I know this is going to come as a shock, but when I left my house everything was fine, until I got a phone call from a girl named Kandi...
She is my dead "brother's" wife. I don't want to get into the story, but it is not pretty.
She called me and said that her racist in-laws wanted to see her and the baby and she told me everything was ok. I went to go see her and my god-son. He is growing up so well.
She told me what the deal was, and though I am happy that change is going on it really hurt me that Sean had to die for this to happen. I was really trying to hold it in, and when she told me I acted cool with it and optomistic.
But inside I was screaming...I was on the verge of tears, and then Van called me saying he was leaving so I had my out.
I was so sure that he was going to uplift my spirits and I was looking forward to seeing him.
But then he told me that I am fat and with my self-esteem and emotions already high and barely being held in I was really hurt.
I started to think of me as being disgusting and filthy and the fact that he was saying those things about me.
I was in a funk...Van was a good sport, but to be honest he was really short with me. He is used to just letting people be, and I was no different.
I admit I was being a down, but I needed understanding. Van is good for bringing the energy and mood down, and making it all dark. But I step up and do my thing...I guess I cannot expect the same.
When he found out the whole story and the fact that I am in mourning for my for my friend. I am in so much pain and I am mad and I miss him.
Van started to step up to the plate, when I told him that I really wanted to go to the movies and watch the new Snow White. I know he didn't want to see it, but I did. He was going to do it for me, and it meant a lot that he was going to do that for me.
But he then chickened out and used his aunt as an excuse. To be honest he didn't want to see the movie, because he was more than ready to go see another movie...just as long as it is not that one.
Fast forward a little more and he just said he has to go home and study for the MCATs...which means he is going to fall asleep and then do some late night studying.
When he told me what happened at his party I was there for him...I listened and did what he wanted to do. I was totally there for him. When I told him that he is treating me like how his family treats him, he just looked at me.
He said it is not the same. I bet that when they saw how him and his sister were acting that they also felt they were acting foolish. That what they need and want didn't matter as long as they believed it is what they believe and what they want.
Van won't even stop to consider what I am saying. He won't even stop to see where I am coming from. If it makes him feel uncomfortable he throws it away. His choice.
So he just left me downtown.
I see now what I did wrong...I showed that I feel and I have more than one range. So from now on I promise to just be positive, and that when I need to break down and have a vulnerable moment I won't. I will only show smiles and optimistic attitude at all times.
All I wanted Van to do was to do what I wanted. Put me first...consider my feelings and what I wanted. Help me and be there for me like I am for him...isn't that what friends are suppose to do. Smh.
To makes matters worse I helped this lady up the train steps, and I was attacked. I helped this lady upstairs who was obviously homeless...some guy who was also homeless and crazy said get away from my woman.
I backed away from him, and he came at me waving his arms...I tripped and fell down the stairs. I dislocated my shoulder, hit my head, and hurt my knee. I am in so much pain that it is not even funny.
I had to relocate my shoulder, and when a doctor that was in the train checked to make sure I did not have a concussion, everything worked out for the best. While on the train ride home I was crying so hard...every movement hurt me like hell.
I am now home obviously and have taken some pain pills to help. The pain has subsided, but I still feel so hurt. From thinking about Sean, and the way things went down with Van, and helping someone got me hurt...I feel like an idiot.
I have to go lie down...my head is spinning, and I feel sick and nauseous.
I also have to go see these people with Kandi, because I will not let her go alone with the baby.
I just called him to apologize and tell him what happened, but he is studying. In the grand scheme of things I don't think what happened to me matters. I don't know why I feel like I come last to him...not saying I should come first because we are just friends, but I am not just any friend.
Maybe I think of him as more than he does me...maybe to him I am just a guy from school that he keeps in contact with. I see him as a treasured friend...
My shoulder is burning; head is pounding; and knee is aching...I need to lay down. I know I am under attack to put me in a dark place. To keep my spirits low...and I will not be taken for a fool. I will not be dark, moody, depressing, and low...that is not what a Christian is...that is not who Jesus Christ is.
I take control of my life, and I will not be a fool...I will not be a victim. I will get out of this and come out on top.
J-Bo
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