Friday, August 31, 2012

Where are all the real men?!?!?!

Where am I?? I am in the greatest city on earth and for some reason there seem to be no good men. No wonder people are alone and not in relationships, and people are burying themselves in their work, and stuff.

I was heading to get some music for this choral job that I am doing, and can you believe what I get exposed to. Super fem guys.

Now I have no problem with people being fem. But come one...I am not saying I am one of those dudes that will go out and fight and be some rough neck or something, but can we be real please. Men please be men...I don't care if you have some sugar in your tank, and not all that straight acting.

My ex was the same way, and he worked fine for me, but I don't need someone who is trying to be all like girl this, and being extra.

I don't mean to vent, but come on. I may have to go back to woman for a while. It seems that everyone is doing drugs, and alcoholics, and they are just abusive people. Where are my extraordinary people.

I need help yall...I need it real bad.

Anyway, back to work, and then home...not looking forward to seeing the old people, but it is what it is, and I just have to endure it. Maybe they won't notice me. :-)

I ask that God send a man into my life that has his own dreams and aspirations that I can help, and he can help mine. I want another iron sharpens iron relationship.

Now from the level of a drag queen to someone like will smith I like a man with some sugar in his tank, but not enough to give me diabetes. Someone like a Tyler Perry...or a Race Cooper who is very masculine yet has a good balance of feminine to him as well.

I just cannot deal with these guys that come out looking like a woman...if I want a woman I can get one. Hell one has been chatting me up on my block for sometime now...she is cute, but I already know where that will end up.

Not going to do it.


Ttyl

J-Bo

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Compliments when I needed them

I just came from doing something really stupid...I mean stupid.

Well not that stupid, but I feel blah and like what was I thinking.

But I ended up getting some really great stuff to come out of it.  I am not going to say what the stupid thing was, because I feel like shit over it, but I will make amends.

On the other hand I was singing Wandrers Nactlied by Schubert on my way home, and someone stopped me and said they remember that from when they were a little girl. She thanked me so much, because that song was the song her first love sang to her over and over again, and she was feeling torn, but I guess I helped out somehow.

We both got off the bus and her ex and soon to be current boyfriend was there and she asked me to sing it for him, and he was ecstatic. He joined in.

I cannot believe we were singing in harmony...I just fell right into it. At first it was me, and then it was him, and then while he was singing I started singing harmony and it worked. I didn't even think about it. :-)

Then more people gathered around, and I swear people were loving my voice. I wish I could hear what they hear because to me it is just noise.

My mother just tried to ruin my mood, by attacking me about something, and it is what it is. I'm not stressing it. I gotta make moves people so back to work I go. TTYL!!!

J-Bo

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Time is flying by...

It is so cool to have all my friends from school calling me to see when I am going to stop by, and to just to hear my voice and see my face.

I never really knew what kind of an effect I had on people.

I am working hard at getting some serious money coming in, and unfortunately, because this is big stuff it is taking so long to get things moving in the direction that I want it to.

Don't get me wrong things are moving and they are moving nicely. It is just taking so long...think of it as trying to move the ship the size of the titanic...it takes time and nothing can be done.

Big dreams demands an even bigger will.

So in between all the phone calls, and texts from friends and loved ones, I am off to work. Got so much more to do, and so little time to do it.

Wish me luck.

J-Bo

P.S. There is this guy I see in the morning when I go to work out. He is really cute and keeps looking at me, and I swear I am getting that vibe. One of my friends said that Van is out there slinging his ass and mouth on every guy he sees, and I would be a fool to do nothing. It made me mad, but what if it is true...I don't want to be a fool. We shall see...

Monday, August 27, 2012

LET ME OUT!!!! PLEASE!!!!!

So I have to vent a little. My parents are fucking NUTS!!!!!

First me and my father get into an argument, and I swear he is driving to the edge of leaving and never calling him again.

Then my mother comes in and tells me a whole lot of shit. Making demands, and making statements...OMG.

LEMME OUT PLEASE!!!!!!

So now I am off to bed, and then tomorrow I leave and try to find some peace.

I cannot wait to leave and I swear they won't have to worry about hearing from me, for a long time. I cannot wait to be on my own.

I just hope that things work out sooner rather than later.

Night all...pray for me.

J-Bo

Commencement of Holy Convocation

Today marked the final day of Holy Convocation and I am happy to say it was a blast.

Last night some friends and I went to karaoke and there were like real singers, so it was great. I wore my voice out, but I sang reggae, soul, r&b, hip-hop, pop, gospel, and rock. Too much fun!!!

We were all dancing and just acting a fool...I love spending time with them because they are so much fun. I forgot to invite this girl I know called Kiara...I know she likes to have a great time and she can get down with the cause.

Then I made it to church in time and we had an awesome time...

Bishop ran over 1 hour, but that is ok. I stayed awake...he has a habit of saying the same thing 10 times, so I was done. Tired from last night. :-)

Then I hung out with my boy Lou and his wife, picked up my parents from the airport cause they went on a cruise, and now I am home.

