MY HEART!!!!!

Some of you were not pleased with my post. I did go in, but all of you could see that I was lashing out and that I didn't mean it.

Bottom line is that I am head over heals in love with Van and will always be. We were put together for a reason, and sometimes I feel he is meant for me. The times I don't is when I focus on him being a hot ass mess.

In any case to all my cyber fans I want to apologize to you, Van, and myself. I don't want anyone to think that I am a bad person, or just act out of my emotions. I try not to be like that, but I am a real human boy. Sometimes I make the huge mistake of being an ass.

I did read the headline and first few lines of his blog post. I try not to read is stuff because I don't think he wants me to so I forced myself not to read it. I know he is pretty upset with me, but that is what it is. I'll make it up to him later...what can I say?

I lost a friend so I am feeling hurt. I love him to death and want to touch and hug and kiss him, but I have to hold back because he is going through a crazy stage. EVERYTHING IN ME TELLS ME TO LOVE HIM WITH EVERYTHING AND WHEN WE ARE TOGETHER IT FEELS SO GOD...EVEN MAKING HIM UPSET.

Making him mad and fighting with him is the only way I can deal with him at times without touching him. If I don't keep busy and talking I might do something. I have to stay strong, and I will stay strong. I know that most of you think that I am being a dick...but honestly it is a survival instinct.

He does some good stuff. He helped me for like 3 semesters of musicianship so I owe him a lot just on that front. I owe him something like just short of $1000 alone. He'll get his payment... :-)

I was so close to just kissing him and holding him and never letting go. I am getting better at holding myself back though...I just keep up a real hard exterior and he backs off. I call it my hard face, and he knows I mean business.

I am off to bed now...thinking about him has me sweating. There is this guy that reminds me so much of him. I feel bad, because I am using this guy to make me busy...it isn't working too much. The only thing that saves me is that I tell myself over and over again that this is what is best for Van.

I tell myself whenever it comes up that he is happy, and that what I feel for him is all chemical. That it is all just chemicals going off in my body and it means nothing. He smiled at me today and I swooned. He asked me to buy food for him and I pretended like I was annoyed, but I was happy to do it...to see his face and everything was awesome.

Is it weird that I pray and ask God to protect him...to keep him safe? I tell God to take away all his desires for me and let me have it all so he is happy and at peace.

Even now I sit here thinking about how he made me smile when I left him. I love how he hits me, and comes after me. I swear I have it bad.

J-Bo

P.S. I just read his whole post and he totally misunderstood what I was doing. He missed what I was dong and why I was doing it, but maybe this is good. He thinks the worst of me and he hates me right now so he can be all his family wants him to be. As long as I keep up this whole being an asshole persona he will just buy it.

P.P.S. I don't like doing this, but maybe this will make him happy. Maybe he will feel good. I have to make him think that I am a horrible person. I can do it!!!