A lot...

So lemme make this quick cause I do have work to do.

I had a great class today. I spoke to one of my teachers that has a lot of connections, and she is going to hook me up, though I have a lot of work to do. So I am getting blessed over there.

We had a great rehearsal for the BFA recital today, and I really rocked it. One of my professors who is funny as hell, told me that my diction was horrible, but my voice was perfect. I told him to just see me as a male version of Dame Joan Sutherland...she is an opera legend known for an incredible voice, but horrible diction. :-)

I have some people in school asking for Van, and wanting to know how he is and for me to let him know they are thinking of him. I told them I would, but I don't know how to do it. I assume he wants nothing to do with me ever, so telling him that people are asking for him doesn't seem like a good enough reason.

I was trying really hard not to think about him today, but with everyone asking me it made it very hard. I just want to stop longing for him so much, but I know I feel what I feel for him for a reason, so who am I to complain. The issue is how I feel. I know some of you that have met that special perfect one for you will know what I mean, and how I feel. It sucks ass to feel like this, being so close but so far.

I do have a trick though. I tell myself that he doesn't think about me, and that I don't exist in his head. That I am not even a dream anymore, but nothing. I keep this at the front of my head. I know it sounds crazy, but it is what it is. He has a blog, and I make it a point not to read it, and I told some of our mutual friends that read it to not tell me anything about what he rights about if it is not something like him in the hospital or someone is dead.

I know the title says a lot and I am not sure if it is. I was talking to a friend Aaron, and he is having problems with his girl...the first being he is gay dating a woman, but we will leave that one alone. :-)

My first thought was to call Van and tell him and I also really wanted to tell him about my day. Is that weird?

I wanted to tell him that I was harmonizing with my teacher today, and it was beautiful. I kept my part and even switched it up. I want to tell him that I helped Aaron, Violeta, and Anita today with some really heartbreaking and damaging stuff. I don't know why.

I guess the good thing is that because I cannot do that with him, I will share it with you all and somewhere I feel he gets it. He told me that he reads each and ever post, but I don't believe it. I never did really. :-)

I always told him I didn't. Even know...especially now. I said it before, and I will say it again...this man forgot about me already, and he cannot wait to get out of college so he can just leave everything and everyone behind. Everything and everyone I thought him and introduced him to I feel he is going to just say is dust in the wind.

It is okay though. I have some good people that are on his side. From 3 people in the city, to kids down south, to people overseas, and those on the west coast.

Thanks you guys...this has helped me a lot. Getting this off my chest. For those of you that know Van please don't mention the blog anymore. He has already forgotten me, and is looking to just be alone.

Is it weird that I have friends tell me only if this man is the hospital or something real serious happened?? Why do I care??

I did ask God to wipe me from this man's memory to make it easier for him to just fit in as much as he can for as long as he can. Even know I wanna call him and just rejoice and have a good time with him, but I can't.

I am actually jealous of Dishone and Aaron. They got past this part of their life and got the deeper revelation. I promise that I am not going to make these about him...I hope. ;-)

J-Bo

P.S. Louis and I were talking about Dishone and him growing into a man and everyone treating him like a child. we both agree that he needs to move out and start living for him and be a man. The same thing can go for Van. They are like twins, and they are both in situations where people are trying to dictate how and when to live their life. Louis really loves this man and all we can do is be there for him.