He's Not Happy

So I told Van about my plans and he said he is not happy about them. I made him live up to his name as my friend and just be a man and be there for me. I am there for him, and I demand the same.

What it comes down to is that he doesn't want me to be with anyone else to be honest, but he would be very happy if it was someone from another denomination that he doesn't know.

I told him that there is a way where he can really hide and get rid of his feelings towards me. I told him he can get to the point where I don't mean anything to him at all, but I am not sure why he won't let me do it. I mean if I do we can be a in a room...hell a bed and he won't feel anything towards me.

I don't want to do this, but to be honest I am on the rebound, and I am looking for a rebound guy. I am looking for someone that has the great things about him...the good and bad, because that's the stuff that makes him so special.

Of course I want someone that has come to the place to realize that God sees nothing wrong with who they are, and are past where he is in his life right now.

I wish things would be different. Everyone sees us as being a great couple...with faults of course but that is no problem.

I see a different picture than him...I see us with separate careers and paths that join together. There is no reason he cannot be a doctor who sings, and I be a business man who sings, and we either operate in our ministry together or separate.

Married couples don't do everything together...I mean that would be a bit much.

The thing is that he believes a certain thing, and his view on his identity is a certain thing, so everything he sees, believes, and thinks is shaded by his beliefs and identity. The same goes for me and you.

My beliefs and identity say something different, so I see things differently.

He also told me that we may fall out of contact. When he said it I could tell he didn't want that to happen. He had no desire for that. He is just speaking. He is so freaking dramatic sometimes. He has a real flare for the dramatics...a true drama queen, but I do love it. :-)

I asked him if he wanted me out of his life, and he told me he couldn't answer. I don't see the problem.

We were in a room together and he told me that I had to leave after a while because he was feeling something. Nothing happened of course...I am committed to not letting anything happen. It pains me, but it is for the best. He is not ready for me...being with me mean taking his dreams and blowing them up to and even larger bigger reality. He can't dream small with me. ;-)

Van is my closest best friend, and I am his. We aren't going anywhere...

He really doesn't want me to date anyone else, but he will get over it if it will make me happy. He really, really doesn't want me dating anyone in his denomination, because he swears it will get back to him years down the line. He really is funny about him having the world's worst luck.

It is true I am trying to replace him. He is the best thing God has brought into my life. I see him as a blessing, and I can tell he is still battling about that. He wants to see me as a bad thing, but deep down he doesn't.

So to make peace I will be on the rebound, and will be with someone that brings a lot that he did, and that reminds me of him. I know I am on the rebound, and it sucks, but it is what it is. This way neither of us really gets what we wants. But we get a great friendship within each other.

J-Bo

P.S. Guys it really pains me and it is so annoying because I know in my heart and gut that loving and being with Van is the right thing to do. It is the best thing to do. But his current beliefs and identity don't allow it. He is not ready for what I can bring into his life, so he won't get it via a relationship, but he can get some of it via a friendship.

P.P.S. I want him to know that I am not his "friends," and I am not his family. I will never turn him away and forsake him. I will never treat him like anything less than what he deserves. I am always there for him...I am his friend. I will never make him feel less than because he is not doing what I think he should do. It is his life, and whatever makes him happy makes me happy. That is the way it should be.