
This nice lady also proceeded to tell me other horror stories. I must admit that while they were talking I was immediately thinking of Van. I was longing for him real bad...I know he is clean and safe, and even if he wants to be crazy and slutty sometimes it is more a fantasy not reality and it was only with me. This is so frustrating...so frustrating.
Oh well...I didn't work out like I wanted. I am about to jump in the shower and just scrub real hard, because it is not a game anymore. I am done with it all...DONE!!!!!!!! -_-
Still got so much to do. My mom asked about him yesterday...saying if he ever needed a safe place he has one. No judgement just good advice, food, and a place to sleep if needed. It wasn't until yesterday that I realize how good I have it. My family doesn't proclaim to be saved or even spiritual and holy...but the proof is in the putting.
When I think about the character traits of Jesus Christ, we may not be perfect, but my parents are so good at showing and living them. That's funny...Van said it one time before and I just threw it away. he said, My family is blessed, and very rare in how we operate.
I think of his family and even Dishone's family and it makes me sad. You should feel safe and comfortable, but my mom said that it is not the case everywhere. Lemme shower, and get out of here. Today is a busy day, and I need to get started... :-)
J-Bo
P.S. While talking to homeboy in the beginning, the one who I was going to go away with, I could not stop thinking about Van. I was comparing them. This boy is all over me, and it showed today. God this is a trial. When we had our talk he was visible showing signs that he was being pulled towards me. I acted like I felt nothing, but honestly I am always on a cliff with him. I think I did good yesterday though...I have safeguards put in place...they should hold up.
P.P.S. I sent him a text telling him to take a job because we all know they hard to come by. I read his last blog post...I am trying not to read anything from it, because I don't want him to think I care or anything. I know how I sound...if he can be stubborn and do what he is doing, then so can I!!!! I don't want him to think that I still want him though...it is a stupid game really. I know how he feels about me, and the only thing keeping him away is his fears that something bad may happen...I have to remain hard and keep my safeguards up at all times. I AM 99.999999999999% sure that I got this on lock.
Apparently my new "beau" as he calls himself gave his best friend HERPES!!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?! Me and this man talked about sexual health, health and fitness, and all that good stuff. Not once did he bring this stuff up to me!!!!!!!!
I was also told that on many occasions he forced himself onto this guy. I was being told that a rapist who has a STD was trying to get into my pants and take me away for the weekend. I AM SO PISSED OFF!!!!!! You can't trust no one anymore...people are walking around and they don't care ready to infect everyone else. Or the other side thy don't know, lie about it and keep it moving.
Some girl overheard our discussion and she falls into the latter. She said her boyfriend said he has nothing. The truth was that he never got tested for anything because he didn't want to know. His way of testing was that he had sex with a pregnant chick and her baby came out clean!!!!! WTF?!?!?!?!?!
This nice lady also proceeded to tell me other horror stories. I must admit that while they were talking I was immediately thinking of Van. I was longing for him real bad...I know he is clean and safe, and even if he wants to be crazy and slutty sometimes it is more a fantasy not reality and it was only with me. This is so frustrating...so frustrating.
Oh well...I didn't work out like I wanted. I am about to jump in the shower and just scrub real hard, because it is not a game anymore. I am done with it all...DONE!!!!!!!! -_-
Still got so much to do. My mom asked about him yesterday...saying if he ever needed a safe place he has one. No judgement just good advice, food, and a place to sleep if needed. It wasn't until yesterday that I realize how good I have it. My family doesn't proclaim to be saved or even spiritual and holy...but the proof is in the putting.
When I think about the character traits of Jesus Christ, we may not be perfect, but my parents are so good at showing and living them. That's funny...Van said it one time before and I just threw it away. he said, My family is blessed, and very rare in how we operate.
I think of his family and even Dishone's family and it makes me sad. You should feel safe and comfortable, but my mom said that it is not the case everywhere. Lemme shower, and get out of here. Today is a busy day, and I need to get started... :-)
J-Bo
P.S. While talking to homeboy in the beginning, the one who I was going to go away with, I could not stop thinking about Van. I was comparing them. This boy is all over me, and it showed today. God this is a trial. When we had our talk he was visible showing signs that he was being pulled towards me. I acted like I felt nothing, but honestly I am always on a cliff with him. I think I did good yesterday though...I have safeguards put in place...they should hold up.
P.P.S. I sent him a text telling him to take a job because we all know they hard to come by. I read his last blog post...I am trying not to read anything from it, because I don't want him to think I care or anything. I know how I sound...if he can be stubborn and do what he is doing, then so can I!!!! I don't want him to think that I still want him though...it is a stupid game really. I know how he feels about me, and the only thing keeping him away is his fears that something bad may happen...I have to remain hard and keep my safeguards up at all times. I AM 99.999999999999% sure that I got this on lock.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
As per requested...
I was asked to do this, and I think it is a good idea. These are things that I wish all those who just live and die by the KJV or anything else for that matter without putting in the work and asking why and where it comes from.
Of course this my rant...
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As you know there is a group of people that believe that the KJV is the bible and that is it period. Just like you have some that are told by their doctor to change their diet and exercise, and they don't do it because it goes against what they were raised believing. The KJV contains the inspired Word of God, but is far from the most accurate.
Here it is...taken from a famous historian that is the leader in this research...like the Albert Einstein of biblical history.
The KJV was not the first English Bible, nor was it really a translation.
We will speak later about the immediate circumstances that led to the creation of the KJV, but for now we will say that the KJV was by no means the first English Bible; far from it! The first endeavors at translating the Bible into English were made by John Wycliffe in about 1382; these endeavors compelled Oxford to ban any attempts to translate the Word of God into English. During the Reformation, William Tyndale made the first real English translation of the Bible in 1525 with the New Testament; he was martyred before he could complete the task fully, but John Rogers, under the pseudonym Thomas Matthew completed the work in what would be known as Matthew's Bible in 1537, although by this time Miles Coverdale in England had already completed a full translation of the Bible, known as Coverdale's Bible. In 1538, Henry VIII, as one of the first actions in the newly established Church of England, called for a Bible in English to be placed in every church in the land; the Bible made for this purpose, a revision of Matthew's Bible, was known as the Great Bible, or Whitchurch's Bible. Next, the Calvinist English Protestants exiled in Geneva, Switzerland, under Mary Tudor published the Geneva Bible in 1560, and, as a response in 1568, the Anglican authorities commissioned the Bishops' Bible. Finally, in 1582, some exiled English Catholics produced the Douay-Rheims Bible in English (Nicolson, 247-250). We can see, therefore, that there were no fewer than five English versions of the Bible circulating within England when the KJV was produced and in fact the official instructions to the KJV translators bid them to base their revisions on the Bishops' Bible and to consult Tyndale's, Matthew's, Coverdale's, Whitchurch's (the Great Bible) and Geneva Bibles also! In the end, the KJV looked extremely similar to Tyndale's version, and it is evident that there was less translating going on than revision of all that had come before the KJV.
It should be stated at this point, however, that "modern" versions themselves have not really created "new" translations either but ultimately go back themselves to the KJV, save in circumstances of inferior texts and new discoveries. While nuances and styles have changed, the Bible of the English-speaking world has essentially been the same since the 1530s.
The KJV was commissioned for more political than spiritual reasons.
The KJV owes its birth to the Hampton Court Conference of 1604, the meeting of the newly crowned James I of England with the authorities of the Church of England and the Puritan dissidents. James desired to have a unified church in England and was distressed at the polarity he entered. The Geneva Bible was by far the most popular Bible in England in 1604, and while the translation was excellent the notes in it were fiercely Calvinist and anti-monarchical. The Bibles sanctioned by the Anglican authorities left much to be desired, but they at least did not contain seditious notes. One of the Puritans suggested to the King that he should establish one Bible for use throughout the land; James took this idea and from it came the decision to make a new translation (McGrath, 161-162). We can see, therefore, that there was no burning spiritual desire to have a new translation, but only the need for a political compromise between the seditious Geneva Bible and the inadequate Anglican versions.
The texts as the basis of the translations were not the most accurate, even for the early seventeenth century, and the knowledge of the translators of those languages was not always the best. To quote Nicholson:
The Hebrew and particularly the Greek texts they were working from were not the most accurate, even by the standards of their own time. Theodore Beza, Calvin's successor as the head of the church in Geneva, had prepared an edition of the New Testament some forty years earlier based on a more ancient and a less corrupt manuscript. The English scholars were still a little adrift on tenses in Hebrew, while koine, the form of rubbed down and difficult Greek in which the New Testament is written, so unlike the Greek of Plato and Aristotle, still held mysteries for them, which only later translations would correct,(224).
The printing procedures involved many errors in and of itself. Again, to quote Nicholson:
And it was littered with misprints, 'hoopes' for 'hookes,' 'she' for 'he,' three whole lines simply repeated in Exodus, and alarmingly 'Judas' for 'Jesus' in one of the Gospels. None of these was quite so catastrophic as a misprint that would appear in a 1631 edition, the so-called Wicked Bible, which failed to put the word 'not' in Exodus 20:14, giving the reading, 'Thou shalt commit adultery,' but the degree of muddle is scarcely what a modern scholarly text would tolerate. When, finally, in the nineteenth century, Dr. F. Scrivener, a scholar working to modern standards, attempted to collate all the editions of the King James Bible then in circulation, he found more than 24,000 variations between them. The curious fact is that no one such thing as 'The King James Bible' -- agreed, consistent, and whole-- has ever existed, (226).
We can see from this, then, that those who would consider "the 1611 Authorized Version" as THE Bible have much explaining to do as to which version of the 1611 "Authorized Version" they refer to!
The translators themselves continued to use other Bibles.
If the intent of the translators were to make THE Bible for all time, one would expect them to use it. After 1611, however, we find that the major translators are all still quoting from the Geneva Bible-- even the most anti-Puritan among them!
The KJV was not popular when first produced.
The English world did not immediately embrace the KJV; the Geneva Bible was still far more popular, even after it was no longer allowed to be printed in England; only after 1660, in the attempt to return to the status quo from before the social upheaval of the Protectorate, did the KJV begin to become popular.
The KJV was instrumental in the development of the English language and learning the English language.
In our attempt to understand the influence of the KJV, especially in America, we have to realize that English as a written, intelligent language only really began with Shakespeare and the KJV. For hundreds of years before this period, English was the vulgar language of the people, Latin was the language of the intelligensia, and French was the language of court. Only in the Tudor period in the sixteenth century do we see a desire to cultivate the English language, and its vocabulary was so limited that Shakespeare and the KJV have combined to essentially make the language for us!
After this period we find that the English language revolved partly around Shakespeare but mostly around the KJV. Throughout the English speaking world, and especially in the less-sophisticated America, both men and women learned to read with the KJV. The words of the KJV shaped their religion, their beliefs, and their language; the overall religious unity of the English world of the pre-colonial era allowed for the English language to change little from 1611 to 1880. Throughout the period of 1660 to 1880, the KJV was one of the few, if not only, books that English speaking people read and meditated upon.
The KJV became the Bible.
This statement may seem odd on the surface, but it explains the ideology of KJV onlyism well. There was not felt a need to adapt or revise the Bible after the KJV until the discovery of more ancient and superior texts in the 1880s and then with the major changes in the English language that occurred in the colonial and post-colonial periods in the twentieth century. The KJV was the Bible to so many people that many soon forgot that the KJV was only a translation of original Hebrew and Greek texts. The KJV took on a form of inspiration in and of itself, and many, many people could not disassociate in their minds the original Hebrew and Greek texts that represent the inspired Word of God and the KJV that was the translation of those works. We may joke today that "the KJV was good enough for Paul, so it should be good enough for me," but behind this statement is the belief of many.
