So my day started really slow and regular and you guys know I hate slow and regular. Any way I ended up heading to school to do some work, and to see Van.
We hang out and everything is real cool and chill.
I am laughing at this man the whole day...from the moment we meet my energy is on like 10 and he is on 5...not anything unusual...he is normally more subdued than me.
So I treat him to food...I owe him like $950 in food now. Smh...he gonna make me pay too.
Long story short we kissed and I told him no...I fought for a while. I really did. But he kissed me and it was nice. I could tell that when we are together he feels so good and so strong.
I still feel he has so much to work on though, and I think the best thing for us right now is friends. It pains me to say that, but I really do feel that he is being neurotic.
He wants this so bad, but his family really did a number on him...I mean he is controlled by them. I know that things would change instantly if he had their blessing, but one he feels he will never have it, and on the other side of things he won't be honest so he will never really know.
Guys I don't know what to do. He loves me so much, and wants to be with me, but he is so damn FRUSTRATING!!!!
All he wants is his family to love him for who he is...all he wants is them to show him the same amount of love, acceptance, and comfort.
I just don't know. If he doesn't get this under control he will only go as far as his family wants him to. I don't think he realizes that he is walking around with their baggage, and their issues, and making it his own.
Nothing has changed...my plans are still the same. We are just friends, because he has not gotten to the place where he is at peace. And his family would see him die alone, or married and miserable to a woman, then gay and happy, and married to a man.
Nothing I can do...he wants to be like this. NO!!! That is a lie...he doesn't want to be like this. I know he doesn't...he is really a product of his environment.
I am going to do the only thing I can do for him...pray and ask God to give him the strength. The thing is that he has everything he needs inside of him...he just has to be willing to use it and take action.
I have seen people like this before just so torn up inside and those that get free live great lives, and those that don't just get by. He doesn't want to get by, but I think he willing to just get by.
Guys I don't want to be just friends with this man...and he damn sure doesn't want to be just friends with me. But for both of our sanity it is best. He wants to find it from the outside, and he needs to find it from inside.
I have no more to say. I love him and I will always love him...with all my heart, mind, body, and soul. I know when we are together we are awesome, and we work, but he is so FRUSTRATING!!!!! :-)
Nothing more need be said. I feel the strength, but he is so scared. I know he is suppose to be in my life, and I feel like I am meant to be his husband, and we are suppose to do great things in the world, but he is not making it easy.
I just am going to be there for him...and let him be him. He wants me in his life...he just needs to decide if he will wait until God works on his family...or they all die for him to do him. He said today that for his family he will hide from them his entire life...that is so sad to hear.
I am obviously rambling...I love him so much. I am his best friend and I will always be that...I should be more, but he is not ready...he doesn't want to be. And I cannot make him ready.
I am wondering what Tony and him talked about...long story.
J-Bo
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