Thursday, May 31, 2012

What the hell was I talking about?!?!?!?! :-)

I don't know what the hell I was talking about in my last post. I was going crazy...I let the negativity get to me. I see what happened as a test to see if I was strong enough to be here...and I am ashamed to say that I failed at first.

But thank God that I am strong enough to bounce back. I came to a place where I need more balance, and I got it. I don't know what the hell I was talking about?!?!?!

I was bugging out. There is no way in hell all that stuff is true.

Of course, Van loves me...he is just doing what he feels is best for him and I cannot blame him. It really came around when I had to help a friend, and it actually helped me.

Thank God I have you guys to talk to...if I was to say that stuff to someone else I would've been cursed out. I mean Mack and Corey did, and so did Tony, but wow...I was an idiot.

So on another note I walked across the stage at graduation...and it was really fun. I am glad I went, and I rehearsed the national anthem. It was really cool. I had the crew line up to shake my hand and tell me what a great job I did.

I am looking forward to tomorrow, and I went ahead and picked up my father. He already said that the car is mine starting tomorrow. :-)

God I am so blessed, but I have so much work to do.

Till next time guys.

I want to say sorry you guys had to read that last post...I am thinking of deleting it, but I want to be transparent...the good and the bad. So I leave it up to remind all of you guys that even the strong fall and have stupid times.

Shows you that it is ok...old habits die hard and you need to just be strong.

J-Bo

Not sure how to feel...I just feel numb.

This is going to be short. I have to rush to school to get.

I had a dream last night that just made me numb. I don't feel bad, I don't feel sad, and I don't feel anything about it.

The dream was about Van of course. It was all these people telling me he never loved me. That he could care less about me. The people were saying that when graduation happens, he will never talk to me again. That he will cut me off, and treat me like a diseased hand.

They said he will cut off all contacts. The my number is blocked, and he is treating my blog like it doesn't exist. The people in my dream said that facebook is one thing he will keep just to keep up appearances, but he has me so that he sees nothing I do.

After Friday I am dead to him. I want to call Pastor, Tony, the kids, everyone and ask them why. I just want to know.

At first I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to see it...I mean how could love be wrong. I know that it isn't but when I woke up I asked God and I heard back that he hates me. That he doesn't care about me...that he would pass me in the street and treat me like I don't exist.

I could be on my death bed, and he would make it a point not to come, and if he did it would just be to tell me that I am going to hell, and that I lived my life as a disgrace.

I asked God why...all I heard back was that he doesn't love you, never did, and you don't exist to him. You are a disease in his life.

I am going to be sick...how can he hate me?? What did I do?? Why would God say these things??

God told me that everything I brought into this man's life he is treating as trash. That I have done nothing but brought him down, and made him feel dirty and disgusting. That the real reason I am not going to his graduation party isn't because of his family. It's because of him...it's because he sees me as death.

I really believed him. It felt so sincere and honest, but obviously it wasn't. I really thought I meant more to him that that...

I want to know why God would say such a thing, but I guess it is what it is. He hates me. I am already dead to him, and he could care less about me.

I have to leave now for my departmental graduation, rehearsal for commencement, and then to get my suits, and pick up my father from the airport.

Talk to you guys later.

What really hurts is that God said I could be on my death bed, in a real serious accident, or about to go into a life and death procedure, and he won't even care. I mean why?!?!?!

I don't want to believe it...I don't want to believe that it is true, but God says it is true. God spoke to me, and he sent me an image of me walking in the path of a car, and he would let me. He'd say whatever happens to him happens to him...it is his life.

I need to stop talking about this. I am going to be off the grid for a while you guys. A break from all things social media and my phone. If it is not about money and my business than I am not doing it.

I totally forgot that he told me that would read my stuff, but I guess that is done. :-(

I will still write to you guys...you guys seem to care even though you know not even anything about me, and Van knows so much. So no social media, and no phone. Leaving it home from now on...

The sad thing is that if anything was happening or wrong with him, I'd still be there. He could always count on me, but I couldn't even get a cup of cold water.

I keep on wanting to hear something different, but I hear God telling me clearly.,.. (his whole name) hates you, and would see you dead then in his life. He doesn't care about you, and never did. He never loved you, and it was all a lie. 

Ok...lemme leave. I am running real late.

Going to try to keep a smile on my face.

J-Bo

P.S. Not sure how long I will be off the grid...I gotta talk to my friends, and maybe they can tell me something.

P.P.S. I don't want to believe it is God. I don't want to. Since he has already threw me from his life I am going to ask my friends to not bring my name up. To just pretend I am a bad memory. To make it seem like I never really existed. I need a vacation in the worst way.

P.P.P.S. I still cannot believe he feels that way about me. I was so blind and so stupid. If he was to ever need a friend no matter how many years or what happened all he would have to do is call, e-mail, text, or whatever. There is always a way to reach me, or there is always someone who can reach me. Why would that kind of character been seen as something to hate and despise. I need  a break.

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

My Transformation...My Testimony

Hello all...my name is Mark G.

I see what my boy is doing here, and I wanted to share my story with all of you. I know that a lot of people out there are broken. I want to give you guys my testimony...my transformation and tell you guys how good my God is.

To start I want to give you guys a little background. I grew up in the apostolic pentecostal faith. The denomination that I grew up in is UPCI and yes I am white. I am 65 years old, and I grew up in a very holy and sanctified house, but a very "interesting" house.

I grew up wanting to be an entrepreneur...but my family are all educators, scientist, and great thinkers. I was always one to do what my family wanted me to do...I spent 30 years of my life living in their shadow, and I was so happy being there. I doubled majored in mechanical engineering, and biomedical engineering.

Yes people I am a freak of nature like that...and even though I was good at it I was never really into it. I was doing it because I needed something to do, and my family was pushing for it. I only ever wanted to make them happy.

Funny thing is that as long as I lived how they felt I should I was ok, but the first sign of me doing my own thing I was treated like an animal. I am a great poet, and would go to poerty jams. Of course that was seen as a waste of time, and all my poetry friends were of the devil.

When I graduated I cut off ties with them, because I felt it was the right thing to do. I did it for my family. I always just believed what they believed told me...it was easier than thinking for myself. I didn't have a lot of faith in myself, and my family seemed so sure.

If they went left so did I; if they went right so did I. It was an "interesting" existence to say the least.

Long story short I was still doing what they wanted, when they wanted. There was this girl that I met that blew my mind in graduate school. She became my best friend and my lover. The two years we spent together was my most craziest ever.

I love her so much. But my family didn't like her because she was part of my poetry crew and they felt they were no good. I kept trying to get away from her, but she was always in my life. Here was this girl that was radical in everything that she did.

From how she talked about life, her dreams, goals, God, and everything else. She is like a bohemian flower child.

Long story short I kept her at arms length...I felt I had to...I know it made my family happy to know that she wasn't in my life, but I wanted her in my life. Yes a grown man like me was being manipulated as if I was still a child.

Now I was like this for a year and change. It wasn't until I got into a car accident and my life was almost taken from me that my eyes opened. Here I am living life playing it safe, and my life was almost taken from me.

I was in a coma for a month, and my neck and back were broken. It took me 8 weeks to heal, and get back on my feet. When I did I had a new attitude. I was so scared before, and followed someone elses lead.

From that point on I took my life into my hands. Now 35 years later I have 3 business that turn out over $10,000,000 a year. I have the freedom to do all the things I want to, and help all those I want. I also have the free time to do my poetry, and it turns out I am very good.

