To wait or not to wait...that is the question.

I need some help people. I spent time with 2 of the big 3...my best friends period!!! We talked about all of our lives and just laid everything out.

I am so confused as to what to do with Van...I am so in love with him. But I have to know my worth and I have to realize that maybe he doesn't want to move forward. I am more than willing to wait and be there for him, but I have no idea how long it will take. My professor told me he did this same thing till he was in his 40s...during that time he tried being married to a woman, but it didn't help. He is now married to a great man whom he loves.

Everyone including Van sees us being married and together, but he has so much fear. He is really scared about going to hell, and he is so ready to just rest in what he was taught. I don't see him wanting to put in the work, to see things. He always felt that what he was taught is always right, even though on many occasions he has said it is not.

My friend Nora told me that there are no men like me. The things I am willing to do, and as far as I go I deserve someone that will treat me accordingly. I feel that Van does that, but he is so scared and insecure in himself that it gets in the way.

Bottom line I want the man back, but I need him to be a man. I was talking to this older guy about it, and he told me wait till Van is 26 and has come into his own and then we can move forward. It could be 10 days and this man could make a change, and it could be 60 years. Or he could live his life in shame and in the closet forever always being scared.

I want so much for him. I will always be here for him...I have to be. I am that kind of guy. I am really scared that he will get kicked out of his house and be homeless, so I have to make sure if it comes to that he can have one of my 5 bedrooms. I love him too much to let him just suffer like that.

Please any advice...any at all.

J-Bo

P.S. I am missing him mad hard, but I really told myself mad hard that he is happy and at peace. That it is for the best for him, and all the bad things that are coming will hurt him. He will doubt himself, and I am worried about him. When I went through it, I almost was to the point at giving up.

P.P.S. Hanging out with the Big 3 is so refreshing. I have friends that I can count on and they know and love me. Louis told me it is sad and regrettable that he is around people he doesn't feel safe and comfortable with that he can't be honest and open. He said that is not God...God is not fear, insecurity, hate, and so much more. Louis says when he is ready he will remember the man I am and the man he can be, and then he will make the move.