I got my cousins over here, and we are having a great time. They can't really hang with me, and I am taking more of a big brother/cousin role with all of them, but it is nice.
It just reminds me why people say they want to only deal with their own kids or have no kids at all. They are fun and everything, but MY GOD!!!!! :-)
So it is all cool, and I love my lil cousins. But when they go home tomorrow I won't shed a tear cause there will be peace once again.
So I haven't gotten much work done these past 2 days, but I have been getting some done. It is hard staying motivated and progressing at a reasonable rate with what I am doing. I feel like it is me moving a mountain...so much work.
I almost feel like I cannot do it, and I need some help. But I am doing my best. I sometimes just wanna go with the regular people and do something reasonable and lower my expectations. I just wonder what it would feel like to be ok with a normal job, and doing everything that would make people happy. I wonder what it would feel like to be comfortable.
The guy who has been really wanting to be on my dick has stopped talking to me. I think he found out that I cannot give him what he wants and needs. I am not in the place right now. I wanted to, but it was hard...especially since he was so super duper feminine. I mean I cannot get behind a man who says toodles and is serious about it.
Now I am not saying anything against fem men, but they are just not my taste. I have my benchmark for feminine men, and he wasn't it. Now there are some white men and women who I've been talking to, but I am not sure.
Sometimes I keep thinking...nevermind. It is what it is...I'll just casually date and have fun. I keep getting reminders of Van. Little things...like now I am watching Sister Act and that was always his way of joking on me. :-)
Even on Christmas my little niece asked about him. Smh...
Anyway everyone go out and see Django. I'm going to have to catch Les Miserables and Jack Reacher...maybe during the week sometime.
J-Bo
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
God showed me something...
So I was sitting here reading, and really getting into a great book. It was a book that has been changing my life. I won't get into what the book is...just yet that is.
While reading this book God revealed something to me that was so powerful. I want to premise this that I wasn't thinking about relationships or love or anything like that. I was thinking about my business life, and what I have been doing, and what I need to be doing.
So it was about leaders and supporters. It was about one not being more important than the other, and both of them as ideal and necessary.
Immediately I asked God what kind of man or woman (I know, I know, but lemme do what I do please) should be in my life as my partner...my ideal mate.
Immediately it was shown to me that I am a leader. I am someone that walks into a room and commands attention, and can withstand the weight and multitude of issues that comes with being a leader and in the front lines.
What I need is someone who is the great supporter. I know that cause no great man or woman could do what they do without a strong supporter behind them. And by supporter I mean the men and women who help change the world.
I believe that is something that I had with Van.
Now this is not to say that all people will be one way all the time. Even though I was more of a natural leader and out there, Van was also a leader in things, and I gladly lent my support. It made it easier to do things knowing he was there.
Every leader needs a supporter, and there are supporters who rock and change the world.
there are supporters who spend their time on their knees and change countries. 1/2 the time they are behind the scenes on their face talking to God. They are the big old pillars that you just don't see, but if they were removed, everything would fall apart.
I have to give myself to be a leader cause of the responsibility and weight that it carries, but I talk with God all day that he help me realize his calling on my life.
Whatever role you play love that role and run with it. The one thing that Van and I made a mistake with in the beginning as trying to change each other into who we thought the other should be. I wanted him to be more like me, and he wanted me to be more like him.
It was until we just had a friendship that we learned to let each other be who we are. I am suppose to be crazy, gregarious, out-going, and adventerous. He is meant to be who he is. Now that doesn't mean that we cannot change and grow, but that comes from working on ourselves...not working on the other person.
I am very radical in my spiritual beliefs, and he was very conservative. I wanted the ability to have the whole world, and share it with him...he wanted his little slice and set up shop and kids. We both were talking the same thing, just different ways of going about it.
I bring this up not because I miss Van, which I must be honest and say that I do and he crosses my mind at times more than other times, but I because some of you are living your lives based on the rules of others.
Don't let someone else decide how you should be, who you should be, and everything else. Don't let them dictate your story, and tell you what is best for you. No one can do that.
I strive everyday to strip away my heritage, culture, race, and more, and just get down to the meat of me. I don't want to be influenced by anything, and just go on as God would have me. Not an easy thing cause my heritage is so intertwined with who I am, but it isn't impossible.
I decided a long time ago to decide who and how I was going to live and become the man that I want to become because God has said so. It isn't easy...I am the man who has been called to be one of the few who goes out and is meant to change the world. I need strong supporters behind me cause I cannot do it alone.
I just cannot do it by myself.
Pray for me as I pray for all of you.