The follies and the politics in Jacobean England that produced the King James Version were of course all but forgotten in later periods, and the only thing that remained was the KJV. The KJV was a monumental work for its time and its language exceptional; it is extremely literal and yet is written in a form of polished English not found in modern versions and translations. Despite its age and its inaccuracies it most certainly deserves a place on the Christian's bookshelf and is certainly appropriate for study. Unfortunately, however, there are many myths and misconceptions about the KJV that have caused some to believe incredulous claims about its inspiration and the idea that it alone is the true Bible and the rest are the works of Satan. We can see how these ideas developed: the success of the KJV in the English-speaking world caused people to consider the KJV the standard by which all other texts were to be compared, and not, as seen originally by the translators, as the endeavor to produce in English the best rendering of the Hebrew and Greek texts which they considered to be the standard.
The KJV stands as an important witness in the development of the Word of God in English, but it is best seen, as in the eye of the translators, as one landmark in the progression of the translation of the Word of God into English. The KJV translators took advantage of the work done before them and made an impressive edition; they would not want their translation to be enshrined as something it was not-- the only approved and God-certified Bible-- but as an important step in the understanding of God's Word for mankind. Today we have the advantage of better texts and better understanding of both Hebrew and Greek, and we in turn can have Bibles more accurate to the original authors. Let us continue to carry the torch lit so long ago and held by a long time by the KJV.
Ethan R. Longhenry
========================================================================
The KJV is a good bible, but as we all know by now we are seeing that it is not perfect and not all right. We don't agree and follow alot of things that it says because we see things as different, and that somethings are misconstrued, outdated, and just wrong. When people don't see the facts for what they are they are just playing ignorant...that is one of my arguements with Van. He is a man of science and facts, but he doesn't want to face the facts. He wants to, but it will be in his time!!!!
Here is a video that you see matches up with the bible to a T...All these major church organizations are missing something. Man is in the way of Christ. This goes for Catholics, 7th Day Adventist, COGIC, COOLJC, UPCI, Baptist, and all the rest that escape me:
P.S. I remember a time when he last freaked out that we just went for a car ride, and he said he wants me to drive down to city hall, so we can get married right now. he said he wants to marry me, but he just has to get past this. LORD JESUS WHY ARE U TESTING MY PATIENCE?!?!?! I swear I am a man of long suffering.
P.P.S. I am getting a free trip this weekend, so let's hope it goes well.
Of course this my rant...
========================================================================
As you know there is a group of people that believe that the KJV is the bible and that is it period. Just like you have some that are told by their doctor to change their diet and exercise, and they don't do it because it goes against what they were raised believing. The KJV contains the inspired Word of God, but is far from the most accurate.
Here it is...taken from a famous historian that is the leader in this research...like the Albert Einstein of biblical history.
The KJV was not the first English Bible, nor was it really a translation.
We will speak later about the immediate circumstances that led to the creation of the KJV, but for now we will say that the KJV was by no means the first English Bible; far from it! The first endeavors at translating the Bible into English were made by John Wycliffe in about 1382; these endeavors compelled Oxford to ban any attempts to translate the Word of God into English. During the Reformation, William Tyndale made the first real English translation of the Bible in 1525 with the New Testament; he was martyred before he could complete the task fully, but John Rogers, under the pseudonym Thomas Matthew completed the work in what would be known as Matthew's Bible in 1537, although by this time Miles Coverdale in England had already completed a full translation of the Bible, known as Coverdale's Bible. In 1538, Henry VIII, as one of the first actions in the newly established Church of England, called for a Bible in English to be placed in every church in the land; the Bible made for this purpose, a revision of Matthew's Bible, was known as the Great Bible, or Whitchurch's Bible. Next, the Calvinist English Protestants exiled in Geneva, Switzerland, under Mary Tudor published the Geneva Bible in 1560, and, as a response in 1568, the Anglican authorities commissioned the Bishops' Bible. Finally, in 1582, some exiled English Catholics produced the Douay-Rheims Bible in English (Nicolson, 247-250). We can see, therefore, that there were no fewer than five English versions of the Bible circulating within England when the KJV was produced and in fact the official instructions to the KJV translators bid them to base their revisions on the Bishops' Bible and to consult Tyndale's, Matthew's, Coverdale's, Whitchurch's (the Great Bible) and Geneva Bibles also! In the end, the KJV looked extremely similar to Tyndale's version, and it is evident that there was less translating going on than revision of all that had come before the KJV.
It should be stated at this point, however, that "modern" versions themselves have not really created "new" translations either but ultimately go back themselves to the KJV, save in circumstances of inferior texts and new discoveries. While nuances and styles have changed, the Bible of the English-speaking world has essentially been the same since the 1530s.
The KJV was commissioned for more political than spiritual reasons.
The KJV owes its birth to the Hampton Court Conference of 1604, the meeting of the newly crowned James I of England with the authorities of the Church of England and the Puritan dissidents. James desired to have a unified church in England and was distressed at the polarity he entered. The Geneva Bible was by far the most popular Bible in England in 1604, and while the translation was excellent the notes in it were fiercely Calvinist and anti-monarchical. The Bibles sanctioned by the Anglican authorities left much to be desired, but they at least did not contain seditious notes. One of the Puritans suggested to the King that he should establish one Bible for use throughout the land; James took this idea and from it came the decision to make a new translation (McGrath, 161-162). We can see, therefore, that there was no burning spiritual desire to have a new translation, but only the need for a political compromise between the seditious Geneva Bible and the inadequate Anglican versions.
The texts as the basis of the translations were not the most accurate, even for the early seventeenth century, and the knowledge of the translators of those languages was not always the best. To quote Nicholson:
The Hebrew and particularly the Greek texts they were working from were not the most accurate, even by the standards of their own time. Theodore Beza, Calvin's successor as the head of the church in Geneva, had prepared an edition of the New Testament some forty years earlier based on a more ancient and a less corrupt manuscript. The English scholars were still a little adrift on tenses in Hebrew, while koine, the form of rubbed down and difficult Greek in which the New Testament is written, so unlike the Greek of Plato and Aristotle, still held mysteries for them, which only later translations would correct,(224).
The printing procedures involved many errors in and of itself. Again, to quote Nicholson:
And it was littered with misprints, 'hoopes' for 'hookes,' 'she' for 'he,' three whole lines simply repeated in Exodus, and alarmingly 'Judas' for 'Jesus' in one of the Gospels. None of these was quite so catastrophic as a misprint that would appear in a 1631 edition, the so-called Wicked Bible, which failed to put the word 'not' in Exodus 20:14, giving the reading, 'Thou shalt commit adultery,' but the degree of muddle is scarcely what a modern scholarly text would tolerate. When, finally, in the nineteenth century, Dr. F. Scrivener, a scholar working to modern standards, attempted to collate all the editions of the King James Bible then in circulation, he found more than 24,000 variations between them. The curious fact is that no one such thing as 'The King James Bible' -- agreed, consistent, and whole-- has ever existed, (226).
We can see from this, then, that those who would consider "the 1611 Authorized Version" as THE Bible have much explaining to do as to which version of the 1611 "Authorized Version" they refer to!
The translators themselves continued to use other Bibles.
If the intent of the translators were to make THE Bible for all time, one would expect them to use it. After 1611, however, we find that the major translators are all still quoting from the Geneva Bible-- even the most anti-Puritan among them!
The KJV was not popular when first produced.
The English world did not immediately embrace the KJV; the Geneva Bible was still far more popular, even after it was no longer allowed to be printed in England; only after 1660, in the attempt to return to the status quo from before the social upheaval of the Protectorate, did the KJV begin to become popular.
The KJV was instrumental in the development of the English language and learning the English language.
In our attempt to understand the influence of the KJV, especially in America, we have to realize that English as a written, intelligent language only really began with Shakespeare and the KJV. For hundreds of years before this period, English was the vulgar language of the people, Latin was the language of the intelligensia, and French was the language of court. Only in the Tudor period in the sixteenth century do we see a desire to cultivate the English language, and its vocabulary was so limited that Shakespeare and the KJV have combined to essentially make the language for us!
After this period we find that the English language revolved partly around Shakespeare but mostly around the KJV. Throughout the English speaking world, and especially in the less-sophisticated America, both men and women learned to read with the KJV. The words of the KJV shaped their religion, their beliefs, and their language; the overall religious unity of the English world of the pre-colonial era allowed for the English language to change little from 1611 to 1880. Throughout the period of 1660 to 1880, the KJV was one of the few, if not only, books that English speaking people read and meditated upon.
The KJV became the Bible.
This statement may seem odd on the surface, but it explains the ideology of KJV onlyism well. There was not felt a need to adapt or revise the Bible after the KJV until the discovery of more ancient and superior texts in the 1880s and then with the major changes in the English language that occurred in the colonial and post-colonial periods in the twentieth century. The KJV was the Bible to so many people that many soon forgot that the KJV was only a translation of original Hebrew and Greek texts. The KJV took on a form of inspiration in and of itself, and many, many people could not disassociate in their minds the original Hebrew and Greek texts that represent the inspired Word of God and the KJV that was the translation of those works. We may joke today that "the KJV was good enough for Paul, so it should be good enough for me," but behind this statement is the belief of many.
The follies and the politics in Jacobean England that produced the King James Version were of course all but forgotten in later periods, and the only thing that remained was the KJV. The KJV was a monumental work for its time and its language exceptional; it is extremely literal and yet is written in a form of polished English not found in modern versions and translations. Despite its age and its inaccuracies it most certainly deserves a place on the Christian's bookshelf and is certainly appropriate for study. Unfortunately, however, there are many myths and misconceptions about the KJV that have caused some to believe incredulous claims about its inspiration and the idea that it alone is the true Bible and the rest are the works of Satan. We can see how these ideas developed: the success of the KJV in the English-speaking world caused people to consider the KJV the standard by which all other texts were to be compared, and not, as seen originally by the translators, as the endeavor to produce in English the best rendering of the Hebrew and Greek texts which they considered to be the standard.
The KJV stands as an important witness in the development of the Word of God in English, but it is best seen, as in the eye of the translators, as one landmark in the progression of the translation of the Word of God into English. The KJV translators took advantage of the work done before them and made an impressive edition; they would not want their translation to be enshrined as something it was not-- the only approved and God-certified Bible-- but as an important step in the understanding of God's Word for mankind. Today we have the advantage of better texts and better understanding of both Hebrew and Greek, and we in turn can have Bibles more accurate to the original authors. Let us continue to carry the torch lit so long ago and held by a long time by the KJV.
Ethan R. Longhenry
========================================================================
The KJV is a good bible, but as we all know by now we are seeing that it is not perfect and not all right. We don't agree and follow alot of things that it says because we see things as different, and that somethings are misconstrued, outdated, and just wrong. When people don't see the facts for what they are they are just playing ignorant...that is one of my arguements with Van. He is a man of science and facts, but he doesn't want to face the facts. He wants to, but it will be in his time!!!!
Here is a video that you see matches up with the bible to a T...All these major church organizations are missing something. Man is in the way of Christ. This goes for Catholics, 7th Day Adventist, COGIC, COOLJC, UPCI, Baptist, and all the rest that escape me:
P.S. I remember a time when he last freaked out that we just went for a car ride, and he said he wants me to drive down to city hall, so we can get married right now. he said he wants to marry me, but he just has to get past this. LORD JESUS WHY ARE U TESTING MY PATIENCE?!?!?! I swear I am a man of long suffering.
