So I am confused...

For those who know me know that me being confused is nothing new. I mean people are always telling me I am very smart, and I am very wise and knowledgeable, but I am also very slow. :-)

I guess as Van says I can be autistic at times...but it adds to my quality, charm, and being a savant. :-D

So what I am confused with is Van. I mean we are not together, and we have a pretty casual relationship, but I am so confused.

I mean one minute he tells me he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone, and the next when we are on the phone he sounds like he is annoyed to be on the phone with me. I don't know if it is the wall he is trying to put it up or what??

Makes me wonder if there is something wrong with me...but I do know that there is nothing wrong with me. The only thing that I know I need to work on his my health and fitness goals, and also my fashion sense. I put those two last, but I should change that around, cause it is so worth it.

So knowing that I don't know what the hell is going on. Maybe instead of asking you guys I should just ask him. :-)

I know that he wants me in his life. I know that he wants to build a life with me, and marry me. I know that he is in love with me. You'd think it would be easy fix right...be with the man you love and who loves you back.

But I am not even worried about that, cause I know we have that one thing holding us back so I am content with being friends. I don't like it, and I want more, but I am trusting in God. I mean he brought us together in the first place.

I want to know if he prefers to just talk via fb, or what the hell does he want?!?!?!

But I feel he is going to give me some BS, about something. Oh well...I will deal with that later. I'll tell you what though I am running late for a night out on the town talking to these church folk. I love my job. :-)

Wish me luck to my supporters. And those who don't want to wish me luck...I do this for you as well. :-)

J-Bo

P.S. I remember he told me he doesn't mind having sex with me, and the intimacy and everything else, because we are married every which way it counts. Of course I had to get him to expound cause I was confused. He said we are married in heart, body, mind, and spirit. That our souls are cleaved to one another. God I love that man...he talks in poetry sometimes. :-)

P.P.S. Pray for me guys...I am walking into a lions den and they want me to fall and falter. I WILL NOT FAIL!!!!!!

The speech was a huge success...

So the debate was awesome. I reached a lot of ppl and they are ready and looking for a change, and thank God I can provide that for them.

I just ask that God continue to order my steps and lead me cause I am going into hard times, but I know I will be alright.

I am having some of the people come to my house to talk to me tonight and watch the debate with me. 2 guys and 1 girl who were there and they were some of the people I talked to afterwards. So we are going to have a good long convo.

I was also asked to speak at another church at some event. I told Van that it was COGIC church, and he wants me to stay away. Which makes no sense...it is no secret gay people are in and through COGIC and in positions of power and in the pews...just like everywhere else.

I have a message that could help so many of them, but I know he feels everyone in his denomination all see things exactely the same. I am not sure that he realizes that not everyone agrees...including the Presiding Bishop.

Times are changing and there is nothing anyone can do about it. They can hold onto their prejudices and old ways of seeing things all they want. I have facts, science, proof, and God on my side. I am not limited to the old ways. That is a very freeing realization...I don't have to see things they have always been.

That doesn't make it right. The Holy Spirit is so good. I just felt my spirit jump on that one. :-D

So I have to get ready for the next time I speak and it is at a COGIC church this time. The last one was at a Church of Christ Church...One step at a time.

I think I will keep the COGIC churches I go to a secret from Van...I don't want him to get upset or defensive, and it is best if I keep it quiet. If he ask me I won't lie, but I don't see him asking me. So Saturday is the day.

J-Bo

LONG WEEKEND DONE!!!!

So this weekend started off with me singing for the Hymn celebration. It was a celebration of the 2nd edition of the Lead Me, Guide Me hymnal. So that was fun cause that was the hymnal that I used to sing from my whole life.

Then today after church I came home and got ready to go out and perform at this Opera and Ballet Concert Gala. That was fun, but some of the people were so unprofessional.

It really made me think that my college chorus director was really high class, cause some of these people were jokes, and they weren't even singing. It was a mess...but singing with a full orchestra was fun.

One day I will get to do that as a soloist, and that will really be something to talk about. :-)

Also Dishone and Aaron came to my house and they talked to each other. They made up...Dishone realized he was being an ass. Funny they say Van is being stubborn too. Smh

So they sat down and they talked...or I talked and they listened. I know they can make it and have it work, but they need to put the work into it. That is the problem...they never put the work into it, and that is what was killing them.

I want to call Van and tell him the good news, but I don't want to bother him. He has med school stuff to deal with, and I told him I will not bother him and give him his space.

I have decided that I have been single long enough. I want to have even 1/2 of the feelings that I have with Van. I am still in love with him, but the intensity isn't there like it used to be. Distance will do that, but I want someone special in my life.

It is clear that Van doesn't love me, and doesn't want me, and that is ok, but I want and I need more for myself.

I pray that God works something out. What God puts together no man can tear asunder...trouble is that God has done his part. But of course that damn free will messes us up. Especially when you are scared and have doctrine going against you.

So I am ready for love...I am so ready for love. I want Van, but he doesn't want me. Maybe he knows of someone good for me. He knows the kind of man I am, and he knows that I am a great man, a great partner, friend, and more. So he can look for me too.

I was thinking it would be weird, but he honestly doesn't care about me anymore so I don't know what to do, but ask for his help. He may not care about me or think of me ever, but maybe he knows someone worthy.

J-Bo

Rev. Dr. Otis Moss, III Challenges Fellow Black Clergy On Marriage Equality For Gays And Lesbians

A pastor from the Trinity United Church of Christ in Chicago took a big step when he read a letter to his colleague about his rants telling ppl not to vote because Obama is for gay marriage.

