I AM MELTING!!!!!!!
It is so hot that it is crazy. Everyone make sure you stay hydrated and have you sun block on. It is not a game out there.
So I have no plans today, but to stay cool and hydrated. I do have work to do, but I want to be cool doing it, so I guess I am off to the library.
Last night I got a call from my ex girlfriend to come outside she had her car and the AC was blasting. i ran out with in the quick fast...and it was very cool in their. She was driving Van's grandfather's old car...memories!! :-)
So we were chilling and said she missed me, and I told her I missed her too. I do, but not really in that way...I told her that things have happened and we cannot be anymore than friends, and I rather not talk about it right now.
She said ok...she said am I dating anyone right now. I said no I just got out of a serious relationship, and I let it slip towards the end that it was a guy. So we talked about that, and she was very supportive.
Now lemme tell you this girl, Shirley, is stacked like a brick house. I mean she is something all men want, and I had her. I was truly luck with her...she made me happy like you will not believe. I think the best thing to say is that the sex made me so damn happy. :-)
She is so high yellow it is not a joke. Holding her hands made me think so much of someone else. I mean the color difference really made me sit back and reflect.
So Shirley and I sat back and talked about life, love, and everything else. She said that it is such a small thing to get over, but she and I are used to being strong and standing on our own two feet. We are used to finding things for ourselves and thinking.
She was very encouraging, and said if he feels a little like how I feel about him, then he thinks of me. I told her I don't think so. I told her that I think he rises and falls without even muttering my name. She smiled and said that I was being dramatic.
She was also telling me stories of how people are getting sick and stuff. Why is there such an outbreak of STIs...and why when I have an awesome relationship that this happens, and I so want some ass and dick. Like I got an itch you would not believe.
I mean when Van was at my house, we didn't do much, because my father and brother were in the house, and I didn't want to risk someone knocking on the door with me inside him...or him inside me for that matter.
Shirley also kinda upset me when she left...she told me that if he is special enough that I would want him, and he would propose to me and want to spend his life with me, that others may see him as a great piece of ass.
I told her that if I was some random dude and in the place where the majority of people are now, I would see him as no more than a fuck toy and want to run through him. She said others see and say the same thing.
She told me that she is happy I am connected with someone like him who we complement and sharpen each other, but she said he could be out having sex with other people.
I am not going to lie...that made me very upset and hurt. I am smiling now, but it makes me think of that deli worker up at my school. I want him to have the physical manifestation of the love, commitment, and devotion that Jesus Christ shows us through our relationships and partners, and if he finds that in some other guy I hope he treats him well.
I hope he finds a man that gives him everything that I did and more. I know I did a pretty good job, and the only thing was his religious issues but I really want him to be happy.
He deserves it. The way his eyes dance in the light, someone else should see and appreciate it. The way he fights to make you challenge yourself. The way his lazy eye becomes more lazy when he is sad. The way he mutters your name when he is sleeping.
The way when he is lying on your chest, and holds on tight to say he feels so safe. The way is so surprised that he has come so far so fast, and says things that are obvious like I am no longer a virgin. :-D
The way he wants to heal and help children never go through the emotional and mental pain that he faced as a child. The fact he really wants to build a home with someone. The fact he is so sexually adventerous and outgoing, and wants to do so much in the world, but doesn't know how shows that he is looking for someone to show him the way...even if he will say he doesn't really want it.
There are so many awesome things about Van that a man will appreciate it...I hope. Like how much he loves God, and his church. Even though he puts so much faith in his church knows best, but that is not here nor their. He needs a man that has a strong spiritual foundation and relationship and is fearless in going outside and moving forward.
He needs someone that will keep him from keeping his sights low, and wanting and desiring the best in all he does. But he will also keep his partner from flying to close to the sun. He needs someone that compliments his nature and habits, but also challenges him to grow. Someone to keep him from getting inside his own head, and keeps him moving forward.
Most of all he needs a man that will never give up on him no matter how crazy he gets. No matter how many test he throws at him (the last one I failed miserably...let my emotions get the best of me. He reacted out of fear and I acted out of anger). He needs someone that he can know is going to be there...someone to remind him that their relationship is not his parents relationship or anyone in his family for that matter (you guys have no idea), and not his partners families relationships. That thier relationship is theirs alone.
He needs someone to remind him that balance is what is needed, and to decide on what kind of person he wants to be. That he can decide his own destiny because God gave us all the tools and strength to do it if we choose to. Someone to see that exotic beauty in him, and to see that he is someone to be treasured and loved and honored.
That their is no one like him, and he is precious and made perfect. That nothing needs to be changed...just maybe refined and broadened. :-)
I really want him to find those things, and even though I think God put us together. I mean God has a hand in everything to make us stronger. I want him to be happy and I know that him being in a loving committed relationship is what he wants and desires. I pray God brings that love into his life, and he gets treated great...but he also is needs to be challenged. He needs someone to push and demand more of him so that one day he does that for himself.
I would be mad if I see him with someone else, but if it makes him happy I want that for him. For him to have little neurotic kids running around.
This became more about him than I intended. Anyway Shirley and I ended off our night by just singing a song, and I am getting way better at keeping my part and finding my part. All of it is practice. Something he was suppose to help me with too and keep me practicing but whatever.
So lemme go and beat my brother's ass in video games and then get to work. Things to do today, and hopefully I can see Dishone and talk to him. He has things he wants to tell me. I really want to talk to him...I can't let him know that I care anything more for Van.
It's a pride thing. :-)
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