Ministry

Guys I am so lost right now. Van just left me to go find someplace to sleep. It is so annoying because he loves and wants to be with me and I want the same. What is messed up is that he feels that being with me means he can't be in his ministry.

His ministry is to be a prophetic singer...I am sure he prayed and he believes that it is true.

The problem that I am having now is that he said that he is going to be choosing between me and his ministry. I told him that he didn't have to choose, but he believes that he has to. I don't know what to do. If everyone believed like he does then there wouldn't be 1/2 the ministries in church today and even less would even be in existence.

I don't know what to do. I ask that you all pray for grace and mercy, because I am so lost on this one. I mean he feels his immediate family would abandon him by coming out. He has all these beliefs that tell him being him is wrong, and he needs to become someone else. He has these beliefs that say you cannot be who you are...how can I fight that?

How can I help the man I love? How can I be there for him??

As I write this tears are streaming down my eyes...I am so in love with him that it hurts. It doesn't make any sense to me. He's been operating in his gift and ministry all this time, and he has always been who he has been.

GOD PLEASE DO SOMETHING!!!!!

It was so hard telling him that he doesn't have to worry about me. That I would rather him be in his ministry than be with me. I'd rather the man have both, but he is so caught up in the fact that he can't. How can I help him?? How can I support him???

He was suppose to put me on the bus to get home, but then he just said to use the money i was going to use to feed him and get myself home. I wanted to spend more time with him...

THIS IS FUCKED UP!!!! FUCKED UP!!!! NO WAY IN HELL TWO PEOPLE THAT LOVE EACH OTHER THIS MUCH IS CRAZY AS HELL!!!!!!

I finally get him on the phone and tell him to come back and he tells me he is hungry and he wants to go home and eat...that he'll talk to me later.

God what am I suppose to do...how can I help him?

Jesus please give him what he needs. Show him that you have been with him and always will be. That you created him from scratch and his design is not by mistake. Jesus I ask that you show him that he has been working and acting in accordance with you from the very beginning, and nothing is different...except he is growing and maturing.

God I don't know what to do. I need your help. I need you to show him that he is ok, and that nothing is wrong with him, but I need you to spell it out. Please...if you just make him feel good and he has a great spiritual and physical experience he will just attribute that to something else.

His family I cannot control...they will do what they want. His ministry is intact and has always been intact. I feel like a fool for telling him that I will step back. That I will put myself away for his ministry. That was not God when I spoke...I spoke from a place of fear.

If he was right in front of me right now, I'd tell him that he will not choose between the both of us. That you come first Jesus now and forever. That his ministry if it is his will happen no matter what. That if he wants it, it can happen no matter the circumstance.

I just realized something and God woke me up. What the hell am I crying for?!?!?! I serve the ever living God and all things are possible. Van prays that God's will be done and it will be...him coming to me is his will. I SEE IT!!!! I am [full name here] and I do not give up. I do not lose. I am in love with a man that God has chosen for me...a man that I am tied to mind, body, spirit, and heart.

I have nothing to fear and nothing to concern myself with. I am married to a fighter and a warrior. I have nothing to fear...I am strong and powerful because of the God that lives within me. God has been trying to get me to rest in him, and use him for a long time, and I have been playing games. No more.

I am going to take a book from Van. This is one area where I can learn from him....to rely and rest in the Lord more, and he can use more practical get up and do stuff from me. My God is not a liar...he is a way maker.

WATCH OUT BEFORE I START TO PREACH!!!!!!!!!!!!

He isn't going to know what hit him. Look out world...I"M COMING!!!!!!

:-)

J-Bo