J-Bo
P.S. D and A are doing great in their relationship. I think they are finally starting to get it. I just wish them the best, and I am a little mad cause it isn't me, but I know God will work it out. He sent me someone as awesome, great, and valuable as Van so he can do that and more for me again. I just thank God for Van and all he has taught me. AWESOME GOD I SERVE!!!!!
While reading this book God revealed something to me that was so powerful. I want to premise this that I wasn't thinking about relationships or love or anything like that. I was thinking about my business life, and what I have been doing, and what I need to be doing.
So it was about leaders and supporters. It was about one not being more important than the other, and both of them as ideal and necessary.
Immediately I asked God what kind of man or woman (I know, I know, but lemme do what I do please) should be in my life as my partner...my ideal mate.
Immediately it was shown to me that I am a leader. I am someone that walks into a room and commands attention, and can withstand the weight and multitude of issues that comes with being a leader and in the front lines.
What I need is someone who is the great supporter. I know that cause no great man or woman could do what they do without a strong supporter behind them. And by supporter I mean the men and women who help change the world.
I believe that is something that I had with Van.
Now this is not to say that all people will be one way all the time. Even though I was more of a natural leader and out there, Van was also a leader in things, and I gladly lent my support. It made it easier to do things knowing he was there.
Every leader needs a supporter, and there are supporters who rock and change the world.
there are supporters who spend their time on their knees and change countries. 1/2 the time they are behind the scenes on their face talking to God. They are the big old pillars that you just don't see, but if they were removed, everything would fall apart.
I have to give myself to be a leader cause of the responsibility and weight that it carries, but I talk with God all day that he help me realize his calling on my life.
Whatever role you play love that role and run with it. The one thing that Van and I made a mistake with in the beginning as trying to change each other into who we thought the other should be. I wanted him to be more like me, and he wanted me to be more like him.
It was until we just had a friendship that we learned to let each other be who we are. I am suppose to be crazy, gregarious, out-going, and adventerous. He is meant to be who he is. Now that doesn't mean that we cannot change and grow, but that comes from working on ourselves...not working on the other person.
I am very radical in my spiritual beliefs, and he was very conservative. I wanted the ability to have the whole world, and share it with him...he wanted his little slice and set up shop and kids. We both were talking the same thing, just different ways of going about it.
I bring this up not because I miss Van, which I must be honest and say that I do and he crosses my mind at times more than other times, but I because some of you are living your lives based on the rules of others.
Don't let someone else decide how you should be, who you should be, and everything else. Don't let them dictate your story, and tell you what is best for you. No one can do that.
I strive everyday to strip away my heritage, culture, race, and more, and just get down to the meat of me. I don't want to be influenced by anything, and just go on as God would have me. Not an easy thing cause my heritage is so intertwined with who I am, but it isn't impossible.
I decided a long time ago to decide who and how I was going to live and become the man that I want to become because God has said so. It isn't easy...I am the man who has been called to be one of the few who goes out and is meant to change the world. I need strong supporters behind me cause I cannot do it alone.
I just cannot do it by myself.
Pray for me as I pray for all of you.
J-Bo
P.S. D and A are doing great in their relationship. I think they are finally starting to get it. I just wish them the best, and I am a little mad cause it isn't me, but I know God will work it out. He sent me someone as awesome, great, and valuable as Van so he can do that and more for me again. I just thank God for Van and all he has taught me. AWESOME GOD I SERVE!!!!!
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanza, and Happy Holidays!!!!
I know it is a lot, but now everyone who follows and reads me is Christian or believes in Christmas, so I wanted to make sure that I got everyone.
I just wanted to send my love and support, and let you guys know that this has been a great year, and I thank all of you for reading and following.
My family just left and now I can sleep, and relax. Today has proven to be such an awesome day. My phone has been blowing off the hook with phone calls, and texts. I have to admit that I love feeling the love...
So just remember that you guys are all loved and appreciated.
There will be more updates later.
J-Bo
I just wanted to send my love and support, and let you guys know that this has been a great year, and I thank all of you for reading and following.
My family just left and now I can sleep, and relax. Today has proven to be such an awesome day. My phone has been blowing off the hook with phone calls, and texts. I have to admit that I love feeling the love...
So just remember that you guys are all loved and appreciated.
There will be more updates later.
J-Bo
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Disappointment, Fucking Annoying, Stupid, Idiot...all ME!!! :-)
These are the words I have heard today from my lovely parents...over what you ask?? Over the menu for what was to be cooked for Christmas.
My mother wanted me to create a menu of things to cook for Christmas. I kept asking her what should I cook? What things is she going to have so I know what I should be doing. I asked many times what are the main things I am going to be working with.
