If I didn't love him, I would kill him

So Van and I were suppose to meet up at school today, and I worked really hard to get some serious feelings under control. So that when I see him I can be the machine and nothing would get through...as long as he doesn't touch me that is. :-)

So we made plans to meet at school and see an open mic and knowing the person throwing it, we might even have been asked to sing. I was really looking forward to it.

So while I am on the bus really looking forward to it, and excited, I get a phone call from him saying it doesn't feel right. What he meant was that he was feeling guilty and bad about how he was feeling, and he takes that to mean he is doing something wrong.

I just wish he would get control of his emotions already...he is his own worst enemy...I swear he is.

So I had to jump off the bus, and now I am totally broke. I was counting on him to put me back on the bus or train so that I can get home. And I was starving...I was going to eat something when I got to school.

At those events they normally have free food and drinks so I wasn't worried about that.

I should've known better...I should've asked him how he was feeling. But he acts like he cannot control how he feels...like he is a victim and that pisses me off more than anything else. All I wanted to do was hang out with Van and then head home with good memories.

So now I know what I have to do...always check first, and have a plan E-Z.

So thank God I am home safe, and I am now bored, tired, and not really upset just disappointed. I am so tired being the good guy and always understanding. Why can't he wake up and say I am tired...I will be the man I want and be with the man I want. AAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

So I will hold on, and I will keep my mouth shut and smile. He doesn't care about how I feel about it...I just have to be understanding. He is my friend and I would do this for anyone of course he gets more strikes since he is who he is.

I am obviously not praying enough...

J-Bo