This man took a huge step and a risk in doing so, but that is what makes him someone to love and respect. I will stand by his side, and fight this fight not only for me, but ppl like me, and ppl under oppression period.

I hope you guys get blessed as much as I got blessed.

J-Bo

What the hell is going on with these saints...SO WEAK!!!!!!!

So I am very frustrated.

Apparently my friends Steve, Aaron, and Dishone are going through and it is so frustrating. They are all making me mad, and it is for different reasons.

First Steve is feeling low cause his uncle is near death, and that though sad isn't even the worse right now. Dishone is going to Steve for help, and Steve believes that being gay is wrong, and even though he loves his friends he pushes them away.

I love my friends, but he has to stop. He is doing things off of a false doctrine. Steve is one of those people who would work within the system. He isn't a trendsetter, and to top that off he is so biased against relationships.

I just want him to stop and hopefully read his bible himself, and open his mind. He is so frustrating. I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING!!!!!!! He is doing Dishone so much damage and so much pain.

Dishone is of course feeling low and feeling bad because he misses Aaron. He misses the man he loves. He misses his best friend.

Aaron has a lot on his mind too, but the one thing that is making it worse is Dishone. He wants him back and I feel his pain. I feel his hurt and confusion. I want the best for them, but they aren't listening.

They are so lucky. They both love each other so much that it affects them. I love a man who doesn't even care or think about me. I mean we had plans to hang out today, and when I called him he didn't even remember.

He was doing some work for Med School, and I totally understand, but he coulda called or text me to let me know that plans have changed. I am not saying it like we are together...I just cursed out my nephew for acting like a little kid and told him to get his shit together.

I don't play those games.

But rehearsal tonight was AWESOME!!!!! I mean the music was a mixture of gospel and classical. It was too good. I know these great voices came together for this event tomorrow, but I am sure we are going to have a Pentecostal Church service tomorrow!!!!!!!!

We shall see...but I am off to get ready for bed. I have to get there early tomorrow. Rehearsal in the morning, and then to my church for a fun event. Should be really good...I hope, cause y'all know I be on that other stuff sometimes.

J-Bo

FUCK ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I woke up and I had the strongest urge to be fucked!!!!

I know this is real blunt, but I feel the need to be stroked something serious. Of course the need and desire to do some stroking is there, but I just need to be fucked like right now.

Like no lie I would rape the shit outta Van. I could always find someone else, but I don't want to put myself at a risk for a STI and also I want more than just sex. Thought I would share that with you guys...

It was an overwhelming feeling. I still feel it. Maybe I should go out for a walk to something.

J-Bo

DISAPPOINTMENT...OPERA...CALLING!!!!!

So today was a pretty laid back day.

I didn't get too much done...I did get a call that a business deal isn't going through because of my age, experience, and also color of my skin. I had to dig the information out of the guy who was giving me the news.

I think my slow and non-existent start today was because I am a little demoralized. I know I need to put in some serious work, but I kinda feel crushed, but I am bouncing back. I called Van hoping he would pick up so that I can tell him what happened, but he didn't so I left him a message.

Then I went to Queens for a rehearsal for this Opera show that I am doing on Sunday. I am just in the chorus, and it is unpaid, but it is a great learning experience. I am going to be performing with a full orchestra and a ballet, so this will be great experience.

Earlier today I spoke to Van about stuff...he told me some news about getting a new doctor. I had to ask some questions, and see if it was a man or woman. I found out it is a guy and Asian so I dropped the questions. If he was black I would have to dig deeper. Just to see if he is his type.

I don't like him like that, but I just wanted to know for sure.

Anyway, we laughed and talked, and made plans to hang out for like 2 hours or so, before he has to race home and pick up someone from the airport. I talked to him recently and confirmed for tomorrow and he said he doesn't know which means he will most likely flake on me.

It used to bother me, because if you care about someone than you would do things to make them happy. And more importantly you would want to see them and hang out. I know we are not together, but he is still a friend, and valued treasure in my life.

But I guess that goes to show, that he feels it is ok to make plans with me, and cancel them without caring about how I will feel, cause how I feel means nothing. It has very little standing and very little clout.

Oh well...nothing I can do about that. If you don't matter to someone, what can you do right?? So if he comes and hangs out that is cool, but if he cancels on me then that is also cool. I kinda understand that for him it means nothing if that happens, and for me it is different. I just wish he would recognize that we differ in this and act accordingly, but that requires caring.

I will continue to treat him great, because I want to be treated great. I truly believe in treat others, how you want to be treated. If I treat you right and with respect, love, and dignity, I expect it in return.

He would say I am expecting a lot from him, but to be honest I am expecting very little from him. I do this with everyone I meet, and he should know that by now. From the guys to strangers. I give a lot to all I meet and encounter. :-)


Now it is time for bed, and hopefully I see him tomorrow. I really want him to give me his take on my material, and let me know how he feels. I really wanna prepare myself for the battle the Lord is gearing me up for. Someone has to be the one to stand up and fight, and that is me. I take what God has called me for with dignity, honor, and grace.

So we shall see what happens tomorrow, but regardless I have to rehearse with my fellow singer, then another choir rehearsal for the Catholic church, and then hopefully I want to go to church and fellowship and see the youth explosion.

I really hope I can go, but my body is running outta gas. I need to stop burning the candle on both ends, but soon I will be able to slow down a little.

J-Bo