She kept on telling me to just create a menu...so I did.
Her and my father come back and next thing you know I am being attacked. All I hear is how selfish and stupid I am. How I am trying to impress someone by cooking all this gourmet food. My father kept saying I thinks this is a restaurant.
So of course we get into a yelling match (not really yelling, but definitely back and forth) about how I am stupid and this and that. She came in saying why didn't I say anything about turkey, or ham, or anything else.
She said when have I ever seen a Christmas dinner with so much food like Thanksgiving!!! I almost said my grandmother's house, but kept my mouth shut. She then went through my menu choices and said when have we ever cooked any of these for Christmas...I held my tongue on that one, but I was about to say we haven't had a Christmas with all of us in years, because you run away every year to the islands.
So I stood my ground, and stayed strong, and they just went upstairs and into their bed.
After they left I rushed into the bathroom and I cried. All the words that they said about me and called m really hurt. I acted nice and tough and like I don't care, but to be honest Being called those names hurt...alot.
So now I had plans to go to church tomorrow, but thanks to the way things went down I don't even wanna be in the same house as them much less the same car. So I am going to stay home, and do what I do.
Pray for me guys...I am reaching that point of no return.
J-Bo
My mother wanted me to create a menu of things to cook for Christmas. I kept asking her what should I cook? What things is she going to have so I know what I should be doing. I asked many times what are the main things I am going to be working with.
She kept on telling me to just create a menu...so I did.
Her and my father come back and next thing you know I am being attacked. All I hear is how selfish and stupid I am. How I am trying to impress someone by cooking all this gourmet food. My father kept saying I thinks this is a restaurant.
So of course we get into a yelling match (not really yelling, but definitely back and forth) about how I am stupid and this and that. She came in saying why didn't I say anything about turkey, or ham, or anything else.
She said when have I ever seen a Christmas dinner with so much food like Thanksgiving!!! I almost said my grandmother's house, but kept my mouth shut. She then went through my menu choices and said when have we ever cooked any of these for Christmas...I held my tongue on that one, but I was about to say we haven't had a Christmas with all of us in years, because you run away every year to the islands.
So I stood my ground, and stayed strong, and they just went upstairs and into their bed.
After they left I rushed into the bathroom and I cried. All the words that they said about me and called m really hurt. I acted nice and tough and like I don't care, but to be honest Being called those names hurt...alot.
So now I had plans to go to church tomorrow, but thanks to the way things went down I don't even wanna be in the same house as them much less the same car. So I am going to stay home, and do what I do.
Pray for me guys...I am reaching that point of no return.
J-Bo
Thursday, December 20, 2012
I still miss and think of him...why??
So I was sitting here, and really thinking of Van.
It doesn't happen all the time...most times I am really good. But every once and awhile I see or hear something that reminds me of him. I smell something that reminds me of him.
Now don't get me wrong...I am not walking around just missing him. I have been out having fun, and living my life, and doing me. No that does not mean I am sleeping around. I haven't been with anyone since him.
I don't want to just jump into bed with someone, and all the great people in my life who want to be with me, there is just a block. Not sure why, but how many people have leading medical and legal professionals wanting a relationship with them. How many people have financial and political leaders interested in them.
Maybe it is because I don't feel like I am doing all that I can right now that I don't want to be with so many great people. I just feel so humbled and grateful that they want to be with me. The big trip is that I am finding "big" names in the religious and spiritual community coming around. God knows what they see in me...what Van saw in me??
So tomorrow I have plans to do, but now I just want to sleep. I am starting to working out again cause this weight has to come off.
When I do think of him I push it out of my head. I kind of put a barrier up around my heart and mind when it comes to him. The funny thing is that he has always been able to get pass them with little to no effort. God, why am I so weak, and what is it about him.
I have literally had royalty on my dick, and yet this kid comes and rocks me. God what were you thinking?!?!?!?!
BTW went to the doctor and dentist and everything is great except I need to lose this weight. Wow...i just rhymed. :-)
Off to bed...night people.
J-Bo
P.S. I wonder how he is doing? I wonder how his family is doing? I wonder if he ever thinks about me? I wonder how med school is going? I wonder...I just wonder.
P.P.S. I put in the title why I thought about him...I know why. I still have feelings for him. I knew that wasn't going to change.
It doesn't happen all the time...most times I am really good. But every once and awhile I see or hear something that reminds me of him. I smell something that reminds me of him.
Now don't get me wrong...I am not walking around just missing him. I have been out having fun, and living my life, and doing me. No that does not mean I am sleeping around. I haven't been with anyone since him.
