So my father is back and this man is talking my ear off. I know it is a good thing...but I seriously believe he is trying to slowly kill me with his words. :-)
Had a nice long talk with my friend Aaron. He said that everything was cool last night and they stayed up playing games and movies till 5am. He said another friend Steve came by, but Dshone wasn't happy with that because he is still mad at him. Smh...drama for no reason.
Aaron said he was 2 seconds from jumping on Dishone...I told him that I know the feeling. I was feeling that way myself, but today is an easier day.
I mean Dishone and Aaron need to build trust and communication and like everyone has been saying...THERAPY!!!!!! Like some for real therapy. He said he will that even Louis said it is a good idea.
I mean I have mentors and coaches that I talk to for guidance and advice...why not him.
While talking to Aaron we were talking about the men in our lives. Of course we don't want them to know how we really feel. We want them to think that we could care less, and that we are over them. Only if they knew the truth.
I was complaining to Aaron that everyone in Van's family seems to be moving on, and doing their own thing. That no one is letting the older people in the family hold them down. That even his pastor/uncle hid his now wife from them, because he knows how his family is. Funny thing is that it is the same thing that Van was doing.
I was telling Aaron how Van is moving along, but it is killing me to see him take baby steps when he can leap and bound, and be successful now. It is rally like making me want to scream!!!
Lemme calm down...I was about to get into a frenzy. :-)
He asked me why didn't I kiss Van yesterday...I told him that even though Van is getting comfortable with his sexuality he is still to scared for anything. I mean the rest of his family is scared to...we all are, but they are going after what they want. They all seem very flexible and open to change and growth. I wonder what happened to him.
I was telling Aaron that I wish his family would do this and that for him so he can feel comfortable, and he shut me down. He told me to stop with the what ifs. He said that his family is going to play with him like a puppet for as long as they can.
He said that Van has to stand on his own too feet, and understand that one day they will all be dead, and then he will have to be strong on his own. Might as well follow his generation and do his own thing. It makes sense...
I have to stop hoping his family changes for him to change...he has to be the change he wishes to see in the world. If he cannot do that, then he will be in for a rude awakening. We are suppose to go out for drinks a lil later, and that is going to be cool. Of course I am meeting with a friend that I haven't seen in a long time and having drinks with her.
I hope I behave myself...I don't want to say anything that will let too much out. I gotta stay strong and let nothing out. :-)
Though that boy can read me better than my parents can. Damn shame...smh.
So business is coming together...been talking to a few people, and I am ready to put myself out there...just scary as hell. But I am not worried... I know the fears and insecurities are going to be there.
I know that there is going to be this little voice in my head always saying you are wrong, and the worst thing is going to happen. I just have to not let fear be a jailor, but instead a counselor.
The thing that separates the successful from the those that just get by, are that the successful never give up...they feel the pain almost more than most, and keep on going.
God I want to kiss him today. Gotta hope the alcohol doesn't loosen me up too much. Aaron is right...there is more than enough out there if he wants it, and it is clear to see who he is. I mean he is a sexy fine ass black gay man. Now I am really horny!!! :-D
I mean there is psychological proof, medical proof, and scriptural proof. God can do nothing more than run him over with the truth.
Lemme go...I gotta go meet this girl, and then this man.
J-Bo
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