Today has been a long day, and I must say I am having fun.

Tomorrow is back to work and that means time for me to get to sleep. I want to leave something with you guys.

Nothing big. Something that was sent to me, that I guess it is being shown to children to help them understand what being gay is about...but I think it is more for adults.

Lemme know what you think.

J-Bo


Saturday, August 25, 2012

I was born gay, you were taught religion...

I woke up today and I was just feeling so good...I mean it has been a long time when I didn't feel I had to fight and control anything.

Aaron, Steve, and Dishone all stayed over last night and we had a conversation that made me think.

I was born gay/bi, but you were taught religion. I had no control over how I was born...just as if I was born left handed or with different color eyes or ears.

I am made perfect because I was chosen and designed this way by my creator.

Guys I have been feeling more and more at peace with myself. I don't have to fight myself anymore...I don't feel ashamed and I don't feel the need to put up a front anymore.

I mean I am out and I will let ppl know if they ask me, but I am no longer hiding. I am this way b/c God chose it and I know people will have a problem, but that is not my problem.

It reminds me of the hypocrisy that is going on in the church. I have people telling me all these great things, and all that they see for me in God's vision for my life...so I thank them, and also know that if I came out and told them they would try to take it all back.

What God has for me no man can take away, and I am going to be strong in who I am as a man.

Dishone said he wishes Van was still around because we are all together now and it would be great if he was here too.

Oh well...I wish him all the best and he will always be the man that I loved and still do, and I will always see him as a great friend. Not sure when or if our paths will cross, but I will always consider him to be a friend and I never throw people away.

It is not what Jesus has shown, and to act that way is to not be a christian, but an embarrassment. And I don't want to be anyone less than the best me...I am going to be a man with an open heart, open spirit, and an open mind.

I try everyday to love, and give a little more. I really thank God I am who I am...of course I would love certain things that cannot change to change, but that is only because I am human.

Now back to my company, and to work, and then tonight I gotta hang out with my friends and have an awesome time.

J-Bo

P.S. Things are looking up. I want to show you guys what I have been doing, but soon. Things are going to get better and I want to share that with you all.

P.P.S. Seeing Aaron and Dishone just with each other makes me miss the man I fell in love with. I just pray that God works it out.

Holy Convocation

God is too good...

Went to Holy Convocation tonight and it was AWESOME!!!!! :-)

I mean I had an awesome time, and it was too much fun.

The message of the sermon was "He Still Chose Me;" and the leading scripture was Romans 8: 28-31

It was a powerful night and I am happy I went.

I know for sure that God chose me, and I am perfect in his sight. I am a man that God has chosen for a reason.

I have been feeling very weak and vulnerable and about to fall into someone or a few a lot of someones' bed... :-(

I was feeling the need to be intimate and be close to someone...but I know that it is the wrong thing for me to do.

God doesn't want that...I am meant to be with someone I love and can grow with. So I guess that means I am going to be celibate until I get into a relationship.

I want to be in love, and have those feelings again...I want to have that same connection and bond that I had before. I want something new and exciting.

I cannot lie all this has me thinking about that fool, but it is all good. He don't want me, and he don't care, so that is just something I have to live with. I am going to be with someone that wants to be with me, and someone that loves me, and someone that is committed to getting better and having the best in all areas...period.

I look forward to introducing you guys to that man...God tied someone to me, and brought him into my life, but of course that was messed up by him. Now I have to wait for God to send me someone else.

I just want to thank God for the great day...now I have my friends over here, and they are staying the night. So it is a night of laughs and good times.

J-Bo

Thursday, August 23, 2012

OPERA--La Traviata!!!!

Watching La Traviata by Verdi on PBS with some friends, and we are making noise.

It is so much fun...what is also fun is that I got all the music to sing for that choir. All opera stuff and oratorio stuff.

I cannot lie...I am excited to get started, and I will show it to my voice teachers and vocal coach, and begin working on them. I figure it can't hurt to get more opera rep under my belt.

On a side note, my kids are having an awesome time on their vacation...I wish I was with them.

They told me they talked to Van, and one of them mentioned my name. I told them that the last thing he wants to do is hear my name and even think of me.

Van wants to pretend like I never happened, and act as if I don't exist.

So I told them to keep a line open to him if he keeps it open to them, and just to keep my name out of their mouth talking to him.

They asked me even if it is really bad news or good news?? I told them that if it is really good news why would he care about that...my well-being isn't his concern. I can make a difference and help the lives of millions of people and make a huge difference, and he would talk against me and discredit me.

And if it is bad news he might go ahead and say that I am being punished by God, and that I am a bad person and this is suppose to happen to me.

Even though I told them that, I don't really feel that in my spirit, but it is easier to believe he doesn't even remember or care about me.

I hope they listen...I don't want them to burn any bridges...if they can act like I don't exist then all will be well.

BTW, this opera is sick. I cannot wait for my chance to do it one day. I always wonder how it will work with me as a black man, but I am sure there will be a way.