I just got published and it is doing fairly well. Not that I need the money or fame, but I love sharing my art. My family still feels like I am wasting my time, though they have no problem cashing my checks, and taking my gifts. :-)

I am married to that woman now for 35 years, and we have 3 great children. All of my kids are married. One of them is gay and he was so scared to tell me that he even tried to commit suicide. When all was said and done, he is now happy and healthy married to a great guy, that I am proud to call son.

My life is so much better. And it all stemmed from an accident. God had to get my attention, and honestly I almost took that accident to mean I need to go even more into the way I used to be, but the proof is in the pudding.

My life is a true example and joy. I had to just live and hold nothing back, and everything that scared me...everything that made me feel sick and bad and painful (not drugs and stuff like that of course) I went out and did.

I started going back to poetry nights...I performed more and more. I got back with my girl (now wife) even though we never really broke up. Long story. :-)

I quit from my job, started my businesses, got a passport, and the rest is history. I just want all of you to go out and live a life you choose. God is on your side. Trust who you are and don't let others tell you different. Read and study the word for yourself, and develop a relationship. Really go in and study.

I love you all.

Mark G.

Nobody Knows...The Trouble I've Seen...but it gets better. :-D

So I got a lot on my mind. I just realized that tomorrow I have the chance to walk across the stage, for my departmental graduation, but I didn't realize what it was. So I have to decide if I am going to walk tomorrow and I have less than 11 hours to decide.

What the hell am I am going to do?

On a side note I had a great time today hanging out with this new set of cast mates. We ended off by singing some songs in harmony and it was real nice...I am getting better and better the more I practice. :-)

I am going to have so much fun...I might even get to chance to work with another show that is going to be traveling...tell me God ain't good. I know I am not ready, but if I was to wait until I am ready then I wouldn't get very far.

Also I got most of my spirituals from my voice teacher, and I have my arias, and oratorios already...so basically I have work to do. And I have these other songs to learn for these shows...God I love my life.

I told my parents, and they said go and do me, but to make sure I handle my business. My mother wants me to hold back and do things her way, but my father respects me going for my dreams. They both support me, and I am going to run with it.

We sat down and watched Hairspray as a crew, and rehearsals are suppose to start on Saturday, so I am looking forward to that.

God help me there are 2 hot guys in this play that are gay...but they are like Van...masculine yet feminine. Not so much but enough where you can tell, but they got so much going for them...the confidence and strength and assurance. Sexy!!!!

And there is this chick who is not really my type, but boy can she sing and perform...I am attracted to her talent, but that is ok. I'll behave myself. :-)

On a side note a famous African American opera singer is getting her honorary doctorate at my college. She may also be present there, and she may hear me sing. Now I am really nervous, but also excited. I always felt honored, but I hid it because I was freaked out a lil.

I am just getting all these opportunities and I thank God for them...I am so not worthy, but something about me must be great. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. This song came to me...not sure why.

P.P.S. The next post will be from a friend that survived a car crash and his life is 100% different and better. I am so proud of him...I look forward to you guys reading his post.

3 out 4 and most don't know it!!!!

I want to start this post first with the whole man eating another man's face. What the hell is that about!?!?

Now I know a lot of people are acting in fear and I have this peace over me. God is not a God of fear and confusion, but so many people act in fear. So sad that they are being manipulated.

Now on the other side of things, I want to talk about how this statistic is crazy, and proving to be more right as time goes by.

It is said that 1 out of 4 has HIV and they don't even know it, or they have been exposed to the virus. Now I know some new research on HIV, but we will get to that at another time.

Now if those results are not bad enough it goes up to 3 out of 4 people have been exposed to just about any STI that is out there. WTF?!?!?!!?!?

I mean that takes the wind right out of having sex...which is cool because I don't want random sex...I want intimacy and sex in a relationship. God needs to bring me someone, but the fact is that they can have something.

I had it very good in Van...I had a lot in him, and most importantly I was safe.

Oh well. So everyone 3 out of 4 has something. Is it you?? Please go get checked asap and on the regular. It is not a game out there.

Now I am off to the court systems and see about this damn jury duty. I'll let you guys know later how everything goes. I got a big day. There are these 2 guys in the play that are gay, and they are too cute. Van would stare and just lick his lips...or maybe not. He prefers ruggedly handsome, and i prefer more pretty boy.

Which is why we fit...used to fit, but that is neither here nor there.

Anyway these two men are so fine...one of them I know is gay, and the other is too I think. I am so scared about someone having something.

I got a phone call from a friend this morning telling me he got herpes from someone that had no signs of the disease and no outbreak. But guess what...he still caught it even though she had it taken care of.

What the hell am I suppose to do?!?!? I am in love with a man who works to not love me back, until his family supports him (dead-end there until he can stand up as his own man) and I live in a world where ppl are walking around with disease out the ass!!!!

Oh well...lemme get outta here.

Enjoy your day everyone.

J-Bo


Graduation Party Woes!!!! :-(

Forgive me for this you guys I need to vent.

I was chatting with Van on facebook chat, and he told me that he really wants me at his party. I believe him. I know some of you are thinking that he doesn't really want me there, but one thing is undeniable...that man loves me and he wants me in his life. He just has to make peace with that.

But besides all that good stuff, he tells me he is scared.

He is scared of what others may see and perceive, and he is scared of what people will say.

I mean they are already talking about this man behind his back, but I understand...he cares a lot about their opinions of him. I mean there opinions of him are his opinions of himself.

So he tells me to come, and then he tells me not to come. I know he is bothered that I am not coming, but the fear and the fact he focuses on pain that hasn't happened that he makes it so real. He is a victim of his circumstances and it kills me...he shows such resolve and strength at times... :-(

So I will not be going, and he is going to be singing 3 songs: 1 aria, 1 jazz standard, and 1 hymn. I really wanted to hear him do his thing, and see his family finally support him like they should be...110%!!!!!

But I told him to send me a video and mp3 so I will have to see it after everyone else. I am not going to lie...it does hurt my feelings, but it is what it is.

If it come to his family thinking badly of him and my hurt feelings I will get trampled on again and again. That is not true, but it does seem to happen.

I just wanted to get this stuff out...it was bothering me, and I didn't want to unload on Van. He won't even invite his other friends for fear of what his family will ask and say about them. These are some very judgemental Christians. Smh.

It seems that everyone that knows this man more than just what he chooses to show around his family and church family cannot be invited. It is weird to me...I am the closest person to this man...a real true best and closest friend to him and I cannot go.

Even those that are good friends that know him, and love him even though he doesn't love himself and just want him to be him cannot go.

Only those that don't know him and only know what he shows can go...minus his brother that loves him no matter what.

I just needed to vent, because it bothers me. But it doesn't bother him. He is ok with how everything is so I just gotta be ok with it, and as his friend support him.

Now off to bed...

J-Bo

AWESOME DAY!!!!!

So today was an awesome day. Besides being beyond horny. :-)

I have met another MET contact and will move on that in a few weeks.

I start with my two classical voice teachers, voice therapist, vocal coach, and another voice teacher that works with a lot of super famous singers and jazz heads. God is opening doors, and I refuse to be rigid and I am taking all of them as they come.

It is exhausting, but it is so AWESOME!!!! :-)

So many things are going on...recording 2 albums God willing. Businesses are picking up. Just everything is coming together in my life.

Getting all the areas of my life in order.

Now I will give details later as they come up, but I need to get ready for tomorrow.

Good night all.

J-Bo

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Good Morning All... :-)

So I made it through the night.

I had a great sleep, but I had a dream last night, and of course he invaded them. I don't think it was in a romantic kind of way, but he was there.

We were going towards my private jet flying somewhere...the reason I said that I am not sure f it was romantic, is because I am good to just do that with friends. I can be a bit extreme.

The funny thing is that when Van was with me in my dreams he was singing this song, and I don't even know it. The first one was one he always wanted to sing to someone and the second one is the one I don't know like that, but I remembered it when I woke up.

