Van

Some of you wanted to know what I am going to do about Van.

I have decided to just be his friend and move on. If the facts change then ok, but if they don't then it is what it is. He is trying to be happy and so am I.

That is all there is too it. But he has opened my eyes...to a lot.

So I want to be in a relationship...I want to feel the love that I have for Van. The thing is that I don't think I will, but that is what it is.

I have to accept the fact that he may really die alone, and that is his choice. I want to be with him, but I am only 1/2 of the equation. He is happy just being with Jesus alone, and I am happy for him

I have to accept that he doesn't love me anymore, and I don't exist in his world. It is sad but it is what it is. I do realize that I want a man that has a love for God that it makes me jealous. :-)

I know that I want him to be someone that cares about his church, but can stand on his own. So I am going to go to my church and other church events as normal, but I am going to add Kelly Temple. I have a new love for COGIC and since a lot of the boys are gay anyway I am cool.

Just gotta make sure they are past where Van is now.

So that is it. I am not giving up on him, not my style. If the facts ever change then we will see, but as of now he don't want me in his life and others do. Sad but true.

Funny I still feel so drawn to him...he is always on my mind. Always. If I am not busy, or if I am not pushing him out of my head he is there. Why me Lord?? Why me??

Dishone said he is just doing what they all did. I understand that, but he may never get out of it, or he maybe like our voice teacher and it be in his mid-40s. What do I look like?

It does say a lot that I am going to look for a COGIC PK/PGK like him...I mean he is perfect for me, and I know what I like. I know some of you are saying why go look for the same thing...for all that just be with him, but I cannot force him to see the truth.

He sees what he wants to. The man is very stubborn. I will share the letter that I want to send to him to all you guys here, maybe tomorrow. Right now I just wanna ask God to take away these feelings so I can move on...nothing is helping.

J-Bo