VAN MAKES ME SO MAD!!!! :-) -_- :-/

So he text me asking me for money...money that he rightfully deserves.

I give him $20...the last money that I have. Now I have to walk home, but it is what it is. I lied and told him that I had the money to get home. I wanted him to have the money, because I know it will make him happy.

Can you believe I still want to make that man happy?!?!?!?! What is wrong with me?!?!?!? I keep telling myself he hates me, and if I were to die then he would just say God have mercy on his soul, and keep it moving.

Why do I keep thinking of him?!?!? Why when I saw him I wanted to kiss him...I wanted to hold him!!!! I think I am going crazy. :-)

I kept staring at his perfect ass...I could actually taste and smell him. SO GOOD!!!! I could have sworn that he was getting aroused just by me being there, and I was starting to also. I think I was seeing things.

I could have sworn he was calling to me. Just him standing there...him calling out to my heart, mind, spirit, and body. I keep telling myself that I am seeing things, and he would push me in front of a car to save himself. I mean the man hates me... :'-(

I so want him to get to the point where he realizes that him being gay has nothing to do with anything. It is a part of who he is. If all the proof in the world don't mean nothing, then the only thing that matters is his beliefs. He firmly believes this way, even with proof to the contrary. It is like someone not believing smoking gives you cancer, and shortens your life even with all the proof.

WTF?!?!?!?!?! -_-

I owe this man $980 more, and I am torn. I want to give it to him in one lump sum, so he doesn't have to see me again. So he can keep himself from being in my presence. But the other part of me wants to give it out in increments, so that I can see him. What do I do?!?! I love him enough that if I can I will give him all the money in one fell swoop.

I don't want him to be around me when he doesn't want to...is it stupid of me to say that I feel he wants to be with me. I mean he says he wants a confirmation from God, and I think he has been getting it, but it is like I told him. One person can get raped and move onto do great things and succeed in life, and another person can get raped and turn to drugs, alcohol, food, and other things to deal, and be crippled.

I have to get this man the rest of is money so he can be free of me. I don't want him to keep having to be around me, and he hates me so much.

I think I am going to have to go and get me another COGIC man...from Kelly Temple. They are at least gay and have to deal and they accept it. One of them Van should be very similar except they should have the benefit of not feeling bad about themselves.

Is it sad that I love him so bad, that I am looking for someone that is like him, but not him?? What am I doing?? Jesus please help!!!!

How can love be wrong?? How can it be wrong?? I know it isn't, but what can I do?!?!!? Why is he stuck in his ways...why won't he leap??? Yes it is scary, but it is also so good...so awesome. SO FREEING!!!!

Lemme get ready to go for this walk. It is going to be hell on my knees, but I need the exercise. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. My little cousin from BK that knows him, was asking for him on Saturday. WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!