WTF Is Wrong With Me?!?!?!?!

Here I am watching this great episode loving the music, and the characters, and wanting to now be involved with someone in medicine. Why?? Because I want to be with someone who is doing great work...life changing and saving work.

Of course that person could also be a lawyer, teacher, musician, teacher, etc. But Grey's Anatomy is about doctors and surgeons so why not.

But here is the problem...

I am watching and listening to the last song and all I can think about is what if that was Van. What if Van was in that situation, and he could die? He could die and then what...what would happen after that?

I don't know why I am even thinking about that. I don't know why I even care. I shouldn't care. I have been begging God to make me forget this man...to make him be as if he never existed. I mean why should I be the only one still thinking about the other, and still feeling anything. Why should I be the one made to look like some fool?!?!?!

But I watch this show and and especially this episode and I am a wreck. I mean wow. Why not think about my mother, father, grandparents, family, friends. You know the people who actually care if I live or die...not someone who would shrug his shoulders and walk away!!!!!

Why am I thinking about him?!?!

I was good and kept pushing him out of my mind, until the last song. THAT SHIT HAD ME LOOKING STUPID AND TEARING UP!!!!

I don't know why God continues to punish me...I mean why does it have to be who still cares and still thinks about the other person.

Here is the song...pray for me ppl.

I don't want to talk to my friends about this...I told them I have no feelings for Van at all anymore. I said that he is dead to me, and I feel nothing for him at all. I don't wanna come across weak.

J-Bo