Not sure how to feel...I just feel numb.

This is going to be short. I have to rush to school to get.

I had a dream last night that just made me numb. I don't feel bad, I don't feel sad, and I don't feel anything about it.

The dream was about Van of course. It was all these people telling me he never loved me. That he could care less about me. The people were saying that when graduation happens, he will never talk to me again. That he will cut me off, and treat me like a diseased hand.

They said he will cut off all contacts. The my number is blocked, and he is treating my blog like it doesn't exist. The people in my dream said that facebook is one thing he will keep just to keep up appearances, but he has me so that he sees nothing I do.

After Friday I am dead to him. I want to call Pastor, Tony, the kids, everyone and ask them why. I just want to know.

At first I didn't want to believe it. I didn't want to see it...I mean how could love be wrong. I know that it isn't but when I woke up I asked God and I heard back that he hates me. That he doesn't care about me...that he would pass me in the street and treat me like I don't exist.

I could be on my death bed, and he would make it a point not to come, and if he did it would just be to tell me that I am going to hell, and that I lived my life as a disgrace.

I asked God why...all I heard back was that he doesn't love you, never did, and you don't exist to him. You are a disease in his life.

I am going to be sick...how can he hate me?? What did I do?? Why would God say these things??

God told me that everything I brought into this man's life he is treating as trash. That I have done nothing but brought him down, and made him feel dirty and disgusting. That the real reason I am not going to his graduation party isn't because of his family. It's because of him...it's because he sees me as death.

I really believed him. It felt so sincere and honest, but obviously it wasn't. I really thought I meant more to him that that...

I want to know why God would say such a thing, but I guess it is what it is. He hates me. I am already dead to him, and he could care less about me.

I have to leave now for my departmental graduation, rehearsal for commencement, and then to get my suits, and pick up my father from the airport.

Talk to you guys later.

What really hurts is that God said I could be on my death bed, in a real serious accident, or about to go into a life and death procedure, and he won't even care. I mean why?!?!?!

I don't want to believe it...I don't want to believe that it is true, but God says it is true. God spoke to me, and he sent me an image of me walking in the path of a car, and he would let me. He'd say whatever happens to him happens to him...it is his life.

I need to stop talking about this. I am going to be off the grid for a while you guys. A break from all things social media and my phone. If it is not about money and my business than I am not doing it.

I totally forgot that he told me that would read my stuff, but I guess that is done. :-(

I will still write to you guys...you guys seem to care even though you know not even anything about me, and Van knows so much. So no social media, and no phone. Leaving it home from now on...

The sad thing is that if anything was happening or wrong with him, I'd still be there. He could always count on me, but I couldn't even get a cup of cold water.

I keep on wanting to hear something different, but I hear God telling me clearly.,.. (his whole name) hates you, and would see you dead then in his life. He doesn't care about you, and never did. He never loved you, and it was all a lie. 

Ok...lemme leave. I am running real late.

Going to try to keep a smile on my face.

J-Bo

P.S. Not sure how long I will be off the grid...I gotta talk to my friends, and maybe they can tell me something.

P.P.S. I don't want to believe it is God. I don't want to. Since he has already threw me from his life I am going to ask my friends to not bring my name up. To just pretend I am a bad memory. To make it seem like I never really existed. I need a vacation in the worst way.

P.P.P.S. I still cannot believe he feels that way about me. I was so blind and so stupid. If he was to ever need a friend no matter how many years or what happened all he would have to do is call, e-mail, text, or whatever. There is always a way to reach me, or there is always someone who can reach me. Why would that kind of character been seen as something to hate and despise. I need  a break.