Hello World...

I used to have a blog sometime ago, but this another crack at it. I feel like I am dying inside and need to get this out.

I am a young black gay man. That isn't the problem. I actually have no problems and no complaints. There are somethings that I wish where different and better, but that is life. We are always striving for more and more to be done.

I am going to start with saying I have the best boyfriend in the world. I really love this man with everything that I am, and everything that I have. I know he feels the same about me, and it makes me feel like the happiest man ever.

If I was to say one problem it is his religious convictions. We both are Christians, and he spent all his life hiding from who he is, and I have already come to terms with who I am. It is the one thing that bothers me, because it is always hanging over our heads.

I have taken to asking him every week, after Sunday, to see how he is feeling emotionally and mentally on the gay front. He has told me that he is doing ok, but I have to stay on top of this. I don't want him to hurt us again, by letting his emotions and conditioning take control.

I know that some of you who read this will not have a problem with gay christians and some will, but that is life. All I want to do is love and be loved...guess what?? God saw fit to give it to me. I am so blessed.

That is that side of things...now for me to vent.

I am a musician studying classical voice...I have a recital coming up soon, and some friends including my boyfriend comes to the run through. I was really looking forward to seeing him today and spending sometime with him. He told me that he would spend the day with me, and we can have some us time. We were suppose to meet before 12pm, but he came after 3pm and then just up and left.

The plan was for us to be together, but he took the car knowing that they wanted him to bring it back early. I just feel defeated. I feel like crying. He isn't as close and intimate a person as I am, so I can understand that he can go days without touching, and holding and kissing.

I FEEL LIKE I AM STARVING!!!!!!!

I am a big person that believes in being on time...he doesn't. I believe in communication and being there emotionally and physically...he doesn't. The funny thing is that this won't change until someone else brings it up to him, or he sees it for himself.

I know he loves me, but I am dying. We have such a good thing going. I don't want anyone to think that I don't cherish the man because I do, but honestly I am so hurt sometimes.

I honor and love that man, and make sure he knows that I value him. I just feel like I am being taken advantage of...I feel like he is taking me for granted. I am his first real relationship and his first sexual partner...sometimes I feel he is still testing me, and seeing if I am worthy of his love or something like that.

I am just venting, but I need to get this stuff out. I told him that I won't hold him to anymore time commitments, and that I won't ask him to communicate with me. Guys I am just hurting...the sad thing is that he is probably thinking I want out of the relationship and I am done with him. He doesn't know that relationships have ups and downs and we will get through this.

As much as he makes me mad I am totally in love with him. He makes me better...he makes me stronger. He forces me to face things and be a champion versus a victim.

No worries though I am going to continue to give 110%...I am going to shower that man with so much love and passion that he will never ever doubt how I feel. I am going to work hard at not sweating the small stuff. I so badly wanted this man to hold me, hug me, kiss me. You'd think I was the passive one, but I am not. I am just a real intimate person.

I am not sure if I am going to see him again this week, but I will talk to him. I am going to make it a point to continue to make sure he feels loved, cherished, honored, and blessed. I will have to do something about my needs and wants. He meets them, but it is real infrequent...it is hard b/c he ahs a very controlling family.

Once he moves out it will be better, but until then I am going channel my feelings and emotions into my music, workouts, and business goals. I know some of you will be like CHEAT CHEAT CHEAT, but I love him too much for that, and I hold myself to higher standards. I'll just meet me needs in other ways, until he remembers that I need things from him, and he remembers to give it to me. :-)

The rest of my post shouldn't be this long, but I got alot to say. I gotta work on learning these German, French, and Italian more. Recital is coming up. It did feel good to see him there supporting me...I felt like I made him proud and touched him deeply. I'm going to call him and let him know how much it meant for me that he was there.

Until Next Time.

J-Bo