P.P.S. I am getting a free trip this weekend, so let's hope it goes well.
This is going to be a long one...
Class today was awesome. I had a great private voice lesson...learning music to immediately go out and start working. Learning arias from Elijah and Messiah...DOING IT BIG!!!!!! Also, studio ensemble singing was AWESOME!!!!!!!! There is work to be done, but I am so ready for this performance. I am looking forward to bugging out and acting up!!!!!
So Van and I had a good talk today. It was an interesting talk. For one thing the atmosphere was stifling and difficult. It is normally easy to talk to him, but today it was like pulling teeth at first. I felt him reaching out to me, but I also felt this huge wall up. IT WAS SO CUTE...but a lil annoying, but I understand. He didn't even want to take the elevator with me, and his body was reacting to me just being there.
It was also cute because in the blink of an eye he said his mind was racing and he had to go. It was cute...he was trying so hard to be different towards me...I feel for him.
I told him that people pity him sometimes, but they see that there is a way out for him. He didn't like that, but I told him that people see things that we don't so don't throw it out. I told him he can trust me, and so I told him why. He felt it, but he didn't like it. He likes to think he is invincible. :-)
For him being gay isn't a problem. He is an out gay man to the majority of people. His problem is that he doesn't want to go to hell, and he has been told that being gay is a sin that will send you to hell. It is pretty upsetting, but that is how his brain is right now. When we are out in public he is super comfortable and really into PDA. He is acting out of fear, because he is worried that his soul is in danger. He also says that his only friend is Jesus...funny thing he doesn't realize that Jesus is not a God of fear. He is acting out of fear...I am sure Jesus is trying to tell him but Van is frozen into doing nothing, and playing it safe.
Speaking of his friends and inner circle he has this thing where Jesus is all he needs. I agree, but he takes it very far. He has no one that he can be honest and open with before me. Jesus brings people into our lives for a reason. Partners, friends, and more. He had no one that he can be honest and truthful with...he was that frozen by fear. Here I come and he has a best friend/partner in me. He has the BFAs, professors, and other church youth. His current BFF is Dishone...another gay youth that is his twin basically.
He wants me to be in his life. We have to see how friends will work...we will always be more, but we have to see how to make it work. He wants it to work and so do I. I am laughing thinking about him now. I didn't tell him, but I was so feeling him. I just wanted to run up to him and hug him, and tell him to sing with me. Remember I had a great class, and came out singing and dancing...I LOVE BEING A MUSICIAN!!!!!
BTW I did congratulate him on getting another title...he is the Minister of Music for the entire district. He can handle the work...I still find it funny that he is getting these post and titles. God is basically saying he is qualified and annointed to do it...yet when they find out he is gay, they will take it away. All that means is that God has something for him, but Man has a problem with the details...but I do love the black church...even though it is backwards sometimes.
I do have movie tickets for the Avengers that we are suppose to use. It is suppose to be me, Van, Aaron, and Steve. No need to worry about them...that is for another post.
I am confused a little though. There is proof that being gay is not wrong or a problem through science. I know this helped some other people that were science heads like he is...What Science Says and Doesn't Say About Homosexuality.
Van feels that being gay will send him to hell...truth is that he doesn't believe that. He is confused so he is choosing to do nothing in hopes he does something right. The bible doesn't even talk about homosexuality. Everyone does their research and anyone who does comes back to the same realization that the bible does not talk about gay people like him and Dishone. A good starting point on that is...What the Bible Says and Doesn't Say about Homosexuality.
It is cute that everyone is rooting for us. That says alot, but he is being stubborn. Even his cousin gave his blessing, and his other friend said that he supports him. The only two people that he told...he only told because I helped him find that comfortablility in himself...to be honest it was Jesus that did that, but he did use me!!! Just patting myself on the back... :-)
He said he knew that some guy wants to take me away on the weekend, and he said for me to go. But when he said it, he had the same look in his eyes and body that he always does. It is that look that he has that says no matter where I go or do he got me, because he has my heart, mind, body, and soul. He said he got me and I got him and that is that. Funny...God is too funny. This man is a trip...he said I could be dating anyone in the world, and he would come and that would be that. But then again it is the same for me. I do have that man. :-)
Everyone needs not to worry about him though. He will do fine...we will be part of each other's lives for life. God brought us together...we really did come together through some divine intervention. I will say it again...God is FUNNY!!!!!
He knows he is gay and is open about that. Proof is in the PDA, his whole life, and even when we walked through the village hand in hand, and he kept my hand in his...even when I tried to pull away. He is just scared and concerned. He has been trying to seperate from his family so he can be free and do him...that is something right there. The man said many times that if he knew his family would just support him...not even approve everything, but support him that he would have AIDS!!!! Calm down people that is him being extreme. He really wants approval he will never get, and he is beginning to not even want.
As soon as he is out of the house, watch and see him grow. He is really bound. :-(
God I love that man.
J-Bo
P.S. He says he never gave me 110% of himself, but that is a lie. He would have my last name by now if he wasn't so ruled by fear and doubt...two emotions that are not Godly emotions and not Christ like, but I digress. :-) Dishone and him are very alike in that area...Dishone is just obsessive with his love...Van is not. Van is dedicated, passionate, loyal, and devoted in his love to me. He just lacks the obsessive quality that makes Dishone's love seem like it is more. Can't tell him that, because he'd deny it, and I don't want him to think about it.
P.P.S. He wants me in his life, but he is looking for a way. He is too much sometimes...GOD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!?!?!? SMFH!!!!! LMAO!!!!!
P.P.P.S. I miss my friend...I really do. I miss him. He is to the point where he knows and accepts he is gay, but he is worried that it is a heaven and hell issue. I mean there is so much proof that the bible doesn't speak against homosexuals, and also the fact that the KJV is not the actual bible, but became the standard later on, because it had to be used...so said the monarch at the time. I don't see what is so hard...GOD PLEASE LET THIS MAN ACCEPT THE EVIDENCE AND TRUTH...IT IS RIGHT THERE AS PLAIN AS DAY!!!!!!
Hope these help someone:
So Van and I had a good talk today. It was an interesting talk. For one thing the atmosphere was stifling and difficult. It is normally easy to talk to him, but today it was like pulling teeth at first. I felt him reaching out to me, but I also felt this huge wall up. IT WAS SO CUTE...but a lil annoying, but I understand. He didn't even want to take the elevator with me, and his body was reacting to me just being there.
It was also cute because in the blink of an eye he said his mind was racing and he had to go. It was cute...he was trying so hard to be different towards me...I feel for him.
I told him that people pity him sometimes, but they see that there is a way out for him. He didn't like that, but I told him that people see things that we don't so don't throw it out. I told him he can trust me, and so I told him why. He felt it, but he didn't like it. He likes to think he is invincible. :-)
For him being gay isn't a problem. He is an out gay man to the majority of people. His problem is that he doesn't want to go to hell, and he has been told that being gay is a sin that will send you to hell. It is pretty upsetting, but that is how his brain is right now. When we are out in public he is super comfortable and really into PDA. He is acting out of fear, because he is worried that his soul is in danger. He also says that his only friend is Jesus...funny thing he doesn't realize that Jesus is not a God of fear. He is acting out of fear...I am sure Jesus is trying to tell him but Van is frozen into doing nothing, and playing it safe.
Speaking of his friends and inner circle he has this thing where Jesus is all he needs. I agree, but he takes it very far. He has no one that he can be honest and open with before me. Jesus brings people into our lives for a reason. Partners, friends, and more. He had no one that he can be honest and truthful with...he was that frozen by fear. Here I come and he has a best friend/partner in me. He has the BFAs, professors, and other church youth. His current BFF is Dishone...another gay youth that is his twin basically.
He wants me to be in his life. We have to see how friends will work...we will always be more, but we have to see how to make it work. He wants it to work and so do I. I am laughing thinking about him now. I didn't tell him, but I was so feeling him. I just wanted to run up to him and hug him, and tell him to sing with me. Remember I had a great class, and came out singing and dancing...I LOVE BEING A MUSICIAN!!!!!
BTW I did congratulate him on getting another title...he is the Minister of Music for the entire district. He can handle the work...I still find it funny that he is getting these post and titles. God is basically saying he is qualified and annointed to do it...yet when they find out he is gay, they will take it away. All that means is that God has something for him, but Man has a problem with the details...but I do love the black church...even though it is backwards sometimes.
I do have movie tickets for the Avengers that we are suppose to use. It is suppose to be me, Van, Aaron, and Steve. No need to worry about them...that is for another post.
I am confused a little though. There is proof that being gay is not wrong or a problem through science. I know this helped some other people that were science heads like he is...What Science Says and Doesn't Say About Homosexuality.
Van feels that being gay will send him to hell...truth is that he doesn't believe that. He is confused so he is choosing to do nothing in hopes he does something right. The bible doesn't even talk about homosexuality. Everyone does their research and anyone who does comes back to the same realization that the bible does not talk about gay people like him and Dishone. A good starting point on that is...What the Bible Says and Doesn't Say about Homosexuality.
It is cute that everyone is rooting for us. That says alot, but he is being stubborn. Even his cousin gave his blessing, and his other friend said that he supports him. The only two people that he told...he only told because I helped him find that comfortablility in himself...to be honest it was Jesus that did that, but he did use me!!! Just patting myself on the back... :-)
He said he knew that some guy wants to take me away on the weekend, and he said for me to go. But when he said it, he had the same look in his eyes and body that he always does. It is that look that he has that says no matter where I go or do he got me, because he has my heart, mind, body, and soul. He said he got me and I got him and that is that. Funny...God is too funny. This man is a trip...he said I could be dating anyone in the world, and he would come and that would be that. But then again it is the same for me. I do have that man. :-)
Everyone needs not to worry about him though. He will do fine...we will be part of each other's lives for life. God brought us together...we really did come together through some divine intervention. I will say it again...God is FUNNY!!!!!
He knows he is gay and is open about that. Proof is in the PDA, his whole life, and even when we walked through the village hand in hand, and he kept my hand in his...even when I tried to pull away. He is just scared and concerned. He has been trying to seperate from his family so he can be free and do him...that is something right there. The man said many times that if he knew his family would just support him...not even approve everything, but support him that he would have AIDS!!!! Calm down people that is him being extreme. He really wants approval he will never get, and he is beginning to not even want.
As soon as he is out of the house, watch and see him grow. He is really bound. :-(
God I love that man.
J-Bo
P.S. He says he never gave me 110% of himself, but that is a lie. He would have my last name by now if he wasn't so ruled by fear and doubt...two emotions that are not Godly emotions and not Christ like, but I digress. :-) Dishone and him are very alike in that area...Dishone is just obsessive with his love...Van is not. Van is dedicated, passionate, loyal, and devoted in his love to me. He just lacks the obsessive quality that makes Dishone's love seem like it is more. Can't tell him that, because he'd deny it, and I don't want him to think about it.
P.P.S. He wants me in his life, but he is looking for a way. He is too much sometimes...GOD WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?!?!?!?!? SMFH!!!!! LMAO!!!!!
P.P.P.S. I miss my friend...I really do. I miss him. He is to the point where he knows and accepts he is gay, but he is worried that it is a heaven and hell issue. I mean there is so much proof that the bible doesn't speak against homosexuals, and also the fact that the KJV is not the actual bible, but became the standard later on, because it had to be used...so said the monarch at the time. I don't see what is so hard...GOD PLEASE LET THIS MAN ACCEPT THE EVIDENCE AND TRUTH...IT IS RIGHT THERE AS PLAIN AS DAY!!!!!!
