God is still GREAT!!!

Today at church was interesting. As soon as I got in the building and took my seat I started to cry. I just asked God why?!?!?! WHY ME?!?!?!!?!?

I guess we all ask that question every once and a while.

The thing that really sucks is that he just accepts what he is doing is right without thinking. I mean I go out look for answers, ask questions...and more importantly I look everywhere and don't judge or form an opinion without hearing all arguements.

He just accepts that what he is doing is right and just. I am not sure where, but there is a scripture in Revelations I believe where it talks about "Christians" who believe they are doing the right thing, and are high and mighty about it.

No way is right except for theirs and they have the answers. It talks about them going to hell, because they assumed that what they were taught or knew was right...instead of seeking and developming a real relationship they had a crowd mentality.

I have to laugh, because at this point and time Van would go ahead and say PREACH!!!! LMAO!!! That would really be interesting...

I keep telling myself that this is what is best for him. That he really believes that this will help him get into heaven, even if there is no proof, and no evidence to it. But the fact he believes it and holds onto it, everything will be colored by it. So I prayed that God keep him safe, happy, and at peace. I also prayed that God wipe me from his memories...so that he can go back the way he was before...they way his family is forcing him into.

So sad really...he tells me all the problems and issues with the church, but I see him following along. I asked him why follow and just do it...he told me it is what he knows. Funny thing fear...it traps us even when we know better.

Right now I am at peace, but I miss him so much. I want to kiss him, hold him, get in that ass LOL. Had to throw that one in.

I cannot explain it, and I cannot begin to try, but God sent that man into my life. We had all the cards against us meeting, and happening, but it still went down. His safe guards and mine were wiped away. God had something in store for us...

I feel like calling him...I really want to see him tomorrow at school, but I feel he is going to be avoiding me. I just don't know.

My mother and father both told me, that some people can see a way out, and not take it. They can see freedom, release, joy, and greater peace than they ever imagined. But they won't take it because it is a new way of living. They won't take it, because it is scary...they won't take it because some people are just used to the chains that bound them.

Not saying he is bound, but he really believes that everything he is taught right. It makes no sense to me...how can love be wrong. How can commitment, passion, and dedication be wrong. I cannot do anything more, but go forward.

My motto when it comes to him is as long as he says he is happy and at peace I will believe it. I just feel for him...being gay and living in a house where gay bashing occurs. Being in a house and a community where you don't feel comfortable being honest and upfront...not even to your family...not even to those who call you friend, and trust you with so much of themselves.

That is a lonely life...not a spirit filled one. Not in my book anyway. I guess things will go back to the way they were before. His family will be pulling his strings, he will always be hiding and lying to himself, and it will be an ok life. At least church should be interesting...he believes that church is where you really get good stuff. I hope his family learns to love and accept him.

Time to eat and plan my day tomorrow. Got a lot to do. Gotta stay busy or else Van will creep up back in.

J-Bo

P.S. It still amazes me that he believes you cannot be gay and saved when he has been gay and saved his whole life. He has had gay and saved people pray with and for him and he feels blessed. He has been fellowshipping with them since he was born. Lesbians, and Gays have been in his life and teaching him. The fact is that he has been gay his whole life even though he tried to supress and hide it, and saved. He just never realized it.

P.P.S. To make it even more funny he is the typical DL closet gay christian...AND HE IS THE DIRECTOR OF MUSIC!!!! Who said God doesn't have a sense of humor. When his family finds out there will be hell, but this is the same person he has always been. IT"S STUPID!!!

P.P.P.S. My rant is over...time to go.