Why do I have to be me??

So I woke up and it is like my subconscious worked everything out for me, and I am not even mad anymore. For some reason I have a better perspective on things. I don't want perspective...I want to be angry.

I want to hate Van...I want to be mad at him...I want that when I think about him that when I hear his name I just want to do him harm. That if he was ever in danger ever in harms way or ever needed someone to talk to, laugh with, and dream with I wouldn't be there.

I know it seems kinda dramatic, but that is what I want. I want to be irrational and emotional and just a mental mess. I want to believe that I am right and I have no room for any errors...that I am without fault.

I wish I could be that arrogant.

Why do I still care?? Why do I still want the best for him?? Why do I still pray for him?? Why do I still love him??

As long as he and anyone else will know I hate him...I hate him with a vengeance and anything and anyone will believe me. I already told people not to mention his name to me. I feel my heart telling me that I am going to far and it won't work.

I'm not even mad anymore...if anything I am sympathetic. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!

The sad part is that he cannot be trusted as a friend. Forget all the romantic love stuff I am his best friend, and if he can treat me like this that tells me something about his character. When it gets bad he won't stand and fight...he will run.

Even saying that I know it isn't true...that he is a great friend to have. It is just that he is so....

The fact he said he is right w/o a shadow of a doubt and that there is no way he is wrong...ARROGANT BITCH ASS NIGGA!!!!!!! (as I smile)

Why do I have to be me??? Why can't I just say I feel bad and guilty about this so it must be wrong, and I cannot go forward. If everyone did that we would have nothing that we have now. If I was to let that cripple me I wouldn't dare go for my dreams.

I am designing my whole life from the ground up, and the man I want to be is so much different than the man I am now.

J-Bo