Not sure what it means, but here they are for you guys out there. Enjoy them. :-)

Off to school to get ready to rehearse and just get out the house.

J-Bo




Mind Rambling...

For some reason I cannot get to sleep.

I know I am horny and I tried to hook up with first a girl and then a guy, but both were no good.

I couldn't stop feeling like I was cheating on Van.

Why the hell would I feel like that...we are not together?!?!?!

God please tell me what the hell you want me to do?!?!? WHAT?!?!??!?! -_-

Why am I in love with his scared stubborn ass?? I cannot wait and hope his family will tell him the truth...especially when he doesn't study and look for himself.

Why could I not hook up???

You would think my rule for getting over someone, which of course is getting under someone else would work, but it is not helping me. I feel like I am going in circles. SMH.

Thank God I found these two nyquil tablets and I am drifting off to sleep now.

Tomorrow is a semi big day...a lot of things to do, and I need to send my stuff out. God give me strength.

Good night everyone. :-)

J-Bo

Monday, May 28, 2012

Church Home...

I think I am going to really enjoy Morningstar.

It is becoming a nice home. I don't know how long I will be there for, but I am looking forward to the journey. I know that after a while, whether that is years or so, that I will be leaving Morningstar and moving onto a new church home, but that will happen when it happens.

Who knows...maybe Van will get what he wants and I will join a COGIC church. I realized driving today that there is a COGIC church 10 mins from my house. I never knew it was that close.

The name of the church is "The New Gospel Temple Church of God in Christ."

I think I will stop by every once and a while. I am not going to go looking to date someone from there...I promised Van that I wouldn't go looking, and I will keep that. Honestly I don't want anyone but him, but I feel so damn horny and I need him that I feel like I have to do something.

Gotta do something, because we are only friends. There are these two guys and 2 girls in my friends play that look like they giving me the business. I don't feel like entertaining them, but what is a man to do...we are just friends, and even though we both want more, he is not letting himself give more. :-(

I look forward to this Friday and Sunday when I go to church. I cannot promise Friday, since it is graduation day, but Sunday I will be there.

Gotta see when I will fit in New Gospel into my schedule, but we will see. I miss that COGIC influence in my life. :-(

No I do not want it to come from Van...HE IS DEAD TO ME!!!!! HE CAN GO AND KICK ROCKS!!!!!!

J-Bo

P.S. Lemme call Van and invite him to hear me sing. No comments y'all...he'll probably say no. But I really do just want to be his friend. But I don't have to beg people to know what kind of man I am...so I am tired of trying. He should know the man I am...I will always be his friend, and he will help me build an empire, and I am ok with that.

BBQ fun...

So I meet up with Aaron and Steve at this guy's BBQ, and it was nice. He is a guy from our church and is super gay, but he is real cool. We ate talked, and he asked me many questions about joining the church and becoming a member. I told him that when the church opens it's doors again then I will join. :-)

So of course Aaron and I were talking mad trash about Van and Dishone...respectively of course. :-)

I told Aaron that I will slap him in his face when I see him again. I even told Aaron that if that man called me telling me he needed me, I'd become very busy...very fast. -_-

So I am sitting here horny as hell...HORNY!!!!!!!

Now Aaron is complaining too cause he horny talking about he needs some. I feel him cause I need some too. Why the hell am I thinking about Van?? This man is not thinking not a thing about me...for all he care I can go get married and he will be happy I am gone.

God I miss him...but I am looking forward to going over the song tomorrow with Steele and Shy. I think I am going to invite my two soprano friends from school, and Van. I am not sure if he will come, but he has no reason to say no. But you never know.

I am now sitting here with my boys and we are talking and laughing. Aaron talking about Dishone, and I am talking about Van. WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?! LMAO!!!!!! :-)

I gotta get this under control. You know what if I see him tomorrow I will show him how to forget me, or at least how to bury his feelings even more. I want him to have some peace, but I need him in my life. So to make sure we are all cool I can help him bury and eradicate his feelings so that when he sees me, he thinks of nothing.

It pains me to do that, but I want him to be happy, and even though he has more freedom and joy with me for right now he is choosing to be this way.

Why am I talking about him...lemme get back to my company.

Steve and his girl are interesting...but I see him getting better and better. Time and patience, but he is moving good.

J-Bo

Happy Memorial Day!!!!

So I wanted to wish you all a Happy Memorial Day!! :-)

For those of you not in the States or simply do not care then I wish you guys a happy Monday. There is always something to be grateful for. ^_^

I just checked my passport to see when it expires and I have some time. My brother asked where the hell I am going. I of course said Italy...it was something I wanted to do with Van, travel.

He of course made fun of me and said I was hooking and doing all sorts of things...my mother proceeded to give me a look. LOL. It was too funny. That is something that Van loves to hear. My brother was going in...he wanted to know how many tricks was I doing to get myself to Italy. Smh!!!!


When my brother said he wanted to go to Japan, but he couldn't afford it. Then he said he could, but why would he do it. My mother made it a point to say that she didn't raise no punks. :-)

She said she raised us to be strong and to go out into the world and to live. She said she didn't raise us to be stuck to her hip and not take chances and live big dreams.

I guess I got it real lucky. Where some people are told constantly to stay close and treated like children, we are not. We were told that they will not be in our lives forever that we have to live our own lives. That we have to make our own way, and it isn't easy but it is so worth it.

That is the stock I am made from. That is why I do things that freak me out, and that I am scared to. This is also why I need to stop procrasinating, and get the businesses started. Some people want greatness, and do nothing and just live standard lives. Nothing wrong with that of course.

But if you truly have a desire to live an awesome life then do it. A Texas Oil Billionaire said to be great find out what it will cost, and pay that cost.  :-)

I have also learned that people are brought into our lives to teach us valuable lessons...Van gave me more stability and a reason besides me to do something. He makes me want to be a great man not only for me, but my kids, nephew, nieces, and future nephew and nieces, and all the people I will meet.

Van makes me want to grow and see all the things this world has to offer, and become so much more than I am. He makes me want to love 110% without abandon. Don't say anything about that...I was just speaking from my heart...nothing special. :-)

I know I am meant to be in this man's life. He sees it, but he is choosing to keep me at arm's length. My influence on him is evident. When we are together he dreams bigger, he wants more, he demands more. His vision of himself increases...but he doesn't have the support that I do.

He doesn't have the foundation like I do. I just want to tell all of you out there that are like Van to live your lives and go for great regardless of your family and surroundings. You can always make it, and then bring those that want to be brought higher with you...you cannot live for others when their sights are lower than your own. Sad...but true.

I am not sure how he came into this post, but oh well.

I keep thinking of Aaron and Dishone and how they are totally messed up. Aaron missses Dishone like the air he breathes, though he is acting tough, and Dishone is acting like Aaron don't matter, and keeping him far away. SMH...the things we do. Only if they would have changed a few things, and gotten counseling when I told them too...had to learn the hard way.

I still have hope for them...just going to take time for the healing to take place. I know what some of you want to say...that, that is Van and myself. We are different...we had no problems that we weren't working through...our issue is his religious beliefs. Beliefs that wouldn't be there if he had his mother or father to fully support him no matter what...if he knew 110% that they did then we wouldn't be here.

The only thing else that could happen is his family seeing all the proof and evidence that is right there and just saying we were wrong. But he did say they don't like to admit they are wrong, so I don't hold my breath. If they were to say that I swear he'd be at my house right now. :-)

In any case lemme get my day started...still got work to do, and I found out I got laundry too. Oh well...I do enjoy it. I'll get the car, and then it is all me to go out and have a good time.

