Letter to Van

This is me sharing some thoughts with Van that I wish I could say, but I am stuck and limited as to what I can do. I cannot tell him my real feelings anymore, so from this point on I am bottling them up. I am going to keep them inside, and just direct that energy into other things.

Below is some of the things I want to tell him, but I won't. I am going to make it easy on him, and tell him what he wants to hear, and I will just deal. I've been friends with exes before, and this is nothing different.

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Pinocchio,

I used to think I had it all. Sex with any man and woman I wanted. A family that loved and supported me for me.

Friends that I could count on, and a relationship with God that kept me strong.

People that would come to me, and ask me for guidance and advice, at different times...all times.

But then God sent you into my life, and I never knew what love was till I kissed you in the elevator. This past 1 1/2 years has been a blessing to me.

You taught me to dream on another level. You taught me to fight on a whole other level. You taught me to face my fears and act inspite of them...to not run from love, but embrace it. You taught me what God's love really is, and for years I have been lacking.

You taught me to dream, to shout, to praise God, and to not be so extreme on a whole other level.

For that I am so grateful and so happy to have known you. If for some reason we never meet again I want you to know that you are and will always be special and cherished to me. I can't see my life without you in it, and I think that is for a reason.

I am so proud of all that you have accomplished, and all that you will accomplish. I look forward to seeing how high you let yourself go.

I cannot agree with you on how you see your sexuality, and we had this discussion already, but even though your beliefs are keeping us apart that doesn't mean anything to me. I still know who you are, and what you mean to me.

I mean doesn't the bible say you are made in his image, and you are woefully and wonderfully made. That means that you are who you are not by mistake. That God doesn't have a problem with you...you do. Or more importantly those whose opinions still push and pull you do.

You know I can't give you chapter and verse, cause Lord knows I don't know that stuff like that. :-)

I miss you...my friend, my lover, my boyfriend, my husband. 

I can still feel your heart. From the moment that we saw each other that day in Vocal Ensemble something was moving...I just wish you didn't see it as a waste of time.

I don't like what choice you are making, but I respect it.

I cannot stop thinking about you telling me that I am part of your destiny, and that I am part of your life, and that you see me as your husband. I know that all that came from someplace real and genuine. It was one of the times when you spoke with no fear, no worries, just pure love and compassion.

I guess I don't want you to think, just feel and let God use you. But I know how you like to over think things. :-)

I want to tell you that you may not know this, but I am going to find someone to "replace" you. Though no one will ever be able to do that I figure having someone that is there for the stuff outside of being a friend will work best for you. I figured it is a good replacement for what we both want.

You can continue to try to change your sexuality, we stay friends, and I still get my friend. We both are getting what we want and need in a sense.

I don't want this to die, but I can keep it under control. There is a guy that is all in my face, ready and willing to be with me. I am going to go for it, just so that you don't have to worry about anything. You know that I am a big on being faithful, so I will not do anything.

I don't know what else to say that I haven't said, and your feelings say more than I could. I just want my friend back...I want my friend, without the drama.

Watching my friends die, and suffer makes me want to never let you go. To love you like I know I am meant to. I can do that as your friend.

Love,
Papoah

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I wish I could just see his face, and let him know what I know and feel what I feel. The joy, freedom, excitement, and peace I feel everyday. Basically all day.

Everything in due time, but I have already told myself that if I even let one drop of feelings out towards him, then I will be less than a man, because I am making a promise to myself.

My promise is to never feel anything for him, more than a friend, and leave it like that. He is one of closest and best friends, and that is where the line is drawn. I promise myself that. I am going to botle everything up, and release my "feelings" in a better way.

I wish you guys could see it. I am going to be a new person. HARD AND INDIFFERENT!!! :-)

I know he is good at reading me, so I just have to avoid eye contact, and remind myself I am acting. As a professional artist I can play any role...and I have played quite a few.

Now with all this off to school I go to study and get some work done. Finding it hard to sleep. :-(

J-Bo

P.S. This song has been on my mind. Tell me what you think. The first one is really telling, and the second one is really gay, but for some reason it is on my mind. The third one is one I heard in the hospital and it had me thinking of Van. He'll never know.