Just wanted to let you guys know that I am so confused and so lost in ways that I have never thought of before.
But I shouldn't be...
I mean I am single with men and women interested in me. I mean they want me now even with all the things that I consider to be issues that I want to work on, but they still see me as a great catch. Part of me thinks they see the kind of man I am, and turning into and wanna hitch their wagons to me.
It is a little scary. With Van I knew he was with me because he really cared and loved me for who I am...the mess that I am. :-)
Now there are 6 people including this Sire person who really like me, and really want to go somewhere with me. I mean they are talking about hopping on a plane and just going away and doing stuff.
It sucks so much cause it seems I am getting all that I want now, but it is not what I really want. I am so confused.
All I can think about is talking to Van and just hearing his voice...sometimes it is really strong and sometimes it is not strong. All I know at the core of it is, is that I miss him. I miss him so much...so much.
I kind of feel I am jumping into this too soon...even though I am working hard at not comparing anyone to Van, it is hard...cause I find myself doing it without realizing.
Funny how people work. We can have someone or multiple people in my case who want to give us everything and anything that we want and need to be happy, but for some reason the person who was emotionally and mentally incapable is on my mind.
Don't get me wrong I am not obsessing over him...he is a dream at times. But I cannot lie and hide the fact that I still love him...still in love with him. He owns so much of my heart and spirit, and I believe I own more of his.
It is for that reason he runs away from me, and blames God. Of course he is also messed up in the head, and living a life he doesn't want. But he is willing and happy to live this way. He won't see it until it is too late cause he doesn't want to.
So I am so totally screwed up...but I have to remind myself Van don't want me, and he wants to be alone. He had plans to be alone, and never be with anyone besides Jesus. If he gets married to a woman that will last for so long until it blows up. I want to spare him from that, but I think he knows.
He knows what is going to happen so he is going to be alone...works too. He comes from a family of people who are alone and without that kind of love. It just sucks that he is choosing that.
Lemme stop talking to him. I have entrepreneurs, accountants, surgeons, doctors, lawyers, musicians, businessmen and women, and dancers who want my and my attention. So why not give it to them. I feel bad cause I want to be with them...kinda.
What do these people see in me. Also forgot I have a few ministers and preachers too. I don't consider them cause for the most part people who are raised in church are really handicapped and emotionally and mentally unstable. That is not totally true, but it is a pattern.
I mean some of them are talking about taking trips, traveling, doing and seeing great things.
I know what I have to do...I have to keep moving forward wherever that is. Going to take some of them up on some fun stuff. No sex though...even though I so want it. I just need to get Van out of my mind. It isn't fair that he doesn't think and feel anything for me. I hate that he just moved on.
I know men and women who would be so happy. To have all these eligible bachelors and bachelorettes that are trying their best to make themselves available. Not only that but they are on the right path spiritually and I can see how most of them are so doing the right thing.
God why am I so confused. I am staying home today. I don't want to meet anyone today. I will just text, e-mail, vid chat, and IM the people I am already talking to.
J-Bo
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