Also I got a few grades back. I got an A, B+, and B-. Waiting for 3 more...Lord please be kind. :-)

J-Bo

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Nice end to the night.

So I had a good time with Aaron.

My brother came home and we were all playing video games. Good stuff. Took my mind off of somethings.

Tomorrow is more business work to be done, and I want to work on my song for graduation. I also gotta get my arias and oratorios down. I won't get my spirituals until Tuesday when I do a run through of the national anthem. A lot of things are happening.

Lemme plan my day for tomorrow and get to bed. I want to call him guys, but I won't do it. I will not give in!!!! :-)

I'll see what he is doing tomorrow to see if he wants to meet up on Tuesday to hear me go through the national anthem. I want as many people as possible to give me feedback so I can see what I should work on.

I almost called him just now. I swear I need help. It sucks!!!! I really miss him, and he is in my life, but it is like it is strained and it is a weird strained.

Normally a relationship is strained and it is strained naturally and you have to work hard to make it work, but our situation is different. It is natural and easy to just be with each other, but it is a lot of work to be apart.

That man owns my heart guys...smh. :-)

J-Bo

Talking about the exes...

So Aaron and I had a great time. Lots of laughs, and going over fond memories.

He was telling me how much he misses Dishone, and wants him back in his life as his friend. He said that Dishone is his best friend, and he feels like shit for what he did to him.

He's been trying to tell Dishone that, but Dishone is not listening...he is being hard and distant to protect himself...not the best way, but I let him rock for right now.

Aaron loves this man so much...it is really sad how we are just going through the motions. Aaron wants to call and text him so bad, but I told him not to. It would be bad right now...but something tells me he will do it later anyway.

He kept on saying he wants to call him and speak to him, and just be there for him. He was trying to do the same thing, while he was with this girl, but shit happened so what will they do. He said he wants his friend back, and I feel him. We both are sitting here like DAMN!!!! :-(

Aaron is telling him how doesn't Dishone to sleep with anyone else. He wants him all for himself. LMAO!!!!! TOO CUTE!!!! :-)

I told him I feel the same way about Van...the thought of anyone touching him man or woman makes me VIOLENTLY ILL!!!!!! Of course I have to act cool, and like everything is alright. WHY LORD?!?! WHY?!?!?!!?!?!?

I asked the Lord why send me someone that wants to be attached to his families' hip, especially when they are two seconds from throwing his ass away like he ain't shit?? Why send me someone that is so scared of being great and extraordinary that they will settle for less, just as long as their family is okay with them.

Maybe it wasn't a good idea to talk to this man today. We are just going hard right now. I am keeping him from calling, and/or texting Dishone, but I did tell him to send an e-mail. But he is telling me to call, Van...I really want to but what can I do?

We both want to spend time with them tomorrow. Lemme stop. Now back to hanging out...we are watching Bad Teacher and cracking up.

We are two fools in love. :-D

J-Bo

Going back to my Roots

So today was an interesting day. I got to go back to my old church and it was fun. I was raised Catholic and it was so refreshing...I forgot that my church has a no BS attitude and just a carefree loving atmosphere. It is always nice to go back and look, but I am heading forward.

My mom told them I was graduating, and they all made me get up and take a bow. I was asked to come back and sing. It was really nice and touching...makes me almost want to cry.

Besides that I got a few dress clothes that were needed, but I desperatly need to go shopping and get all new clothes for all occasions.

I also have to look into volunteering into getting the word out that African Americans are losing the right to vote, and they are making it harder to vote, and changing up the requirements. The sad thing is that this is going on and no one knows about it so we are stuck in the dark. I cannot be a victim or be a fool.

Now I just have to plan my day for tomorrow, and wait for my friend Aaron. He broke up with his girl (knew that was coming) and he wants to hang out. He already knew no woman wants to be with a gay man, but compared to Van and Dishone we pass very well and make it work. So now he said he is going to be hard...smh.

That boy wants to be in a relationship...time will tell.

I wonder if I should tell Van that I actually missed the pentecostal feel. I mean I miss the catholic church, but I have outgrown them...I have matured and raised myself up so that isn't enough anymore. Oh well that is the cost of growing and changing.

My mother said it today...there are people that will never go far, because they want to stay where they are and accomplish alot. I will never forget one of my mentors a billionaire told me to get to where I want to be I cannot do what I have been doing.

Makes me think of Van, but he isn't surrounded by people that are always pushing on, and looking to do more and more. I am...so for me staying comfortable and not change and grow is very painful. For him to change and grow means to leave people behind, but since everyone is pretty much stuck...he doesn't have much to look up to.

Why am I talking about this man?? Because I love him, and I miss him, but just friends we are sadly. Want more, but what can I do?? He will always own my heart, and I will always own his, but until he gets the strength and courage to want more and raise himself up we are stuck.

So on other news there was this black muscle GOD outside of my church today. I was just staring at him openly...it was so damn sad. :-)

Anyway...all I can think about is Van, but I cannot do anything about that.

I am planning a trip. Maybe a cruise or a roadtrip...or a roadtrip to the cruise location, and then fly back...or any combination. We shall see. That reminds me I have to send Van my stuff...got a few pages to finish and then I can send it in.

Making moves. I only want excellence, growth, change, and the best. Van might be too scared to gof or it himself because it is outside of his comfort zone, but I am more than willing to live it for the both of us. I want the best of the best, and to be able to leave a legacy long after I am gone. God is too good for me to do anything else.

Cannot wait fora vacation...but for some reason it feels like I will have fun, but something will be missing. Maybe I need to make it bigger.

J-Bo

Saturday, May 26, 2012

AWESOME TIME WITH THE FAM!!!!!

So today started pretty good, and ended even better.

I will cut to the chase and say that I went with my mom to go see my sister, her man, and her 3 kids. We had a great time and lots of laughs and stories.

Then my sisters best friend, and her husband, and her 3 kids came and we had even more laughs. It was too awesome. :-)

I have a headache from all the laughing, and I am legitmately exhausted from all the food and laughing. God I love my family...

On the ride up there my mother was asking me what it was I wanted to do with my life. She told me that whatever I do to make sure it is what I want to do, and something that will make me happy, and put food on the table.

She said if I have to do something in the meantime to support myself than I should do that, while going for my dreams. :-)

But she did make it a point to say that she is not raising kids who are cripples and cannot do and take of themselves. She said she is not in the business of having kids stay around her, and be useless...she wants us to make a difference and live our own lives. What more could a guy want?!?!?! :-D

She also told me that she is a life long scholar. Her major field is the field of education, and even though she has not gone back after her 3rd or 4th masters degree, she continues to grow and change and adapt to see what works.

My mother always is looking to stay on top of what will get her kids the best results, and make a difference in these kids lives. She doesn't believe in outdated information, and letting that be a crutch. She once told me that being an adult means always learning, and always growing. She also wanted me to learn to always adapt so that I never get stuck behind and fail.

I have so many things getting ready to happen for me. God is so good. I refuse and ok ordinary life...that is not meant for me. Nothing against it, but I want more and I will get it.

The Lord knows it will take work...but I can do it. I got great ppl behind me. My entire family, the Big 3, and Van. Also, my BFA family. The family I was born into, and the family I have chosen are...FUCKING AWESOME!!!!! :-)

J-Bo

Inspirtational Words...

Got this from my boy Tony...nice stuff and just uplifting.

Here it is...hope you guys enjoyed as much as I did.


"You can't always please everybody, but you can do what makes you happy and just hope that those around you will be happy for you."

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” -Paulo Coelho


"Pain will teach you what your pride won't allow you to learn." ~ J. Green

"You were born with the ability to change someone's life, don't waste it."