Hope these help someone:
Not looking good at all
I went to go visit Dan in the hospital, and he looks so much more worse than yesterday. I am really worried that he isn't going to make it to see the beautiful landscape in Alaska. I really want him to see this before he dies...God please give him the strength to hold on.
His spirits were down, so I offered to pray with him, and it really helped him out. I am not the type to say lemme pray for you, but I do what I can. I did it for a friend of mine that was going through when he was going through some drama. I drove to pick him, because he was in a bad situation. Van had called me and told me what was going on so I had to step up to the plate.
When I was about to drop him home, I told him I will pray with him, and he said it really helped. He was shocked, no surprise there. I told him not to tell anyone that I did that...I don't feel when you are doing something like that, you should be looking for accolades and acknowledgement. Dishone was like he wanted to tell Van, but I told him not to...it wasn't something I did for attention. I just did what I could for a friend.
Dishone calls me last night telling me that Van was acting hard and content on just being a dick. My words not his of course. I think he feels I want to be back with him. I do love him, but honestly I want my friend in my life. I really want to understand what happened, so that I have no misunderstandings. I just want my friend to be my friend...a part of me wants more, but I want to understand what the problem is. I am not sure how the convo is going to go, but I prayed for the wisdom to ask the right questions and get the truth.
On the other hand there is this other guy who has been talking to me...I've been giving him the time of day. Just because I need the distraction, and it feels good to talk to someone who isn't always doubting themselves. It is nice to be with someone who is self sufficient and doesn't let their doubts and fears control them. I am not in a relationship, just talking, but I don't know. My heart isn't with him and it won't but he is a cool dude, and he wants to go away for the weekend. I am in need for a vacation.
Guys I am confused...I really don't know what to do.
J-Bo
His spirits were down, so I offered to pray with him, and it really helped him out. I am not the type to say lemme pray for you, but I do what I can. I did it for a friend of mine that was going through when he was going through some drama. I drove to pick him, because he was in a bad situation. Van had called me and told me what was going on so I had to step up to the plate.
When I was about to drop him home, I told him I will pray with him, and he said it really helped. He was shocked, no surprise there. I told him not to tell anyone that I did that...I don't feel when you are doing something like that, you should be looking for accolades and acknowledgement. Dishone was like he wanted to tell Van, but I told him not to...it wasn't something I did for attention. I just did what I could for a friend.
Dishone calls me last night telling me that Van was acting hard and content on just being a dick. My words not his of course. I think he feels I want to be back with him. I do love him, but honestly I want my friend in my life. I really want to understand what happened, so that I have no misunderstandings. I just want my friend to be my friend...a part of me wants more, but I want to understand what the problem is. I am not sure how the convo is going to go, but I prayed for the wisdom to ask the right questions and get the truth.
On the other hand there is this other guy who has been talking to me...I've been giving him the time of day. Just because I need the distraction, and it feels good to talk to someone who isn't always doubting themselves. It is nice to be with someone who is self sufficient and doesn't let their doubts and fears control them. I am not in a relationship, just talking, but I don't know. My heart isn't with him and it won't but he is a cool dude, and he wants to go away for the weekend. I am in need for a vacation.
Guys I am confused...I really don't know what to do.
J-Bo
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Good news and bad news...
Bad news first...my friend won't last out for another month. His family is taking him to Alaska on that cruise he wanted. He also made me promise to stand up and be a man. I have to talk to Van, because I need to get this out.
That is part of the good news...I have to go and tell him what is going on in my heart and my head. I promised Dan that I would. That's my friend btw. He told me that I have to be the person and speak and come forward. I need to let this man know how I feel and that I want something different and more.
I am going to pray and ask God to give me the words tomorrow...I need to get this out.
J-Bo
That is part of the good news...I have to go and tell him what is going on in my heart and my head. I promised Dan that I would. That's my friend btw. He told me that I have to be the person and speak and come forward. I need to let this man know how I feel and that I want something different and more.
I am going to pray and ask God to give me the words tomorrow...I need to get this out.
J-Bo
Goodbye to a great friend...
This post in just in rememberance of those that I have lost, and who have meant so much to me.
I had a very good friend named Sean...he is no longer here because of bigotry, hate, and racism. I miss him so much. He is the perfect example of how someone can come out of their own personal darkness and make great things happen. I am really missing him right now.
There is another friend of mine that is dying right now. He has huntington's disease. He is in the last stages and it is killing me. I wanna be there for him but I can't. I am going to see him in the hospital today, and I pray he is in a better position. I hate having people close to me die...I don't know how doctors do this...AT ALL!!!
He told me he has some advice for me, and I want to hear this before God claims my friend. I told him I would honor whatever his last wish was, and I just hope it is something I can do. I really want to be there for him, and help him.
I said it before, and I will say it again...I NEED A VACATION!!!!
J-Bo
I had a very good friend named Sean...he is no longer here because of bigotry, hate, and racism. I miss him so much. He is the perfect example of how someone can come out of their own personal darkness and make great things happen. I am really missing him right now.
There is another friend of mine that is dying right now. He has huntington's disease. He is in the last stages and it is killing me. I wanna be there for him but I can't. I am going to see him in the hospital today, and I pray he is in a better position. I hate having people close to me die...I don't know how doctors do this...AT ALL!!!
He told me he has some advice for me, and I want to hear this before God claims my friend. I told him I would honor whatever his last wish was, and I just hope it is something I can do. I really want to be there for him, and help him.
I said it before, and I will say it again...I NEED A VACATION!!!!
J-Bo
Monday, April 23, 2012
Church people...the death that was pointless
I am reminded of the pastor's wife at my old church. Both the pastor and his wife got cancer. The Pastor had prostate cancer, and the pastor's wife had breast cancer. The prostate cancer was caught early and he got the treatment and is now healthy. The pastor's wife had a tumor the size of a large grapefruit. Her kids, family, and husband begged her to get it treated.
The pastor's wife told everyone that she wanted Jesus to heal her, and he wanted to heal her in a certain way. She put her family through hell...they had to watch her deteriorate and die. That is so sad and selfish.
What is going on with the church? We want God to do the things that we want, and not how it is. Of course, this reminds me of Van wanting God to show him and give him a sign. Of course he wants it in a way that he will receive it, and wants it. How ass backwards is that? Does that even sound right? Does that even sound like how God works?
He has his answer, just like she had hers, but she wanted to do things her way and not God's way, and same with Van. I remember the pastor of my cousin...he was dying of multiple diseases...just like his brother. So brother and pastor are just dying, and only one survived. The pastor was just praying, and hoping for a resolution...he died.
His kids say he died like a monster. The pastor's brother lived. He went to a doctor, changed his diet, and started working out. God is so good when you look at all sides and all corners. I hate people that only wanna look one way. Doesn't that sound like some crazy stuff?!?!?!?!
J-Bo
The pastor's wife told everyone that she wanted Jesus to heal her, and he wanted to heal her in a certain way. She put her family through hell...they had to watch her deteriorate and die. That is so sad and selfish.
What is going on with the church? We want God to do the things that we want, and not how it is. Of course, this reminds me of Van wanting God to show him and give him a sign. Of course he wants it in a way that he will receive it, and wants it. How ass backwards is that? Does that even sound right? Does that even sound like how God works?
He has his answer, just like she had hers, but she wanted to do things her way and not God's way, and same with Van. I remember the pastor of my cousin...he was dying of multiple diseases...just like his brother. So brother and pastor are just dying, and only one survived. The pastor was just praying, and hoping for a resolution...he died.
His kids say he died like a monster. The pastor's brother lived. He went to a doctor, changed his diet, and started working out. God is so good when you look at all sides and all corners. I hate people that only wanna look one way. Doesn't that sound like some crazy stuff?!?!?!?!
J-Bo
To wait or not to wait...that is the question.
I need some help people. I spent time with 2 of the big 3...my best friends period!!! We talked about all of our lives and just laid everything out.
I am so confused as to what to do with Van...I am so in love with him. But I have to know my worth and I have to realize that maybe he doesn't want to move forward. I am more than willing to wait and be there for him, but I have no idea how long it will take. My professor told me he did this same thing till he was in his 40s...during that time he tried being married to a woman, but it didn't help. He is now married to a great man whom he loves.
Everyone including Van sees us being married and together, but he has so much fear. He is really scared about going to hell, and he is so ready to just rest in what he was taught. I don't see him wanting to put in the work, to see things. He always felt that what he was taught is always right, even though on many occasions he has said it is not.
My friend Nora told me that there are no men like me. The things I am willing to do, and as far as I go I deserve someone that will treat me accordingly. I feel that Van does that, but he is so scared and insecure in himself that it gets in the way.
Bottom line I want the man back, but I need him to be a man. I was talking to this older guy about it, and he told me wait till Van is 26 and has come into his own and then we can move forward. It could be 10 days and this man could make a change, and it could be 60 years. Or he could live his life in shame and in the closet forever always being scared.
I want so much for him. I will always be here for him...I have to be. I am that kind of guy. I am really scared that he will get kicked out of his house and be homeless, so I have to make sure if it comes to that he can have one of my 5 bedrooms. I love him too much to let him just suffer like that.
Please any advice...any at all.
J-Bo
P.S. I am missing him mad hard, but I really told myself mad hard that he is happy and at peace. That it is for the best for him, and all the bad things that are coming will hurt him. He will doubt himself, and I am worried about him. When I went through it, I almost was to the point at giving up.
P.P.S. Hanging out with the Big 3 is so refreshing. I have friends that I can count on and they know and love me. Louis told me it is sad and regrettable that he is around people he doesn't feel safe and comfortable with that he can't be honest and open. He said that is not God...God is not fear, insecurity, hate, and so much more. Louis says when he is ready he will remember the man I am and the man he can be, and then he will make the move.
I am so confused as to what to do with Van...I am so in love with him. But I have to know my worth and I have to realize that maybe he doesn't want to move forward. I am more than willing to wait and be there for him, but I have no idea how long it will take. My professor told me he did this same thing till he was in his 40s...during that time he tried being married to a woman, but it didn't help. He is now married to a great man whom he loves.
Everyone including Van sees us being married and together, but he has so much fear. He is really scared about going to hell, and he is so ready to just rest in what he was taught. I don't see him wanting to put in the work, to see things. He always felt that what he was taught is always right, even though on many occasions he has said it is not.
My friend Nora told me that there are no men like me. The things I am willing to do, and as far as I go I deserve someone that will treat me accordingly. I feel that Van does that, but he is so scared and insecure in himself that it gets in the way.
Bottom line I want the man back, but I need him to be a man. I was talking to this older guy about it, and he told me wait till Van is 26 and has come into his own and then we can move forward. It could be 10 days and this man could make a change, and it could be 60 years. Or he could live his life in shame and in the closet forever always being scared.
I want so much for him. I will always be here for him...I have to be. I am that kind of guy. I am really scared that he will get kicked out of his house and be homeless, so I have to make sure if it comes to that he can have one of my 5 bedrooms. I love him too much to let him just suffer like that.
Please any advice...any at all.
J-Bo
P.S. I am missing him mad hard, but I really told myself mad hard that he is happy and at peace. That it is for the best for him, and all the bad things that are coming will hurt him. He will doubt himself, and I am worried about him. When I went through it, I almost was to the point at giving up.
P.P.S. Hanging out with the Big 3 is so refreshing. I have friends that I can count on and they know and love me. Louis told me it is sad and regrettable that he is around people he doesn't feel safe and comfortable with that he can't be honest and open. He said that is not God...God is not fear, insecurity, hate, and so much more. Louis says when he is ready he will remember the man I am and the man he can be, and then he will make the move.
