Today was interesting. Of course I woke up and was on my natural high. I missed church, but that is nothing to big and off the wall. I need me a resolution. I woke up with so much worry on my mind. Pretty soon I will have my degree, and start the next chapter of my life. I have plans and goals for what I want to do, but I am still worried and scared out of my mind.
I just need some clarity. It's weird really. Van thinks I have everything figured out, and I am not scared or worried. That is so not the case. I feel it everyday. I need to break through this fear. God told me something awhile ago.
"The direction you are most scared to head to, the path that scares you the most is usually the path you should take. that is where growth happens, that is where change occurs, and that is where your blessings happen. You cannot grow if you are safe and secure. You cannot progress if you stay comfortable."
I try to remember this, because it is easy to be lulled into a sense of staying where you are and being comfortable. It is easy to think that the thing to do is stay where you feel safe, happy, and at peace. It keeps you where you are, because it is safe to you. Everyone that lives an extraordinary life did so by stretching, changing, and growing.
I went to school to sing, and everything happened all right. It was an ok rehearsal, and I am sure that everything is going to go well, but I am just mad and sick and tired that I am not the BEST!!!!!
I was in the middle of doing some work when I just had to ask God to help me. I had to ask him to everyday give me a renewal of his holy spirit, and to give me strength. He said how can you get that, without giving me time...without giving me your all. So I did. I broke down...I haven't spoken in tounges like that in a long time. I haven't felt a renewal like that in a long time.
I feel a new understanding. I don't need a special place to feel God...I can feel him all the time. Whenever, and wherever I am...all it takes is me to spend time with him. Van used to say that he doesn't feel God like he used to, and that it bothers him. I feel the same way sometimes, and I couldn't figure out why that was until recently. I haven't felt God because I don't give him time...and I don't give him 110%.
Today I gave 110% while I was at school and I felt him all over me. I came to him like I used to, and I spoke to Jesus as a man asking him for guidance. I have a lot of dreams and goals, and will be going outside of my comfort zone...I am going to be needing Jesus more and more.
It's weird because I kinda wanna see Van, and pray with him. I want to share this feeling with him. Not as boyfriends (which we are not remind you), friends (which we are the closest), and just two people looking for our place in this world, and asking that Jesus be with us all ways.
As I write this I am in tears...I feel so blessed and so relieved. I feel like God is smiling on me. I have to get back in the habit of praying every morning and night. Of having that time where it is my time and no one else. Van told me that God has been waking him up to pray, but he has been eating...LOL I know. I think God is trying to get this man to do what he got last night, go to him for himself and pray and feel God.
I am so grateful right now I don't know what to do. I know some of you are wondering what do I feel for him. I will always be in love with him, but more than that I am realizing that the more I fall in love with Jesus the more love I have to give to him and everyone. It is a really cool thing to have happen.
I just want to send this out to all of you out there that read this. God loves you...he adores you. You are the apple of his eye...his children. I just pray that you all feel his love, and now that when man has failed you Jesus is always there. He will put people in your life that will be your support here on Earth. I have that...I have the big 3, Van, the BFAs, and more. I have an awesome 1st family that loves me, and I choose a great 2nd family that loves and supports me for being me. I feel so blessed.
I know some of you feel bad about yourself, some of you are scared, and some of you are dying for something great to happen. I want you to know that God has given you the power to make it happen. the only thing standing in your way is you. Men and women of God, and all religions and backgrounds I LOVE YOU...I LOVE YOU WITH EVERYTHING I HAVE. I hope my sincerity comes through, because it is honest.
Contrary to popular belief I know a God that loves you despite of your background, race, color, creed, sexual orientation, and economics. For everyone that feels like an outcast, and feels like they have no hope but to conform and try to fit in...JESUS DID NOT FIT IN!!! He was and still is a man that stands out from the crowd. He came not for religion, but for relationship. remember that.
Back to work... :-)
J-Bo
P.S. Do you think if I was to ask him to pray with me, he'd laugh in my face. He doesn't know that when Dishone had his crazy moment I prayed with him. he doesn't know that I pray with a lot of people when I help them, but I just leave it out of the story because I don't want to be seen as something special because of that. I just want to be seen as a great man that touched alot of people, and left a legacy long after he went home to Jesus.
P.P.S. A friend of mine Nia said it sounded like I was preaching to her yesterday. I told her Van said I would preach, but I said people don't want to hear what I have to say...too honest and too radical. She said that we need more people willing to speak and just let it out. The Body of Christ needs healing!!! Of course I didn't tell Van this because he would jump onto it.
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