“We are taught you must blame your father, your sisters, your brothers, the school, the teachers - but never blame yourself. It's never your fault. But it's always your fault, because if you wanted to change you're the one who has got to change.” -Katharine Hepburn

“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.” -Albert Einstein

“Those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.” -George Bernard Shaw

“If you only try to please others, you're going to resent those people you're trying to please; the ones who are often closest to you. If you choose a path that you yourself want to take, then you're going to be much kinder to the people in your life.” -Sarah McLachlan

"If you have ever untangled a ball of string, you know that yanking and pulling only makes it worse. You need to very gently and patiently unravel the knots. Be gentle and patient with yourself as you untangle your own mental knots, and love yourself in the process. Willingness to let go of the old is the key." -Louise L. Hay

"I am the master of my fate - I am the captain of my soul."
-W.C. Henley

"Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before. Let your soul take you where you long to be. Close your eyes, let your spirit soar and you'll live as you've never lived before." -Erich Fromm

"Sometimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to recognize our worth and value, but because we finally recognize our own.

"What others think about you is not as important as you think about yourself."

I Had A DREAM!!!! :-)

I had the hottest dream I have had in a long time. It was with Race Cooper...for those who don't know him he is a hot black man...mostly a bottom vers, but he can throw some good dick when he wants to.

I always think of Van when I see Race Cooper. It's like how he always sees Bobby Blake for me, but I don't see why. He is not my favorite, but that has nothing to do with me.

But me and Race had one hell of a time. :-)

God this man is all in my system...he is driving me crazy.

So my idea has changed of Van. I used to say when he feels that being gay is ok, then we can be together. I see I have been wrong in my analysis.

He doesn't have the problem his family has the problem, and he is willing to do and be anything to make sure they stay in his life. The problem is that they won't do the same thing for him. They are more than willing to control and dictate his life and he is letting them.

Oh well...I will be there for him, but honestly he is going to let them do whatever they feel to him, and he is going to take it. I know there is a warrior in their somewhere...he just has to want more for him and demand it.

J-Bo

Friday, May 25, 2012

Interesting Day...but so sad. :-(

So my day started really slow and regular and you guys know I hate slow and regular. Any way I ended up heading to school to do some work, and to see Van.

We hang out and everything is real cool and chill.

I am laughing at this man the whole day...from the moment we meet my energy is on like 10 and he is on 5...not anything unusual...he is normally more subdued than me.

So I treat him to food...I owe him like $950 in food now. Smh...he gonna make me pay too.

Long story short we kissed and I told him no...I fought for a while. I really did. But he kissed me and it was nice. I could tell that when we are together he feels so good and so strong.

I still feel he has so much to work on though, and I think the best thing for us right now is friends. It pains me to say that, but I really do feel that he is being neurotic.

He wants this so bad, but his family really did a number on him...I mean he is controlled by them. I know that things would change instantly if he had their blessing, but one he feels he will never have it, and on the other side of things he won't be honest so he will never really know.

Guys I don't know what to do. He loves me so much, and wants to be with me, but he is so damn FRUSTRATING!!!!

All he wants is his family to love him for who he is...all he wants is them to show him the same amount of love, acceptance, and comfort.

I just don't know. If he doesn't get this under control he will only go as far as his family wants him to. I don't think he realizes that he is walking around with their baggage, and their issues, and making it his own.

Nothing has changed...my plans are still the same. We are just friends, because he has not gotten to the place where he is at peace. And his family would see him die alone, or married and miserable to a woman, then gay and happy, and married to a man.

Nothing I can do...he wants to be like this. NO!!! That is a lie...he doesn't want to be like this. I know he doesn't...he is really a product of his environment.

I am going to do the only thing I can do for him...pray and ask God to give him the strength. The thing is that he has everything he needs inside of him...he just has to be willing to use it and take action.

I have seen people like this before just so torn up inside and those that get free live great lives, and those that don't just get by. He doesn't want to get by, but I think he willing to just get by.

Guys I don't want to be just friends with this man...and he damn sure doesn't want to be just friends with me. But for both of our sanity it is best. He wants to find it from the outside, and he needs to find it from inside.


I have no more to say. I love him and I will always love him...with all my heart, mind, body, and soul. I know when we are together we are awesome, and we work, but he is so FRUSTRATING!!!!! :-)


Nothing more need be said. I feel the strength, but he is so scared. I know he is suppose to be in my life, and I feel like I am meant to be his husband, and we are suppose to do great things in the world, but he is not making it easy.

I just am going to be there for him...and let him be him. He wants me in his life...he just needs to decide if he will wait until God works on his family...or they all die for him to do him. He said today that for his family he will hide from them his entire life...that is so sad to hear. 

I am obviously rambling...I love him so much. I am his best friend and I will always be that...I should be more, but he is not ready...he doesn't want to be. And I cannot make him ready.

I am wondering what Tony and him talked about...long story.

J-Bo

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Pain

For some reason everything hurts. My body is just in pain.

My head, chest, legs...everything.

I cannot lie I am in real serious pain. Not sure what the hell is going on.

On another note, I was watching True Life and this guy died because he didn't get a good bone marrow transplant donor.

I always wondered what was the process for being a donor...almost like 7 pounds.

Lemme go take some of these pain killers. I don't know what is going on, but I maybe going to the hospital tonight.

Pray for me people.

J-Bo

Not as productive as I would've liked...

So I got some work done today, but not as much as I would have liked.

And now my friend from school is coming over to my house. I know she really needs to be around some good people right now, and I want to be there for her.

I wanted to head out and meet her at school, but my chest started to hurt, I got a serious headache, and it is a little hard to breathe. I think I am freaking out.

I want things to happen NOW!!!!! -_-

Lemme try to get something done.

J-Bo

P.S. Van said he will not sleep with anyone else ever...besides Jesus of course. I know some of you are thinking that I am going to be his first and last, like it was intended, but it is not like that. I know one of my friends would say we are married and that it is how it is going to be until death do us part. F-U MACK!!!!!! He can sleep with the entire Holy Convocation and I could care less!!!!!

P.P.S. He did say I'm the only one...not that I give two shits of course. He cannot come back into my life in that capacity ever again. I am going to remain hard and distant. I AM PUTTING MY FOOT DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  -_-

P.P.P.S. I just have to find me a replacement...ASAP!!!!!!

P.P.P.P.S. I know that a lot of these post talk about him, but it is not what you think. It isn't...it just isn't. I am not the jealous type...normally. Normally whoever I am with can sleep with whoever and do whatever. What makes Van so different??? I don't care about flirting and having fun, but I don't want him to go to far. Why do I care about that?? It isn't my place?? I need a nap. The thought of someone touching my man makes ME SICK!!!!! :-/

Confused...

So I am staying home, but the reason for this post is that I called Van and I honestly don't remember pushing his speed dial number.

Am I going crazy?? I must be. It was nice to hear him giggle though...not that I care.

I am listening to videos and should be doing work, but I will get to that soon enough. :-)

Hope you guys enjoy as much as I did.

J-Bo


WTF NOW?!?!?!

This is going to be quick. I am getting ready to get out the house and just do stuff.

I wake up and all I am is angry. I don't remember my dreams very often, but I remember last night.

Part of it was about me getting healthy and strong again, and that one I like a lot.

The part that I did not like at all was the thought of Van with some other guy. Any guy. The one from the deli, people in the streets, someone at his job, and even some fool from his COGIC denom.

WHY THE HELL DO I CARE?!?!?!?!?

I DON'T CARE!!!!!

Let him go and be happy with some other man. It'd be fine with me. -_-

I am not to happy to think of him with some woman, but that is less upsetting. I mean...it is what it is. A woman would be whatever to me.