YES!!!
I have the best friends and family and teachers!!!!
My voice teacher is preparing me for music jobs now in churches and stages. My accompianist is ready for me to start vocal coaching with her and prepare for work at the MET!!! My mother voice teacher is ready for me to be an OPERA STAR!!!!!!!
My mom, dad, and other family support and love that I am following my passion. I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! I forget how blessed I am, and I am so humble and glad that God saw fit to do this for me. So many other people don't have what I have, and I feel sorry for them, but I am reminded of what my mother told me.
We have been given 2 families. The one given to us and the ones we choose. I was raised in an awesome, loving, and nurturing family. I have also chosen great friends, and support that help me through the good and bad.
Now I have to survive this class, meet some great people, and hang out with 2 of the Big 3...my best and oldest friend EVER!! We are going to meet, and just be of help and support for each other. They know everything about me...I love them so much. They are family...I trust them with my secrets and vice versa...nothing more special than that.
My voice teacher is preparing me for music jobs now in churches and stages. My accompianist is ready for me to start vocal coaching with her and prepare for work at the MET!!! My mother voice teacher is ready for me to be an OPERA STAR!!!!!!!
My mom, dad, and other family support and love that I am following my passion. I LOVE MY LIFE!!!! I forget how blessed I am, and I am so humble and glad that God saw fit to do this for me. So many other people don't have what I have, and I feel sorry for them, but I am reminded of what my mother told me.
We have been given 2 families. The one given to us and the ones we choose. I was raised in an awesome, loving, and nurturing family. I have also chosen great friends, and support that help me through the good and bad.
Now I have to survive this class, meet some great people, and hang out with 2 of the Big 3...my best and oldest friend EVER!! We are going to meet, and just be of help and support for each other. They know everything about me...I love them so much. They are family...I trust them with my secrets and vice versa...nothing more special than that.
Gays and Lesbians in Black Christian Churches, Part 1 thru 4
The sad thing is that I know someone that knows the COGIC pastor very well...and I do mean in the biblical sense.
He says that he is not gay...I am going to keep my mouth shut. Not my place to out a man who is scared and lost. Just sad he comes up and talks this stuff...but it did come out like 5 years ago. Bet he wishes this wasn't still online today. :-(
Brand new day...
Woke up with a lot on my mind. I have so many things to do today...
I just have to stay focused and not let my mind rest on Van. I know that I am not the only person to break up with someone they love, but it sucks. I just have to believe that he is happy, and at peace. But deep down I know it is short lived. I just feel so bad that it is turning out like this.
Oh well...at the gym today some guy that I normally see and talk to was there, and he turned his charm way up. I so badly wanted to give him the time of day. He is so HOT!!! AND FINE AS HELL!!!! LOL
But I couldn't do it...I wouldn't do it. It is going to take me sometime to get over Van, and even when I do I know I will always want him deep down. I have to be careful, because he will always own a huge part of my heart, and that is something that won't go anywhere.
I just have to remember that he is happy and that he is going to be great. I have to believe that...I have to forget what I know about him, his family, the black church, and human psychology. I just have to put my blinders on and say that he is doing great.
God why did you bring him into my life if you were going to let him just go away. I mean free will is a BITCH!!!! SMH...LOL.
God you bring me to him, have us fall heads over heel in love with each other, but you do nothing about the other stuff. It is true that you did your part, but come on!!!!!!
Anyway I have a voice lesson, class, and then just me in the library chilling doing work. I NEED A VACATION!!!!!!!
I have to be indifferent towards him, and hard. He can't know how I am feeling. I just wish he had my experiences so he'd be past this. I wonder if he will turn into one of those people that his family talks about that is not happy, but just does church work and hides who they are and suffers in silence. Praying what they are doing is the right thing.
I just hate seeing someone I love who is not really following the bible, but his own ideals. The only way he will believe it is if his family believes and backs him up. The sad thing is that he tells me that they won't ever do it, because they hate being proven wrong. They only back things that they feel is worth it...only if they knew they are killing their son/grandson/nephew. He has a gay cousin that is out, proud, successful, and living his life. I do wish that was him now.
I am rambling...some more good news is that I might be getting some calls soon for some people to contact me on copywriting jobs, and for some real estate deals. I AM MAKING MOVES PEOPLE, AND PRETTY SOON MY DREAM APARTMENT AND I WILL BE TRAVELLING!!!!!
J-Bo
I just have to stay focused and not let my mind rest on Van. I know that I am not the only person to break up with someone they love, but it sucks. I just have to believe that he is happy, and at peace. But deep down I know it is short lived. I just feel so bad that it is turning out like this.
Oh well...at the gym today some guy that I normally see and talk to was there, and he turned his charm way up. I so badly wanted to give him the time of day. He is so HOT!!! AND FINE AS HELL!!!! LOL
But I couldn't do it...I wouldn't do it. It is going to take me sometime to get over Van, and even when I do I know I will always want him deep down. I have to be careful, because he will always own a huge part of my heart, and that is something that won't go anywhere.
I just have to remember that he is happy and that he is going to be great. I have to believe that...I have to forget what I know about him, his family, the black church, and human psychology. I just have to put my blinders on and say that he is doing great.
God why did you bring him into my life if you were going to let him just go away. I mean free will is a BITCH!!!! SMH...LOL.
God you bring me to him, have us fall heads over heel in love with each other, but you do nothing about the other stuff. It is true that you did your part, but come on!!!!!!
Anyway I have a voice lesson, class, and then just me in the library chilling doing work. I NEED A VACATION!!!!!!!
I have to be indifferent towards him, and hard. He can't know how I am feeling. I just wish he had my experiences so he'd be past this. I wonder if he will turn into one of those people that his family talks about that is not happy, but just does church work and hides who they are and suffers in silence. Praying what they are doing is the right thing.
I just hate seeing someone I love who is not really following the bible, but his own ideals. The only way he will believe it is if his family believes and backs him up. The sad thing is that he tells me that they won't ever do it, because they hate being proven wrong. They only back things that they feel is worth it...only if they knew they are killing their son/grandson/nephew. He has a gay cousin that is out, proud, successful, and living his life. I do wish that was him now.
I am rambling...some more good news is that I might be getting some calls soon for some people to contact me on copywriting jobs, and for some real estate deals. I AM MAKING MOVES PEOPLE, AND PRETTY SOON MY DREAM APARTMENT AND I WILL BE TRAVELLING!!!!!
J-Bo
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Too much...
You guys are too much with your comments.
The fact is that I will always be in love with Van, and I am ok with that. God choose him to own my heart, and I am happy he did.
I just wish this man would've been through this back and forth in high school and early in college. But everyone on their own time...and God's time really.
Van did say that I should be crazy and institutionalized, by now...so maybe this course is better for him. I just want him back, but no matter what I am going to act indifferent towards him. I need him to know that I am fine with everything.
I keep saying he is perfect with everything and that I should be too...
Again I want to say thank you for the comments. I gotta start blogging for my business anyway, and this is a great start. I NEED HIS ASS!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!
I'm just feeling and ranting people.
J-Bo
P.S. Talked to my young mentees in San Francisco today...they are going good. They are making me so proud. God I love being that person to people.
The fact is that I will always be in love with Van, and I am ok with that. God choose him to own my heart, and I am happy he did.
I just wish this man would've been through this back and forth in high school and early in college. But everyone on their own time...and God's time really.
Van did say that I should be crazy and institutionalized, by now...so maybe this course is better for him. I just want him back, but no matter what I am going to act indifferent towards him. I need him to know that I am fine with everything.
I keep saying he is perfect with everything and that I should be too...
Again I want to say thank you for the comments. I gotta start blogging for my business anyway, and this is a great start. I NEED HIS ASS!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!
I'm just feeling and ranting people.
J-Bo
P.S. Talked to my young mentees in San Francisco today...they are going good. They are making me so proud. God I love being that person to people.
God is still GREAT!!!
Today at church was interesting. As soon as I got in the building and took my seat I started to cry. I just asked God why?!?!?! WHY ME?!?!?!!?!?
I guess we all ask that question every once and a while.
The thing that really sucks is that he just accepts what he is doing is right without thinking. I mean I go out look for answers, ask questions...and more importantly I look everywhere and don't judge or form an opinion without hearing all arguements.
He just accepts that what he is doing is right and just. I am not sure where, but there is a scripture in Revelations I believe where it talks about "Christians" who believe they are doing the right thing, and are high and mighty about it.
No way is right except for theirs and they have the answers. It talks about them going to hell, because they assumed that what they were taught or knew was right...instead of seeking and developming a real relationship they had a crowd mentality.
I have to laugh, because at this point and time Van would go ahead and say PREACH!!!! LMAO!!! That would really be interesting...
I keep telling myself that this is what is best for him. That he really believes that this will help him get into heaven, even if there is no proof, and no evidence to it. But the fact he believes it and holds onto it, everything will be colored by it. So I prayed that God keep him safe, happy, and at peace. I also prayed that God wipe me from his memories...so that he can go back the way he was before...they way his family is forcing him into.
So sad really...he tells me all the problems and issues with the church, but I see him following along. I asked him why follow and just do it...he told me it is what he knows. Funny thing fear...it traps us even when we know better.
Right now I am at peace, but I miss him so much. I want to kiss him, hold him, get in that ass LOL. Had to throw that one in.
I cannot explain it, and I cannot begin to try, but God sent that man into my life. We had all the cards against us meeting, and happening, but it still went down. His safe guards and mine were wiped away. God had something in store for us...
I feel like calling him...I really want to see him tomorrow at school, but I feel he is going to be avoiding me. I just don't know.
My mother and father both told me, that some people can see a way out, and not take it. They can see freedom, release, joy, and greater peace than they ever imagined. But they won't take it because it is a new way of living. They won't take it, because it is scary...they won't take it because some people are just used to the chains that bound them.
Not saying he is bound, but he really believes that everything he is taught right. It makes no sense to me...how can love be wrong. How can commitment, passion, and dedication be wrong. I cannot do anything more, but go forward.
My motto when it comes to him is as long as he says he is happy and at peace I will believe it. I just feel for him...being gay and living in a house where gay bashing occurs. Being in a house and a community where you don't feel comfortable being honest and upfront...not even to your family...not even to those who call you friend, and trust you with so much of themselves.
That is a lonely life...not a spirit filled one. Not in my book anyway. I guess things will go back to the way they were before. His family will be pulling his strings, he will always be hiding and lying to himself, and it will be an ok life. At least church should be interesting...he believes that church is where you really get good stuff. I hope his family learns to love and accept him.
Time to eat and plan my day tomorrow. Got a lot to do. Gotta stay busy or else Van will creep up back in.
J-Bo
P.S. It still amazes me that he believes you cannot be gay and saved when he has been gay and saved his whole life. He has had gay and saved people pray with and for him and he feels blessed. He has been fellowshipping with them since he was born. Lesbians, and Gays have been in his life and teaching him. The fact is that he has been gay his whole life even though he tried to supress and hide it, and saved. He just never realized it.
P.P.S. To make it even more funny he is the typical DL closet gay christian...AND HE IS THE DIRECTOR OF MUSIC!!!! Who said God doesn't have a sense of humor. When his family finds out there will be hell, but this is the same person he has always been. IT"S STUPID!!!
P.P.P.S. My rant is over...time to go.
I guess we all ask that question every once and a while.
