Graduation Party Woes!!!! :-(

Forgive me for this you guys I need to vent.

I was chatting with Van on facebook chat, and he told me that he really wants me at his party. I believe him. I know some of you are thinking that he doesn't really want me there, but one thing is undeniable...that man loves me and he wants me in his life. He just has to make peace with that.

But besides all that good stuff, he tells me he is scared.

He is scared of what others may see and perceive, and he is scared of what people will say.

I mean they are already talking about this man behind his back, but I understand...he cares a lot about their opinions of him. I mean there opinions of him are his opinions of himself.

So he tells me to come, and then he tells me not to come. I know he is bothered that I am not coming, but the fear and the fact he focuses on pain that hasn't happened that he makes it so real. He is a victim of his circumstances and it kills me...he shows such resolve and strength at times... :-(

So I will not be going, and he is going to be singing 3 songs: 1 aria, 1 jazz standard, and 1 hymn. I really wanted to hear him do his thing, and see his family finally support him like they should be...110%!!!!!

But I told him to send me a video and mp3 so I will have to see it after everyone else. I am not going to lie...it does hurt my feelings, but it is what it is.

If it come to his family thinking badly of him and my hurt feelings I will get trampled on again and again. That is not true, but it does seem to happen.

I just wanted to get this stuff out...it was bothering me, and I didn't want to unload on Van. He won't even invite his other friends for fear of what his family will ask and say about them. These are some very judgemental Christians. Smh.

It seems that everyone that knows this man more than just what he chooses to show around his family and church family cannot be invited. It is weird to me...I am the closest person to this man...a real true best and closest friend to him and I cannot go.

Even those that are good friends that know him, and love him even though he doesn't love himself and just want him to be him cannot go.

Only those that don't know him and only know what he shows can go...minus his brother that loves him no matter what.

I just needed to vent, because it bothers me. But it doesn't bother him. He is ok with how everything is so I just gotta be ok with it, and as his friend support him.

Now off to bed...

J-Bo