Why the hell am I thinking about him with other men...I AM SO FUCKING SICK TO MY STOMACHE!!!!

He is probably hanging out with that guy from the deli...getting free stuff. -_-

I don't care...heading out to go get busy. Think I'll go to school and chill in the library for a while. Maybe I'll go see this guy. No I don't care about him. AAAAAHHHHHH!!! SMMFH -_-

J-Bo

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Ready For Love

Guys I am sitting here watching tv, and I got a huge hit of need and longing. I really really am ready for love. I mean me and Van didn't happen because of his religious convictions, and a part of me hopes he gets past them...but in the meantime and just in case I need to replace him.

Though he can never be replaced.

I am going to go to Kelly Temple and find me someone...I am on the rebound, but this is what I have to do. I wonder if this boy knows how great we are together. Not that it matters, but whatever.

I'm going to find me someone that can love me without fear...

I am speaking a good game, but I really do miss my friend. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. :-(

I gotta tell myself friends will do and it is the only thing I can do. I just have to find someone else. He can never how I feel...all he must know is that I have no feelings towards him like that period.

I cannot let any signs of anything through. So I guess Kelly Temple here I come, and all COGIC conventions and events that are big. Maybe just AIM, Holy Convocation, and Men's Conference. I can get blessed in many ways.

Some of you may think that Van reads my blog, but honestly why would he. I am just someone that he looks over my business stuff and that is it. I don't see him wanting to do anything more with me...just kick me to the wind.

All is for the best. He told me about some deli worker by our school that drew a heart in ketchup for him, and I acted all cool. If he decides he wants to date and mess with this guy then I wish him the best. Obviously I ain't someone of any meaning in his life like that, and easily dismissed.

I do really wish him the best. I am sure the deli worker is a great man...or he will find someone in COGIC that is perfect for him. I mean his whole time with me was a valley experience so I know with that belief he must really think me of a lesser man.

Lemme stop rambling. He don't love. We just friends. He'll find some other man that will treat him good and he'll be happy. I want God to bless him and give him that. :-)

But God please give this man a man he can really love and cherish. Someone that he can really give to..without fear. Like the times we shared. Someone his family will accept.

I am ready for love Jesus...ready for it since the man you sent into my life is too scared to stay in it. God you owe me...I am tired of hearing patience and long suffering.

I cannot complain...I got a great friend and asset. I am planning a trip to Kelly Temple second Sunday of the June...I don't want to be there for their communion...got my own church for that.

J-Bo


AWESOME DAY!!!!

So I had a great day today...and I do mean GREAT!!!

First I had my rehearsal with the person who will be playing for me for graduation. He is really really good. He plays all types of music, and has a real nice vibe and feel about him.

I gave him Whitney Houston's version of the National Anthem because I couldn't get the regular boring one, and he loves the one I gave him. He is really excited, and we did it, and it worked perfectly for us. I was worried it wouldn't work, but I must say it seems very nice.

I also got my cap and gown and my tickets today, so that is real nice. That is done, and I can move onto other things. They gave me 10 tickets...I think the guy was feeling me. I don't know what to do with them...maybe give them away.

I went to my friend's stage to help him with auditions. He wants me there as sort of the vocal guy for those who are not used to singing. So I guess I am taking the role of musical director. I see a bright future in this area also...got somethings to do to make myself very competitive, but I am so ready for it. :-)

I went to talk to my voice teacher and I got a whole bunch of spirituals and oratorio arias and opera arias to learn, but I am ready. I should hopefully be working with her, another voice teacher, the voice therapist, and a supreme vocal coach by the middle of June. Things are looking up that fast. :-D

I might also be working with another voice teacher, but this guy is huge in the world of jazz and pop, and I am excited about that.

So church jobs are coming up, "popular" jobs, and the like. I am making huge moves and I am so ready.

Not to mention hopefully by the middle of the week I should have some proposals done to send out for review from my friends, and have them ready to send out.

I have to thank my parents. They gave me a really great foundation, and they never let me see walls and boundaries. Just endless opportunities, hopes, and dreams.

I am bringing and helping my friends reach new heights to...

I wish I could help others grow and see what I see, and do bigger and better than me, but I cannot help those who only see limits and what they cannot do. I cannot help those that only see things in a linear, static, one-dimensional way.

God helps those who can go out on faith, take action, and act in spite of their fears. :-)

I am focusing on all the areas of my life that mean a lot to me, and will make me feel not only super successful, but also insanely fulfilled. :-)

  1. Spitiual
  2. Physical
  3. Mental
  4. Emotional
  5. Time
  6. Career
  7. Finance and Economics
  8. Relationships (personal, business, and romantic)
Another great thing was that I saw an old friend from high school and we laughed and had an awesome time. We were so loud that they actually asked us to leave the computer lab in the library. It was so priceless...we just had an awesome time.

I saw some of my classmates and we had a good time, and then me and my voice teachers had a good time. Things are just going my way.

Guys things are looking up. The only thing that I have to focus on now is all the key areas of my life, and within a year I will be in a whole new place. Actually by the end of this year I will be a brand new man.

God is so good. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. To top it all of there is this other guy at the play with my name who is going to come to me for singing help for the musical. He is gay, and CUTE!!!!! Since Van is just a friend, I am going to see what is good with this other guy. Speaking of Van I saw him today...he acted like I was bothering him so I quickly left...had to meet with my voice teacher anyway.

P.P.S.  I just told my mom I was singing the National Anthem at graduation and she asked me when was I going to tell her that?? I told her I wasn't it is just the national anthem and I have sung it thousands of times...she tells me to pack my shit and leave. LMAO!!!! Gotta love it.

P.P.P.S. I now really want to go to AIM and go to Holy Convocation. I really know what I want, and I am not afraid to say it. God ahead of me, no man can come against me, and God is going to direct me to the love of my life.

Talk with my boys...

So I just had a good convo with my boys Aaron and Dishone and one thing is very clear. Relationships can be the source of your greatest joy and greatest pain.

I said that relationships need 4 things...6 if you want to include what should already be there. (Passion/love and lust)

The 4 things besides the 2 given are:
  1. Communication
  2. Commitment
  3. Respect
  4. Trust
Now when I look at these Van and I had 3 of them really really strong. He trusted me completely. He respects me without reproach. And our communication is top notch.

The only area where we lacked was commitment, and that was only because of his religious convictions. If he was to see the truth and get past that everything would be awesome.

This is out to you guys out there as a checklist for your current relationships.

I hope it helps someone.

Off to bed I go...busy day tomorrow of music, food, and hanging out!!!!! :-)

J-Bo

P.S. MONEY SHOULD BE COMING IN SOON!!!! Gotta send this stuff out to my friends to look it over and tell me what they think. :-)

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Queen Latifah making a huge step...

Queen Latifah went out and showed a lot of support for the LGBT community.

Congrats Queen on being brave...even though we all knew already. :-)



J-Bo






Not off to a good start :-(, but it gets better. :-)

So first I oversleep (my body needed it) and I miss the show my aunt wanted to take me too. I gotta make it up to her, because I hate to be that person. I HATE IT!!! :-(

Then my mother jumps on my ass about if I have told the world that I am graduating. I didn't because contrary to popular belief I am not in it for the attention. This is not something big in my eyes. It is a part of life...something that people go through.

She has people calling and making me feel like shit for not broadcasting to the world I am graduating.

I don't make it a big deal, because it isn't. I am graduating and going to the next part of my life...that is all there is to it. I don't see the big deal. My parents both have multiple degrees and I don't see what the big deal is with me getting one degree.

On another note tomorrow I work with my new accompanist for graduation so that is a great thing. I have a lot of work to do. I need to make some serious moves.