Hopefully someone will write a few new operas for black people like they did for Porgy and Bess, and hopefully they write an opera for black characters with a modern twist. We shall see...but you know what they say.

Be the change you want to see in the world.

J-Bo

Challenges of a young black gay man

Just wanted to share an article with you guys...hope you like it, and hope it helps someone.

J-Bo

Challenges of a young black gay man: I lied to my parents and family about whom I was dating, what my life was really like, or even when I would get married.
-----------------------------------------------------------

I’ve been lying to everyone for most of my life. I lied to Mava and Daniel, my two best friends in high school when they asked me if I was queer. I lied to every girlfriend who I used to prove myself that I wasn’t gay. I lied to my parents and family about whom I was dating, what my life was really like, or even when I would get married.

I thought I was fooling everyone by playing like I was straight. I even got one of my close friends to pretend as if they were my girlfriend on my 21st birthday. I showed her to my mom, she liked her and she kept on asking me about her and how our relationship was going. I would often avoid the subject when my mom asked me about her and said things were fine.

I was overwhelmed with the shame of being gay in a world that worships masculine power. I suffered immensely the pain of knowing that I cant change the one thing that makes me different from other men. I used to imagine that being gay would ruin my life completely and there is nothing that I can do to change it.

Living a double standard life is very hard and depressing. I used to question myself everyday why and how I turned like this. I hated my life because of my sexuality. It used to bring me into an emotional roller coaster every time I thought of it.

I used to get mixed of emotions when I saw my friends with their girlfriends or with girls, hugging and laughing together. I felt sad, angry and depressed inside because it's what I wanted but I could not have.

I used to look at the world around me, the world of friends, acquaintances and family; and I would imagine that very few people will ever accept for being gay. I would imagine that I would be a social outcast that has failed in life. I was afraid of losing people that are dear to me. I envisioned a lonely life, one that is childless and a social outcast. I believed that the life that I have known will completely collapse the day I announce that I was gay.

The net of lies that I had created around my life would soon close in on me. People that I look up to and highly respect would often ask me: “When am I showing them my girlfriend?”  I remember my autie once said to me: “Tshepo makoti o kae, we want to see who you are sharing your life with.” I felt like digging a hole as I didn’t have an answer for her.

Straight people don’t have to come out of the closet, because they’ve never been in one. They’ve never been compelled to lie about or hide their sexual orientation, because they live in a society that accepts and celebrates it. I eventually came to a point in my life where I chose and decided to live an authentic life, one that is not overridden by lies and secret affairs with other men.

All that I ever wanted was to be accepted by those that love and not be judged. I used to believe that “coming out” doesn’t make any sense as straight people don’t have to come out and say to their family that they are “straight.”  But I have come to appreciate that at times family just wants us to be happy and live a fulfilled life.

I had to come to a point where I had to be a man and take responsibility of my life and stop living behind my fears. The fear of the “unknown” reaction when my family learns that I am gay and will NEVER bring a girl home always haunted me.

To my surprise when I did eventually bring my boyfriend home he was welcomed and the resounding message that I got was: “This is your life and if you dating another man makes you happy so be it. We will support you and welcome him to the family without exception.”

There is nothing as fulfilling like when gay man who was previously in the closet and brings his boyfriend home; and receives the love and support from his family at large.

Maybe I am blessed to have an understanding family that is modern and has moved with the times. The love and emotional support displayed toward my partner is priceless. When he was home he became part of the family as if he was one the “ kids in the family”. The support I received from everyone including extended family; elders, aunties, uncles, cousins etc; is worth treasuring.

I used to think that my life would end the day I “come out” instead today I live a life of richness and added dimension of emotional depth that you can’t imagine before I took that leap of faith of living an open life about my sexuality to those that are dear to me.

As much as I don’t believe in holding a “COMING OUT CONFERENCE” with your family, I believe that living an authentic life that is not based on lies involves introducing your partner that you plan to spend your life with to your family. This is off course to end the speculation, gossip and most of false expectations that you will eventually bring a girlfriend, get married and live happily ever after with your wife.

When I confronted my “identity crisis” and faced the truth of who I really was, my life began to take on an entirely new look. No matter how hard it might be to be openly gay, it is the path toward being authentic.  Living a lie has never and will be a pretty sight.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Nothing to say...

Guys I am sorry to say, but these past 2 days have been super unproductive...and when I say unproductive I mean that I have been working hard, but I have only been getting better in like 2 areas.

I know for most that would be awesome, but I have too much to do, and too much to accomplish.

But rest assured...tomorrow I will have an update. Or maybe the next day that I have made some serious strides, and work has been done. :-)

So that is all for now...also an update Aaron and Dishone have been going at it again. Simple kid stuff mind you.

I swear they don't know how great they have it...I mean it is crazy!!!!!

So I told them I will help them find a couples counselor...someone to be that middleman for them. It has to be free, but I am sure I can point them in the right direction.

I also promised them they can use me until they find someone else...I really should be getting paid...my friend makes $250 an hour, but he has a degree.