The thing that really sucks is that he just accepts what he is doing is right without thinking. I mean I go out look for answers, ask questions...and more importantly I look everywhere and don't judge or form an opinion without hearing all arguements.
He just accepts that what he is doing is right and just. I am not sure where, but there is a scripture in Revelations I believe where it talks about "Christians" who believe they are doing the right thing, and are high and mighty about it.
No way is right except for theirs and they have the answers. It talks about them going to hell, because they assumed that what they were taught or knew was right...instead of seeking and developming a real relationship they had a crowd mentality.
I have to laugh, because at this point and time Van would go ahead and say PREACH!!!! LMAO!!! That would really be interesting...
I keep telling myself that this is what is best for him. That he really believes that this will help him get into heaven, even if there is no proof, and no evidence to it. But the fact he believes it and holds onto it, everything will be colored by it. So I prayed that God keep him safe, happy, and at peace. I also prayed that God wipe me from his memories...so that he can go back the way he was before...they way his family is forcing him into.
So sad really...he tells me all the problems and issues with the church, but I see him following along. I asked him why follow and just do it...he told me it is what he knows. Funny thing fear...it traps us even when we know better.
Right now I am at peace, but I miss him so much. I want to kiss him, hold him, get in that ass LOL. Had to throw that one in.
I cannot explain it, and I cannot begin to try, but God sent that man into my life. We had all the cards against us meeting, and happening, but it still went down. His safe guards and mine were wiped away. God had something in store for us...
I feel like calling him...I really want to see him tomorrow at school, but I feel he is going to be avoiding me. I just don't know.
My mother and father both told me, that some people can see a way out, and not take it. They can see freedom, release, joy, and greater peace than they ever imagined. But they won't take it because it is a new way of living. They won't take it, because it is scary...they won't take it because some people are just used to the chains that bound them.
Not saying he is bound, but he really believes that everything he is taught right. It makes no sense to me...how can love be wrong. How can commitment, passion, and dedication be wrong. I cannot do anything more, but go forward.
My motto when it comes to him is as long as he says he is happy and at peace I will believe it. I just feel for him...being gay and living in a house where gay bashing occurs. Being in a house and a community where you don't feel comfortable being honest and upfront...not even to your family...not even to those who call you friend, and trust you with so much of themselves.
That is a lonely life...not a spirit filled one. Not in my book anyway. I guess things will go back to the way they were before. His family will be pulling his strings, he will always be hiding and lying to himself, and it will be an ok life. At least church should be interesting...he believes that church is where you really get good stuff. I hope his family learns to love and accept him.
Time to eat and plan my day tomorrow. Got a lot to do. Gotta stay busy or else Van will creep up back in.
J-Bo
P.S. It still amazes me that he believes you cannot be gay and saved when he has been gay and saved his whole life. He has had gay and saved people pray with and for him and he feels blessed. He has been fellowshipping with them since he was born. Lesbians, and Gays have been in his life and teaching him. The fact is that he has been gay his whole life even though he tried to supress and hide it, and saved. He just never realized it.
P.P.S. To make it even more funny he is the typical DL closet gay christian...AND HE IS THE DIRECTOR OF MUSIC!!!! Who said God doesn't have a sense of humor. When his family finds out there will be hell, but this is the same person he has always been. IT"S STUPID!!!
P.P.P.S. My rant is over...time to go.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
BREAKUP!!!!!
This is going to be a quick and sad post. Me and my boyfriend broke up again. I think this time it is for good you guys. I mean I love him to death and all, but love has nothing to do with it. I feel in my heart and spirit that everything he is going through right now, is the same thing that pretty much broke up his parents.
I don't know why I am saying that, but something has screamed it in my spirit.
Anyway, we broke up because he is feeling convicted about being gay and being a christian.
He went to a church service tonight, and I knew something was going to happen. He said he has peace, and I am happy for him. It is a shame and it sucks, but that is life.
Guys I am already missing this dude mad hard, but I cannot do it. He needs to go through this. He needs to live, and grow, and mature.
THIS SUCKS!!!!
How can you fight someone that believes God is against everything they are??
Religious beliefs are hard to get past...GOD WHY IS THE CHURCH SO FUCKED UP?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I talked to another friend of mine...another gay christian and he is not happy. HE IS NOT HAPPY!!!! LOL. Gotta love it. I would call my best female friend, but I worry she will be on the war path looking for blood. I am going to finish out this semester strong, graduate, and live my life to the fullest.
Shame though...I wanted so much for us...he wanted so much. WHY ME?!?!?!?!
I just gotta keep the focus on the fact that he is doing the best for himself. I just keep telling myself that he has peace, and will be happy. He wants to be alone, or married to a woman, but that doesn't go well for gay men, so he will stay single. GOD YOU OWE ME!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow at church will be interesting...
I wanted to tell him my business is making some headway and things are looking up...oh well. I at least have my 5-bedroom to look forward to. Either a duplex or not...we shall see. :-)
J-Bo
I don't know why I am saying that, but something has screamed it in my spirit.
Anyway, we broke up because he is feeling convicted about being gay and being a christian.
He went to a church service tonight, and I knew something was going to happen. He said he has peace, and I am happy for him. It is a shame and it sucks, but that is life.
Guys I am already missing this dude mad hard, but I cannot do it. He needs to go through this. He needs to live, and grow, and mature.
THIS SUCKS!!!!
How can you fight someone that believes God is against everything they are??
Religious beliefs are hard to get past...GOD WHY IS THE CHURCH SO FUCKED UP?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
I talked to another friend of mine...another gay christian and he is not happy. HE IS NOT HAPPY!!!! LOL. Gotta love it. I would call my best female friend, but I worry she will be on the war path looking for blood. I am going to finish out this semester strong, graduate, and live my life to the fullest.
Shame though...I wanted so much for us...he wanted so much. WHY ME?!?!?!?!
I just gotta keep the focus on the fact that he is doing the best for himself. I just keep telling myself that he has peace, and will be happy. He wants to be alone, or married to a woman, but that doesn't go well for gay men, so he will stay single. GOD YOU OWE ME!!!!!!!!!
Tomorrow at church will be interesting...
I wanted to tell him my business is making some headway and things are looking up...oh well. I at least have my 5-bedroom to look forward to. Either a duplex or not...we shall see. :-)
J-Bo
SENIOR RECITAL WAS A HIT!!!!!!!
Hello All,
Yesterday I had my senior recital as you all know and it went great. besides a few flubs here and there, and the fact that I destroyed the French language to death IT WAS GREAT!!!!!
I made my aunt and mother so proud, and I saw the tears in their eyes. I really love being on stage, and making people feel and experience what it is that I can do. Thank God that he has given me this gift, because no matter what I do, performing brings it full circle.
I had a great time...wish my boyfriend was there, but what can I do. It is what it is. People called out of work, moved things around, and blew people off to come see me. I feel so blessed...also makes me that much more upset at Van, but what can I say.
He told me he was gonna come and make it up to me. I was looking forward to getting in that ass something serious and have him moan and yell in ecstasy. He told me he was gonna come, and be here for me today, but he also has church today and has to do the music for it. So I knew we would have little to no time and there was a chance I'd be thrown into the back again.
I just got a text from him telling me he can't make it. His family wants him their early and the whole nine. Guess I gotta be the big man stay in the back again.
Not that I don't understand, but I wish he would put me first sometimes...not above God, but I would think I matter. I know I do, but I am venting.
I know he feels like he keeps disappointing me, but I know as long as he is in that house his family has a hold on him. Also making him Minister of Music didn't help because they really have hooks in him, and he really wants to make them so proud.
I got things to do today anyway...I am going to work on my business plans, start planning for more music, some homework, and then hopefully the gym tonight.
Have a great Saturday everyone!!!
J-Bo
Yesterday I had my senior recital as you all know and it went great. besides a few flubs here and there, and the fact that I destroyed the French language to death IT WAS GREAT!!!!!
I made my aunt and mother so proud, and I saw the tears in their eyes. I really love being on stage, and making people feel and experience what it is that I can do. Thank God that he has given me this gift, because no matter what I do, performing brings it full circle.
I had a great time...wish my boyfriend was there, but what can I do. It is what it is. People called out of work, moved things around, and blew people off to come see me. I feel so blessed...also makes me that much more upset at Van, but what can I say.
He told me he was gonna come and make it up to me. I was looking forward to getting in that ass something serious and have him moan and yell in ecstasy. He told me he was gonna come, and be here for me today, but he also has church today and has to do the music for it. So I knew we would have little to no time and there was a chance I'd be thrown into the back again.
I just got a text from him telling me he can't make it. His family wants him their early and the whole nine. Guess I gotta be the big man stay in the back again.
Not that I don't understand, but I wish he would put me first sometimes...not above God, but I would think I matter. I know I do, but I am venting.
I know he feels like he keeps disappointing me, but I know as long as he is in that house his family has a hold on him. Also making him Minister of Music didn't help because they really have hooks in him, and he really wants to make them so proud.
I got things to do today anyway...I am going to work on my business plans, start planning for more music, some homework, and then hopefully the gym tonight.
Have a great Saturday everyone!!!
J-Bo
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Tomorrow is the big day!!!!
Going to be a real short one you guys...I have to get to bed. It is early, but I gotta rest m voice and body for tomorrow. All you singers out there now how important it is to stay hydrated and rested before a big performance.
I had a run through, and I felt it was HORRIBLE!!!!!!! My singing friends and the audience liked it, but I didn't. My voice was giving out on me, so towards 1/2 through it I was done. I was going on 3 hours sleep, and it showed so tonight I need some rest.
Today besides that was a good day. Spent time with my friends, got some work done, and also my boy. He kinda ruined my night for me, but that is just what it is. I am going through a lot mentally and emotionally freaking out, and I wanted to spend some QT time with him today.
I gave him one more chance and he told me he was really tired. I could've pushed, but it was obvious he just wanted to go home so I let him. Oh well...nothing I can do about it now, and I need to rest anyway. I really do wish he would came and spent sometime with me.
I am going to be lulled to sleep with the sweet music of Glee, and wake up shower, rehydrate, and back to bed.
Pray that God deliver me, and work a miracle tomorrow. I am going to need it.
J-Bo
I had a run through, and I felt it was HORRIBLE!!!!!!! My singing friends and the audience liked it, but I didn't. My voice was giving out on me, so towards 1/2 through it I was done. I was going on 3 hours sleep, and it showed so tonight I need some rest.
Today besides that was a good day. Spent time with my friends, got some work done, and also my boy. He kinda ruined my night for me, but that is just what it is. I am going through a lot mentally and emotionally freaking out, and I wanted to spend some QT time with him today.
I gave him one more chance and he told me he was really tired. I could've pushed, but it was obvious he just wanted to go home so I let him. Oh well...nothing I can do about it now, and I need to rest anyway. I really do wish he would came and spent sometime with me.
I am going to be lulled to sleep with the sweet music of Glee, and wake up shower, rehydrate, and back to bed.
Pray that God deliver me, and work a miracle tomorrow. I am going to need it.
J-Bo
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Coming to that day...
I have a full day tomorrow...more stuff to keep memorizing, and I have a run through tomorrow at my college. Thank God my voice teacher is letting me use her class as guinea pigs so I can test out this material, and be ready for Friday.
Sad thing is that I have nothing really to wear, but I am going to work something out. I am so looking forward to getting this day behind me, and having a good time. I have gotten over the fact that people that I counted on being there are going to be blowing me off, but that is life.
I am going to have a great time regardless, and then CRASH!!!!!!