I am still on the fence about going to Kelly Temple. Everything is telling me not to go. But what can I do...I need to replace the part of my life that Van used to be. It isn't my fault that he wants to be this way. I cannot make him get comfortable, and get to a place where everything in his life naturally and spiritually line up.

God knows I want him too, but I cannot wait. I just have to be his friend, and find some of that love some place else. If I can get 1/2 of the love and commitment, but just get someone that is comfortable with who they are it makes all the difference.

I gotta ask him what makes Kelly Temple special, and what should I expect.

J-Bo

P.S. Is it wrong to think that Van reads these. He said he was, but I think that was only because we were in school together, but now that, that is over he can act like I don't exist. Why is this man so in me?!?!?! I don't why God would soul-tie me with someone who thinks that what we had is wrong...I need someone to explain this to me in a real way...NOW!!!!

Now all I have to do is wait...

So I have finished my last final, and I feel ok about it. I prayed that God work something, and I believe that he will. I did all I could do considering and now it is God's part.

All I have to do now is rehearse for the National Anthem which I am doing tomorrow. I want to ask Van to come in and listen and give me his advice, but I think he'd appreciate not coming to the school if he can help it.

He fell asleep while we were working, and I swear I was about to kiss him. I had to get up and go for a walk. This isn't as easy as I thought it was going to be, but I am just feeling a little horny and he is looking so damn good.

Now I just have to wait for my grades which I am not worried about...too worried anyway, and do this National Anthem and I am done with CCNY. I still have my music to learn, but that is nothing special. I am going to have an awesome career.

I didn't realize he talks in his sleep.  He doesn't do it often or maybe I  just never really listen too much. I heard him muttering...he said something about Jesus (of course). He mentioned love, marriage, and I swear he said my name...but I am just going to say I am hearing things.

I know you guys are thinking...that he said all that in his sleep, and that he did say I was part of his destiny, I am his husband, and he has to get past this part of his life, but I tell you as of right now it means nothing if not acted upon.

We are just friends.

I do believe that God is doing something, and working, but that has to be God. I cannot do anything. But even then he has to be willing to face change and growth and stand stronger than he ever has. It's not easy walking a new path that you have no models for...and Van is not known for dealing with his fear of failure and unknown very well.

But through God!!!! ;-)

Now to go to sleep and relax. I worked very hard to get to this point in my life. :-)

Everyone have a blessed day.

J-Bo

Hopeless...

I hate studying for this class. I just want to get it over with already. I am having a great time studying
with my friends, but this material sucks ASS!!!!

Time for a nap. I am sitting here studying with Van,  and things are going very well. No drama just our regular dynamic which is always fun and exciting.

I have to stop staring at his ass...I don't think he realizes it. While he is here I have to make sure I keep my thoughts focus off of him. It is not hard at all...mostly.

I was two seconds from kissing him, but I held it in check. I am a man of SELF CONTROL!!! I PUT MY FOOT DOWN AND IT IS SO!!!!!!

I am really going to have to get some ass soon, because I am so damn horny and all my thoughts go to him...HARD!!!!

Oh well...these are the days of our lives.

J-Bo

Monday, May 21, 2012

Last Night for STUDYING!!!!!

So I am here and this is the last night for studying. Tomorrow is my last final, and then a week and 1/2 later is graduation and I am done. I will be a graduate and I will be moving on with my life.

One chapter done, and the next one is about to start.

Sitting here with Van, and we are acting like old times minus the "loving" part. That is cool...I figured I will have to go get a replacement for him real soon.

I figure I can go to Kelly Temple within the next few weeks, and then I can no longer feel this need to hop on this man's ass.

Now I am off to study.

Expect some more posts throughout the night. I may need to unload if this man keeps on bothering me, and also to just let out some steam.

J-Bo

P.S. He is already talking about my smell...which I smell very good and he knows it too!!!!!!

P.P.S. He told me about how some store clerk is coming at him for some love. Let this negro let some other man touch him...I AM GOING TO FREAK OUT!!! But I will deal with it, because as his friend that is what I can do.

He's Not Happy

So I told Van about my plans and he said he is not happy about them. I made him live up to his name as my friend and just be a man and be there for me. I am there for him, and I demand the same.

What it comes down to is that he doesn't want me to be with anyone else to be honest, but he would be very happy if it was someone from another denomination that he doesn't know.

I told him that there is a way where he can really hide and get rid of his feelings towards me. I told him he can get to the point where I don't mean anything to him at all, but I am not sure why he won't let me do it. I mean if I do we can be a in a room...hell a bed and he won't feel anything towards me.

I don't want to do this, but to be honest I am on the rebound, and I am looking for a rebound guy. I am looking for someone that has the great things about him...the good and bad, because that's the stuff that makes him so special.

Of course I want someone that has come to the place to realize that God sees nothing wrong with who they are, and are past where he is in his life right now.

I wish things would be different. Everyone sees us as being a great couple...with faults of course but that is no problem.

I see a different picture than him...I see us with separate careers and paths that join together. There is no reason he cannot be a doctor who sings, and I be a business man who sings, and we either operate in our ministry together or separate.

Married couples don't do everything together...I mean that would be a bit much.

The thing is that he believes a certain thing, and his view on his identity is a certain thing, so everything he sees, believes, and thinks is shaded by his beliefs and identity. The same goes for me and you.

My beliefs and identity say something different, so I see things differently.

He also told me that we may fall out of contact. When he said it I could tell he didn't want that to happen. He had no desire for that. He is just speaking. He is so freaking dramatic sometimes. He has a real flare for the dramatics...a true drama queen, but I do love it. :-)

I asked him if he wanted me out of his life, and he told me he couldn't answer. I don't see the problem.

We were in a room together and he told me that I had to leave after a while because he was feeling something. Nothing happened of course...I am committed to not letting anything happen. It pains me, but it is for the best. He is not ready for me...being with me mean taking his dreams and blowing them up to and even larger bigger reality. He can't dream small with me. ;-)

Van is my closest best friend, and I am his. We aren't going anywhere...

He really doesn't want me to date anyone else, but he will get over it if it will make me happy. He really, really doesn't want me dating anyone in his denomination, because he swears it will get back to him years down the line. He really is funny about him having the world's worst luck.

It is true I am trying to replace him. He is the best thing God has brought into my life. I see him as a blessing, and I can tell he is still battling about that. He wants to see me as a bad thing, but deep down he doesn't.

So to make peace I will be on the rebound, and will be with someone that brings a lot that he did, and that reminds me of him. I know I am on the rebound, and it sucks, but it is what it is. This way neither of us really gets what we wants. But we get a great friendship within each other.

J-Bo

P.S. Guys it really pains me and it is so annoying because I know in my heart and gut that loving and being with Van is the right thing to do. It is the best thing to do. But his current beliefs and identity don't allow it. He is not ready for what I can bring into his life, so he won't get it via a relationship, but he can get some of it via a friendship.

P.P.S. I want him to know that I am not his "friends," and I am not his family. I will never turn him away and forsake him. I will never treat him like anything less than what he deserves. I am always there for him...I am his friend. I will never make him feel less than because he is not doing what I think he should do. It is his life, and whatever makes him happy makes me happy. That is the way it should be.

To COGIC,or Not to COGIC...that is the question!!

So I told Van that I am going to start going to COGIC events, but will never officially become COGIC.

My stance is that when Jesus came he came against organized religion and churches...he came for relationship and covenant.

Anyway I tell him I am going to the events. He is not too happy. Mind you when we were together that was ok, but now for some reason it is a problem.

I mean I want to experience the awesome preaching, awesome music, awesome fellowship, and awesome...well EVERYTHING.