My other friend makes $750 an hour no degree, but he gets results and he gets them fast. Guess who I admired and want to model. ;-)

I'll keep you guys abreast of what is going on in my life tomorrow, and as of right now I am still single. I have no real interest.

I mean there are people who want to have sex, but I want more. There are people who are talking a good game...I mean they are slick. They are just as good and even better than I am...I almost fell for a few tricks. SMH!!!!

But ppl are sick and I refuse to get caught out there...I am looking for that something special. God gave it to me before, and I am hoping that he will give it to me again. I know it is out there.

I wonder how Van is doing sometime...especially when I see his brother and sister post and do great things and just live their lives. Especially his brother...who is the man in my eyes.

I think I respect his courage and determination, b/c Van lacked it.

I do wish he had his brother's guts and glory and determination to be his own man at any cost and walk his own walk.

That is not important now...I have things to do and dreams to attain and a life to design. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. I got an offer to sing with a chorus...doing Wagner, Verdi, Strauss, Gounod, Handel, and more. I cannot WAIT!!! GETTING MY NAME OUT THERE!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! :-D

Monday, August 20, 2012

Slept from 5pm to 1pm...21 hours sleep!!! WTF?!?!

So like the title says I was sleep yesterday from 5pm to 1pm...a total of 21 hours.

I have periods of me waking up and stuff, but I was basically sleeping for hours and hours.

WTF?!?!?!

I so need a vacation...I am really thinking of leaving the country like real soon...what am I going to do??

So I woke up and started working on some stuff...today most of it was centered around my music, but that doesn't make it any easier.

I do have all my songs now except my oratorio arias, and I am doing that now.

So now I am working on this other music and then tomorrow I get back to my list of 20 different things.

God I love being so busy...I am talking to my voice teachers and coach and getting ready for work and auditions and competitions. I should be ready come September or the end of September.

I know that I have a whole year to audition for the MET so that is my far off goal, and I have performing, recording, writing, and mastering to do before then.

That is all for now.

My friend Steve came by and he is playing video games with my brother, and there is suppose to be a whole bunch of people here tomorrow.

Gotta get ready for a long day of fun and action...

Holy Convocation week has started for us, but I have to go to my choir rehearsal, so I have to see if we get out early enough to go. We shall see.

Pray for my strength and peace yall...I already have it, but I can always use more.

J-Bo

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Happy Sunday!!!!

These past few days have been awesome, and I mean really awesome.

From joining a new choir, to getting ready to do some auditions and get out there (which reminds me I have more songs to work on.)

I am also jazzed that my family went on a cruise for a week, and I have nothing, but good news on these businesses. I am looking to get my first building purchased before the year is over and I already have a few prospects. :-D

And everything else in my life is looking up...really looking good. I swear I keep getting better and more and more everyday.

A few days ago, my father found himself giving me and my other brother a nice long speech. Here are the three things that I took from it, that he was really hitting home.
  1. Take risk and make mistakes
  2.  If I find myself in love and the person I am with is moving and I can move too go and do it...LIVE!!!! He said true love don't come around everyday so hold on when you know you got it good.
  3. Plan for the long term and short term...don't get so caught up in one area of your life that you forget and neglect everything else.
I must say the man spit some good stuff, but my brother and I were not in the mood and he kept on going and going.

It was brutal, but at least we survived.

So my kids are now gone...they are off on their cruise, and off to go home.

Not everyone was going the same place.

It was so nice to see them, and spend time with them, and see that at least they have grown and matured and gotten better. Nice to see someone with some fortitude.

Now I am off to church...well in a few hours.

Happy Sunday people!!!!

J-Bo

Saturday, August 18, 2012

My Kids...

Gotta make this one quick because I am running around like crazy, and doing this post on my phone.

I am having a great time with the kids. They are just taking me to a great place, and we are having so much fun.

Nothing is off limits...and nothing is  a no.

Today we go back to the village, and then we are off to do some kayaking, and I wanted to take them out of the city to Connecticut, but I prefer something else.

J-Bo

Friday, August 17, 2012

Do I hate him?? :-)

First and foremost I want everyone to know that I have no ill feelings toward Van. None!! Actually we had many more good and great times then we had bad...it was just the religious views that we couldn't get past.

God has a hand in who falls in love with who. I believe that you are destined to meet certain people, and after that what happens depends on you.

Van and I made a good run of it for over 2 years. We were really happy, but what can I say...these things happen.

Van also taught me so much...about me, life, love, passion, and so much more. He said he never knew love until he met me, and I have to say the same. I have never felt that for anyone ever before.

We complimented each other on so much...and we were so similar. Except I tend to be more extreme and global thinking and Van is more reserved and a local thinker.

We really complimented each other, and I have never had a relationship people looked at an envied and said they wanted. I cannot be mad at that...God did a good thing linking us up.

I have no complaints.

I met the right man at the right time, but maybe at the wrong time.