The good news is that I am on point for graduating, but I gotta talk to my music history teacher and make sure that I am making the grade. I haven't been going to class b/c of this recital, but I am so ready.
Where will I be a year from now...stronger, healthier, more in love with Van if he act right and can keep me :-). I'll also be a better musican, friend, son, boyfriend, lover, and Christian.
I can attest that God has brought me a mighty long way, and I am looking forward to having so much fun. I sit now and just wonder at how awesome God is, and how I can still be fed and blessed so much. Don't get me wrong I have a long way to go till my goals are met, but that is the test...can I keep going even when I don't want to.
Now back to memorizing, and making music. Gotta find the motivation to get this business up and running. I know what to do, and I know it will work, but something is holding me back...FEAR!!!!
I swear it is a pain in the ass. Been thinking more and more about my work for God, and this preaching thing doesn't sound like me, but that could be me being resistant. Maybe there are some people that need and want to hear what I have to say...just thinking.
J-Bo
Sad thing is that I have nothing really to wear, but I am going to work something out. I am so looking forward to getting this day behind me, and having a good time. I have gotten over the fact that people that I counted on being there are going to be blowing me off, but that is life.
I am going to have a great time regardless, and then CRASH!!!!!!
The good news is that I am on point for graduating, but I gotta talk to my music history teacher and make sure that I am making the grade. I haven't been going to class b/c of this recital, but I am so ready.
Where will I be a year from now...stronger, healthier, more in love with Van if he act right and can keep me :-). I'll also be a better musican, friend, son, boyfriend, lover, and Christian.
I can attest that God has brought me a mighty long way, and I am looking forward to having so much fun. I sit now and just wonder at how awesome God is, and how I can still be fed and blessed so much. Don't get me wrong I have a long way to go till my goals are met, but that is the test...can I keep going even when I don't want to.
Now back to memorizing, and making music. Gotta find the motivation to get this business up and running. I know what to do, and I know it will work, but something is holding me back...FEAR!!!!
I swear it is a pain in the ass. Been thinking more and more about my work for God, and this preaching thing doesn't sound like me, but that could be me being resistant. Maybe there are some people that need and want to hear what I have to say...just thinking.
J-Bo
Monday, April 16, 2012
Rain On My Parade
Hello all,
Today was a good day. I saw an awesome voice therapist who was giving me some nice compliments...I am a bit of an attention whore. :-)
Van went ahead and mind-fucked me. He made me think he was mad, and was going to just ditch me, but when I got out of the voice therapy lesson he was there. It was a pleasant surprise.
Everything today went pretty good, and I am looking forward to the recital. I am really looking forward to having a good time. Van just told me today that he won't be able to make my senior recital. To say the least it hurt really bad...now I am not mad anymore.
I am disappointed and sad that he is choosing not to come, but that is how it is. I am very annoyed and disappointed, but I am going to be ok. It sucks because if it was the other way around I'd make his without a shadow of a doubt. It also sucks because it would be ok to cancel his rehearsal if it was something that was deemed important by his family.
I forgot to tell you guys that Van is the Director of Music at his church, and he does a damn good job too. I know he got skills. So he has rehearsals on Friday, and you'd think as the Director of Music he has the right to do what he feels he needs to. Not so...rehearsal cannot be canceled for any reason.
But I promise sometime in the next few weeks or so rehearsal will be canceled for some reason. As long as it is a family approved event...
Oh well, I am going to rock the recital, and even if it is just me and a handful of people I am going to perform. I do hope he surprises me, but as much as he wants to be there for me and support me, he kinda doesn't want his family to be mad and talk about him more.
I get put to the back yet again. I sacrifice yet again...that boy is so lucky that I LOVE HIS UNGRATEFUL ASS!!!
Goodnight,
J-Bo
Today was a good day. I saw an awesome voice therapist who was giving me some nice compliments...I am a bit of an attention whore. :-)
Van went ahead and mind-fucked me. He made me think he was mad, and was going to just ditch me, but when I got out of the voice therapy lesson he was there. It was a pleasant surprise.
Everything today went pretty good, and I am looking forward to the recital. I am really looking forward to having a good time. Van just told me today that he won't be able to make my senior recital. To say the least it hurt really bad...now I am not mad anymore.
I am disappointed and sad that he is choosing not to come, but that is how it is. I am very annoyed and disappointed, but I am going to be ok. It sucks because if it was the other way around I'd make his without a shadow of a doubt. It also sucks because it would be ok to cancel his rehearsal if it was something that was deemed important by his family.
I forgot to tell you guys that Van is the Director of Music at his church, and he does a damn good job too. I know he got skills. So he has rehearsals on Friday, and you'd think as the Director of Music he has the right to do what he feels he needs to. Not so...rehearsal cannot be canceled for any reason.
But I promise sometime in the next few weeks or so rehearsal will be canceled for some reason. As long as it is a family approved event...
Oh well, I am going to rock the recital, and even if it is just me and a handful of people I am going to perform. I do hope he surprises me, but as much as he wants to be there for me and support me, he kinda doesn't want his family to be mad and talk about him more.
I get put to the back yet again. I sacrifice yet again...that boy is so lucky that I LOVE HIS UNGRATEFUL ASS!!!
Goodnight,
J-Bo
German, French, and Italian...
Hello All,
I had a great time yesterday. It was a day full of music and just talking with some really great people. I am getting all my music down, but with 4 days to go before my recital I am feeling the pinch, but at this point I am just ready for it to be over. I ready to have fun, and just ROCK IT OUT!!!!! :-)
Side note: My boyfriend told me some very disturbing things about his church that did kinda bum me out. It was just pure prejudice, hate, and bigotry. It makes me sad as a Christian, to hear young men and women of God talk and plan such hateful things. Just shows me how far we have to go, and how the problem isn't an external one, but the fact the body of Christ is being poisoned from the inside.
It is like someone eating themselves to death, or smoking, or drinking. They are killing themselves without abandon.
On the other side Van is freaking out about graduating, but I know he can pull it around and get a grade good enough to at least pass the class and move on. I want him to kick ass in the class, but at this point we both just want to be out so I am all for just passing and moving on. I did it with my chemistry class...I begged my teachers to pass me, saying I needed it to graduate and move on. He gave me a C. =)
Time to get my day started. Gotta drive my father to the airport. I am in a big need for a vacation and I haven't been back to the Islands in about 3-4 years now. I miss the beach, food, and my West Indian people.
Still working on my businesses, I gotta get back into the gym, and MY MUSIC!!!!!
Everyone have a great day, and let's make our dreams happen.
J-Bo
I had a great time yesterday. It was a day full of music and just talking with some really great people. I am getting all my music down, but with 4 days to go before my recital I am feeling the pinch, but at this point I am just ready for it to be over. I ready to have fun, and just ROCK IT OUT!!!!! :-)
Side note: My boyfriend told me some very disturbing things about his church that did kinda bum me out. It was just pure prejudice, hate, and bigotry. It makes me sad as a Christian, to hear young men and women of God talk and plan such hateful things. Just shows me how far we have to go, and how the problem isn't an external one, but the fact the body of Christ is being poisoned from the inside.
It is like someone eating themselves to death, or smoking, or drinking. They are killing themselves without abandon.
On the other side Van is freaking out about graduating, but I know he can pull it around and get a grade good enough to at least pass the class and move on. I want him to kick ass in the class, but at this point we both just want to be out so I am all for just passing and moving on. I did it with my chemistry class...I begged my teachers to pass me, saying I needed it to graduate and move on. He gave me a C. =)
Time to get my day started. Gotta drive my father to the airport. I am in a big need for a vacation and I haven't been back to the Islands in about 3-4 years now. I miss the beach, food, and my West Indian people.
Still working on my businesses, I gotta get back into the gym, and MY MUSIC!!!!!
Everyone have a great day, and let's make our dreams happen.
J-Bo
Thursday, April 12, 2012
OVERLOAD!!!!!!
All I can say is that I am feeling the burn. I have so many things that I want to do, and need to do that it isn't even funny.
Last night some friends of mine call me to say it is an emergency and come to the hospital. So I head over to Brooklyn all the way from the BX...for all of you who don't know that is not an easy trip in the middle of the night. Thank God for zipcar!!!!
So I get there and I find out that his girl is pregnant and ready to pop, but the main issue was that his appendix burst. So I am in the hospital and this man is screaming and crying out for drugs and the sweet release of death. I am not kidding...it was funny.
So I offer to take his girl home...I drive her 1/2 way and we get stuck in traffic. This trick decides to let her water break and starts delivering in the car. Thank God there was a police car not too far, and he came to the rescue.
Now I have seen my fair share of births...I mean it is what it is, but this one was brutal. I saw things ripping, and fluids all over the place. Thank God I am not a woman...that shit is crazy. From all the close calls I have had I am happy none of them went through...not only was I not ready, but knowing what I know now being with a woman would be ok, but it is not for me.
My current boyfriend calls me gay, but I always claimed to be bisexual. That was my way of coping with my sexuality...I made sure to have sex with plenty of women so that I could keep that title of bisexual. We will call my man Van, it's easier than saying the title. Van grew up knowing he was gay, his family knowing it, but everyone trying to sweep it under the rug, so we are dealing with that drama now.
Back to the story:
I get home and just collapse not realizing that I would get 3 hours of sleep. I am so tired right now. You guys remember from a past post I told Van that I will give him time to clear some stuff off his plate...the sad thing is that he will always be busy. People are always busy, but they make it work. So when I see him I am going to have to let him have it.
I promised him this time to himself so I will keep my word, but he wants to be with me. He needs me and I need him, but I won't be put to the back. I have school, work, friends, family, fitness stuff, personal time with God, and business goals, and HIM. I make time for everything, and no one feels left out. He has just as much on his plate, but he is seeing me as a distraction rather than a blessing and a way for him to stay balanced. Not his fault...he is a bit of a pessimist at times.
But after last night and seeing what and how people live I am convinced of one thing...this will not fly again. I am not asking for 24/7 time and commitment, but I am worth more than 15 mins a week...he knows that and I know it. So believe you me, after 06-01-12 we will define what we want and expect from each other...and if possible earlier. I don't want him thinking that this is cool...he is an adult and he can do this...
Now if anyone would be willing to give me an ear piece and feed me the lyrics to my music that would be a life saver. My dumb ass wanted to do French, German, and Italian...oh well. I can do it, and I see that I really have a knack for this. While helping Van stand up and see his future for what he wanted, I am doing the same.
J-Bo
P.S. I have the best Dad EVER!!!!!! He told me this morning to go out and take chances and take risk. He said to take the world by storm, and don't be worried about the consequences...to focus on the end goal, and cherish every moment. Love that man!!!!
Last night some friends of mine call me to say it is an emergency and come to the hospital. So I head over to Brooklyn all the way from the BX...for all of you who don't know that is not an easy trip in the middle of the night. Thank God for zipcar!!!!
So I get there and I find out that his girl is pregnant and ready to pop, but the main issue was that his appendix burst. So I am in the hospital and this man is screaming and crying out for drugs and the sweet release of death. I am not kidding...it was funny.
So I offer to take his girl home...I drive her 1/2 way and we get stuck in traffic. This trick decides to let her water break and starts delivering in the car. Thank God there was a police car not too far, and he came to the rescue.
Now I have seen my fair share of births...I mean it is what it is, but this one was brutal. I saw things ripping, and fluids all over the place. Thank God I am not a woman...that shit is crazy. From all the close calls I have had I am happy none of them went through...not only was I not ready, but knowing what I know now being with a woman would be ok, but it is not for me.