He made a comment that I should go do that at other pentecostal organizations. He was down for COGIC when we were together, but now it is a problem. I don't understand why. He should be happy...he said that I was meant to be COGIC all this time...I of course deny deny deny. :-)

I mean his grandfather always said that one extra bonus of going to these events is that you meet the love of your life. I had found that originally in Van, but we are not together so I gotta move on. You would think he would be happy for his friend.

He made the stupid comment that I am trying to replace him...I am not agreeing or denying it. I am just saying COGIC seems like the place to be.

I am wondering why his aunts are not married yet though. I swear I see some stuff going on, but I think it is best for me to keep my mouth quiet. I just hope his aunt(s) who are not married can find peace with their "friends."

It is clear as day to me...funny how people don't want to see what is right in front of their faces.

J-Bo

Working hard...sorta

So still at school doing this work, and I must say it is a good night. People are working hard and getting stuff done...I am doing very well myself. :-)

I cannot wait for this place to officially open so I can take my black ass upstairs and go to sleep. I need to take a nap.

Some of you asked me questions about whether or not I was with Van, and I have to say that I am here with him, but we are not together. Meaning we are here as friends and nothing else.

I have been getting e-mails about what am I going to do. I am going to do what I've been doing...be there for him and live my life. I already have a lot of things in the pipelines, so that keeps me busy.

I know that some of you have been sending me questions and answers as to what I am doing, about the situation. I am doing all I can and that is being a friend. I appreciate if everyone would honor that as well.

To be honest I like it like this better. I mean he still holds back and isn't totally him without abandon, but that is his choice and I know why he is doing it. I have my own safe guards in place.

Now I am going to go back to doing some more work, and also going to get into some money stuff. I think I will be going to AIM and the Holy Convocation this year. I can go for a free ride, and it might be fun.

I am looking for a replacement, so I figure I could have some fun while I wait. ;-)

Maybe I should ask Van about it so I know what I am walking into. I only have but so much patience, and I don't wanna explode if I don't have to.

J-Bo

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Accept People For Who They Are

So I was really planning on helping out at the AIDS walk today, and then to church. Van even woke me up to see if I was going, but I fell asleep so that didn't go according to plan. :-)

I would've made it to church, but Aaron texted me saying he was sick, and begged me to come over. So I caved in and went to be with him. Made him laugh, fed him, and just hung out. All in all spent like 5 hours with him.

I know he appreciated it, but just being there to help him means a lot to me. I feel like I did good work today. So because I was with him, I missed church, but I was with a fellow saint so it worked.

Of course we laughed and talked about Van and Dishone. I told him I hate Van and that he can go kick rocks. LOL. :-)

He of course said yeah right...he said if this man was in trouble I'd be out the door before knowing where he is. He is right though...I will always have his back.

It was just nice to be with a friend who makes you laugh about the situation, and have a good time.

So I did get to hear the word today. It is titled "Accept People for Who They Are."

It’s easy to focus on others’ faults and what we would like to change about them. But, God is the one that put the talents, creativity and strengths into each person. Isaiah 64:8 says, “We’re the clay and you’re our potter: all of us are what you made us.” (The Message) Our job isn’t to change people. Learn to accept that God is the one directing their steps, making them and molding ...

God made us all unique for a reason, and one of the things that we do too often is try to fit people into a mold...into a box that works for them, thinking one size fits all. God is the potter not man..he is the one making and shaping us. Only God can truly people...

You have to give people room to be who they are meant to be. If we are meant to be the same, have the same strengths, weaknesses, and calling then we would. But we are all unique down to our DNA because there is a perfect design. (I add that means being tall, short, big, small, white, black, etc. is without fault.)

God likes variety. You may be trying to change someone who is different than you, but God made them like that for a reason. When we try to shape someone's identity without thinking about who they are in God then we cause damage.

 I brings to light the fact that I am so blessed that I was allowed to be who I am. My parents never tried to tell me who I was or who I was suppose to be, so I had the freedom to find out. It reminds me of Dishone when he was fighting his identity.

He had a view that was given to him about who he is, and Dishone tried to live that, until he couldn't. Dishone is one of those kids that are gay, but was forced to fit a straight mold. His parents and church literally tried to mold this man into a mild that didn't fit him.

The face of true maturity is when you accept people for who they are and not try to change them. How can you possibly do a better job then what God did for them? Makes no sense.

The way that God made us is that we are drawn to people who have strengths that are different than ours. The problem is when we are trying to make them into something they are not. I will never be who I am not...learned that the hard way.

When we learn to honor and respect the people in our life for not only who they are, but also because that is how God created them then we reach a new level. For one we'd have better relationships and better communication.

One example that the pastor gives is that he had a plant that he used to take care of. It had dark green leaves, and if they got light green he knew he had to water it. And when he did the plant would get healthy in no time. He knew how to work that plant.

Now he had another plant in his backyard. It was the same plant, but it's leaves were almost a yellow tint. The pastor said he watered it everyday, got new better soil, sang to it, told it how much he loved it, and he even prayed over it.

He said nothing he did worked. The plant did nothing to his advances. Finally he called an expert on plants. The expert said that the plant is as healthy as can be. The pastor said why are the leaves so different. The man said it is the same plant: same vines, growth rate, and everything, except this one has different leaf color.

The pastor said he spent months trying to make the plant into what he felt it should be.

Too often we do what the pastor tried to do. We try to make people into what they are not. We compare them to others, instead of comparing them to themselves...the best they can be.

Don't spend your whole life trying to make someone have dark green leaves, when they are suppose to have light green leaves.

When people come into our lives that are different than us it is easy to say that they are extreme and out there and the best thing to do is to try to fit them into our mold. Why do we do that? Who is to say that our way is the right way?? Along the path of love we have been showing arrogance.


God is the one who made us...our job is to encourage, love, and accept them. We need to take them off of our potter's wheel.

The other person may not change, but you can change. You don't have to allow what they are doing to affect you, and weigh on you. Love and acceptance...character of Christ.

For example Van and I had to make allowances for our weaknesses. We really complemented each other. Iron sharpening Iron. I remember that I use to make a big deal about Van and his time...but I was backing off, because it is how he is. I was trying to make him like me, but I realized that God made him like that on purpose and I learned to love, approve, and accept him with purpose.

A lot of us think that when someone changes then we will be happy and we will learn to love them then. But we may have to accept that some people will never change because it is who they are. We cannot fight our nature. God created Nature.

We focus on the bad and we don't focus on the good qualities. Too often we show that if you don't be who I think you should be than there is a problem with that. We forget that Jesus didn't have the holy and righteous with him. He had those that people thought were wrong and unworthy. That is the God we serve.

God's plan for their life is not the same that you have for their life. God's time table is his own, but we have to just show encouragement, love, and acceptance, because that is God.

For those of you that have seen the Tyler Perry move "Why Did I Get Married," you will know the 80/20 rule. No one person will give you 100% that you need...the grass may seem greener on the other side, but it won't be what you think.

Our relationships would go to another level if we accepted people for who they are...take them off our potters wheel. Our job is to respect and honor them. Love them not because they meet your standards, but because it is the right thing to do.

J-Bo

P.S. I owe Van an apology. I don't think I have been trying to change him, but in case he thinks I have then I need to make amends now. Time to head to school and get some work done.

Change

Change the way you think & change your entire life. Ex- "What if it doesn't work" now becomes "What if it works out ridiculously!?"

Hope it blesses someone.

Reading this helps me see that if I was meant to be straight then I would be. If I was meant to be a lot of things than I would. I cannot be afraid to go forward. I cannot be afraid to live my dreams anymore.

If I was stuck on how things should've been I never would've joined the BFA program. I never would have a career choice in classical music, if I was stuck on what I wanted. 




J-Bo