But it was the best wrong time I have had so far!!!! God truly is something awesome. :-D

Never wanted to be with someone...I just wanted to be...and the same goes for Van.

But it didn't happen that way. I have grown so much emotionally and mentally and spiritually that I am so excited about my future.

I gotta go now guys. Mack and Corey came to the city to visit...they are only here until Sunday then they are off to go on a cruise. They asked me to go with them, but I do have things that I need to take care of.

I promised we will all go again later.

So to round it all off...I do not hate Van. I still love the man. He has proven to be a great friend, great lover, potential life partner, and a great all around guy.

It was hard to let him go, but I did it. I will always keep an ear out for him to see how things are going. I have people who still talk to him who will lemme know of anything serious.

I am so easy...so happy!!! Thank God!!!!

Now I have to kick Mack's ass in video games...excuse me. ;-)

J-Bo

Thursday, August 16, 2012

4-Part Harmony

So today was good...despite the fact I had to leave to get outta my parents face and stop hearing them bitch and moan, it was real nice.

I got some work done not a lot...tomorrow the rubber meets the road.

I hung out at school with one of my music friends, just working on some stuff. It was real nice...

Then I finally went to go see my friend and his new choir. It was so much fun singing with a group of people.

And what was even more awesome was the voices...OMG!!! The VOICES!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And at least 3 of them had classical training...LMAO!!! Van woulda tripped at how great everyone was.

So I am going to be hanging with them every Tuesday and Thursday and sing, and just praise and rejoice. I am having the time of my life as of late.

I do like how things are coming along and moving very nicely and fast. I have to say one thing...I am so grateful.

I am still working on my life...mastery is a life long pursuit...not a destination. Same goes for excellence and greatness.

Ok. That is all. I am very tired. Just me and my brother in the house, and I am going to take advantage of that and get some sleep.

God helped me extend my musical family and influence from the BFAs to the MVPs...

Oh God...they just walked into the house. I gotta go hold up in my room. I should be able, God willing, to be moving out before the year is over. :-D

J-Bo

They are both HERE!!! -_-

This is going to be quick because I have to get the hell outta this house.

Long story short my father came home like 3am. Of course he knocks om my door and ask why am I still in my bed at 10??

I didn't say because I went to bed at 4am and I haven't eaten anything so my body is tired...he don't care about that.

But I get up and start to get some work done and some cleaning done.

Then my mother knocks on my door bothering me about something. I am so done with these old people talking to me when I want to be left alone.

So now I am leaving to go to school...to get my work done and sleep.

It is that time to really make moves because I am going to leave in a way and not see these people for a very long time. Thank God I am confident and independent.

If I was attached to them, and needy and dependant I would be a sad person. I couldn't allow myself to be my own man and go out into the world and live. Thank God they sowed that into me.

Time to go...going to also audition for a choir and make some connections. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. I still like the Bi title...makes me feel good and I can play both sides even though I only want one. Just referring to my last post.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

My Confession:

First I want to start buy saying I had a really great day today.

I spent it with some really special fun people. We talked, we sang, and we just were there for each other.

I of course am exhausted...just so you guys know what I gave here is what I am drained in: mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained.

I gave a lot to myself, and I have to give more over to me...So I have to replenish...nothing special or big. Just part of the process.

So I want to tell you guys something that many people don't know. I was sexually targeted when I was younger and use that as an excuse for why I was so slutty growing up, and why I was with men and women from such a young age.

The truth is that before I was ever sexually "targeted" I was doing stuff with boys my age. I was attracted to the same sex. I knew I was interested in things that all the other boys weren't.

That is nothing new and many of you already know that I consider myself to bisexual, but to be honest I force myself to be sexual with women.

Don't get me wrong I enjoy the sex, but it is more forced on my part. I make myself get into it. When I watch porn I watch gay porn and only watched straight porn with friends. When I would look at straight porn I was focused more on the man and if I did look at the women it was just to keep up appearances.

Not to say that I wasn't interested and liked any of the women I was with and seeing, but I knew that being with a man just clicked...I mean after I got pass my guilt it was easy.

I am not sure why I am getting this off my chest. I mean the title of my blog does say gay, but I am finding out what that means for me. I still find myself looking at women every once and while, but Van was right.

I don't want vagina...I want dick and balls, and when he was around I only wanted his...still do.

I am getting this out to officially say that I guess I am one of those gay men that will and can sleep with women for variety, but the truth of the matter is that I want a man in my life. I have no hang ups on that...I am supported by my faith and my God so nothing else matters.

Saying all of this lifts a huge weight off my chest...I am going now to go dream with God, and get ready for tomorrow.

Some people have been asking me if I hate Van or not?? I will answer that honestly and truthfully in another post, and attach what I wish I could say to him.

J-Bo

P.S. Here is a quote that I want to share with all of you that really hits home. I don't think I have shared this one yet, so here it goes.

"I was born gay, but you were taught religion."

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Work...work...work...work

So much to do and so little time.

I am working hard, but I feel like I can be giving more of myself and I am not giving enough.

