Kelly Temple COGIC

I wanted to start this off with words by a very good friend of mine at school. He is another singer and a really smart guy.

‎"I don't think we know how special we are. Hearing the lady preacher at the concert got me doing a little research. An ejaculation has 200 million sperms, and only a select few get into the Fallopian tube, due to harsh environments, few live long enough for fertilization. Those that do have to FIGHT through layers on an egg. Only one does. Moral of this is YOU REALLY ARE SPECIAL. God really singled you out. 200 is hypothetical, however a number brings it into our scope rather than saying an ambiguous "millions"."

In other words you are who you are not by chance. You really are chosen and created for a reason. You are special!!!

The reason I shared this on facebook is because it is so serious. If you were born gay, black, white, tall, short, no limbs, handicap, or whatever the case you are not here by mistake. This just reinforces how I was raised, and more importantly what I believe that there is nothing wrong with me. I am who I am, because God said so.

Of course I wanted to say this to Van, but alas there is nothing I can do. He has a speaking engagement today, and I really want to be there and hear him do his thing. I know what you guys are saying/thinking, but this is a great opportunity for him. I would really like to hear him speak and sing to these people. I know he can motivate them. He will be speaking to kids like him...gay, disenfranchised, scared, outcast, bored. I hope he knows that he has to hit on a lot of different fronts.

Now on to my real post.

Guys I need some help. I am having a real serious issue. Creating a business is hard work. It is so not easy, but so worth it. I know that I am meant to be in control of my own destiny. I am not meant to be dependent on anyone else. I have to make this work, and it will work. My first guilty pleasure buy will be a private jet. Just wait and see. :-)

I woke up this morning and prayed on it real hard...two things came to me without any fears and no hesitation. Create my businesses and give unto his people. I also asked God what to do with Van. He said to love from a far. I heard everything in time...that when this man comes around I will see love from him that will make all our dreams and goals a reality. We will have success and fulfillment.

I got this confirmed from others, and I even got the opposite from others. I guess it is what am I going to believe. I know one thing though. When I think about him, I push it out of my mind. I force it out, and do anything to unfocus on it. I know that I shouldn't have to do that so I am feeling this way for a reason.

I need that man in my life. Maybe that is a little strong. LMAO!!! I can be a bit extra at times, but we do work. :-)

Our one and only issue is that he feels he is not suppose to be gay which is crazy. He feels it is not who is suppose to be, but he only feels that way because he was taught that. Not saying he is being controlled, but he was raised a certain way, and he believes that it should be the way. I know he sees another way, but what can I do about that.

I know that being gay is ok. I have spiritual proof, scriptural proof, scientific, and testimonial proof. I may be simple sometimes, but I am no fool. I made this choice with hard work and dedication. I know in my bones one thing is true...God is working and things are always evolving and changing.

 I mean if we stayed in the past then we would have no medicine that is keeping my grandmother alive and well. The women in my family would not be as strong as they are and doing everything they are doing. I mean Van's grandmother and aunt is a pastor/preacher. According to the bible they are not supposed to do that. There are so many things in the bible that we see are rules from the past, and as we study and research we see things differently.

I said it before and I say it again. Why is Van fighting all this info right in his face?? Does he need his family to agree with it? I mean he accepts scientific, and technological advances without a second thought, and all those come from God, and all those are not in the bible. SMH!!! -_-

So here is my goal for right now. Every man and even woman I see and talk to reminds me of Van. Like it is not a joke. I don't even think he realizes how in me he is. So I decided to go to Kelly's Temple since that is really a highly concentrated gay church in COGIC. Van has sold me on COGIC, but I will never tell him that. I prefer non-denominational, because when Christ came it was not to create more separation, but to create unity.

I keep on getting my heart pulled to him. It sucks because I don't exist anymore. He can't wait for school to be over, so he will never have to even think about the chance of seeing me again. That is a sucky feeling.

My little spiel. :-)

I miss this man so much that I am thinking of going there and finding someone that a PK/PGK and of course everything else will fall in place. I am sure I will find someone that is just as smart and dedicated.

I get mixed reviews...so many people are telling me that I am boring extreme. Others say to get with someone else that he isn't worth my time or energy. Some are telling me that he is in love with me, and he is just doing what he feels he must, but when things change he'll come back home.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSE TO DO?!?!?!?!

Van made a joke about us joining Kelly Temple, and I would be down for that, because he gets his precious COGIC (even though he'd be happy in my church since it is very COGIC like, and the word is very good.), and I get a church where I feel comfortable in being who I am...the man God created.

So what do you guys think?

Should I go through with this and find someone that reminds me of the man that I love, so that I can hopefully stop thinking of him?? Even as I write this I don't want to. I don't want to do it. God knows I don't. I feel that it is the wrong thing to do. I keep getting patience and long suffering. I hear all these stories of how people came around and their eyes were opened.

I mean Aaron, Dishone, myself, and others have come around over time. Even our mutual voice teacher who told me again yesterday that Van is going through what he must. He said that he did what Van did until he was in his mid 40s. He even got married to a woman trying to prove to himself he was straight. I just need to see the future. :-)

So I think that this Sunday I will go to Kelly Temple. I think that I will walk in there, and see what is going on. I don't want to...I know who I want. I want the man who proposed to me, but that isn't going to work right now. I mean my best friend Louis loves him, my parents, and everyone I introduced him too falls in love. Except for my girl Nora...she is just very jealous and possessive. :-)

I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I am the only one thinking of him. I mean my parents ask about him, my niece, my BFA friends. It is just so sad. I feel like it all means nothing, and I just don't mean a damn thing. That I could disappear today and he wouldn't even know. You know those people that you disappear from and when you come back they didn't even know you were gone.

Going to the movies today to see Think Like a Man, and The Lucky One. One is a romantic comedy and the other is a romance movie. I'm going to see them with this guy that I met few weeks ago, that asks me out every other week. I keep telling him I have a boyfriend who is actually my husband, but he doesn't care. SMH.

I will go. He is paying. We shall see what happens. He really reminds me of Van, but the only difference is that he is Van when Van is totally comfortable, and carefree and not looking over his shoulder and trying to put on a front.

I promise less of these post will be about him. I hope.

J-Bo

P.S. Sorry for being this post being so long. I just have so much boiling inside of me, and the person I want to share and bounce ideas off of I can't.  I hate principalities!!!!!!!!! I HATE THEM!!!!!!!