I don't want to just jump into bed with someone, and all the great people in my life who want to be with me, there is just a block. Not sure why, but how many people have leading medical and legal professionals wanting a relationship with them. How many people have financial and political leaders interested in them.
Maybe it is because I don't feel like I am doing all that I can right now that I don't want to be with so many great people. I just feel so humbled and grateful that they want to be with me. The big trip is that I am finding "big" names in the religious and spiritual community coming around. God knows what they see in me...what Van saw in me??
So tomorrow I have plans to do, but now I just want to sleep. I am starting to working out again cause this weight has to come off.
When I do think of him I push it out of my head. I kind of put a barrier up around my heart and mind when it comes to him. The funny thing is that he has always been able to get pass them with little to no effort. God, why am I so weak, and what is it about him.
I have literally had royalty on my dick, and yet this kid comes and rocks me. God what were you thinking?!?!?!?!
BTW went to the doctor and dentist and everything is great except I need to lose this weight. Wow...i just rhymed. :-)
Off to bed...night people.
J-Bo
P.S. I wonder how he is doing? I wonder how his family is doing? I wonder if he ever thinks about me? I wonder how med school is going? I wonder...I just wonder.
P.P.S. I put in the title why I thought about him...I know why. I still have feelings for him. I knew that wasn't going to change.
Doctor's Appointment
I am back in the city and it feels so damn GOOD!!! I like being upstate just because it gives me a chance to reset and relax, but I miss the hustle and bustle of the city. I asked someone what is there to do up there...a few people and all of them said sex, work, drink, and more sex.
And me with no man or girl in my life. SMH
So I am going to enjoy the city...see some friends. And also go to the doctor and dentist. I already know what my doctor is going to say, but I still gotta go. I didn't do everything that I could've to make my doctor happy, but all that will change. Things are looking up, and I am so damn excited about my life.
So as I sit here waiting and getting some stuff done, I see everyone running around...doing last minute studying and reviewing. I do not miss that, but I do miss the staying over nights and talking and studying and having fun.
I've made memories and experiences that will forever be with me. City College has become one of the defining moments of my adult life...I love that realization, because I am so young and I have so many more to look forward to.
Life is so good...
So I am bringing in the new year a single bachelor, but that is ok. I am still hopeful for the future...now lemme finish eat this food, take a nap, and go see my doctor and get started with the rest of my day.
J-Bo
And me with no man or girl in my life. SMH
So I am going to enjoy the city...see some friends. And also go to the doctor and dentist. I already know what my doctor is going to say, but I still gotta go. I didn't do everything that I could've to make my doctor happy, but all that will change. Things are looking up, and I am so damn excited about my life.
So as I sit here waiting and getting some stuff done, I see everyone running around...doing last minute studying and reviewing. I do not miss that, but I do miss the staying over nights and talking and studying and having fun.
I've made memories and experiences that will forever be with me. City College has become one of the defining moments of my adult life...I love that realization, because I am so young and I have so many more to look forward to.
Life is so good...
So I am bringing in the new year a single bachelor, but that is ok. I am still hopeful for the future...now lemme finish eat this food, take a nap, and go see my doctor and get started with the rest of my day.
J-Bo
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
In the company of real Men and Women
So I am in the loving spirit. And no it is not only because I am so horny I could put a hole in my brand new queen size mattress!!!
So my friend A asked me to hang out with him on Monday, and mentioned Van coming out too. I told him Van doesn't want to see me, think of me, or even know that I am alive. I said I am not going to be around anyone who thinks so little of me.
So he wants to come up to my new house and hang out with me. I told him he can come up and bring whoever he wants and we can all chill and have a good time.
I am hoping that all 3 of them can come up here and have a great time. I cannot lie and say it would be awesome if Van was driving them up here, but I know it is all a pipe dream. I don't exist and he probably focuses a lot on making me not even a memory.
That hurts, but it is what it is.
Now I need to find food, and get my ass to do some more work.
Spend time with loved ones, and start living your truth.
J-Bo
So my friend A asked me to hang out with him on Monday, and mentioned Van coming out too. I told him Van doesn't want to see me, think of me, or even know that I am alive. I said I am not going to be around anyone who thinks so little of me.
So he wants to come up to my new house and hang out with me. I told him he can come up and bring whoever he wants and we can all chill and have a good time.
I am hoping that all 3 of them can come up here and have a great time. I cannot lie and say it would be awesome if Van was driving them up here, but I know it is all a pipe dream. I don't exist and he probably focuses a lot on making me not even a memory.
That hurts, but it is what it is.
Now I need to find food, and get my ass to do some more work.
Spend time with loved ones, and start living your truth.
J-Bo
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