It is so hard to stay motivated...getting something going from nothing is not an easy thing...not in the slightest.

But all the most successful people did it, and I have many great mentors...I just have to trust God, and trust myself.

It is hard not getting what you want...when that happens all you can think about is if it is what God wants you to do and if it is why isn't it easier, but I know better than that.

If you want a life that very few live and be able to do things that only a few can do, then you need to be extraordinary and work harder than the average joe.

One of my mentors say the reason he makes 50x more than the highest paid doctor with 100x the freedom and lifestyle is because he works smarter, harder, and leverages. I gotta do the same.

Off to do some more work...

Pray for my strength and vigilance.

J-Bo

P.S. I want to call Van or send him a text just asking how he is doing. I miss knowing what is going on during his days and just hearing him complain about small stuff turning it into a huge thing. I miss hearing him laugh...I miss his dancing eyes. For that matter I miss him dancing, because he knows how much I like it and he was getting pretty good at it. I miss the man God brought into my life who happened against all odds, and I miss my friend. God work it out!!!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Moving Down South...again

Last night I just meant to go and see my best friend and his wife and get some dinner and talk.

It happened that my other bestfriend called just to say that she knows it is last minute, but she has decided to move down south, and she is leaving today.

I had to go see her, and so I pulled my friend with me so we can both go and tell her bye.

He really had to ask his wife for permission, and it was real scary. She gave us both looks like hell no. LOL

She did say she doesn't care about last minute stuff, but she eventually caved in and let him go telling me he only had 1 1/2 hrs and so that mean 11:30 he had to be back.

I am happy to say that I got him back home with 2 minutes to spare. It was not a game.

So another one of the Big 3 is leaving the State again, so we are planning some vacation time to go away and see her when she gets settled.

We also have decided that 1-2x a year, most likely 1x a year b/c of other obligations we are going to take vacations as a group. I am guessing it is going to be vacations with whoever significant other can come.

 kind of want to do one with just the Big 3 and then another one with the Big 3 and all our significant others, but we will have to work that out and see how it goes.

Other than that I am feeling really good, and I have to get on this phone and start making these phone calls.

Happy Monday everyone

J-Bo

P.S. I know that when I go out and date there is going to be no one like Van. I just have to deal and accept that. But it is already very clear that there is no one can and will take his place. Louis said the samething about another girl...who to be honest if timing was better she woulda been his wife. But I digress...he even said that with her he has to be very careful and she holds a place no one can fill or take. Of course he cannot tell his wife that...she is jealous and suspicious of all women as it is. :-)

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Dating is stressful...

Lord why is there so much crap out there. I mean there are a lot of people out there, and it seems like either they are cheaters, abusers, or they are something else.

Now I know why they say let God do this b/c it is stressful.

I really miss Van during times like these...not only as my man, but also as my friend. He would have something annoying and interesting to say that would come out perfect.

I want to send my condolences on the 1 year anniversary of his grandfather being passed on, but I don't know if I should. I made sure that I told people so they can tell him, and I can not exist.

Oh well...off to go see one of my best friends and his wife. I need to talk and get some shit out. Honestly I am not that upset about it...church was so good that I am still on that high.

I am just looking for the next level, and I see it. Just so much work and admittedly I am being lazy. Gotta get off my ass and WORK!!!!

TTYL

J-Bo

CHURCH WAS FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!! YES LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I had an awesome time today in church...I mean it was something that I want to have over and over and over again.

To be honest, I do have it over and over again, but this was an awesome feeling today. I really do love the church I am in, and I am growing and I feel good. I hope I stay in this church for a long time.

I know I have been MIA, but I have been busy, and honestly it isn't getting any lighter, but still I have the time and freedom to do great things. I really like how things are going, and I cannot wait for more...

I am so BLESSED!!!!!!

Yesterday was a family and friends BBQ and it was so much fun. We swam in the pool on my aunt's property, we played spades and dominoes, we danced, we celebrated bdays and anniversaries, and we had great food and drinks. It was just a moment to rejoice in all we have and all we will have.

I have my friends coming over today, and we are just going to chill and have a good time with each other. I have to go and do something today...not sure what yet.

I hope to give you guys an update on how things have been going on within the next few days, but I will continue to give you updates on what is going on in my life.

Things are looking up and all areas of my life are getting better and going higher. I swear I don't deserve all that I have been getting.

J-Bo

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

One for the win...

So I hope you all had a really good day today.

Rehearsal wasn't all the productive but it was a day of laughing, singing, joking around, and just talking about life and how much fun we are all having.

Then I hung out with two female friends who are also singers and we talked some more...I really needed to get some things out to them, and they were there to listen and let me vent. :-)

Then it was to the park for a day of just walking around...enjoying nature and talking to my Bulgarian sister...she is really someone special and brightens my day.

I have cut to the point because there is nothing to wild and crazy that I want to say to you guys.

OMG!!!

I almost forgot on the bus ride home there was this super fine Latino man. I mean he was too damn pretty!!