My current boyfriend calls me gay, but I always claimed to be bisexual. That was my way of coping with my sexuality...I made sure to have sex with plenty of women so that I could keep that title of bisexual. We will call my man Van, it's easier than saying the title. Van grew up knowing he was gay, his family knowing it, but everyone trying to sweep it under the rug, so we are dealing with that drama now.
Back to the story:
I get home and just collapse not realizing that I would get 3 hours of sleep. I am so tired right now. You guys remember from a past post I told Van that I will give him time to clear some stuff off his plate...the sad thing is that he will always be busy. People are always busy, but they make it work. So when I see him I am going to have to let him have it.
I promised him this time to himself so I will keep my word, but he wants to be with me. He needs me and I need him, but I won't be put to the back. I have school, work, friends, family, fitness stuff, personal time with God, and business goals, and HIM. I make time for everything, and no one feels left out. He has just as much on his plate, but he is seeing me as a distraction rather than a blessing and a way for him to stay balanced. Not his fault...he is a bit of a pessimist at times.
But after last night and seeing what and how people live I am convinced of one thing...this will not fly again. I am not asking for 24/7 time and commitment, but I am worth more than 15 mins a week...he knows that and I know it. So believe you me, after 06-01-12 we will define what we want and expect from each other...and if possible earlier. I don't want him thinking that this is cool...he is an adult and he can do this...
Now if anyone would be willing to give me an ear piece and feed me the lyrics to my music that would be a life saver. My dumb ass wanted to do French, German, and Italian...oh well. I can do it, and I see that I really have a knack for this. While helping Van stand up and see his future for what he wanted, I am doing the same.
J-Bo
P.S. I have the best Dad EVER!!!!!! He told me this morning to go out and take chances and take risk. He said to take the world by storm, and don't be worried about the consequences...to focus on the end goal, and cherish every moment. Love that man!!!!
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Made a decision
So I called my man and had a real heart to heart. I had to drag the truth out of him, and make him say what was on his mind. We both are planning on graduating this year, and he told me that wih everything going on in his life he cannot give too much to our relationship.
Now all you out there know that if you don't take care of your significant others needs someone else will, but I ain't that kind of guy. I love my man, and we are just going through a dry spell. So I have to be strong, because when we go through another one and it is my reasons for putting us in one, I want him to understand.
These periods come and go...just gotta have some patience.
I told him that until we graduate and everything with school is behind us I will accept 15 mins tops of quality time. I also told him that I will leave all phone communications up to him.
Now I know that you guys don't know me, but this was easy and not easy for me to say. I mean I want him around, but I understand that he is feeling the pinch and has alot to do...I just wish he woulda told me that before.
So I will give him his time to focus on what he needs to in order to get past this.
I asked him if he wanted to break up, and he said no because he'll just end up with me again, and he is right. We really do love each other. I just told him that use this time and kick ass with what you need to. I also had to tell him that when all this is done, we will make time for each other...this means a lot to both of us, and it makes no sense taking it for granted.
He is worried that it won't be enough for me, but I do have my own stuff to throw my energy into. I have school work, fitness goals, and business goals to meet. I can always make time for him, and he can for me too, but he has a lot on his plate. What kind of man would I be if I didn't see that and support him...
That is all for tonight...
J-Bo
Now all you out there know that if you don't take care of your significant others needs someone else will, but I ain't that kind of guy. I love my man, and we are just going through a dry spell. So I have to be strong, because when we go through another one and it is my reasons for putting us in one, I want him to understand.
These periods come and go...just gotta have some patience.
I told him that until we graduate and everything with school is behind us I will accept 15 mins tops of quality time. I also told him that I will leave all phone communications up to him.
Now I know that you guys don't know me, but this was easy and not easy for me to say. I mean I want him around, but I understand that he is feeling the pinch and has alot to do...I just wish he woulda told me that before.
So I will give him his time to focus on what he needs to in order to get past this.
I asked him if he wanted to break up, and he said no because he'll just end up with me again, and he is right. We really do love each other. I just told him that use this time and kick ass with what you need to. I also had to tell him that when all this is done, we will make time for each other...this means a lot to both of us, and it makes no sense taking it for granted.
He is worried that it won't be enough for me, but I do have my own stuff to throw my energy into. I have school work, fitness goals, and business goals to meet. I can always make time for him, and he can for me too, but he has a lot on his plate. What kind of man would I be if I didn't see that and support him...
That is all for tonight...
J-Bo
Hello World...
I used to have a blog sometime ago, but this another crack at it. I feel like I am dying inside and need to get this out.
I am a young black gay man. That isn't the problem. I actually have no problems and no complaints. There are somethings that I wish where different and better, but that is life. We are always striving for more and more to be done.
I am going to start with saying I have the best boyfriend in the world. I really love this man with everything that I am, and everything that I have. I know he feels the same about me, and it makes me feel like the happiest man ever.
If I was to say one problem it is his religious convictions. We both are Christians, and he spent all his life hiding from who he is, and I have already come to terms with who I am. It is the one thing that bothers me, because it is always hanging over our heads.
I have taken to asking him every week, after Sunday, to see how he is feeling emotionally and mentally on the gay front. He has told me that he is doing ok, but I have to stay on top of this. I don't want him to hurt us again, by letting his emotions and conditioning take control.
I know that some of you who read this will not have a problem with gay christians and some will, but that is life. All I want to do is love and be loved...guess what?? God saw fit to give it to me. I am so blessed.
That is that side of things...now for me to vent.
I am a musician studying classical voice...I have a recital coming up soon, and some friends including my boyfriend comes to the run through. I was really looking forward to seeing him today and spending sometime with him. He told me that he would spend the day with me, and we can have some us time. We were suppose to meet before 12pm, but he came after 3pm and then just up and left.
The plan was for us to be together, but he took the car knowing that they wanted him to bring it back early. I just feel defeated. I feel like crying. He isn't as close and intimate a person as I am, so I can understand that he can go days without touching, and holding and kissing.
I FEEL LIKE I AM STARVING!!!!!!!
I am a big person that believes in being on time...he doesn't. I believe in communication and being there emotionally and physically...he doesn't. The funny thing is that this won't change until someone else brings it up to him, or he sees it for himself.
I know he loves me, but I am dying. We have such a good thing going. I don't want anyone to think that I don't cherish the man because I do, but honestly I am so hurt sometimes.
I honor and love that man, and make sure he knows that I value him. I just feel like I am being taken advantage of...I feel like he is taking me for granted. I am his first real relationship and his first sexual partner...sometimes I feel he is still testing me, and seeing if I am worthy of his love or something like that.
I am just venting, but I need to get this stuff out. I told him that I won't hold him to anymore time commitments, and that I won't ask him to communicate with me. Guys I am just hurting...the sad thing is that he is probably thinking I want out of the relationship and I am done with him. He doesn't know that relationships have ups and downs and we will get through this.
As much as he makes me mad I am totally in love with him. He makes me better...he makes me stronger. He forces me to face things and be a champion versus a victim.
No worries though I am going to continue to give 110%...I am going to shower that man with so much love and passion that he will never ever doubt how I feel. I am going to work hard at not sweating the small stuff. I so badly wanted this man to hold me, hug me, kiss me. You'd think I was the passive one, but I am not. I am just a real intimate person.
I am not sure if I am going to see him again this week, but I will talk to him. I am going to make it a point to continue to make sure he feels loved, cherished, honored, and blessed. I will have to do something about my needs and wants. He meets them, but it is real infrequent...it is hard b/c he ahs a very controlling family.
Once he moves out it will be better, but until then I am going channel my feelings and emotions into my music, workouts, and business goals. I know some of you will be like CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT, but I love him too much for that, and I hold myself to higher standards. I'll just meet me needs in other ways, until he remembers that I need things from him, and he remembers to give it to me. :-)
The rest of my post shouldn't be this long, but I got alot to say. I gotta work on learning these German, French, and Italian more. Recital is coming up. It did feel good to see him there supporting me...I felt like I made him proud and touched him deeply. I'm going to call him and let him know how much it meant for me that he was there.
Until Next Time.
J-Bo
I am a young black gay man. That isn't the problem. I actually have no problems and no complaints. There are somethings that I wish where different and better, but that is life. We are always striving for more and more to be done.
I am going to start with saying I have the best boyfriend in the world. I really love this man with everything that I am, and everything that I have. I know he feels the same about me, and it makes me feel like the happiest man ever.
If I was to say one problem it is his religious convictions. We both are Christians, and he spent all his life hiding from who he is, and I have already come to terms with who I am. It is the one thing that bothers me, because it is always hanging over our heads.
I have taken to asking him every week, after Sunday, to see how he is feeling emotionally and mentally on the gay front. He has told me that he is doing ok, but I have to stay on top of this. I don't want him to hurt us again, by letting his emotions and conditioning take control.
I know that some of you who read this will not have a problem with gay christians and some will, but that is life. All I want to do is love and be loved...guess what?? God saw fit to give it to me. I am so blessed.
That is that side of things...now for me to vent.
I am a musician studying classical voice...I have a recital coming up soon, and some friends including my boyfriend comes to the run through. I was really looking forward to seeing him today and spending sometime with him. He told me that he would spend the day with me, and we can have some us time. We were suppose to meet before 12pm, but he came after 3pm and then just up and left.
The plan was for us to be together, but he took the car knowing that they wanted him to bring it back early. I just feel defeated. I feel like crying. He isn't as close and intimate a person as I am, so I can understand that he can go days without touching, and holding and kissing.
I FEEL LIKE I AM STARVING!!!!!!!
I am a big person that believes in being on time...he doesn't. I believe in communication and being there emotionally and physically...he doesn't. The funny thing is that this won't change until someone else brings it up to him, or he sees it for himself.
I know he loves me, but I am dying. We have such a good thing going. I don't want anyone to think that I don't cherish the man because I do, but honestly I am so hurt sometimes.
I honor and love that man, and make sure he knows that I value him. I just feel like I am being taken advantage of...I feel like he is taking me for granted. I am his first real relationship and his first sexual partner...sometimes I feel he is still testing me, and seeing if I am worthy of his love or something like that.
I am just venting, but I need to get this stuff out. I told him that I won't hold him to anymore time commitments, and that I won't ask him to communicate with me. Guys I am just hurting...the sad thing is that he is probably thinking I want out of the relationship and I am done with him. He doesn't know that relationships have ups and downs and we will get through this.
As much as he makes me mad I am totally in love with him. He makes me better...he makes me stronger. He forces me to face things and be a champion versus a victim.
No worries though I am going to continue to give 110%...I am going to shower that man with so much love and passion that he will never ever doubt how I feel. I am going to work hard at not sweating the small stuff. I so badly wanted this man to hold me, hug me, kiss me. You'd think I was the passive one, but I am not. I am just a real intimate person.
I am not sure if I am going to see him again this week, but I will talk to him. I am going to make it a point to continue to make sure he feels loved, cherished, honored, and blessed. I will have to do something about my needs and wants. He meets them, but it is real infrequent...it is hard b/c he ahs a very controlling family.
Once he moves out it will be better, but until then I am going channel my feelings and emotions into my music, workouts, and business goals. I know some of you will be like CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT, but I love him too much for that, and I hold myself to higher standards. I'll just meet me needs in other ways, until he remembers that I need things from him, and he remembers to give it to me. :-)
The rest of my post shouldn't be this long, but I got alot to say. I gotta work on learning these German, French, and Italian more. Recital is coming up. It did feel good to see him there supporting me...I felt like I made him proud and touched him deeply. I'm going to call him and let him know how much it meant for me that he was there.
Until Next Time.
J-Bo
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