Of course we start talking and one thing leads to another and he sits next to me, and we are just on point. I was looking very good and very Island today...he was very...all I can think to say is fine!!!!! :-)

I got his number and will talk to him tomorrow sometime. I have to get ready for tomorrow, and I am also going to join my friend's choir. 4-part harmony so I will feel right at home and have a bass section to sing with.

Talking to this guy I find out that he is COGIC and he is just reminding me of Van so much. I told Van that I wouldn't search anyone COGIC boys...even though it would make my job easier. I mean I want a man who loves God, is going somewhere, and gay...COGIC breeds them strong.

But I guess I am not crossing any lines seeing how this man came to me, and I didn't go looking. I am really interested in getting me some, and I want to tear him up.

It has been a while since I have had sex, and I am really horny.

So since he lives close by maybe I should stop by. Of course I have to worry about my safety and well being...people nowadays are crazy and evil, but I can handle myself.

It would take quite a few to take me down...or someone who is really trained.

Now that I think about it, he is so damn fine...MY GOD!!!!!!! YES LAWD!!!! LOL!!!! :-)

I asked him if he was out and his orientation...he said he is gay and he is out to a select few, but not a lot of people. He said that he is going to keep it that way for a while.

He also said he is a minister, and blah blah blah. Apparently he is very connected with the church. I asked him how he came to accept and deal with his sexuality...he said he followed what Jesus said, and became a student of the bible.

He said he really studied the Greek and Hebrew and history like any descent and serious Pastor/minister should do, and he was shown the truth.

I really like him.

I am going to call him right now...:-P

Why do I keep thinking of Van?? I want to...doesn't matter what I want. He made it perfectly clear that he doesn't care what happens to me.

Is it wrong for me to want him to read his bible and put two and two together and just use that brain of his instead of follow and hope his leaders are doing him justice?

Sorry guys...I promised to not write about him...he doesn't care about me and if I was in the ICU I can expect to see the entire BFA family, CCNY Gospel Choir, Big 3, friends and family to come see me, and he wouldn't even care.

Stop rambling...I am happy I can vent to you guys.

God has given me somethings and I would like to share it with you guys...maybe tomorrow.

Goodnight...

J-Bo

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Making moves...takes a lot to do big things

Things are coming along, but God it is taking long.

I just have to stay vigilant...I now see why there are so few people that live the extraordinary life they want...this stuff is hard work and a lot of it is mental and psychologically taxing.

So I am still working hard and tomorrow is a very big day for me...I just have to stay FOCUSED!!!! :-)

I am going to leave you guys with some music that is really hitting me in the right place...and the second song is so beautifully performed and played.

Hope you guys enjoy...

J-Bo

P.S. I thought about him a lot today...I had my friends over and they were with their significant others, and it made me think of him a lot. What to do, what to do, what to do?? :-/







Go Starbucks!!!

From a Starbucks cup

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Married!!!! :-)

So Pastor and Tony tied the note...they flew straight up near Vermont or landed in Vermont, got married and then headed back all without anyone being the wiser.

I am really happy that they can take their 20+ long relationship and honor it how they have chosen.

Of course Pastor said it was all a formality since him and Tony have been soul tied and "married" before the Lord long before this.

He said that their meeting and connection was ordained, and nothing could ever sever it. It could only be masked and ignored, but it would always be there.

I guess those are words from a man that has had some history. :-)

Now off to bed...happy Sunday everyone!!! :-)

J-Bo

Saturday, August 4, 2012

So much done, but still a lot to do

I have had a pretty good time today. I really wish today was longer, and I had the car for longer so that I could go for a joy ride....but maybe later.

All I can tell you guys right now is that I am making some serious moves, and things are really starting to come together. I haven't felt it this good in a long time.

So today is short and sweet cause I have to get back to work.

I may also get invited to sing in London at some big church event, and I am really on them so hopefully I can do it. I would get paid 4 figures, and get free travel and room and board.

I am very pleased with myself. Things are coming together...I hate having to change and expand so much.

It is scary and nerve racking, but it must be done.

J-Bo


Friday, August 3, 2012

I think I am starting to really love COGIC =)

This is a video that was sent to me by a friend.

Not really a friend, but someone on the General Board in COGIC...

Not sure how they got my info, but they sent this to me, and I want to share it with you guys.

Of course he cannot come out in favor of gay people directly, but look at what the leader of the entire COGIC denom is saying. You have to read between the lines, and see what is really going on.

I am actually proud of his courage and strength...he can't have it easy after this, but at least he is taking a stand and someone has to.

I might actually stop by his church when I go to Cali... :-)

Between a rock and a hard place

Tomorrow Van takes his MCATs...

I know that you guys don't know him, and I am sure that he doesn't care about my prayers and my well wishes, but I am asking that you guys send your prayers that way.

I don't care your denomination or faith all I care is that you wish him the best.

It is important that he does very well...I don't want him to go to any medical school...

It is true a part of me wants him to go to a medical school that is close, but far enough where he can get away from his family, but...

I don't have the right to make any such request...we are not together. Hell we aren't even talking.

So I am going to send out my prayers, and I ask that you guys do the same thing...this is a very special young black man looking to do something good in his life.

We can all appreciate that.

J-Bo

P.S. I want to at least send him a text telling him good luck, but I am frozen. I don't know if it is more pride than fear or what. W/e it is he doesn't care to ever hear what happens, and he is more than happy to have me just never happen. I am including a quote/saying at the end that is so true...under different circumstances I could have this part of my life done, and he could have something he thought he would never have and wasn't supposed to have. God what did you do?? But I have to be careful...God does part of the work (like bringing us together) but the other part is on us to fulfill. Smh...

P.P.S. I told everyone to just keep my name out of their mouth. That way I can fade and he have it that I never existed at all. I know he doesn't read my blog, and I know he wants to bury any feelings for me at all.  So hopefully they are all wishing him luck and I am praying that he does his absolute best tomorrow...

"I met the right one, at the wrong time."

Good to WORST DREAM EVER!!!!!!!!!

So I had a dream that I was fighting the forces of evil.

I was a vampire/werewolf hybrid and I was fighting the evils of the world.

I mean I was kicking ass...like for real.

I was loving it, and even though there were close calls and I almost lost my life many times over the past few battles, but I never fell.

There were even times where I was taken over as a prisoner, but I always made it out...true by the skin of my teeth, but I had to use brains and brawn to make it out. :-)

Then I wake up to go use the bathroom, and rush back to sleep to get into my dream. I couldn't wait. I felt myself falling back into the dream and couldn't wait.

Sidebar: I hate the fact that we dream every night, but we never remember our dreams...or at least the majority of them. I would love to remember what my subconscious is telling me. :-(

Anyway so I get back into my dream and I am just walking around. I go to some apartment, and can you believe who is there, but Van. I am like WTF!!!!

But it isn't like he is there waiting for me...he was there with some other guy. They were going at it...I mean I know we are not together, but the thought of another man touching him makes me sick. I don't know why.

If you are wondering why I always have powers it's because I see myself as one of those unique individuals that have unique abilities. :-)

I don't care who he sleeps with, but the guy he was with was so ANNOYING!!!! Is it weird that I want to not only find this guy and kick his ass for putting his hands on Van, but I also want to fuck the shit out of Van so that he never thinks about another man again!!!!

Is that weird? I swear I don't care about him anymore.

But real talk if I was to hear that...espeicially from him I would have to school my face something serious. Now if it was him and some chick I wouldn't worry about that...I would laugh at that and not even think twice.

Why is another man touching him?? What is so good about him that I am lacking?? I have to go out for a run and work this out of my body!!!

Happy Friday morning people.

J-Bo

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Getting it off my chest...

Just wanted to share these songs with you guys...they are touching my heart and I would sing these to Van if I could.

Why is this man still in me?? I mean I am meeting people that are better in all areas: career, finances, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and time wise but for some reason he is always there.

God please tell me what you want to tell me...

So while I wait for the answer here are some songs.








What I needed...

So I had a pretty fun rehearsal today.

It was nice and I felt like we got through a lot. Thank God for that...

Then it was off to the races to go with my mother to do some tax stuff...I was not in a good mood by then, but I held it together.

Then I came home and was about to pass out when Aaron and Dishone called saying they wanted to come over.

I said why not.

I am so glad they came over...just having them over made my night. The day was awesome, and then to end off the night like this is what I really wanted and needed. :-)

It was all laughs and fun. Of course Dishone pulled me to the side to tell me some of his reservations about moving down south. He wants to do it, but some things are concerning him. He wants to talk them out later.

I am going to help...I cannot turn away someone in need...or at least it is very hard to do.

So we are going to talk about what his fears and concerns are about moving down there, and honestly he is going to have to talk to Aaron about this himself, but if he wants to bounce ideas off me first then I am more than happy.

Also I brought back up therapy and counseling. He wants to do it, but apparently Aaron wouldn't like what he would hear, and doesn't like to be told he is wrong. Too damn bad.

I wish they would just get this little thing done...I mean they have come so far already thank God. I want them to realize they have something very special and unique.

I mean they have something that most people will never experience...love. I was happy to have it, and I want it again. Not going into that anymore. :-)

Goodnight for now ppl...gotta get ready to see if my friends from San Fran, and Memphis are coming up here to get married...if they are I cannot wait to see them share in this awesome moment.

Goodnight.

J-Bo

P.S. I am shocked to learn that Aaron and Dishone said that they will go the life partners route and don't want to tread on the marriage ground. Van and I were all ready to get married when we got older and more life stuff finished. God I had something really great and special...gotta keep praying for God to send me that love and passion and commitment back in my life...for good this time. :-)

P.P.S. I won't be getting married until I hit somewhere in my early 30s and I am getting a prenuptial...hearing too many horror stories, and too many people in relationships they hate and cannot leave b/c they fear about the financial issues, and too many people getting married then divorcing without a moments hesitation. Smh...